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Political Jokes
Difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
This joke was submitted by Jen
Ghost in the White House
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theatre."
Stupid People
George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were talking, when George said, "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me."
Cheney said, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, took him outside and hailed a taxi.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver, without saying a word, took them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied George "but, there was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
This joke was submitted by Dan S.
Presidents in a Sinking Boat
Ford says: What do we do?
Bush says: Man the lifeboats!
Reagan says: What lifeboats?
Carter says: Women first!
Nixon says: Screw the women!
Clinton says: You think we have time?
This joke was submitted by Dan S.
Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently. The agent then said, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And . . the fans would love it!
So Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want. " He gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming; and the crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!
How to be a Good Democrat
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites.
Consider the list below to see how you rate.
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States
This joke was submitted by Robert J.
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