The Cream Berets

It was the year 2000, and...

every type of durn catastrophe you could imagine was in full swing. Computer geeks who had averted computer bugs now had real Y2K bugs. Millions of them. So did everyone else, everywhere. Meanwhile at the same time the polar caps were melting, a new Ice Age seemed to be engulfing several gulfs, like "of Mexico" and "Persian" to name just two. Air was polluted. Water was polluted. Soil was polluted. World oil reserves had become contaminated with some stuff which made it noncombustible, a condition which limited its use as fuel. Rain forest trees were falling over of their own accord and clear-cutting themselves (larger trees sometimes making two or three cords,) in a sort of mass-suicide thing, like lemmings. The American Midwest had become a dustbowl, and on the other side of the Atlantic, clods were being washed away by the sea, and Europe was the less.

The worst WORST problem, however, was that the fungi that caused Jock Itch, Panty and Bra Blotch, and Athlete's Foot were now auto-immune deficient organisms (you didn't die, but you could sure WISH to!) To everyone's surprise, the World Health Organization (WHO) used their previously unknown power to suspend everyone's constitutional rights, etc., and so everyone had to turn in their socks and underwear, weekly, to be centrally inspected and hygienically laundered in huge government facilities.

Naturally, members from other enforcement agencies, and in particular the F.B.I., leaped at the chance to become members of the elite special forces unit of WHO known as the Cream Berets to themselves, but the Underwear Police to an unpoetic public. These agents had the mission of inspecting people in their underwear (the peoples', not the agents', and no one was switching undies with anyone else here, ok? Well, maybe some of that went on, but it wasn't SUPPOSED to!) to ensure compliance with the new regulations. And "leaped at the chance" isn't just another way to express "eager" here. These G-panty raids on Jane and Joe World Citizen were always done by parachute, which might make sense in the Australian Outback, but in Downtown Montreal? Hein? Mulder and Scully have parachuted into a Midwestern farming community. They decide to check at the local Chamber of Commerce for a map of the community and a telephone directory, if one is available. The solitary service person who welcomes them looks vaguely familiar. When they introduce themselves, the woman throws back her head and lets out a hoot. "Whoo-ee! Land Sakes! If'n it ain't my long lost brother Fox!" It's Samantha! It turns out that during her Alien abduction, after a few unspeakable tests, the Aliens put her on a shuttle to their home planet for more unspeakable tests they didn't have the unspeakable equipment for, but the shuttle took a nose dive back to earth and plowed into a field of corn stubble next to County Rd. #58 just as a childless couple were driving by. "Ma and Pa" decided to raise her as their own. Tragically, the shuttle crash has left Samantha permanently unsophisticated, a condition which would be noticed in any other community but the one she is in. After a few hours of hometown hospitality, Mulder decides he liked her better lost.

After Mulder and Scully get married, they discover that the FBI has a policy discouraging family members and particularly spouses from working in the same department. Scully takes a position at Quantico. The FBI sends out a job notification to all the field offices. They get an immediate response from an agent in the Nevada office, and she’s hired.

In the basement office, Mulder sits, magnifying glass in hand, going over a still from a video someone in Phoenix AZ has sent in, claiming the fuzzy image over South Mountain is a UFO. There is a knock at the door and it opens. “Agent Mulder? Hi, I’m Bunny. I’ve been assigned to the X-Files.” A young curvy blonde stands in the doorway of the office. She has an accent, which Mulder is to learn is Brazilian English.

“Um Hi...Bunny? Is it Bunny?” He puts the magnifying glass down, and stands. “Yes, Bunny, Bunny Le Bun-Bun... from the Las Vegas office.” She takes a step in and extends her hand.

As he moves to shake her hand, Mulder is able to get a top- to- toe look at Bunny. She does not fit the “profile” of the typical FBI Agent. Mulder would later learn that Bunny had legally changed her name in order to pursue a career as an entertainer in Las Vegas, but then had an Alien abduction experience. So she joined the FBI. Now she also thinks the truth is out there, somewhere.

In the course of finding the truth, Mulder and Bunny have to work long hours together, sometimes a whole weekend, or two, or more.

Mulder sees his fortunes rise. With Agent Le Bun-Bun’s arrival, there seems to be more appreciation for their work. They both get a raise and are moved to a better office, one way farther up in the FBI building and with window views of Washington. Mulder credits this to Agent Le Bun-Bun’s special talent at giving great reports. Whenever they finish a case, and have made a report, both Assistant Director Skinner and even Acting Director Kersh himself, have Agent Le Bun-Bun report to their offices and perform a thorough and in-depth de-briefing.

That fall, Mulder neglects to have his annual Flu shot. He is sick at home with a very stubborn case if the Flu. Because the current X-Files case is time-sensitive, as most criminal cases are, Agent Scully is temporarily assigned to work with Agent Le Bun-Bun. They must do some field work in another state. When Mulder began to feel ill, Scully immediately put William in the care of a well-recommended lady who takes in babies and children for extended care. She doesn’t want William to catch the Flu.

After the two women settle into their respective motel rooms, they meet in Scully’s room to look over the folder of evidence Scully has brought.

After they look at the folder, Scully takes it back and presents Agent Le Bun-Bun with a binder. As Agent Le Bun-Bun flips through the first two pages, she realizes that this is a binder of pictures of herself and Mulder on their first weekend assignment. She flips a few pages and those pictures are from other weekend assignments.

When Mulder recovers, he arrives back to find a new male agent working with Scully. He learns Bunny resigned from her position and returned to Rio de Janeiro, to be with her fiancée, a well-to-do real estate lawyer and the son of one of the wealthier families in Brazil. Scully updates him,“They’ll be wed in three weeks. She plans to continue singing in nightclubs. His family has a lot of influence, so she’ll be treated well by the nightclub owners.”

Mulder re-opens the subject of Bunny’s mysterious departure from the FBI, and from the U.S., over dinner when they are out on the last assignment before Scully goes back to Quantico. He says, “So, what? Did Bunny realize she missed her fiancée?”

Scully says, “Well, that certainly was a big part of it.”

Scully pays close, critically close, attention to a small mound of fries which came with her cheeseburger at the diner outside of the small town they’re staying in. “Oh, it was no big deal, but, I was kind of jealous of you two going away every weekend, and wondered if I would catch you two in the act.” Mulder’s eyebrows go up. Scully ignores him. His face goes back to a blank, neutral look.

Scully has found an especially interesting strip of spud. She forks it, skids it to the puddle of ketchup at the back of the plate, and levers it off using the lip of the plate as a fulcrum. She flops it over twice in the ketchup. “So, I took pictures of you and her at the places you went to.“ Mulder’s mouth opens, then shuts.

Scully slices the fry in half with the side of her fork, spears both pieces, and brings the halves into her mouth, using her teeth and lips to pull them off the fork. She chews.

As Scully closely investigates another potato slice, she comments, ”So many crimes happen in out-of the way places.” She drags the fry to the ketchup and dunks it. She continues her narrative, “Then, when Bunny and I went out on an assignment … it was an alien abduction report ... in a town that was pretty much a gas station, a motel, and a bar... we looked over those pictures of you and her bringing your own luggage into all these 12th rate motels out in the tullies somewhere, and she...Bunny...she looked at me, and said ‘What am I doing? I’m looking for stupid Aliens in this nowhere place when I could be headlining in the Zona Sul?’ She quit on Monday as soon as the HR was open for business, and took the next flight out.” Scully spears, folds, and re-spears a small plump, tomato-red fry and transports it to her mouth. She chews and looks out the window at a row of empty parking spaces and then farther to three dun-colored and wholly unremarkable hillocks on the horizon beyond.

Mulder focuses on his fries as well.