It is the year 2000, and...

all of the writers at 1013 Productions are gathered in the Conference Room to listen to Mark Snow's theme song for a new series. Mark Snow doesn't seem to be very enthusiastic. In fact he goes about explaining to anyone who will listen that he has just done this because "he needs the bucks."

He puts a CD in and the theme song comes on:

Listen to my story 'bout a troop named Boone
Dirt-poor primates, sleepin' in 'till noon
Then one day grub-huntin' under rocks
Found an Inside Trader's hidden cache of stocks
Micro-soft!... Coke!... Archer Daniels Midland!...

Well, the first thing y'know all the troop are billionaires
The chimps said, "Dudes! Ya oughta move away from here!
California surfin' is the scene you want to do!"
So the Boones caught a jet and moved to Malibu
Mudslides!...

(at this point the faux bumkin recitative and several bars of artificially generated banjo music is overvoiced by Mark Snow loudly up-chucking into a waste-paper basket.)

Chris Carter takes the four young adult males out and teaches them to surf. They, in turn, teach him to pick up stuff with his toes. In an "Entertainment Tonight" interview, the Work-A-Holic blurts out that with this new skill, "I don't have to stop for lunch!" (he grins as he says this, setting off a series of facial twitches (see"StarTreX" #2, next story.) (Leila's note to the readers: The file drawer labels came out very small. The labels read: Ways to Die: Ablation-Lyophilization, and, Ways To Die: Maceration-Zymoticization, ok?)

It is the year 2000, and...

all of the writers at 1013 Productions are gathered in the Conference Room to hear some startling news. It's been discovered that in the intervening years since her capture, Samantha Mulder has risen in the Alien Corporate Structure from "victim" to "CEO." Apparently the Aliens have no "glass ceiling," (thus proving their superiority.)

Chris Carter, in a blitzkrieg move, secures the approval from the family of Gene Rodenberry to present the new melding of the X-Files characters and the Aliens, led by Mulder's sister, as the "Pre-quel" to the whole Star Trek series!!

The writers can access all of the scripts from the first Star Trek and they can be made to seem "new" to the next generation of viewers. These stories have been "proven " to be what the public wants! Executives at Fox are pleased that Chris Carter has finally grasped that this is a business. Nonetheless, everyone is encouraged to find ways to trim the budget.

Fortunately, there are still scads of Federation uniforms in storage, as well as lots of space monster costumes. The captain's chair is stored somewhere. Old footage from the X-Files can be used if Mulder and Scully's quarters look exactly like their apartments, and Federation Headquarters is housed in the "old, historic 20th century FBI Building."

Skinner will be taking the "Com" in the new series. Mulder will be "Number 1," who takes the helm if Skinner cannot. The Ship's Medical Officer will be, of course, Dr. Scully. She won't be crusty. That task will fall to the ship's Engine Room Officer, a very crusty Chief Engineer Kersh.

Cigarette Smoking Man, Jeffrey Spender and Agent Fowley are Romulans. Do I even have to TELL you that?

Frohike and Langly are Vulcans, and, at the very least, twice as geeky as Mr. Spock! Every launch has a "surprise" hit character, and this launch is no exception. Byers is cast as a vegetable species. He wears a big green latex costume. He sports a topknot of tight cruciform flowerettes (for he is of the Broccoli family) He moves around by means of a hover-pot. What makes him so beloved is that about every third show, a situation arises whereby he willingly lets himself be cut back to his roots (he grows back) and used to save everyone else. He is delicious boiled in salt water, drained, and served with a little dab of butter. He can be worn as a medical poultice. He can be whittled. He can be smok...whoops, no, forget I said that...He can be burned for fuel. He can be burned for warmth. Devotees of Byers who show up in droves at the now new COMBINED X-Files and Star Trek Conventions are easily recognized by their Asian-style conical hats, worn in remembrance of the episode where the Away Team was temporarily stuck on a planet which had a fiercely intense sun. Byers allowed himself to be chopped down, cut into strips, and woven into protective headgear.

No wonder he's so loved!

Also in the cast is Marita Covarrubias as the ship's Communications Officer. The Bounty Hunter heads up Security. Prendrell and X sit at consoles in front of Skinner's chair, look up at the big windshield screen, and push buttons and pull levers, which do something or other-pitch, yaw, attitude (presumably it takes a LOT of attitude to drive a starship.) Alex Krychek is Counselor Krychek. This means he wears a skin-tight outfit (note: Yes!) and states The Obvious. As a foil to him, Frohike's girlfriend, Lois Lane, (introduced in x-ISH story 5b) has been cast as the Anti-Counselor. Her job is to make a loud air-cough whenever Counselor Krychek dribbles out some fizz-head Pop psycho-babble. She, of course, being an older woman, does not wear a skin-tight outfit. She wears a flowing space muu-muu. She also has a futuristic coiffure known as "The Pinata," and has the latest accessory: the anti-gravity handbag! Sometimes Frohike wears the masculine version of the space muu-muu (think Marlin Brando as Jor-El) in a matching style, and oh! What a striking couple they make! Their fans show up for the Conventions in space muu-muus.

Of course "StarTreX" is the runaway hit of the fall season. The opening graphic has been taken directly from a NASA page, showing many Hubble Telescope pictures. The props people have located the model of the Enterprise, blown the dust off of it, whited out "Enterprise," written in "Pontiac," and have hung it from fishing line in front of the enlarged freebie pics. During this display, the voiceover says: " Stardate, November 2, 2021. This is Captain Walter F. Skinner of the Starship Pontiac. Our mission is to seek out new life, new civilizations, and boldly go where no one has gone before. What? I'm supposed to do this with a crew that mostly couldn't find the seat of their own uniform with both hands?" The model of the "Pontiac" swings in a tipsy way, then lurches forward with a "swish!" sound. Some music, which sounds like it might have been made by a high school marching band, heavy on the brass section, blares out, and the picture portion switches to close-ups of the principal cast members on the bridge, the medical bay, and the engine room as their names come up on the screen.

There are inevitable glitches, like:

...the ship's auto-destruct panel keeps flashing "12:00,12:00,12:00!" all the time.

...in order to go anywhere in the transporter, you have to wait for Windows to open up.

...a good cup of coffee from the replicator is still 60 years away.

...phasers are about four feet long and weigh about eighty pounds. In the interest of believability, Chris Carter has gotten some early prototypes of real futuristic weapons. They actually fire some kind of force. Fortunately, the settings are "Slap," "Bop," and "Whomp," "Whomp" being quite a smack, but it's not "Kill." This turns out to be carrying believability a bit too far.

The opening of the series pilot has all the principals on the bridge for SOME reason or other. Dr. Scully is giving out vitamins, Chief Engineer Kersh is replacing a lightbulb, whatever, etc. just so they're all there. Captain Skinner sits in the captain's chair with Lieutenant Mulder on his right and Counselor Krychek on his left. To Kryckek's left is Anti-Counselor Lane. Suddenly, a Romulan vessel jumps onto the screen and fires a photon torpedo across the bow of The Pontiac.

Counselor Krychek: "I'm sensing hostility coming from the Romulan vessel."

Anti-Counselor Lane: "Duh."

Captain Skinner orders a channel opened to the bridge of the Romulan vessel. To everyone's surprise, no one is on the Romulan vessel's bridge.

Suddenly, in the transporter room, Windows opens up! Romulans are streaming onboard!

Because the phasers being used actually shoot some kind of force, the fight scene that happens next between Federation and Romulan forces gets out of hand quickly. Mulder keeps shooting his own foot. Everyone else is pretty well covering the floor with slapped or bopped extras. The only ones who have set their weapons on "Whomp" are Scully and Fowler, who meet in combat fueled by jealous rage. They are hefting their weapons with some difficulty. They heft in a sort of mirror-image way, face to face, with about twelve feet between them. As they slowly bring their weapons up, they unfortunately, accidentally, coincidentally, simultaneously...misfire!...double-whomping Chris Carter...in the face, in the studio, in the fight scene, in the cross-stream. Down he goes! An ambulance is called. While the paramedics work in earnest on the supine double-whomped Producer, various of his assistants scurry around collecting the behemouth weapons and replacing them with whatever they can scavenge-calculators, garage door openers, tv remotes, etc., with the whispered directions that "Everyone just fight. If someone fires at you, fall down. We'll have Mat Beck put in some special effects beams afterward." Everyone has the same unspoken thought: "Why couldn't this have been done in the first place?" Suddenly, with a groggy moan, Chris Carter shoves the medical team members aside and lumbers off to his office, obviously furious. The Director, Kim Manners, shoots the scene with the assorted devices, and brings the pilot to a sucessful close with the Romulans being forced back aboard their own vessel, and the establishment of a "Neutral Zone" between the two sides negotiated by Samantha Mulder, assisted by her Aide-de-Camp, Deep Throat.

From that time forward, however, whenever Mr. Carter attempts to grin, his face contorts in a series of tics and twitches. No one mentions the incident again, not even in jest.

It is the year 2000, and...

Touchstones, meet The Touchstones!
They're a modern Feudal family!
From the Middle Ages,
(It's a time way back in History!)

Mark Snow stops the CD at this point and asks "Are there...any QUESTIONS...about where this song is going???" No one says anything. They let him leave the room with some poor ratty shawl of dignity around him.

Of course, "The Touchstones" is the hit of the fall season. The writers can dig with greedy hands into a heaping coffer full of animated family sit-com plots that are "proven" to be what the public wants! Fox Executives are pleased that Chris Carter has finally grasped that this is a business. They've put him on a stricter budget for this series. A top executive at Fox was quoted as vaunting, "Those X-Files episodes that cost millions apiece? Those are a thing of the past!" But some of the budget cuts border on ridiculous, don't you think? Like:

...instead of hiring a consultant on the Middle Ages, Chris Carter is forced to log onto The Society for Creative Anachronism website and pretend he is a high school student doing a term paper.
Tisk.

...the castle which appears in the background looks suspiciously like the postcard you can buy at Disneyland of Sleeping Beauty's castle.
Tisk.

...the animation is being done by an extended family of third world illustrators living on a remote island in the South Pacific Rim for about the equivalent of a CARE package per month.
Tisk.

...Dean Haglund, who played Langly on the X-Files, attempts to under-bid the islanders, claiming he will do the cartoon work for half the amount.
Tisk.

In a shocking move previously unheard of in animation, Tor Touchstone, the head of the Touchstone family, sues Fox Corp. Chris Carter is vaguely named as being a part of some sort of conspiracy involving hush money. In response to reporters' questions, Mr. Carter only grins, which sets off a series of bizarre facial twitches (see StarTreX #2, previous story.)

SOMEONE sends the island illustrators two quarts of White-Out. In animation cells already created, and even in those that have aired, and are stored, the figure of Tor Touchstone suddenly disappears. Vilma, his wife, is now refered to as "Single, Head of Household." There are references to her "betrothed" going off the "save the Holy Land from the Infidel," and being "missing in action." The disappearance of Tor Touchstone hits the animation world like an anvil dropped from the battens above a theatrical stage, or like a piano being hoisted to an upperstory window and the rope breaks, or like an Acme rocket boomeranging back and flattening its sender. In a cartoon retirement facility, a small duck with greying pinfeathers slams his copy of "Variety" to the floor and sputters, "Thath's Dethspicable!"

Format: Ten contestants. One millionaire. An island.

Chris Carter, four security guards, and a small camera crew foray into "realistic television." Talk show host Ralston Purina (see "A Hunter Thompson Weekend" on my Lone Gunmen site) hosts the show. Chris Carter gets to surf during the slow periods while a contestant is being airlifted out after a vicious slashing. Of course, S,YWTBSOADSSIFAWWAK-WPM? is the hit of the fall season. Ten-Thirteen lays off all the writers. Fox Executives are pleased that Chris Carter has finally grasped that this is a sordid business.

Thanks for visiting my site!
Leila