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From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 10/8/2005 9:52:42 AM | Message Detail
Then read random books until it becomes the user manual.
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
STEALTH PAGE 9
From: Xim | Posted: 10/10/2005 8:36:03 PM | Message Detail
You'd actually probably come pretty close to the real thing. I mean, in lieu of actually doing any real writing, I really just sort of glued several books together and wrote "User Manual" on the front with the finest Xerox paper thievery can buy.

I'll try to update this again soon. Hopefully by the weekend. I would have updated earlier, but my compy like, died. See, this time I actually have a "reason" for not updating. I've spent the past few weeks trying to restore all the files I lost. Oh, there was anger, crying, violence, wild accusations and a hint of promiscuousness, but it should all be resolved soon. As the chilluns say, "Stay loose, home slice".
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: LCC | Posted: 10/10/2005 9:35:21 PM | Message Detail
Oh, come on Xim, you can do better than that. This is, by far, the worst excuse I have ever heard! I mean, a computer dying? Files being erased? You actually trying to restore them? I think you give yourself too much credit old chum.

Not only has it been proven that files can never be erased, but it is also well known that computers themselves only exist in myths, legends, and mid sized novels written by middle class authors. I think you'd be better off saying that your dog/hacker/room mate/evil twin/second personality changed your password, and you were too lazy to log on to one of your alternate accountalations. Either that or say that you were too caught up in watching the most popular show that is aired on television: Rocky and Bullwinkle.
---
|."."|¯¯.|¯¯
|__.|__.|__ Qut?
From: mario man4 | Posted: 10/13/2005 7:58:38 PM | Message Detail
Actually, that show was taken off the air last week. As a last resort, he had to watch Alf.
---
Violence on television does not influence me, and anyone who thinks so should be shot!- Calvin and Hobbes
From: whatmustido | Posted: 10/23/2005 4:10:12 PM | Message Detail
You poor, poor person you.
---
Light! I'm bloody insane! Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me weird?
From: whatmustido | Posted: 11/4/2005 9:41:22 PM | Message Detail
Come now, come now, I can't keep it alive myself.
---
Light! I'm bloody insane! Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me weird?
If you wondered, I don't do drugs. Probably never will.
From: Groovilicious | Posted: 11/12/2005 11:47:51 AM | Message Detail
Yeah you can, you have an unlimited supply of Phoenix Downs.

---
Woh nedes a spel chekcer, aynwya?
Beware of pirhana. }«{{{°> }«{{{°> }«{{{°>
From: whatmustido | Posted: 11/13/2005 7:55:55 AM | Message Detail
The point I was making is that I don't have the creativity to make the rest of the story. That and more.
---
Light! I'm bloody insane! Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me weird?
If you wondered, I don't do drugs. Probably never will.
From: RdDragon | Posted: 11/20/2005 2:01:34 PM | Message Detail
>_>

<_<

>_<
---
Any clod can have the facts; having opinions is an art.
From: whatmustido | Posted: 11/20/2005 9:19:26 PM | Message Detail
You looked, but what did you see? Don't pay attention to the group orgy party thing over there, we already know about them.
---
The USA is the only country I know of that makes its children take multiple English classes and then still **** up the language. WTF?
From: slobr | Posted: 11/20/2005 10:17:47 PM | Message Detail
RdDragon is an orgy party, all by himself.
---
õ¿Ô - All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited cat turds.
¯¯¯ - §£øß®
From: RdDragon | Posted: 11/21/2005 2:04:18 PM | Message Detail
Yeah, we do quite well...quite well...

---
Any clod can have the facts; having opinions is an art.
From: Xim | Posted: 11/28/2005 10:55:05 PM | Message Detail
*throws a staple cookie at the previous poster*

Hey, guys! Well, it's the weekend now, so here's your lousy update! Ingrates, the lot of you.
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 11/28/2005 10:55:59 PM | Message Detail
How's it going? Depressed? Don't have any friends? I guess nobody told you, but being depressed and feeling lonely isn't normal. Everyone else is happy and has lots of friends, so there must be something wrong with you. I think you know what must be done. Remember, it's not across the street, it's down the highway.

That's right, folks! Just off of Interstate 983, QFTLSB Superstore is the one place for ALL your QFTLSB needs! A giant warehouse of updates for every occasion! And because we eliminate the middle man, we can sell all these updates factory-direct to you! Where do you go when you want to buy brand name QFTLSB updates at a fraction of the retail cost? Why, QFTLSB Superstore, of course!

And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale! No money down! Why pay more?! Everything must go! We can't GIVE these things away!

Seriously, no one wants them.

LCC: So now we're on the road to catch up with the others who have gone on ahead to find the next Board while we went to Aurora Quest to get Xim's fake birthday present which happened to actually be a ploy by the reborn Captain Smug who now calls himself Smudge. After defeating Crappy Jack thanks to my quick-thinking and good looks, we chased Smudge to the Sega Master System, which we're currently travelling through, and met NinjaMaster and SBP, two veteran hunters. Unfortunately, Smudge got away, but I'm sure he'll never be in the story again, so it all works out.

Xim: C'mon, man.. I'm sure the readers can remember--

dwimmerlaik: *points at the date of the last installment*

Xim: Well then.

dwimmerlaik: So I'm getting a little tired of walking. How about we just skip this part and get to the one where we join up with the others?

*and at the command of the almighty dwimmerlaik, the space time continuum shifted a little to the left and the hunters found themselves on Sega CD with their comrades*

Icarus Ascending: What the..?!

DocProc: How did you three get here so fast?

Xim: You're totally exploiting that Map, dwimmy.

Icarus Ascending: And here I was thinking you guys were actually starting to do some real legwork.

warutrid: We're not all lazy, Icarus. I mean, heck..
*clears his throat in an obvious attention-drawing fashion*
MY NOSE RAN ALL DAY YESTERDAY!!

*everyone looks at dwimmerlaik*

dwimmerlaik: Heck, I can't follow that.

Xim: It was a pretty good pun.

ravenwarrior: I think we're getting a little off track here.

Groovilicious: Weren't you caught in a trap at all?

Xim: No, we were not almost killed by a reincarnated Captain Smug who now goes by "Smudge"!

slobr: Smug's back?!

LCC: Yes, it would seem that pirate you guys have encountered before has been granted a new account.

mario man4: That's odd..

Groovilicious: What do you mean?

mario man4: The circumstances of Smug's demise shouldn't have allowed him to come back to GameFAQs..

DocProc: So what does that mean? Has a new exploit been discovered or something?

slobr: No, there's no way. There would have to be a serious glitch in the system.

ravenwarrior: Hmm..

Xim: Too much talk! Sleep time is now!

Groovilicious: Yeah, I'm getting tired, too. I think we've hunted enough for one day. Let's find a place to rest.
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 11/28/2005 10:56:37 PM | Message Detail
LCC: What, you mean like out in the wilderness?

Icarus Ascending: What's wrong? Afraid to sleep outside, O great sorcerer?

LCC: Psh. Unlike you barbarians, I'm accustomed to a nice, warm bed.

Xim: Hey, we can't always get what we want. I mean, I'm quite partial to a foot massage and several free wallets, but you don't see me complaining that I only get one of the two.
*starts counting out everyone's loot*

mario man4: Actually, we passed a sign awhile back that said an Inn was coming up. We could stay there, I guess.

warutrid: Sounds like a plan, Stan.

Groovilicious: Time to go, Joe.

dwimmerlaik: Let's do this like Brutus.

ravenwarrior: Okay, never do that again.

*the hunters continued on until they reached a small hotel or a large motel, I'm not really sure myself*

LCC: *reads a sign outside the establishment*
"Red Maw's Board Hunter & Wanderer Inn", eh? Never heard of it.

DocProc: Oh, I'm sure even you have. After all, we passed two of them on the way here.

Groovilicious: And then there there's the one across the street there.
*points*

ravenwarrior: Yeah, sometimes we like to hold little competitions to see if we pass more Inns in a single day than how many times warutrid makes a fool of himself in any given situation.

warutrid: Tch. No contest!
*pushes open the door and falls face-first into the entrance*

Xim: *steps over warutrid and looks around the cozy little Inn*
What a swell dump!

dwimmerlaik: Reminds me of the reform school.

Groovilicious: *walks over to the counter*
Hey, nice place you got here, Maw.

Red Maw: The Board Hunter & Wanderer Inn.

Xim: Er, yes. Say, do you have enough space for all of us? We have quite a large party.

Red Maw: Free food and lodgings, enjoy your stay.

ravenwarrior: Wow! That's awfully generous! How do you stay in business, what with being the owner of a GameFAQs-wide chain of Inns, if you don't charge?

Red Maw: Free food and lodgings, enjoy your stay.

dwimmerlaik: Yeah, we heard.

Everyone: ....

Red Maw: Th-the Board Hunter & W-wanderer Inn....

Everyone: ....

Red Maw: *puts his face in his hands and sobs uncontrollably*
It's all I got, man!

LCC: Sad, really.

Red Maw: I know.... I mean, the rooms aren't even free! I just can't stop saying it!

dwimmerlaik: So how much are the rooms?

Red Maw: Free food and lo-- oh.. oh, I see what you did there.

dwimmerlaik: *looks away innocently*

*the hunters book a room or seven and relax at the bar*

Xim: *sips a pint of mayonnaise contentedly*
Ah, mayonnaise. Is there nothing you can't do?

*Groovilicious walks over and sits down next to Xim*

Groovilicious: Hi.

Xim: Yo.

Groovilicious: It's been awhile since we talked Xim. It's been crazy lately, huh?

Xim: Mm..

Groovilicious: So, I was wondering..

Xim: Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Groovilicious: Are you listening?

Xim: Wah! Of course! What were you saying? Something about mayonnaise?

Groovilicious: Heh. You remind me of a little kid sometimes, you know that? Hey, so what were you like as a kid, Xim?

Xim: *looks up*
Huh? Why?

Groovilicious: I don't know. You never seem to talk about yourself. I mean, I seem to be one of your oldest friends, yet I haven't known you that long.

Xim: Hmm.. my childhood memories are a little fuzzy. I think I spent most of my time loathing school.

Groovilicious: Oh really? You went to school?

Xim: Groovi, I'm hurt. Do you think I'm some kind of moron or something?

Groovilicious: *laughs nervously and avoids eye contact*
From: Xim | Posted: 11/28/2005 10:57:26 PM | Message Detail
Xim: Yeah, I didn't like it much. I was never really interested in anything. Besides, I've always kinda hated authority and teachers.

Groovilicious: Why?

Xim: Hm.. I guess it all started that one day during first grade.. Why, I remember it like it was about to be reenacted for the readers.

*and lo, it was*

Li'l Xim: *tugs on the teacher's skirt*
Teacher! Teacher! Can I go the bathroom?

Teacher: Tsk tsk tsk, Xim! "May I go to the bathroom?".

Li'l Xim: No way! I asked first!

*nope, that's it*

Xim: I asked first, dammit!

Groovilicious: I guess I walked right into that one.

Xim: Yeah, so ever since, I can't stand people telling me what to do.
*looks at the table solemnly*
..That's why I admired the older hunters so much. They were so.. free.

*Groovilicious nods in agreement, pauses, and then looks at Xim as if she just realized something*

Groovilicious: ..You're thinking about it again, huh?

Xim: *slams his glass on the counter angrily*
..Dammit, I had come so close to forgetting. ....Why can't I just forget..?

Groovilicious: Back then..

Xim: *looks at Groovi apologetically*
At that time, I.. I just.. I never want to feel like that again.

Groovilicious: It wasn't your fault, Xim. Besides, a name is just something others give you..

Xim: ....

Groovilicious: You'll always be who you were.

Xim: That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

Groovilicious: *reaches out and touches Xim's arm*

Xim: *stands up quickly*
I'm tired. I.. I think I'll turn in.

*meanwhile*

slobr: And that, my friends, is how I saved Christmas.

ravenwarrior: So what's the deal with Smug, er, Smudge?

DocProc: How should I know? I wasn't there..

slobr: I told you, that shot was clean. Xim and dwimmerlaik were probably just making stories up again.

DocProc: So what are you saying? LCC, too?

ravenwarrior: Proc's right. Xim and dwimmerlaik I can understand, but there's no way LCC would have gone along with it.

slobr: He was axed. He should be KOS, too. There can't possibly be anything wrong with the system in that respect unless..

ravenwarrior: Unless..?

slobr: It's just as you thought, rav. He's losing power.

DocProc: You think? That's great!

ravenwarrior: Is it? All that means is that we're gonna have to find the Lost Board even faster now. Others might have realized it as well. We can't let them take the opportunity.

DocProc: Yeah, but even so, there's no way we can lose, guys. What with you two, Xim, and now LCC, who can stand in our way?

slobr: Hey, the secret board system is a lot bigger than that. We already know of at least one other group conspiring against us. And what about the vets? Who knows what role they have in all of this?

ravenwarrior: You leave them to me. Xim may not like it, but I'll do what I have to if they try to stop us from finding the Lost Board. Hmm.. but what about Icarus Ascending?

slobr: I still haven't quite figured him out. I told Groovi about it, so if he does pull anything, we have all fronts covered. He's also seen my mod gun, twice. He may or may not realize what it is, but let's just hope he won't figure out why I have it.

DocProc: Yeah, he seems to be getting stronger from what you've said. He could be our biggest obstacle..

ravenwarrior: Hmm..

*meanwhile*

dwimmerlaik: Come on, can't you get it?
*stands on a table, holding the Map just out of war's reach*

warutrid: *jumps up and down trying to grab it*
I'll tell Red Maw on you!

mario man4: At least no one's talking in riddles over here.

Icarus Ascending: Why am I talking to you three?

*that night, the hunters lay down for a well-deserved sleep*

*seriously, they haven't had any rest since like, that party at Oni Lupe's*
From: Xim | Posted: 11/28/2005 10:59:13 PM | Message Detail
Xim: *looks across the room at dwimmerlaik, the Map lying next to him and an anti-warutrid barrier set up around his bed*
Sleep well, ol' pal. Tomorrow will be a new day, and we never know what excitement lies ahead. Though the day may put us through many trials and tribulations, we shall ride on forever on wings of hope to the land where dreams come true.. Over the highest mountain, through the darkest forest, across the deepest seas.. the magnificent journey called life shall give us many fond memories to look back upon.

dwimmerlaik: Actually, I can't really tell one day from the other.

*the next morning, ravenwarrior wakes up early and goes downstairs to find Xim seated at a coffee table looking rather pleased with himself*

Xim: *looks up*
Hey, rav. Remember that pile of cash you gave me to spend any way I saw fit?

ravenwarrior: Please tell me you're not talking about the money to pay for our rooms.

Xim: Huh. Interesting way to put it. Anyway, you won't believe what kinda stuff the gift shop here sells!
*dumps the contents of his backpack on the table*

ravenwarrior: They're..

Xim: Yeah, little bobble-head hula girls!
*taps one of their heads and watches it rock back and forth*
Hehe, look at her go!

ravenwarrior: How many did you buy?!

Xim: Yeah, I know, I know. I would've bought more, but this is all they had in stock.

ravenwarrior: You could have at least bought a few of a different kind..

Xim: You say that like there's a bobble-head besides the hula girl that matters.

ravenwarrior: Dare I ask.. how much money do we have left?

Xim: Silly rav. At 12 bucks per pop, we're in debt up to our ears.

ravenwarrior: ..You know, I'm not even angry. Somehow I sort of expected this would happen. So how are we gonna get out of here without paying?

Xim: Oh, don't worry about it. I had the cashier put it on our tab. We can pay for it some other time.

Cashier: I keep telling you, you can't have a tab at a gift shop.

Xim: See! I told you it would all work out!

*gradually, each of the hunters begins to come downstairs and marvel at the wonder that is a hula girl with a shaky head until they are all seated around the table*

mario man4: So how did you pay for all of these things, Xim?

Xim: Oh, we all chipped in on 'em, mario.

LCC: I'm not sure I like the way this conversation is going.

Icarus Ascending: You spent all our money?!

warutrid: Yay! It wasn't my fault this time!

Xim: I suppose it was partially my fault this time.

DocProc: What are we gonna do? When Red Maw come to collect our--

slobr: Oh, I bet ol' Maw won't even remember.

*suddenly Red Maw walks over with a baseball bat*

Red Maw: I'm here to collect, punks.

*the nine mighty hunters and all-powerful wizard quiver in fear at the terror that is a wooden club used for recreational activity*

Groovilicious: Look, we don't actually "have" the "money".

Red Maw: Oh, that's alright.

*the hunters breathe a sigh of relief*

Red Maw: You can work it off by washing the dishes.

Icarus: Cleaning the dishes?!

dwimmerlaik: Physical exertion?!

slobr: *faints*

Xim: Don't worry, we'll figure out a way to get the money!

*the hunters huddle*

Groovilicious: So what do you think, guys?

DocProc: I think someone just grabbed my butt.

Xim: Hehe.. ewww!
*wipes his hands on warutrid's face*

ravenwarrior: Come on, guys, think! We can't be wasting time doing dishes here, we have a Secret Board to find!

mario man4: I've got it!

Xim: He's got it!

Red Maw: Well, you'd better have it, or you'll get it!

slobr: Got it.

Red Maw: Did you get the got it?

dwimmerlaik: I didn't quite ge--

Groovilicious: ENOUGH!
From: Xim | Posted: 11/28/2005 10:59:43 PM | Message Detail
LCC: So what's the plan? You want I should obliterate the vicinity with a well-placed fireball?

mario man4: Too complicated! Here, listen!
*motions for the others to huddle*

*and so, mario man4 told the others his elaborate plan to escape the fortress of Red Maw, which apparently involved a lot of improvisation and eating pickles*

warutrid: Showtime!
*doubles over and starts coughing*

Xim: *tugs on Red Maw's sleeve*
Hey, Maw. Look, look! war's in bad shape! Looks like we'll have to inexplicably go outside and return with some sort of miracle cure.

Red Maw: I certainly see nothing exploitable about that.

DocProc: Can we borrow some shotguns? You know, in case you figure out what we're actually doing and start chasing us.

Red Maw: How dumb do you think I am?! Why, the very thought that you would think I'd give you guys shotguns is insulting!

ravenwarrior: Uh oh..

Red Maw: I don't have somethign that dangerous at the Inn! What if someone tried to run out on their bill with one? You'll all take paintball guns and be thankful you get that!

*thusly, everyone was given a paintball gun and shoved out the front door*

*and so began the great escape*

warutrid: Um.. do you guys remember it being this dark a few minutes ago?

Groovilicious: Not only that, but what's with all the watch towers and spotlights?

*a siren was blaring somewhere as the search lights scanned the area for the deadbeats trying to run out on their bill, faint explosions could be heard in the distance as hails of gunfire were met by the screams of men*

warutrid: Is it just me, or is this a little extreme for a free bed and breakfast?

Xim: Let's go!

*with the stealth of a self-taught ninja, Xim thundered across no man's land, screaming and firing his paintball gun in the air, followed closely by his comrades until they reached the outer wall of the compound*

Icarus Ascending: Damn, there's a wall here!

ravenwarrior: Why didn't we realize we would probably have to deal with it in the near future when we were running toward it?

LCC: Forget it, let's just climb over it!

*the hunters look up to the top of the fence and take note of the barbed wire*

dwimmerlaik: Holy rusted metal, Batman!

Groovilicious: Indeed. It would seem we need to find another way around.

Xim: I know!

LCC: What do we do?

Xim: *unsheathes several shovels from what some might describe as "thin air"*
It's easy, get it?

dwimmerlaik: Got it!

Groovilicious: Are you gonna start that again?
From: Xim | Posted: 11/28/2005 11:00:18 PM | Message Detail
*they all take a shovel and start digging a tunnel under the wall, taking note of the shiny gas pipes they uncover, not so much because of the potential threat they could cause, but more because they're shiny*

*as they dig, Xim's acute hearing detects an approaching threat*

Xim: Ahh! Look out! Something's coming for us!
*pulls out his paintball gun and shoots wildly*

warutrid: Oww! That was me, Xim!

Xim: Oh, my mistake.
*..shoots warutrid again*

*as the Gods of Flimsy Alibis would have it, someone really did approach*

Red Maw: *walks over calmly*
You guys aren't trying to run out on your bill are you?

Xim: *steps out of his ten foot deep hole and throws his shovel aside*
Sir, you wound me. What sort of horrible people do you think we are?
*takes another pot shot at warutrid*

dwimmerlaik: Yeah, here's what we think of your petty accusations!!
*hands in a detailed report*

Red Maw: Look, I'm sure we can work something out. No need to let this little slip-up get out of hand.
*sidesteps a missile*

Groovilicious: I suppose you're right. After all, at two bucks per room, it would be kind of silly to do something we might regret.
*pulls the pin out and chucks a hand grenade over the wall*

*Groovilicious and the others hit the dirt as the grenade blows a gaping hole in the side of the barrier*

Groovilicious: Let's go!

*the hunters scramble out the cavity in the wall, leaving a wounded, shrapnel-infested Red Maw lying on the ground*

Red Maw: *weakly raises his head*
H-have a nice day!

dwimmerlaik: Don't you tell me what to do!

And so the menaces to society get away with it.. again! The group now heads for Forest Sways, unaware of the easyships that lie just ahead....
From: tyronewiggins | Posted: 12/1/2005 9:57:34 PM | Message Detail
wow ye worked hard on dis
---
From: c o s m i c | Posted: 8/9/2005 5:53:21 AM | Message Detail
What an interesting method of asking for sex.
From: Groovilicious | Posted: 12/4/2005 11:45:04 AM | Message Detail
Funniest thing I've read in ages. Nice work!

---
Woh nedes a spel chekcer, aynwya?
Beware of pirhana. }«{{{°> }«{{{°> }«{{{°>
From: whatmustido | Posted: 12/6/2005 10:08:37 PM | Message Detail
I don't even get a thanks. Oh well. Nice story.
---
The USA is the only country I know of that makes its children take multiple English classes and then still **** up the language. WTF?
From: LCC | Posted: 12/7/2005 6:12:35 AM | Message Detail
I will not post a comment! NEVER!
---
|."."|¯¯.|¯¯
|__.|__.|__
From: whatmustido | Posted: 12/9/2005 10:28:12 PM | Message Detail
Yes you will! Somebody grab him! We'll get a comment out of him if we have to resort to the mice and figs.
---
The USA is the only country I know of that makes its children take multiple English classes and then still **** up the language. WTF?
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 12/11/2005 12:22:20 AM | Message Detail
Deliciously saucy. I think DocProc needs to have more lines though... And remember to put Agent in PART 2!

*bribes you with notpants*
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
From: slobr | Posted: 12/24/2005 8:43:49 PM | Message Detail
I say you kill off that slobr character. He's giving me diarrhea.
---
õ¿Ô - All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited cat turds.
¯¯¯ - §£øß®
From: whatmustido | Posted: 12/25/2005 5:50:56 AM | Message Detail
First off, Happy Christmahanukwanzaka. Secondly, we'll need you to sign these writs before anyone is killed.
---
The USA is the only country I know of that makes its children take multiple English classes and then still **** up the language. WTF?
From: Medea | Posted: 12/25/2005 2:37:22 PM | Message Detail
Wow, I haven't read this in a long time.

---
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- Hunter S. Thompson (1939-2005)
From: NinjaMaster | Posted: 1/10/2006 2:59:48 AM | Message Detail
I haven't read any of it in like a year. I think I'm going to order Xim to put it all in a text file and have him e-mail it to me so I can read it in my own due time. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll do that tomorrow. Or next Arbor Day at the latest.
---
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
From: Bect | Posted: 1/17/2006 8:32:09 PM | Message Detail
Hello
---
Not changing this sig until I get TES: Oblivion
Started: 12/16/05 9:16 PM
From: Mikeaspike4 | Posted: 1/19/2006 10:17:24 PM | Message Detail
I've still never gotten the time to read through this whole thing yet.
---
If you always tell the truth, people will stop believing you.
From: warutrid | Posted: 1/23/2006 10:00:58 PM | Message Detail
I can't wait to see if I live through the next installment!
---
\/\//-\** Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things. **|Z|_|
¯|¯|Z** Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. **][ |)
From: ArborDayBUGWEY | Posted: 1/24/2006 6:15:16 AM | Message Detail
I can't wait till NEXT Arbor Day!
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
From: Xim | Posted: 1/25/2006 5:08:39 PM | Message Detail
That's still the greatest alt of all time. It's like, BUGWEY, but with a closet obsession with Arbor Day. Gold!

My New Year's resolution was to update this story once a week. And since it is now officially the first week of the new year, I can break said resolution.. in earnest!
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 1/25/2006 5:10:12 PM | Message Detail
Last time, the hunters had just managed to skip out on their hotel bill. But that night at the Inn, there was more going on than any of the readers could probably decipher. Y'know, unless this story's already been finished and you're just reading it again. Anyway, now we'd like to answer some of the questions that were raised by the vague conversations that took place. Of all the hunters, the most mysterious in his actions and words that night was, you guessed it.... dwimmerlaik. So to unravel some of the mysteries of his peculiar behavior, we take you now into the very dream he had that night..

Quest For The Lost Secret Board is ashamed to present....

Noir you go, I'll follow you.

*loud thunder crashes in the dark of night*

dwimmerlaik: It was a quiet day at the Wecheatem & Howe detective agency. Business was so slow I had even almost gotten tired of staring at the Map. Almost. I was just about to close up shop when.. she.. walked in.

Secretary: *enters*
Mr. dwimmerlaik, a Xim Vicious just called. He needs you to go downtown and bail him out again.

dwimmerlaik: Aw, again? I keep telling him that just because they look 18, it doesn't mean they are!

Secretary: I know, sir.
*exits*

dwimmerlaik: And just like that, she walked out of my life. Why did this always happen to me? Every time I get close to someone, they always end up getting hurt and.. oh? It would seem I wasn't as alone as I thought..

Woman: *knocks*

dwimmerlaik: Come in.
Of all the offices of all the detective agencies of all the world, she had to walk into mine. Which I suppose makes sense, as it would be a little confusing to knock on my door then enter a different one. All I know is, she had the silhouette of an angel from behind my office door. It wasn't until she walked in that I realized the wings were actually duct-taped to her back. She walked over to my desk in slow motion, the camera man moving with her. It was the kind of cheesy entrance low budget films from the 40's usually have. Her scent reminded me of my first love somehow. Probably because my first love also couldn't say no to the heavenly blend of peanut butter and horseradish perfume. She raised her head to look at me through the veil that hung from the brim of her velvet hat. When she spoke, I could have sworn I was listening to the sound of angels singing.

Woman: dwimmerlaik?

dwimmerlaik: Quickly, I removed my headphones and lowered the volume of my Sounds Of Angels Singing CD.
Sorry, what?

Woman: Detective dwimmerlaik?

dwimmerlaik: That's right.
I stood up, with Map in hand. I saw her big blue eyes glance at it tersely.

Woman: Why, that's--

dwimmerlaik: Her voice trailed off. I saw her eyes roll to the back of her head. I'd seen that expression before. It's the kind that people often wear when Xim hasn't taken a shower in a few days. I knew what would come next. I leapt over my desk and caught her just before she hit the ground. My eyes scanned her face. She looked so innocent and natural, like a sleeping platypus. In all my years in the business, I'd never seen anyone so beautiful. And here she was, passed out in my office, with my secretary gone for the evening. This was too good to be true! I cautiously glanced around. At that moment, her eyes slowly opened. Damn.

Woman: Thank you for catching me.

dwimmerlaik: My pleasure.
Yeah, well.. it would have been even moreso if she would have just stayed passed out for a few more minutes.
From: Xim | Posted: 1/25/2006 5:11:29 PM | Message Detail
Woman: *sighs and sits down on a nearby sofa*
I apologize for my dramatic entrance. It's just that when I saw.. that is.. that Map..

dwimmerlaik: It's pretty cool, huh?

Woman: That is the Map, isn't it?

dwimmerlaik: ..Care for a cigar?

Woman: Oh no, I don't smoke, thanks.

dwimmerlaik: *shrugs and pops a candy cigar in his mouth*
What's your name, doll face?

Woman: Mary. Mary MacGuffin.

dwimmerlaik: Mary.. Your folks must have had a messed up sense of humor. I'd hate to have such a weird name. Speaking of which, how'd you know my name, miss?

Mary: It was written on the door of your office.

dwimmerlaik: I had been in this business a long time. Did she really think she could fool me with such an old trick?
Oh yeah? Then what's my Aunt Bernice's maiden name?

Mary: Um.. uh.. Smithjohnsington?

dwimmerlaik: She was good. That was quicker than most.
So what seems to be the trouble, Mary?

Mary: Right. I came because I think there's a man stalking me. A dangerous man.

dwimmerlaik: And this man.. he's a dangerous one?

Mary: That's right! How did you know?

dwimmerlaik: It's my business to perceive things others do not. Now, Miss.. uh..

Mary: Mary. Mary MacGuffin.

dwimmerlaik: Well, Miss MacGuffin. What seems to be the trouble?

Mary: There's a man stalking me!

dwimmerlaik: Impossible. We just met!

Mary: ..Are you drunk?

dwimmerlaik: She was good, alright. Maybe too good.
Nevermind that. Now.. what makes you think this man is stalking you?

Mary: Well.. I saw him last night at a club, and then on my way home, he was walking on the opposite side of the street. And then this morning, I found him in my bathroom and he started mumbling something about the weather, trying to play it off like nothing was out of the ordinary.

dwimmerlaik: Could it be possible that you're stalking him?

Mary: I'd never thought about it like that before..

dwimmerlaik: If a semester of high school philosophy has taught me anything, it's that you should always think outside of the box. That, and 16-year-olds don't have any clue what the hell life is all about.

Mary: Still, I don't think so. He kept referring to himself as "Stalker Stan".

dwimmerlaik: Hmm.. there might be a clue in there somewhere. Well, Murray--

Mary: Mary.

dwimmerlaik: Well, Jerome, I'll take the case!

Mary: Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you!

dwimmerlaik: Don't thank me, thank A1 Steak Sauce.
*holds up a bottle*
Yeah, it's that important.

*outside, Groovilicious walks by the building and shakes her fist at dwimmerlaik the sell out*

*dwimmerlaik and Mary wait for Night to fall; when she does, they point and laugh at the klutz*

dwimmerlaik: Alright, Mary. Can you describe this man?

Mary: Yes. Yes, I think so.

dwimmerlaik: Good. That proves the whole ordeal hasn't affected your mental state. Now, with no leads on how to find this guy, such as what he looks like, I think it would be best if we start visiting some seedy bars.

Mary: ....

dwimmerlaik: To gather info.

Mary: ..You just want to get drunk, don't you?

dwimmerlaik: Mary said something to me then, but I didn't quite hear her. We decided to head over to the seediest bar I've ever encountered: Pub Games. All kinds of lowlifes hang out there. Why, I'm a regular myself! You''ll encounter all kinds at that place. Hell, the owner is the scummiest scum I've ever met in my life. He'd probably take that as a compliment, though.
When we got there, I told Mary to wait outside. This place can get a bit rowdy, especially when I'm involved. Er.. that is, I didn't want any of these slimeballs starting anything. So, like any good private inspector, I left my client, who was currently being stalked, outside all alone.
From: Xim | Posted: 1/25/2006 5:12:28 PM | Message Detail
Woman behind the counter: Well, hello, stretch. What'll ya have?

dwimmerlaik: This was odd. Where was Xim, the owner? He always did the bartending.
This is odd. Where is Xim, the owner? He always does the bartending.

Woman behind the counter: Weren't you supposed to bail him out of prison or something?

dwimmerlaik: *takes a seat in front of the counter*
To answer your less incriminating question, I'll have a glass of milk. Can't drink while on the job.

*the woman slides a beer over to dwimmerlaik; he happily swallows it in one gulp*

Woman behind the counter: Oh? And what sort of work are you doing, hon'?

dwimmerlaik: I'll answer the questions here!

Woman behind the counter: Okay.

dwimmerlaik: I'm a detective. I'm here undercover to gather information about a young lady who's being stalked.

Woman behind the counter: Well, I believe you've blown your cover, love.

dwimmerlaik: *looks down and realizes he's not wearing any pants*

Woman behind the counter: So why come here?

dwimmerlaik: Just a hunch.
*eyes dart left and right*
Keep 'em coming.

*she slides another mug dwimmerlaik's way*

dwimmerlaik: So.. you know anyone that comes here often that might be a potential stalker?

Woman behind the counter: Well, I--

dwimmerlaik: BESIDES me?

Woman behind the counter: Oh. In that case, there's always Rocko.

dwimmerlaik: Rocko, eh? What's this punk look like?

Woman behind the counter: He's a little guy. Always wears a blue shirt with purple triangles on it. Oh, and he always hangs out with this fat cow.

dwimmerlaik: Steer. Anyway, that doesn't sound like him. The guy I'm looking for is much more--

Woman behind the counter: But didn't Mary not tell you what this guy looked like?

dwimmerlaik: ....

Woman behind the counter: ....

dwimmerlaik: It was at that moment I realized this dame had slipped me a mickey. My vision was shifting in and out of focus. My heart raced. I tried to think of an adequate response to her reasonable query, but I found that I couldn't speak. I felt my head drop and everything went black.

Woman behind the counter: Geez, the things men will do to get out of answering a simple question.

dwimmerlaik: When I came to, I found myself in a dark room. The only source of light was a fan on the wall, letting sunlight enter in flashes as the blades turned. I seemed to be tied to a chair and my nose was itchy. I also really had to go the beathroom. And a chocolate sundae really would have hit the spot, too. I was sure in a fix this time.

Voice: Well, well. Looks like Sleeping Beauty has awakened.

Voice # 2: Yeah, and this detective woke up, too.

Voice # 3: Come on, man. Stop watching that movie, we've got work.

Voice: But she was awakened by a kiss! It's so beautiful!

Voice # 3: Aw, Beauty And The Beast was cooler.

Voice # 2: Yeah, but nothing will ever compare to Aladdin.

Voice: What?! How can you say that?!

Voice # 2: Remember when he was fighting that kickass Snake--

dwimmerlaik: Oh, great. I'd been captured by a couple of Disney freaks. This was worse than the time I got beat up by Minnie Mouse in Disney World. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't go there! It's fun for the WHOLE FAMILY!!

Voice # 3: Groovilicious would not stand for this!
From: Xim | Posted: 1/25/2006 5:13:23 PM | Message Detail
dwimmerlaik: Um, can I go now?

Voice: No you can't go now! We still have to interrogate you!

dwimmerlaik: Fine, fine. My favorite is Aladdin, too.

Voice # 2: Haha! That's one up for me!

Voice: Not THAT! We have more important questions!

Voice # 3: You're just mad because he agreed with Ralph.

Voice: So anyway, we've heard you were asking around about the boss.

dwimmerlaik: The boss? You work for the stalker?!

Voice # 2: Oh no. We just like to call him "the boss" because we have no affiliation with him. Yes, we work for him, Sherlock!

dwimmerlaik: But why? It's not like there's much money to be made through stalking..

Voice # 3: Hey! I'll have you know that stalking is one of the fastest-growing industries on the market today!

Voice: Why, if you take a look at this chart here, it's clear to see--

Voice # 2: Okay, enough of that! We're doing an interrogation here!

dwimmerlaik: But I don't know anything!

Voice # 3: Yeah, we've done a thorough background check on this guy. Based on the people he usually hangs out with, he might not be too far from the truth with that statement.

Voice: Doesn't matter. The boss told us to interrogate him all the same.

Voice # 2: So, uh.. how do you feel about The Little Mermaid?

dwimmerlaik: Um..

Voice: Personally, I felt the Prince was way too 2-Dimensional. He was so--

dwimmerlaik: It was at that moment that I realized I wasn't so much "tied to the chair" as I was "completely free to move my arms and legs and stand up". I leapt to my feet and bravely took out my formidable opponent with a spinning roundhouse kick.

Voice # 3: Hey, he kicked the door down!

Voice # 2: And now he's cowardly making a break for it!

Voice: And now he's disappeared from our line of vision and there's no more action to narrate!

Voice: # 3: ....Well. We could've stopped him but we just stood here..

Voice: Wanna watch the next one?

Voice # 2: I nominate The Rescuers Down Under.

*meanwhile*

dwimmerlaik: I recognized where I was at once. It was the alley behind Xim's pub where he and I used to beat up people for the their juice money back in third grade. Oh, we sure had some good times last month.
I rounded the bend and saw Mary still waiting for me outside. Fool girl! She was being stalked! Why was she alone?!

Mary: Oh, there you are. Find anything out?

dwimmerlaik: Only that we're dealing with some real incompetents here.

Mary: Oh my!

dwimmerlaik: Don't worry, baby. Incompetency is my specialty!
*does a little jig*

Mary: *giggles*

dwimmerlaik: There I was, dancing like a kid trying to impress the girl next door. An extremely suave and good-looking kid.. It was like I would do anything to get her to notice me.. traveling several feet out of my way just to see her.. why? What was I doing? Could it be that I was falling for her? No. A private eye must never fall for his client..

Mary: What are you thinking about, dwimmerlaik?

dwimmerlaik: Quick, you fool! Come up with a good excuse!
I was just picturing you naked.
Well, dammit.

*suddenly, a slow clap emanated from the alley behind the two*

dwimmerlaik: *spins around and steps in front of Mary*

*a silhouetted figure turns the corner, still clapping*

Man: Good work, detective. You managed to escape my henchmen.

Mary: That's him! That's Stalker Stan!

dwimmerlaik: Thanks for clearing that mystery up for me, doll face!
*tips the brim of his hat over the top of his eyes, giving himself a sinister, grim look*
So. We meet at last, Stan.

Mary: Why are you after me?!

dwimmerlaik: *turns to Mary*
Well, damn, girl. Just look at you! I mean, the fake wings alone would make any guy--
From: Xim | Posted: 1/25/2006 5:14:16 PM | Message Detail
Stalker Stan: No, I'm afraid not. What I'm really after is.. THIS!
*suddenly grabs the Map from dwimmerlaik's pocket*

dwimemrlaik: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*the three henchmen rush out and grab dwimmerlaik before he can reclaim the Map*

dwimmerlaik: You bastard!

Mary: Stan, give it back! I'll have no part in this anymore!

dwimmerlaik: *slowly looks at Mary*
M.. Mary?

Stalker Stan: That's right, dwimmerlaik. I hired Mary to lead you to me.

dwimmerlaik: But.. but how? How did you know I had the Map?!

Stalker Stan: It's because..
*steps into the light*

dwimmerlaik: You..!

warutrid: That's right, dwimmerlaik! Now I get to hold the Map! Ahahahaha!

dwimmerlaik: Dammit! Mary, how could you?!

Mary: dwimmerlaik, I'm so sorry! I didn't know what kind of man you were when I accepted this job! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I.. I love--

dwimmerlaik: Don't you talk to me, you witch!

warutrid: Ahah! Good work, Mary!

dwimmerlaik: You won't get away with this, warutrid! I'll have that Map back!

warutrid: Hah! In your dreams!

dwimmerlaik: Precisely.

warutrid: ..Aw, dammit!

*suddenly, warutrid and his henchmen disappear in a poof of smoke*

dwimmerlaik: *walks forward and picks up the Map*
Ah, back in the hands of its rightful owner.

Mary: dwimmerlaik.. I'm.. I'm so--

dwimmerlaik: Don't worry about it, doll face. I too can understand the power the desire for this Map can hold over people. I don't blame you.

Mary: Oh, dwimmerlaik!

*she rushes forward, but dwimmerlaik steps away from her*

dwimmerlaik: However, though I do not blame you, I can't accept the fact that you played me for a fool.

Mary: dwimmerlaik..

dwimmerlaik: It just wasn't meant to be, sweet cakes.

Mary: I.. I understand. But.. Sometimes I feel I would like to...

dwimmerlaik: You'd like to what? Kiss me?
Yeah, that would be nice. It would give me a chance to tell her I was starting to feel something for her. Something warm and squishy. But a man in my business can't take on a wife, have a bunch of kids--

Mary: We wouldn't have to have kids.

dwimmerlaik: What?

Mary: Oh. Nevermind.

dwimmerlaik: Well, I guess that's about it. Don't worry about my fee, lady. I'd rather not remember I was ever in contact with you.
*puts on his hat and begins to walk off*

Mary: dwimmerlaik, dwimmerlaik.. dwimmerlaik, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

dwimmerlaik: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a.. you know what? Screw that! Let's get hitched!

*and so, dwimmerlaik and Mary walked off into the sunset, onto their new life of getting divorced and fighting for weekend access after several years of steamy love affairs*

What the..? That didn't explain anything! Just when my hatred for Xim and his stupid story had died down to mere bloodlust, he goes and pull this crap! He better have an answer for some of that nonsense from the last installment soon, or I'm going to have to revoke his living privileges. Again.
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: IMADV8 | Posted: 1/27/2006 1:14:24 AM | Message Detail
I demand a cameo. In return, I offer to get Kestrel to host the story on his site.
I also demand a hotdog. I offer nothing in return for that.
---
Board 580017: Dark Tower: The Last Free Board on GameFAQs
Have you accepted Rasputin as your personal savior? Board 579765: The Official Rasputin Board
From: Lord Kestrel | Posted: 1/27/2006 8:46:35 PM | Message Detail
WHAT?! I never agreed to that!

But yeah, I'd do it...

Anyway, I was just dropping in to say hello.
---
Dark Tower: The Last Free Board on GameFAQs
http://boards.gamefaqs.com/gfaqs/gentopic.php?board=29893
From: IMADV8 | Posted: 1/27/2006 10:06:11 PM | Message Detail
See? I already held up my end of the bargain you never agreed to. Now it's your turn.
---
Board 580017: Dark Tower: The Last Free Board on GameFAQs
Have you accepted Rasputin as your personal savior? Board 579765: The Official Rasputin Board
From: LCC | Posted: 1/28/2006 10:31:45 AM | Message Detail
HEY FOLKS! Guess what!? Special DVD versions of the QFTLSB episodes are soon coming to a DVD store far away from you! It's got special features such as: wide screen, deleted scenes, choice between color and black and white, running time, and AN ALTERNATE ENDING!

dwimmerlaik: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a ham. Mmmmmm... ham....

*and so, dwimmerlaik knawed on various hams, so much that he got drunk off of the said hams. As for Mary, she walked off into the sunset, onto her new life of getting shot out of canons at the local circus and fighting for a piece of raw steak with her roomate*




BUY YOURS TODAY!!!!

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|."."|¯¯.|¯¯
|__.|__.|__
From: IMADV8 | Posted: 2/5/2006 3:50:47 AM | Message Detail
Hmmm... It's been a while since this was bumped....

*guards topic from purge-monster*

*is snuck up on and eaten by said purge-monster*

*purge-monster chokes to death on my left shoe*


Our hero has valiantly sacrificed his life to save Xim's story for another two weeks! But what happens THEN?!?! What will happen to the topic now that our intrepid hero is dead? Will Xim finally get off his lazy ass and update the story? Will LCC ever stop trying to steal the spotlight? And what the hell is up with BUGWEY?!?! Find out the answers to these questions and more, next time someone bothers to post!
---
Board 580017: Dark Tower: The Last Free Board on GameFAQs
Have you accepted Rasputin as your personal savior? Board 579765: The Official Rasputin Board
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 2/9/2006 2:04:21 PM | Message Detail
*rolls BUGWEY into a roll*

Whatever happen to the story's fad. And Bilk. It'll poison your water supply!

*Cheesy dead-Celebrity smile*
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
From: Xim | Posted: 2/10/2006 1:48:20 AM | Message Detail
Hey, Mr. "I Made V8", just because you're the creator of one of the healthiest drinks known to man-science, next to mayonnaise of course, doesn't mean you can just burst in here and start issuing demands! Why, I have half a mind to put you in my story as punishment!

The other half is reserved for the ladies.

*winks*

All seriousness aside, I'd be honored if Kestrel would host my story. And by "honored" I mean "expecting royalties". Lord knows my DVD sales haven't exactly been up to par. I blame the fact that the story's only kind of a motion picture, and more or less completely not. Yeah, LCC really dropped the ball on that one. I kept telling him he didn't have to follow my advertising scam to the letter. That's the last time I make my friends do all of my work for me!

Speaking of which, what are you talking about, rav? Last time I made Proc check for me, the story had no fads or recurring jokes that I keep using because I'm ridiculously uncreative. I hate when you do that! Acting all enigmatic and vague to throw people off the scent. It's like back in the summer of aught-four when you took the merplank and applied a liberal amount of tallywaggle.
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 2/10/2006 1:49:29 AM | Message Detail
So ANYWAY, our hunters are now on their way to Forest Sways. And no, none of the other characters had dreams. I don't CARE what Xim says!

LCC: Man, that was a close one.

Xim: But I can't help but feel we've forgotten something..

*meanwhile*

Red Maw: Boy, they sure didn't forget anything. The whole Inn's been ransacked!

*and we're back*

DocProc: The joke had been done too many times anyway, in my opinion.

warutrid: So how much farther till we get to Playdia?

Groovilicious: *surveys the surroundings*
We're on Redemption right now. Not much longer now.

Old Man: Please, you must hurry!

slobr: Yeah, we.... what the?!

*the hunters pause and stare at the old man that had apparently been walking next to them for some time*

Icarus Ascending: Where the hell did you come from?

Old Man: Please, good people! You must save my granddaughter!

Xim: Slow down, man! You've got us all confused!

dwimmerlaik: Yeah, "good people"? Enough of your nonsense!

ravenwarrior: So what's wrong?

Old Man: It's my granddaughter, Melanie! She went to the woods to collect some mushrooms for me, but she didn't return!

mario man4: Why didn't you go looking for her?

Old Man: I didn't even realize it until a few days later when--

Groovilicious: Days?!

Old Man: Well, that's when my mushroom stock ran out, you see. Um, I wasn't really in a position to go look for her before that.
*adjusts his tie-dye shirt nervously*

DocProc: Oh, I get it. You mean you were--

Old Man: *coughermcough*
So anyway, that's when I went to go look for her, but when I found her.. oh! It was awful!

ravenwarrior: What happened?!

Old Man: She'd been attacked by LordOchu, the lord of the woods!

Xim: Oh! I've heard of this!

Groovilicious: Oh, that's right! This was the next hint on the--

Xim: It's a sidequest!

Icarus Ascending: Oh, not this RPG crap again.

Xim: C'mon guys, think about it! A random person appears in the woods, seeking our help on something that has NOTHING to do with our current objective (i.e. stealing all your money and starting a mayonnaise-worshipping colony), and what's more, he's old! It's always old people that start these things!

mario man4: Dude, this is our next objective, Xim.

Old Man: Um.. about my granddaughter..

Xim: That's all a matter of opinion, really.

LCC: Dammit! I swear, if you didn't owe me money--

Xim: That's what SHE said!

DocProc: Zing!

Old Man: Um.. the--

ravenwarrior: Look, whatever it is, we've all agreed we're going to do it, right?

*a garbled response of "Yes", "Only if it's a sidequest", and "unintelligible gurgling" issued forth from the other hunters*

ravenwarrior: Alright, then, let's go!

*they shove the Old Man to the side of the road and continue along the path*

Old Man: *raises himself up on his elbows and watches one of the idiots trying to grab a piece of parchment from another and failing miserably*
Good lord.. what have I done? Forgive me, Melanie..

*later that morning..*

warutrid: *steps into a clearing and observes the swaying tree branches overhead, casting patches of light onto the forest floor below*
Looks like we're here.

LCC: It sure is peaceful here. This looks a good place to concentrate and focus magical energies.

slobr: Speaking of a lack of obnoxious, loud talking and dimwitted laughing, where's Xim?

ravenwarrior: Hey, you're right! I thought he was right behind us.

Groovilicious: Oh, don't worry. I'm sure wherever he is he's not doing anything stupid that will cause us a lot of trouble.

*an awkward silence follows*

Groovilicious: Um, I'll go look for him.
From: Xim | Posted: 2/10/2006 1:50:14 AM | Message Detail
*meanwhile, several clearings away, high above in the tree tops of Forest Sways, a lithe Xim sat perched atop a great redwood, staring down at a group of people ravenously*

Xim: Hapless wanderers on the harsh wildlands of the secret boards, eh?

*Xim made several notes about his quarry: They were wandering around the secret boards, they each wore an "I want to go home" expression, so naturally, they wanted to become hunters but needed a mentor, and finally, he was that mentor*

Xim: *stands up and crosses his arms, speaking in a slow, serious tone, enunciating each and every syllable to further drive his noble mission*
Very well. It is my sworn duty as a hunter to forcibly render aid and thereby convert these poor souls into secret board hunters themselves!

*suddenly, a tall figure approached the people below*

Xim: Eh? What's this?

Figure: --so, anyway, to become a hunter all you need to do is--

Xim: *almost falls over in shock*
What the?! No way!
*leaps off the branch*

*Xim plunged to the ground below, the wind whipping at his face, his clothes to billowing, giving him the windswept look of a very stupid and clumsy eagle descending upon a gathering of fish*

*he expertly landed on his face and intimidatingly stumbled to his feet before tumbling sideways into a tree*

Xim: *massages his head*
Ha ho! Serves you right, villain! That'll teach you to try to steal my soon-to-be loyal subjects!

Lost wanderer: Oh, great. Another weirdo.

Figure: Who the hell are you?!

Xim: *strikes a pose*
Me?! Why, I'm Xim Vicious! Rank: secret board hunter extraordinaire!

Figure: *snickers*
Well, your entrance certainly proves that.

*Xim, unable to perceive sarcasm, takes it as a compliment*

Xim: Why, thank you. And who are you?

Figure: The name's Mr Agent Guy. Rank: secret board hunter extraordinaire.. plus one!

Xim: What?! No fair!

Lost wanderer 2: Can we go home now?

*just the, Groovilicious arrived on the scene*

Groovilicious: Xim! There you are! What are you-- Who are these people?

Mr Agent Guy: *strikes a more impressive pose*
Mr Agent Guy, better than Xim, at your service!

Lost wanderer 3: Whatever.
*they leave the clearing without a second glance*

Xim: Now look what you've done!
*shoves Agent aside*
Hey, Groovi. I was just about to teach some newbies the way of the hunt when this bozo showed up.

Mr Agent Guy: What?!
*shoves Xim back*
Hey, I saw them first! I will make them into hunters!

Xim: No way! Forcing random people on the secret boards to become hunters is my shtick, buddy!

Groovi: Xim, please, don't--

Xim: Now now, Groovi. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely. Just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr.... poopy pants!

Mr Agent Guy: Oh, that does it! You're mine!

Xim: Hah! Bring it on, wannabe hunter!
*unsheathes his Christmas Ham*

Mr Agent Guy: *whips out a trout*
DIE, you.. you stealer of my disciples!

*and so, the two hunters spoke in painfully obvious dubbed voices while brandishing their makeshift weapons menacingly, giving the whole scene the feel of a 70's kung fu flick*

Mr Agent Guy: *performs a series of complicated, unnecessary swings with the fish*
YourChristmasham-stylekungfuisnomatchformy FIST OF THE TROUT TECHNIQUE!
*lens flare!*

Xim: *camera zooms up on his face*
GUH!!

*an extremely stupid battle unfolded, the two hunters trading mighty blows with their respective oversized foodstuffs and exchanging illogical insults about the other's mother*

*several minutes later, the two lay flat on their backs several feet apart, their chests heaving as they stared up at the treetops*
From: Xim | Posted: 2/10/2006 1:50:54 AM | Message Detail
Mr Agent Guy: And.. and if you were.. in a.. in a stupid contest, you'd.. you'd win.. or lose.... whichever is funnier..

Xim: *makes a stick figure drawing of Agent on the dirt next to him and starts halfheartedly hitting it with the back of his hand*

Groovilicious: *leaning against a tree and sipping a glass of lemonade*
You two had enough yet?

*slowly and painfully, the two hunters raise themselves to their feet*

Mr Agent Guy: *gasping for breath*
We seem to be.. evenly matched.. Xim.

Xim: Yeah.. 'cept for the fact that.. I kicked your ass..
*rubs his bruised and battered ribcage*

Mr Agent Guy: *raises his trout angrily, but falls over from the sheer weight*

Xim: *points a shaking finger at Agent*
Ha..ha. see what I.. what I..
*falls down too*
Aw, it's no use. I can hardly move. You're stronger than I thought.

Mr Agent Guy: You, too.. Too bad you're ugly, or I might even consider you a rival.

Xim: *brushes some hair out of his eyes in a huff*
So what now? You gonna rip off my pretty boy routine too?

Mr Agent Guy: Psh, I've been the heartthrob of the secret boards for years now.
*spits out some broken teeth in an attempt to somehow solidify this claim*

Xim: Oh yeah?

*with surprising agility, the two leap to their feet once more*

Xim: *raises his Ham menacingly*
Well if I had a dollar for every time someone's commented on my good looks, then I'd have.. um.. carry the five..

Groovilicious: Oh, come on, you two. Can't you guys just.. huh?

*the three hunters are suddenly aware of a distant rumbling beginning to build*

Mr Agent Guy: *adopts a dark look*
Something's coming.

Xim: Yeah, but from where?

*the two stand back to back with their weapons drawn, surveying the trees for any sign of movement*

Groovilicious: THERE!
*points to the side of the clearing*

*a tremendous beast crashed through the trees, its tendrils thrashing about wildly as a high pitched shriek emanated from somewhere within its hulking form*

*Xim and Mr Agent Guy leap out of its path just in time*

Xim: What the hell is this?!

*the behemoth turned and towered over the hunters, a quivering mass of earth, plant roots and various flora*

*near the top of the creature, a giant flower's petals snapped open and closed like the jaws of a bloodthirsty shark*

*the many protruding leaves which covered the monstrosity were secreting a green, oozing liquid which fell to the ground below, scorching the earth*

Groovilicious: Could it be.. LordOchu?

Xim & Mr Agent Guy: LOST SECRET BOARD!

*the two stared bewildered at each other for a moment before a sweeping tendril sent them flying into a nearby tree*

Xim: *quickly raises himself to one knee and looks at Mr Agent Guy*
Agent, you..?!

Mr Agent Guy: Don't interfere, Xim!
*leaps back into the fray*

Xim: Groovi!

Groovilicious: I'll get the others!

Xim: Right! I'll try to hold this thing off!

*Groovilicious darted into the shady recesses of the woods as Xim readied his giant Ham*

Xim: I may not know what's going on.. but to be fair, that's really no different than any other situation.
*anticipatingly smirks*
No way Agent's gonna one-up me on this one!

Mr Agent Guy: *deftly dodges the living tree roots and scampers up the side of the creature*

*a massive tendril slammrd against Xim, causing his knees to buckle under the tremendous pressure, but he amazingly held his ground*

Xim: *tightly gripping the tendril in one hand*
Heh. Here goes nothing.
From: Xim | Posted: 2/10/2006 1:51:33 AM | Message Detail
*as the tendril whipped into the air again, Xim was flung off his feet*

*by accident or intention, he let go halfway through the swing, soaring through the air directly at the monster's gaping maw*

Xim: *readies his Christmas Ham behind his head, preparing for a powerful blow*

*at the same time, Agent let loose a devastating strike with his trout*

*the ham smashed against one side of the enormous flower just as the trout hit the other, causing an earsplitting crack as the flower was reduced to a pulp*

*the two hunters landed side by side on the ground as the huge beast howled in pain and fell over, sending an earth-shaking crash throughout the entire forest*

*before either of them could register what had just transpired, Xim's comrades burst through the trees with their weapons drawn*

Icarus Ascending: *lets his crimson blade fall to the ground*
Whoa..

ravenwarrior: ....

warutrid: Amazing!

dwimmerlaik: *grins and watches a butterfly floating by, completely oblivious of anything else*

DocProc: Xim.. how did-- whoa!
*rushes forward*
This stuff is..!
*scoops up a handful of the green slime from the fallen creature's remains and stuffs it in his mouth*

slobr: Well, damn, Proc. We could've stopped for burgers or something..

DocProc: Dude, this is pure Jade Powder!

LCC: What? Really?!

mario man4: Mind filling us in, chief?

LCC: Jade Powder is one of the most magical substances on GameFAQs! It can be used for.. well, almost anything! You eat some, and you won't be hungry for days. It can heal mortal wounds almost instantly, expel any impurities in the mind or body, create a temporary surge of energy in movements.. it's value is beyond estimation! Only Adamite is more valuable, but to find pure Jade Powder.. Hell, even Master Svengarlic considered it to be a myth! You sure this is genuine, Proc?

DocProc: *leaps onto a nearby rock and balances himself on one fingertip*
Yeah, man! I came across a picture of it in a medical book once.

Groovilicious: *kneels down and doubtfully examines the substance*
You sure? This isn't a powder, this is more like a goo.

Xim: Exactly. That's what's so amazing.

*everyone turns to look at Xim*

Xim: This is Jade Powder in its natural, unrefined state. Usually, it's a green powder that's generally found in ancient catacombs, but it's originally this blob of goop. The legend goes that only a single creature on GameFAQs can produce it. Guess it was LordOchu. Heh, looks like this is the end of Jade Powder.

DocProc: ....How do you..?

slobr: You mean there'll never be any more of this crap?! So we're rich?!

Xim: *scoops the remaining Jade Powder into a jar*
Nah, there's only enough here for one serving.

ravenwarrior: You mean..?

Xim: That's right. We have to give it to that little kid. From what that old dude said, it sounds like she was poisoned by Ochu's venom.

DocProc: Damn. Xim's right. The only cure for Ochu venom is Jade Powder..

dwimmerlaik: Since when do either of you know what the hell you're talking about? I say we sell it.

mario man4: He's got a point. Imagine the riches we'll get for this stuff!

Mr Agent Guy: No way! If we do that, the path to the Lost Secret Board will be lost forever!

Icarus Ascending: *suddenly snaps to attention*
What the..?!

*with an amazing burst of speed, Icarus seemed to fly across the clearing, ramming Agent with his shoulder, pinning him against a tree with his boot*

Icarus: Who the hell are you.. and how do you know about that?

Xim: Yeah, I've been wondering the exact same thing.

Mr Agent Guy: *too exhausted to fight back*
Look, get your damn foot off me and I'll explain.
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