Extracts from e-correspondence with email@example.com...
DISCLAIMER: I'm not advocating stalking the FLC poppets - this started off completely innocent. And sane. I was just after some info, and then it all went a bit mad, and I thought why not share it with y'all. Oh and they are SUCH poppets. God bless 'em!
Subject: Cooley High
This is probably pointless (the emailing, not the content). Anyways, it's worth a try.
I couldn't get down see Cooley High in London as FLC support, but they have been getting top reviews from FLC fans, and I was wondering if you had any idea where I can get some promo material from. It would be in your interest to respond because (apart from proving there is an FLC online team) I have an FLC site which, although not as great as Troy's, is pretty popular and I've had people emailing me wanting to know more about Cooley High. As the site with the first DJ Mateo page on the web, and the most irrelevant random items, I feel you should check it out. If only to understand 'Fiffle' and 'TBS'. Oh, and I bet you all my U.S. currency you don't respond, let alone offer anything useful (that’s $15.26 btw).
Planet Fun Lovin' Criminals : www.angelfire.com/ks2/planetkat
Thanks for the Cooley High love.
Cooley High Cds will be avail. soon.
Please check back.
Do you take cash?
Negativity is not a good thing. Cooley High is a new project that was only shopped to labels. There are only CDrs available. We are in the process of re re doing the site to include Cooley High and Loco. Please, please, please be patience. It is frustrating on our end also. Keep in touch.
In case you didn't notice I owe you $15.26! (I bet you that you wouldn't reply, then you did. Twice....scroll - see the evidence!) Guess you missed the humour in my response, ('Do you take cash?'). Perhaps I was being too weird. I'm sorry - I wasn't pestering you!
Happy Tuesday April 3rd! (That positive enough for you? I can start telling bad jokes - ask Skills - they are BAD!)
I'll leave you in peace to update the site! Y'all have a nice day now!
(Ok, Joke: Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila!)
I did catch that you do owe me money. How and when do you plan on paying up ? I take cash, and money orders. No checks.
I am not updating the site. That would be for the webmaster. For a little while you have been reaching the FLC management office in NYC. I am the office. We are still in the process are getting the new webmaster up to speed.
Please find attached $15.26.
Also attached is a bill incurred by FLC & Co. on their trips to the UK so far this year.
Wow I've never had a conversation with a workplace before...how many desks are in you? (Sorry it was too easy!)
FLC & CO.
DATE, SERVICE, FEE ($)
Its a good thing you paid up, I was about to have a couple of people pay you a visit, if you know what I mean. I will pass the boys invoice on to them. Collecting on this might be a problem. Let me know what your plan is.
XX XXXXX [edited to protect office poppets by K]
Well hello XX XXXXX (XX of XXXX put of curiosity?)
Ray and I have discussed the matter of collecting from our debtors at length. You see, this is a rather different scenario to that which we usually encounter, and our annual trip to NYC has been fixed for December this year and we cannot wait that long for the debt to be settled. However, after careful consideration and inspiration from various quarters including yourself and Helen Fielding, we present our preferred method of cash collection. (We do ONLY accept cash, clothing or alcohol.)
Firstly. All four members of legendary Swedish pop poppets, ABBA must be coaxed out of their state of reclusion / beard trimming induced trance (delete as appropriate). You must also acquire a Skoda Felicia (of any colour, but it must be right-hand drive to avoid undue attention being drawn to it), Finley Quaye, FLC, a black briefcase bearing no distinguishing features and Colin Firth.
Once these items have been collected, they must be transported over the Atlantic by any means you see fit, just as long as President Bush doesn't hitch a lift. When arrived in our fair country, the nine aforementioned persons must get into the car, and Finley Quaye must drive them all to my house where Ray and I will be waiting. Once here, this is what will happen.
ABBA will perform a medley of their greatest hits (of their choice, but if they choose 'The Winner Takes It All', I cannot be held responsible for any harm that may come to their little Swedish meatballs), to which FLC will perform a backing dance either dressed in traditional ABBA costume or ski-wear. This whole performance shall henceforth be referred to as the ABBA-gram. Once the ABBA-gram is over, Colin Firth, dressed in a Savile Row suit will present Ray and I with the briefcase. Finley Quaye will remain in the car throughout. It is important that this format is strictly adhered to, in order that everything appears normal.
What do you think?
Are yall smokin' over there ? First off, How much $ are we talking about here. The figures I got wasn't equivalent to ABBA, Finley and FLC. I don't even know what a Skoda Felicia is/are. Obviously your not from NYC. There no way to collect on a debt this way. It involves way too much from the owey. You got to learn how to leverage your opponent. Twist and arm...ya know what I'm sayin'. Come up with another plan and I'll let you know.
Subject: XX XXX?
Well hello XX,
Seems I got a little explaining to do.
A Skoda Felicia is a really shite car. Well it was before Vauxhall or someone took over the company, but still, noone who has an ounce of pride owns one, let alone admits it.
You don't like the plan? That upsets me a little. Aah. Here in the UK, the debtor does the bending, and if he ain't flexible enough, then he's bound to get broken. Y'see what I'm saying here?
You're right, I don't come from NYC, but I have been there on a couple of occasions, and I think I have a fair grasp of the 'debt collection' procedure. You seen 'Lock, Stock...'? Then you know how it all goes down in London. Let me try and explain about North East-North West England.
Over in NYC you have families and 'families'. We also have families and 'families'. Your 'families' might run say, a garbage company. Our 'families' might run say, a multinational clothing company. Y'see what I'm saying? Your 'families' may have a .45 and the East River.
My 'family' has a shovel, a pickaxe, a lake, a mine shaft (you can actually see it in the film 'Billy Elliot' - that was a close one) a large amount of building materials... and if we're working overseas, we got an apartment in Florida with an alligator in the lake. It might not be so much XX XXXXX as XX XXX.
So you think I'm messin' wit ya? Trust me boy-o it all checks out. Like you will do if you don't watch your white coat.
How's that for a plan? You want another plan? He he he...
You could always mail me a copy of Disney's The Lion King in mint condition on VHS PAL and I'd consider the debt settled.
Peace to you too. (Apparently there are civil war conditions in some areas of SW England due to the govt's handling of the Foot and Mouth crisis, so we might need a little peace.)
RE: Amount of debt. I'd like to quote Eminem on FLC's behalf, (Shakespeare isn't really that appropriate here, so you'll have to make do):
'No I don't know you [well they kinda do], and no I don't owe you, I'm not Mr. N'SYNC, I'm not what your friends think.'
Oh, and the way Finley's career is going over here, you could hire him out for a fiver. (Translates as roughly $7.50.)
Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
Subject: chill, heres it
This is Ray, I believe you've been in talks with my associate, Kat, over some money we're owed. I’ve also been led to believe that you weren't 'down with' our plan of collection. That’s ok, that’s fine. It’s cool. There are other ways. Due to some strange and bizarre circumstances both Kat and myself have met your man Fast (she interviewed him, I go to college London, I went home one weekend to stay with my parents in York and I walked into him on the street). Anyway I digress, he seems like a reasonable guy so how is a meeting with the boys in the Mecca that is Soul Brother Records in Putney?? You know I would have suggested the DiFontaine's restaurant but we're beginning to think that’s a figment of Huey's over-active imagination. Anyhow I think it's time you started thinking and getting your suggestions to us? if you don't I’m gonna be forced to do inhumane things. And that may involve the boys listening to tapes of Kat and I playing banjo and accordion duet. And believe me, you don't wanna see that... and you really don't wanna hear it.
To quote Gary Larson:
'Welcome to hell, XX XXXXX, here's your accordion'.
Were we too tough Dr? You're not scared of a coupla girls...are ya?! We're sorry... was still all true though. We could be useful if you ever get into a little bit of trouble over here!
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