Dear Friends,
My family laid my grandmother to rest what seems to be only a few short days ago, although outside the vacuum of remorse, the count is now to a few handfuls of days. There is no set timeline for bereavement. Certainly companies and accountants try to define grief in relation to statistics. I don’t know how long it will take me to work through what I feel today. Some theorize that the pain fades. Others are of the belief that the pain remains constant, but over time one becomes desensitized to its presence. Then again, perhaps the grand order is to nest the pain of loss within the soft down of cherished memories, and thereby complete the circle of Ying and Yang pursuant to Zen philosophy.
I don’t have the answers. The limit to my wisdom is that at least I realize that I don’t know the answers and probably never will. But, that acceptance of possibly never knowing does not stop me from pursuing that knowledge. For, it is the journey and not the destination that ultimately defines us.
I recall a time when I was in the midst of a promotional tour, touting the virtues of my latest project - generating the box office dollars to instill confidence in producers to bankroll whatever the next project was. My brooding face stared down at the city from giant billboards, amplifying my features on par with the fabled Giant at the top of the beanstalk. My smile greeted traffic from advertisements pasted across the sides of busses. Of course I made the talk show circuit - joining in the high jinx of endless Morning Zoo radio shows and sending Starbucks’ stock skyrocketing sharing bottomless cups of sweetly disguised java in the company of everyone’s favorite television talkers. I was the Golden Boy - my star shining bright.
At what should have been a pinnacle moment in my career, I was at an emotional low. The public embraced me, showering me with adoration. Yet, the people whose approval meant the most - my immediate family - were nowhere to be found. One side of my family trivialized my career; the other side didn’t even acknowledge my existence. You can try to rationalize it - tell yourself that such people’s opinions don’t matter, but obviously they do. The more I would succeed, the worse I felt inside because there was so much for my family to be proud of, and I didn’t even exist. It pushed me to try harder, achieve more; but the more I accomplished, the worse I felt. It’s a perpetual cycle.
One day I got a letter from my grandmother. It was a Xerox copy of an article about me she’d clipped from a newspaper. On the page she’d written three simple words “You done good!”
My grandmother was an incredibly intelligent woman. She put herself through college, and after my grandfather died far too early in their marriage and long before I was born, she put her four children through school as well. “You done good” is not a grammatically correct sentence, she gave me her approval minimalistly to make a point - her approval was real, not some fluffy pity that translates itself in too many words saying to few sentiments.
I’ve had my fair share of hurdles, battles, and setbacks in my life. Through it all, my grandmother would inevitably call me, write me, or join me for a drink to show her support, damn whatever anyone else thought. “You done good” became our battle cry.
Some of my peers in the entertainment community are amused by my penchant for sending cards to express appreciation for accomplishments that impress me. I guess it goes to the concept of not just treating others how you wish to be treated, but treating others in the way you’ve benefited from being treated yourself. After you’ve laid your soul bare trying to accomplish all you are capable of, I know what it feels like to hear the simple words “you done good.” That was the gift my grandmother gave me, and it is the gift that I share with others.
As always you are my family. Genetics define lineage, love defines family. You done good.
Peace Love Trust
rikki lee travolta
Review other RLT commentary
It's All Relative
Stand Against Racism
Writing About Life
Crazy Pants Travolta
Gregory Hines
Everwood
Book Excerpt: Bus Fare
Learning to Stand
A Time of War
Country Charm
Talking Frankly About Family (& Christmas)
My Fractured Life
Forever Love
Good and Evil
Man Behind the Wheel
The Little Engine that Could: A Memorial
Perceptions of Perfection
Personal Decisions
Responsibility in Communication
You Done Good
Duality of Man
Evolution of a Hero
Reason to Quit - Stop Smoking
Beware of Stalkers
Dare to Dream
Do The Right Thing
Dealing with Abuse
Mother's Day
Right to Choose
Support the Cause
Just Try
Virtue of One
Martin Luther King Jr
Free Form Jazz
Creating the News
Great Expectations
Story of a Life
Acting 101
Why I Cried
Personal Values vs. Monetary Value
Broken Hearts
Dignity over Jealousy
Community Responsibility
Life, Honesty, and Integrity
Drug Withdrawal
Christmas Spirit
Rikki Lee Travolta's debut album!
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