July 29, 2003

Remember that feeling you got when your parents made a surprise stop to pick you up from school when you were 15 or how they would come in the room and say something to try and be witty when you were hanging out with your friends? Sometimes I get that feeling with just having a child and being in a social setting. I think it’s more my issue with even caring an inch about what people think but I do sometimes. Let me explain a bit. Its not that I am embarrassed to have a child and be a single mother. It’s nothing like that. I think people have issues with me rather than the other way around. I don’t even know why I bother thinking that I have a family other than my daughter and me really. Because it will always be an issue in some way or another for people. It’s subtle but insulting. It just reaffirms to me how selfish people are when they aren’t even trying to be. Even the ones I love. I guess I am too, but I think I take others feelings into consideration. Sometimes I think I’m living life in a world of solo acts. Everyone is so into themselves that they forget to look outward and have understanding for others. I don’t understand the shock people have of a female being a single mother. Sometimes, the one you loved once turns out to not hold true to their word. Sometimes the one who promised forever doesn’t realize how seriously the promise was taken until something unexpected happens. The stigma of being a single mother only comes from ignorant people with no clue about what goes on in others lives. I think people need to look outside themselves and think openly for a moment. Not everything is black and white. Not every unmarried women with a baby has a sob story, just a life story like anyone else.

July 28, 2003

I think every apartment complex comes with the old man who has a coughing attack in the early morning. You know, the one where it sounds like a lung or small intestine is about to come up? The poster children of why smoking is soo “sexy”! Listening to that cough is like listening to the retching sounds of someone about to throw up. Gotta love Sunday mornings.

July 22, 2003

Cant we just go back to the unimportance of Demi Moore and Ashton in the news? Who cares about Kobe Bryant? Isn’t it interesting how much power money has? If you had a guy friend accused of rape, would he get a news conference to claim innocence? Most likely not. He would be in jail awaiting a hearing for months. How can we be disgusted by greed in this country when its importance is drilled into our everyday life with crap like this in every paper and on every news channel? Fame has its price and I think Karma comes with that. Whenever I hear about this sort of stuff, where someone famous is being accused, I think of how badly people wish for fame. Most here in Hollywood would pay any price to be famous. I think of the proverbial signing your life away to the devil analogy. I think with life you get the good and the bad that go with it. With fame, you get the good and the bad, only there is a camera recording it all.

July 21, 2003

There comes a point when I think bands just need to stop. I know, the enjoyment of playing and singing is there and the denial of knowing your span of fame is done, but good god. I loved KISS when I was younger. I have so many of their albums. But isn’t KISS Symphony just a rip off of Metallicas Symphony ? Or the Rolling Stones Symphony before that? Who needs to here Rock and Roll All Night with a horn section anyway? To me it just sounds like the high school band class at a football game.

July 13, 2003

This past week sucked so much ass. Actually since I started school things have sucked ass. For the last 4 weeks, I have had this nagging feeling like Im forgetting something. Which by the way could be a number of things..sleep for one. I am taking online classes and if you have never done this, well, it kinda sucks right now. Maybe its because its all new to me or maybe its because my teacher has her thumb up her ass. She is never online to answer questions and when she is, she never answers questions directly. I think she is a bot . My job has also been stressing me out. It’s only made me hate people more and more. Especially rich fucks with no understanding of the word COMMUNICATION!!! If my job doesn’t drive me to drink, nothing will. I’ve also been mulling over something that happened a few weeks ago with my boyfriend. He was talking about breaking up. Good grief..Why am I bringing this up now? I don’t know, its just that its never good when a guy says he’s been thinking about it. NEVER. I feel like a charity case..Anyway..whoas me..waaa…and boo hoo..

July 10, 2003

Someone tell me why this is important? I keep hearing these ads for TNN-the new network for men with some dumbass pretty boy actor saying “FINALLY”. Finally? Finally what? Who cares!

July 7, 2003

A while back I played bass for a band called Modicum. I was curious if they got their website up and found this link . No, it’s not the three girls I played with, but four guys. One guy kinda looks a little like Kevin Smith . I don’t even know if the girls are together. I imagine they are, but I thought it was interesting how I wanted to do a website and get it up and going but no. The early bird gets the worm I guess, and the band name and website.

July 1, 2003

I know I should start a fresh journal page for July but I’m feeling lazy at the moment. I have come to realize that I will most likely never have a steady boyfriend. I feel like there is some defect in me that attracts the complete asshole or the person who is the man of my dreams but can’t handle that I have a child. It sucks. I seriously think that having a child has its blessings and its limitations. I have a beautiful daughter, and because I chose to give life rather than abort it out of convenience of a relationship-gone bad, I will most likely end up alone when it comes to having a relationship. What a trade off. I don’t even know why I bother sometimes. It all ends the same way. I try to maintain good communication with my daughter’s dad for the sake of my daughter. Not for any other reason. I think it’s good for her to see that even though her mom and dad are not together, we can communicate without yelling and arguing. She can see that even though things don’t go ideal with a relationship, we are respectful enough to raise her separately in a healthy way. People who don’t understand single mothers or think they have baggage can go fuck themselves. How smart of everyone who doesn’t have kids to sit back and criticize what they know jack shit about. My job is raising a future healthy woman who is balanced and secure in herself, not suckling people’s egos with how much better off they are for not having a child. I say fuck you if you don’t want to be apart of my life because I’m a single mother. Seriously, FUCK YOU!