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Definately the best part of the updates.

This page is solely dedicated to my constantly changing Deep Thoughts and bookmark "jokes" (jokes in quotes, since we all know they're really not that funny). Everytime I changed them, I wrote down the jokes so that I wouldn't forget them. In this page you can look back and see which ones I've used before. Too bad they're not dated.... You'll live. Enjoy.


Bookmark this page.

If not for me, then for the starving African boy that this might somehow help someday.

If not for me, then for the capitalist pigs who will fall under my hand.

If not for me, then for Mr. Newman. What a man he is.

If not for me, then for that hideous monstrosity you call a face.

If not for me, then for you.

If not for me, then for Pledge Disinfectant Spray, now with Anti-Bacterial Action (Johnson and Johnson, a family company).

If not for me, then for the serial killer planning to break into your house tonight, only to visit this page on your computer. After he slays your family in a horrible brawl, of course.

If not for me, then for Siam. They need this.

If not for me, then for that thing behind you. Really, what is that?

If not for me, then for your other, lonely bookmarks.

Then delete the bookmark and make a new one, cuz that last one really sucked.

If not for me, then for someone that's like me in every possible way.

If not for me, then for other websites. Shove it in their faces.

If not for me, then for the virus installed on your computer that's just waiting to pounce whenever your try to bookmark anything again.

If not for me, then for all the little boys and girls around the world whose dying wish is to bookmark this site. Take it from them.<

If you already did, do it again under a different name. You need two bookmarks.

Come on, do it. One time can't hurt, and the first one's free.

If not for me, then for the Russian Mafia that'll break my legs if you don't.

If not for me, then for Ghetto Canada that'll "bust a cap in your ass, eh!" if you don't.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Why? Don't ask questions, ho! You do what I say! *smack*

| .egap siht kramkooB

HA! DIDN'T SAY "SIMON SAYS!!!"

So it is written; so it shall be done.

Or sofa.

b00km4rk 7h15 p4g3. l337 h4><><0r5!!!1

I dare you. Ok, DOUBLE-DARE.

Submit this page to Google *link taken down*.

LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO BOOKMARK!

If not for me, then for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.

If not for me, then for Billy Crystal. What?

That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

If not for me, then for Steve Urkel. Because yes, he did do that. He always did that.

Then remember that, you know, not everyone is lucky enough to have the internet, or a computer, or even electricity. Then laugh and keep surfing.

If not for me...c'mon, for me?

Then thank Al Gore for the Internet.

If not for me, then for the FIRST Red Ranger. He was always the best.

If not for me, then for your mother, because she has to pretend she doesn't hate you everyday.

If not for me, then for Paris Hilton, the only person I know whose name includes a city I want to visit AND the hotel I'll be staying at.

If not for me, then for Janet Jackson. Or maybe Justin Timberlake. Bah, whoever's idea it was.

If not for me, then for Dennis Kucinich. HOLD TRUE, DENNIS!

If not for me, then for pants, because why are you still wearing them?

If not for me, then for Jesus Christ, voted Most Passionate Man of 2004.

If not for me, then for Simon Cowell, the only Britain I'll tolerate.

If not for me, then for the original April Fool, P. Diddy.

If not for me, than for SPRING BREEEEEAAAAAK! YEAH!

If not for me, then for Pink Floyd, the best brick in the wall.

If not for me, then for Yogi Bear, who taught us that stealing is silly.

If not for me, then for Peter Griffin, Quahog's greatest man.

If not for me, then BUY THIS NOW AND LOVE IT LIKE I DO.

If not for me, then for explosions. Everyone loves explosions.


Deep Thoughts

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.

If I ever get burned beyond recognition, and you can't decide if it's me or not, just put my funny fisherman's hat on my "head." See, it's me!

In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know quite a few words.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something. Let me be surprised for a change.

You know what makes good hair for a snowman? Real hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well, no wonder you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

Probably one of the main problems with owning a robot is when you want him to go out in the snow to get the paper, he doesn't want to go because it's so cold, so you have to get out your whip and start whipping him, and the kids start crying, and oh why did I ever get this stupid robot?

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

When the tire blew out on Gary's car, he and Bob got out and fixed it. But they had only driven a few miles when another tire blew out. "Well, I guess I'm the blowout king," said Gary. Bob tried to smile, but it was hard. He had always thought of himself as the blowout king.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family.

When I pick up a handful of sand at the beach and let it dribble through my fingers, I think, Man, this is not a very good vacation.

' Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually are experts.

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.

When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin every year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.



THE DEDICATED SURFER CONTEST

Note: Sara A., a dear friend of mine, won this contest! Congrats! Enjoy the skittles!

Below are 15 questions about this site and me. Every answer can be found within this site's pages. The first to email me with the correct answers to every question will be...I dunno, mentioned here next update, and then forever stored in the archives. And if you go to my school or live around me, I'll give you a CANDY BAR!!! OMGOMG

GET GOING!


1) The date I got the most hits in a single day is May 11, 2002.
2) My favorite narcotic is weed!
3) The one thing I couldn't live without is MUSIC!
4) My fifth bookmark joke ever was "If not for me, then for you."
5) The mystery person was Kelly S.
6) The picture in the bottom right corner of the page Trick or Trash is displayed on is a picture of..nothing. THERE IS NO PICTURE! HAHAHAHAHHAHAH
7) The first link in the LINKs section is the official Matrix website link.
8) If you don't know the ID and password to get into my picture pages, you could be a pedophile.
9) The high score for Gobblenator is 113.
10) As an artist, I'm known as The Artist Formerly Known as Ryan.
11) The Chat Room, the counter, and the picture page protection were all free from Bravenet.com.
12) I've only sung in the shower 1 time(s).
13) Every page on my site has at least two links to my email.
14/15) My favorite bone is my clavical, because it's the one I broke.


Images, movies, games, quotes, and lots of other crap are being used without permission. Thanks for not suing. <3
Published 2004 MyWonderfulHomepage.