Bar Jokes


Drunken Irishman

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."




Confused Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?



Gorilla Drinking

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes up to him and asks him what he wants. 'A scotch on the rocks, please.'

He then lays a 10 dollar bill on the bar. The bartender takes the money and goes to fix his drink. He thinks to himself, 'Hey, this is a gorilla, he doesn't know about the prices of drinks.' and takes 15 cents back. He sets the drink and the money on the bar. Another bartender asks the first bartender about the gorilla and he says: 'Yeah, he's nice. Go talk to him.'

The second bartender goes to the gorilla and strikes up a conversation. 'Hey there. Ya know, we don't get too many gorillas in here.' 'Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back.'



Two Drunks and a Giraffe

Two drunks walk into a bar with a Giraffe and the drunks and the giraffe drink for the next three hours, until the giraffe finally passes out on the floor. The two drunks never even notice as they finish their drinks and head out the door.

Then, the bartender yells,"Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' on the floor, are ya..?"

Hearing that,one of the drunks spins around and says,"THAT AIN'T A 'LION', IT'S A GIRAFFE, YA DUMB BASTARD..!"

This joke was submitted by Mike M.



Pissing Fun

A guy is in a bar and he bets the bartender $50 bucks that he can stand on top of the bar table and piss across the bar into a cup at the other end. The bartender says, "Alright," so the guy stands up pulls down his pants and starts pissin. He pisses all over the bartender The bartender starts to crack up. The guy said, "why are laughing?" and the bartender said you just lost $50 bucks, you didn't even get one droplet in the cup. The guy said what are you talking about i bet that guy over there $150 bucks that i could stand up and piss all over the baretnder!

This joke was submitted by Hotskatr2001



Stranger at the Bar

One night, an man was sitting at an Irsh bar bar. Another man came up next to him and took a seat. The irish man said "Why hello, whats your name, and where you come from?"
The man replied, "Oh well i'm from Ireland, my name is Peter"
"Really? And how old are ya"
"I am 23"
"Really? So am I, what school did you go to when you were a lad?"
"O why i went to St. Mary's"
"No way!! So did I"
What class did you graduate?"
"Class of '64"
"Why, So did I!"
"And where did you live?"
"I lived on Main Street"
"By golly! so did I!!"

Finally the bartender who has been listing to the conversation goes to another customer, leans over and says: "Well, it looks like the Murphy twins are drunk again"

This joke was submitted by Dan

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