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From: Xim | Posted: 3/3/2005 2:22:04 AM | Message Detail
Intro quip.

Oni Lupe: Hold it right there.

Everyone: *gasp*

Freddy: You're still alive, Master Lupe?

Ted: Aha! Since Khona never killed you, he wasn't our leader when Master slobr killed him, so that makes you our leader!

Oni Lupe: *stands*
That's right.

slobr: Damn hanging chads. Well, I had a good run. It was either gonna be world domination or a sandwich in the end anyway. I made my decision, and I stick by it.
*finishes off the turkey sandwich*

Oni Lupe: *wipes off some blood*
Well, well. Looks like you've finished off that traitor, Khona. It would seem I've misjudged humans all these years. You can be quite resourceful when necessary.

ravenwarrior: Oh right, about that, what the heck was Khona anyway? He walked on two legs, but he looks just like the other wolves, only bigger.

Oni Lupe: Ah, I pity him. He used to be the runt of the litter.

Xim: Didn't look like much of a runt to me..

Oni Lupe: Well, he was always picked on as a child, so he thought that if he could be bigger than everyone else, it wouldn't matter how weak he was. Basically, he tried to become a Crinos before he came of age, and got stuck forever between his wolf and wolf-man forms. He went from being a weakling to a monster, but at least no one disrespected him, and there was no denying his strength.

Groovilicious: What about you? Why are you the only wolf-man? If the others had turned into whatever the heck that form is called, we wouldn't have stood a chance against them, right?

Oni Lupe: Interesting question. There are several reasons. But put simply, none of the others are old enough to become Crinos. Although we may not look it, we're all just kids as far as our tribe goes. We have an extremely long lifespan compared to humans. All the adults were slaughtered protecting us in a great battle decades ago with another tribe. As for me, I'm not a Crinos.

ravenwarrior: Oh? Then what are you?

Oni Lupe: My father was the former leader of our tribe. He, uh.. had a thing for human girls. My mother was human.

dwimmerlaik: Scandal. In. The. Crinos. Tribe.

Oni Lupe: Yes, well.. I'm half-human, half-wolf. This is my natural form. I don't know if I'm even capable of becoming Crinos, though.

DocProc: I guess that would explain how war was able to wound you.

Xim: Procers, you totally weren't here when that happened.

DocProc: They do it in RPG's all the time!

Oni Lupe: Even so, you're correct. I'm kind of what you'd call a half-immortal human, thanks to my father's genes. There's probably an actual term for that, but damned if Xim's going to look it up.

Xim: That guy is so lazy.

*suddenly, the boring talking is interrupted by a scream from above as another person comes crashing down on warutrid*

*poor, poor warutrid*

slobr: Hey! It's mario!

mario man4: *stands up*
Hey, guys. What's up?

Oni Lupe: Friend of yours?

Icarus Ascending: Yeah, we met him on the road. We were separated when pirates captured us.

ravenwarrior: What, again?

Icarus Ascending: Yeah, but we don't have to worry about them anymore, thanks to slobr.

*elsewhere*

Cruz: Alright ye scallawags, let's stop here! Weigh the anchor!

Pirate: 40 pounds!
*tosses anchor over the side*

Cruz: *steps off the ship onto a small island and picks up something shiny*
Har har! Just what we need to bring back th' Cap'n!

*back at Bloody Wolf*

slobr: Yeah, we scared them off for good, alright.

DocProc: But there was an explosion that sent us flying here. But we totally kicked their asses. No way did they actually win.
From: Xim | Posted: 3/3/2005 2:23:13 AM | Message Detail
Xim: So mm4, where'd you come from? Did you get caught in the explosion too?

mario man4: Nah, I climbed that tree over there and jumped off so I could land on warutrid.

Everyone: ....

mario man4: All the cool kids were doing it..

slobr: So what happened to you after we got caught, mario?

mario man4: Oh, I just kind of ran for my life from a group of angry pirates. You know, basically what everyone does in this story. Oh yeah, I ran into this guy. Said his name was Muhkayshy or something. He was going on and on about how bored he was and he was tired of waiting or something. I smiled and nodded, but I wasn't really paying attention. Eventually, he asked me to give this to DocProc if I saw him.
*holds up a box with decorative wrapping paper on it*

DocProc: Ah, the gift of wisdom! I thought I might have won that challenge.

Xim: Cool, now we don't have to backtrack! Open it, open it!

*DocProc opens the gift; inside is a single piece of paper*

DocProc: What the heck? Oh, there's something written here. Umm.. "One in the hand is worth two in the bush".

dwimmerlaik: Wisdom at its finest.

Oni Lupe: I'm not sure what's going on, but it would seem you've completed some stage of your journey. Will you be moving on soon?

Xim: Yeah, we should probably be heading out.

Oni Lupe: Oh, stay at least for the night. We have to repay you. If it weren't for you guys, Khona would probably be seated on my throne right about now. This calls for a celebration! We'll throw one of our famous demon wolf parties in your honor.

dwimmerlaik: I'll drink to that!

Oni Lupe: You can head out in the morning.

Xim: Awesome!

*the hunters gathered up what was left of warutrid and headed back to the demon wolf den*

*that night, the heroic slobr had gathered quite a crowd of the wolves recounting his valiant struggle against the invincible Khona..*

slobr: So then I says to 'im, I says "I ain't scared uh nothin' or nobody!" and then I slapped him around a little before finishing him off, you know? Like I always say, "the bigger they are, the more badass I am when I beat them up".

Demon Wolf Joe: Ooh!

Demon Wolf Kyle: You're so brave, slobr!

*over the course of the evening, slobr's "story" had fast evolved into an "exaggerrated tale" which grew into a "myth" which in turn became a "legend" before reaching its final and most exalted status, "an outright lie"*

Demon Wolf Matt: Hey, could you pass the salt now, human?

dwimmerlaik: I'll drink to that!

Demon Wolf Matt: That's what you said the last three times I asked..
From: Xim | Posted: 3/3/2005 2:23:51 AM | Message Detail
*off to the side of the party, Oni Lupe leans against a tree quietly while watching the festivities*

*Xim, piss drunk, stumbles over*

Xim: Hey, Lupe! Guess how many boobs I've seen tonight!

Oni Lupe: Heh. You crack me up, kid.

Xim: Seven!
*sits down against the tree next to Lupe*
So.. why haven't you joined in the party?

Oni Lupe: Oh, no reason really. I just never feel like I belong here, I guess, being half-human and all. Meeting you guys has given me a lot of things to think about. It's nice to just sit back and listen to the music at parties sometimes, too, you know.

Xim: Yeah, I guess. Those demon wolf girls sure can dance, though. Hey, but if you really don't feel like you belong here, become a hunter! Come with us!

Oni Lupe: Hmhm.. tempting offer, but.. no. I can't. This is my home after all, and the others need my leadership. But maybe someday when they can walk on their own, I'll take you up on that offer.

Xim: Hm.. well, if that's what you want. Oh, wait! I forgot to ask, what's with that scar of yours?

Oni Lupe: Oh this? A human gave it to me a couple years ago. He and his friends were on a journey like you guys, I think?

Xim: Kinnison?

Oni Lupe: Oh?! You know him?

Xim: By reputation. Do you know what happened to them after they left you guys? They were on the same journey as us.

Oni Lupe: Is that right? Things sure have a way of repeating. You guys remind me so much of them.. But, sorry. I haven't heard from them since.

Xim: Damn. Oh, well, that's okay. Well, this is probably the last time I'll be coherent enough to say this, so.. see ya later, Lupe. We'll be heading out first thing in the morning.

Oni Lupe: Heh, bye, Xim Vicious.

*the next day 11:30 AM*

warutrid: *kicks Xim*

Xim: Ow! Hey, cut it out, war! Why'd you wake me up so early.

warutrid: Xim, it's almost noon.

Xim: My point exactly. Ugh.. could someone get my head out of this vise?

warutrid: Damn, you look awful.

Xim: I shouldn't have had that last glass of not mayonnaise.. You look better though, war.

warutrid: Yeah, Lupe gave me some of their ancient healing herbs. They restore 30 HP each.

Xim: Nice.

warutrid: Come on, everyone else is ready to go.

Xim: *grumbles and gets up*

*the two head out onto the road and meet up with the others*

ravenwarrior: 'Bout time.

Xim: Uh.. what's our next destination?

dwimmerlaik: *whips out the Map with dwimmer-like skill*
"Board #5: We have defeated the evil magician Svengarlic atop the Tower Of Doom near Swimmer Lake. I feel as though we are getting ever closer to our destination."

warutrid: Well that's pretty straightforward.

mario man4: Tower Of Doom, eh? That sounds cheery.

Groovilicious: But knowing the jerk that made the Map, that's probably not what it means at all. Any of you guys ever hear fo Swimmer Lake?

DocProc: Not me.

dwimmerlaik: Yeah, what's swimmerlaik?

Icarus Ascending: Wait.. Svengarlic?! I know him! I've met him before on my journeys.

Groovilicious: Oh? What's he like?

Icarus Ascending: He's a magician. Svengarlic will take your breath away!

mario man4: *rimshot*

ravenwarrior: What, so he's a sorcerer. That could be trouble.

Icarus Ascending: No, not that kind of magician. He makes things disappear and such.

DocProc: You know, I've got an uncle that makes things disappear.

warutrid: Oh really? Is he a magician too?

DocProc: No, a cleptomaniac.
From: Xim | Posted: 3/3/2005 2:24:20 AM | Message Detail
Icarus Ascending: Svengarlic's a pretty good way to make a quick buck, too. He's really rich, and he hires hunters to collect treasure for him from all over the secret boards. I've actually done a few jobs for him in the past.

slobr: Oh, that's good. If he knows you, it'll make our job all the easier.

Icarus Ascending: Uh.. I doubt it. It's been a long time since I've seen him, and he wasn't exactly the most non-senile person back then anyway.

warutrid: Well, where's his place?

Icarus Ascending: I dunno. I always met him in this one cafe over on Intellivision, but that's nowhere near here.

ravenwarrior: Hmm.. well, without any leads on where to find this place, let's just keep an eye out for some kind of lake. If these Boards go in order, we should able to find it pretty easy.

warutrid: Yeah, just like when we found Vaitz Blade!

Xim: So it's decided! Onward, to Swimmer Lake!

*Xim stepped forward and lead the others down the path so he could once again assert himself as the Alpha of this particular pack, even if he was the only person who believed it*

*they continued until they reached the C Section of the SG-1000, a barren wasteland devoid of humanity*

*and since they were secret board hunters, the area was still devoid of humanity*

ravenwarrior: Man, this is boring.

DocProc: There must be something we can do while we walk.

mario man4: I know! I'll sing for you all the traditional song of my home country!

*a horrible sound erupted from his mouth, like a potato sack full of babies being beaten to death with another potato sack full of babies*

ravenwarrior: Agh! Could you please stop singing that?

mario man4: What? You don't like?

ravenwarrior: It makes me want to commit crimes against humanity.

Xim: Yeah, stupid humanity. So ripe for the plucking.

mario man4: What?

Xim: So trusting. So weak..

Groovilicious: Xim..?

Xim: Hmm?

DocProc: What are you talking--

Xim: Ooh! We're here, we're here!

Snide ending remark. Allude to how the readers will have to wait to see what kind of place the hunters have come to.
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Medea | Posted: 3/3/2005 2:31:40 PM | Message Detail
Oh no! The anticipation!

---
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- Hunter S. Thompson (1939-2005)
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 3/3/2005 3:43:00 PM | Message Detail
Humanity makes baby's in potato sacks being beaten to death by another potato sack full of babies cry.
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
From: heatwizard | Posted: 3/9/2005 5:22:44 PM | Message Detail
you read Nuklear Age at some point, didnt you xim
---
You will be assimilated. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. go to board 923780
officially board hunting now.
From: warutrid | Posted: 3/10/2005 3:58:34 AM | Message Detail
I do see some similarities...
---
\/\//-\** Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things. **|Z|_|
¯|¯|Z** Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. **][ |)
From: brindle mastiff | Posted: 3/14/2005 12:07:11 AM | Message Detail
between Xim and Black Mage perhaps. . .
---
To be is to be perceived.
You'll rue the day your crossed me, Trebek!
From: warutrid | Posted: 3/19/2005 1:22:27 AM | Message Detail
And between me and a certain martial artist. Luckily though, I'm a main character, and therefor exempt from death. A la Bob and George.
---
\/\//-\** Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things. **|Z|_|
¯|¯|Z** Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. **][ |)
From: Xim | Posted: 3/19/2005 8:31:25 AM | Message Detail
Yeah, just like Black Belt.

I might just update today.
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 3/19/2005 8:43:54 PM | Message Detail
[This message was deleted at the request of the original poster]
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 3/19/2005 8:45:13 PM | Message Detail
(Wait a minute, that wasn't posted to long ago...)

Ignore the previous post. No secret mod-only info there!
>_>
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
From: The Enthusiast | Posted: 3/22/2005 11:04:12 PM | Message Detail
Eh..
---
The Enthusiast (loel) -Board: 26500 - VIP
From: slobr | Posted: 3/23/2005 6:28:48 AM | Message Detail
Eh? Wow, forget Xim's story, this guy's good!
---
õ¿Ô - All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited cat turds.
¯¯¯ - §£øß®
From: LCC | Posted: 3/23/2005 8:57:54 AM | Message Detail
Eh..

Woah! Lot's of plot twists and suspense! I need to hear more of this! Do go on!
---
|."."|¯¯.|¯¯
|__.|__.|__ Don't believe everything you smell.
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 3/24/2005 8:19:07 PM | Message Detail
Go on about the steaming PILE of action that will come in my next update? SURE!
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 3/24/2005 10:42:51 PM | Message Detail
*gives up*
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
From: heatwizard | Posted: 3/25/2005 11:57:38 AM | Message Detail
no, not the webcomic, the book, xim uses many quotes from nuklear man, and theres a few sidekick quotes in there
---
All your buisness are belong to us. You will be assimilated. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
officially board hunting now.
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 7:46:18 PM | Message Detail
Yeah, you're right. There were some jokes in there I couldn't pass up that I had to share with you guys. But there's also 8-Bit Theater quotes too. I was gonna reveal all this later in the story, and advertise Brian's book (which kicks ass by the way), but now I'll never get a chance. Oh, well. I'm done quoting the book, so I guess it doesn't matter. Before I read this, I was actually just about to post the installment that has Atomik Lad accosting the hunters, but it looks like I have to change around a few things in this next update. No way am I bitter you just ruined the whole build up of the last few installments.

*mumbles incoherent insults about heatwizard's mother and a goat without making any particular connection between the two*
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:18:54 PM | Message Detail
[This message was deleted at the request of the original poster]
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:19:01 PM | Message Detail
[This message was deleted at the request of the original poster]
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:19:55 PM | Message Detail
[This message was deleted at the request of the original poster]
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:20:03 PM | Message Detail
[This message was deleted at the request of the original poster]
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:25:27 PM | Message Detail
I really need to check these things for typing errors before I post them. That lightning joke makes no sense now.

Not that most of these jokes make sense.
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:34:52 PM | Message Detail
Yeah, okay, this is terrible. I think I'll just re-post this..
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:38:13 PM | Message Detail
And now, a story that needs no introduction, please put your hands together for.

ravenwarrior: Wow, check that place out!

*ahead in the distance, they could see a menacing, stern tower of stone set against the cerulean skies, reaching high into the heavens and fading into obscurity among the clouds, as if proclaiming its superiority to all things*

*stupid tower, think you’re better than me, huh?*

Groovilicious: Then this is Svengarlic's place, Icarus?

Icarus Ascending: Yes, I believe so. The old man always spoke of living in some sort of castle. I thought he was just batty.

ravenwarrior: Hmm.. ah!
*motions towards the West*
There's a huge lake over there! Perhaps that's Swimmer Lake. If so, that means this is the Tower Of Doom!

Xim: Yes, but how do we know for sure? I don't want to have to go through the trouble of breaking into this place just to discover the other, one-of-a-kind, real Tower Of Doom is just a couple of blocks down the road.

ravenwarrior: We're not "breaking in". We'll just calmly knock on the door and politely ask the old guy if we can beat him up for our personal gain and amusement.

Xim: Good point. Besides, I can break into people's houses on my own time.

*the hunters approach the great metal doors in front of the citadel, part of a huge encircling stone wall laced with barbed wire and vanilla frosting that would ensure to keep out any potential intruders out by means of difficult entry or delicious indulgence*

*trying to open the door, mario man4 reports the obvious*

mario man4: My sources from the good folks over at Obvious Inc indicate the door is locked.

Groovilicious: I can't pick locks.. can you, slobr?

slobr: Why, yes indeed! However, I seem to have conveniently forgotten how to do so and all details wherein lock-picking is involved.

warutrid: Drats! Curse our incompetence in most things!

Xim: Hmph. Step aside, kiddies. Let an expert show you how to open a locked door!

dwimmerlaik: Where are we going to find an expert?

*20 minutes later*

Xim: It's not fair! It's not FAIR!
*pounds his fists and kicks his feet on the ground*

mario man4: Is he always like this?

Groovilicious: Don't mind him. He hasn't had his juice yet.

Icarus Ascending: Dammit Xim, why can't you do anything right?
*steps forward and easily picks the lock*

DocProc: Wow! It's great to have someone handy like you with us, Icarus!
Oh, um, not that there's anything wrong with you, Xim.

Xim: Lousy Icarus..

*the group walks past Xim and into the courtyard*

Xim: Why didn't he mention he could pick locks earlier?! It's almost as if he wanted to reveal me as the fool I clearly.... oh.. he's good.
*follows, plotting revenge and perhaps lunch*

*entering the courtyard, the hunters stop to admire the lovely patio furniture*

warutrid: Indeed, quite elegant.

Groovilicious: Enchanting.

slobr: Enrapturing.

dwimmerlaik: Embalming.

Intercom: I see you admire my patio furniture.

Xim: Oh my, yes. Tell me, did you paint the gazeebo yourself or--
Ahhhhhhh!

Intercom: State your names, tresspassers! Who dares enter my, the great LCC's, fortress?!

mario man4: LCC? I thought someone named Svengarlic lived here.

LCC: Well um, yes. The master is currently away on business, but I was asked to watch over the place while he is away. It gets kind of boring and lonely up here so I like to try on the master's robes and pretend I own the place and--
Er, that is.. state your business or face the wrath of the great sorcerer's apprentice, LCC!
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:38:31 PM | Message Detail
Xim: What?! You're just an apprentice?! Hehe, listen kid, we have business with your master. Run along and fetch him, would you?

*from somewhere near the vicinity of the upper stratosphere, a blaring fireball comes screaming towards the earth, hammering Xim into the ground*

LCC: It's not wise to insult a sorcerer.

Xim: Point taken.
*coughs up a puff of smoke and brushes back his scorched bangs*

LCC: Anyone else have something to add?

Groovilicious: Listen, we need to speak to the master of the tower. Could you just tell us where he is so we may be on our way?

LCC: Um, well, since Lord Svengarlic isn't here right now, I guess that makes me the master.

Xim: *pulls himself out of the ground*
Oh yeah? Get down here so I can kick your ass!

LCC: You want me to try lightning next?

Xim: Er..

ravenwarrior: Look, we have come to confront the master of this Tower. Since you're currently it, please accept our challenge like a true master would. Surely a true sorcerer would not fear a face-to-face confrontation?

LCC: Hmm.. You make a good case.

dwimmerlaik: I'll say.
*throws back a few of rav's home-brewed beers*

Icarus Ascending: So you'll come down and fight us then?

LCC: I have a better idea. Why don't the lot of you come up here instead?

DocProc: *gazes up to the top of the tower and falls over backwards from the height*
I can think of a few good reasons.

LCC: Well, forget it then.

mario man4: Oh, come on! Why can't you come down here?

LCC: Because, by climbing the tower, I can see if fighting you is even worth my time. There are many dangers in these hallowed halls to test your worth, many obstacles and trials to overcome.

slobr: That's not exactly a way to encourage someone.

LCC: Hey, you challenged me, right? If you can't do it, then--

Xim: Fine, fine, we accept.

LCC: Very well..

*the hunters watch on as the huge iron doors to the tower slowly begin to open with all the mechanical grindings and high-tech tones one might expect from a game of Pac-Man*

LCC: Welcome.. to the Tower Of Doom!
*stifles a maniacal laugh, 'cause they look pretty stupid if you type them out*

*the hunters reluctantly enter the darkened tower as doors slam shut behind them in a cliche manner*

dwimmerlaik: I can't see a damn thing!
*makes a wild swing at warutrid, needlessly throwing the others into a commotion*

ravenwarrior: Hey, get off my foot, mario!

slobr: I'm not mario, I'm slobr!

mario man4: Yeah, I'm the one kicking you in the shins!

DocProc: Those are my shins!

Groovilcious: Ah! Someone's grabbing my butt!

Xim: Oh, sorry Groovi. I was looking for my, um, car keys.

*suddenly the room is lit by dozens of electric torches on the walls*

*Icarus stands in the center of the room with his arms crossed staring at the ceiling while the others lie in a tangled heap of limbs behind him*
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:39:18 PM | Message Detail
warutrid: Get that foot outta my face, slobr!

slobr: Move it yourself!

warutrid: Oh yeah?
*chomps hard on the foot*
OWWW! That's MY foot! How did that get up there?

Icarus Ascending: So what now, LCC?

*the hunters compose themselves to listen to LCC's explanation*

*somehow Xim had managed to switch shirts with Groovi, slobr was now the proud owner of a giant Christmas Ham, and the Map.. well.. dwimmerlaik still had the Map, but damned if warutrid didn't try*

LCC: Right then. If you look around yourselves, you will notice there are three doors, all of which lead to the top floor where I await your arrival.

Xim: Ah, I see. Well, guys, let's split up and--

warutrid: Hold it! LCC, you just said all the passages lead to the top floor, right?

LCC: Eventually, yes.

warutrid: So wouldn't it make sense for all of us to combine our efforts and attempt one path together?

*after considering this for a moment, everyone but Xim, brainwashed by too many console-style RPG's, nodded in agreement*

Xim: But, but! The party system only allows for three people in each group!

Groovilicious: But Xim, if we--

Xim: No!
*crosses his arms defiantly, tears welling up in his eyes*

ravenwarrior: Look, if it'll save us another Xim tantrum, let's just split up into groups of three.

Xim: Yay!

DocProc: But who'll go with who?

Xim: Ah, I know! I saw this method in a movie once. Here, take these.
*hands the others several remote controls with a single red button in the center of each*

mario man4: What are these?

*Xim reaches into wherever the hell he keeps that giant Christmas Ham and produces several large objects*

Xim: See, all we have to do is push these buttons simultaneously. That way, the predetermined beta code on each of the remotes' computer chips will cause a corresponding number on this toteboard here to light up. Then all we have to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers. Finally, simply cross-reference each of our heart rates and current moods to see who is in which group!

ravenwarrior: Or we could just draw names from a hat.

Xim: Spoiled sport.

*dwimmerlaik removes his top hat, which he has been wearing this entire story but you just didn't know about due to my horrible descriptions, and each of the hunters drops in a slip of paper with their names*

DocProc: Alright, I'll pick two.
*reaches into the top hat*
Hmm.. looks like I'm with.. oh no.. mario and Xim.

mario man4: *throws his arm around Proc's back*
Heh, we'll make it up there before any of these suckers, right Proc?

DocProc: You're not going to put ketchup under your arms again, are you?

ravenwarrior: I'll go next.
*reaches into the hat*
Hmm.. warutrid and.. "warutrid doesn't have the Map"?

dwimmerlaik: Oh, that's me.

warutrid: Grr.

*ravenwarrior and DocProc shoot each other sympathetic looks*

slobr: Guess I'm next.
*reaches into the top hat*
Hmm.. hey, cool, I'm with slobr! I've always admired that guy.

Groovilicious: You drew your own name.

Xim: Ah ha! I knew my method was superior!

ravenwarrior: Easily fixed. The only three left are slobr, Groovi, and Icarus, so there ya go.

Xim: Hardly a method at all, methinks.

LCC: ..What have I gotten myself into?

*the hunters wave goodbye and each group enters a separate passage*
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: Xim | Posted: 4/1/2005 8:39:57 PM | Message Detail
~Scenario 1~

Xim: Ooh, spiffy.

I thought the bold font would be a nice touch.

*Xim, mario man4, and DocProc walk down a torch-lit stone passage for what seems like minutes until they reach an elevator*

mario man4: Yeah! I knew we would be the first to reach the top!

Xim: It seems like an awful lot of fuss we went through back there for just a straight shot to the top floor.

DocProc: Wait, couldn't this be some sort of trap?

Xim: What would a paranoid fellow like Svengarlic need traps for?

DocProc: I see your point.

*the three whimsically enter the elevator and press the door close button because they're impatient ****s that never let the door stay open for others that might want to get in, how I hate them*

*suddenly, a blaring intercom fills the interior of the elevator with the voice of LCC*

LCC: Haha! Fools! Welcome to the Elevator Of Doom!

mario man4: You're not very creative with these names, Xim.

*the elevator begins to plummet at an alarming rate*

*Xim casually pushes the "Up" button while DocProc and mario man4 scream and run around clawing at the walls*

Xim: Hey, LCC. I think this thing is broken.
*continues to push the button*

*the elevator slows its descent and comes to a stop*

mario man4: Huh?

*the doors slide open*

DocProc: Elevator Of Doom was a pretty misleading name..

*the three step out into a small room lit by a single torch*

DocProc: *looks around*
Uh.. there's nothing here..

Xim: LCC, this isn't right. We wanted to go up, remember? The challenge and all that?

LCC: Fools!

*the elevator doors suddenly slam shut and the elevator rises again*

DocProc: Oh no! Wait, come back!

LCC: Ha ha! Killing the three of you by dropping you into a bottomless pit wouldn't be entertaining at all! Have fun slowly starving to death in the depths of the Tower Of Doom!

mario man4: Do you have an intercom in every room or something?

LCC: Ha ha! There is no escape!

Xim: Well, Procers. Been good knowing you, man. Tell mario I'm gonna miss him.

mario man4: I'm right here, Xim.

Xim: Oh. Tell Proc I said goodbye.

DocProc: You know, it's times like these, when I'm about to die a gruesome death at the hands of some sorcerous psychopath hell-bent on killing people for no apparent reason, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.

Xim: Why, what did she tell you?

DocProc: I don't know, I didn't listen.

mario man4: There must be some way out of here!

Xim: Nope. I wish that were the case, but I'm afraid all we can do is sit here and wait for our inevitable doom.

DocProc: ..OR, you know, we could try to find a way out.

Xim: Oh, Proc. How naive you are. Didn't you hear LCC? "There is no escape!". Wow, you really don't listen very well.

mario man4: Dammit! I don't want it to all end like this!
*hits the wall in frustration*
Hey! This wall is kind of hollow. Maybe if I just..
*kicks the wall*

*the wall gives way to reveal a dimly-lit room*

DocProc: Excellent! Let's get out of here!
*steps forward into the new room*

Xim: It's like I always say. "A true hunter never gives up."

Ah, this seems like a horribly inconvenient place to stop. Check back next time for another groin-grabbingly good installment of QFTLSB!
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: LCC | Posted: 4/1/2005 11:23:08 PM | Message Detail
Maybe it's just the fact that i'm in the story now that's talking, but this seems like the best installment yet. Probably due to my perfect acting skills and the 15 years experience as a sorcerers apprentice.

I like the part where slobr draws his own name, I do, I do.
---
|."."|¯¯.|¯¯
|__.|__.|__ Don't believe everything you smell.
From: Medea | Posted: 4/2/2005 11:02:40 AM | Message Detail
LCC is scary...

---
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- Hunter S. Thompson (1939-2005)
From: LCC | Posted: 4/3/2005 4:19:16 PM | Message Detail
I'm not scary, i'm just scary...esque......alator. Yes, i'm a scary escalator of DOOOOOOOM!!
---
|."."|¯¯.|¯¯
|__.|__.|__ Don't believe everything you smell.
From: Xim | Posted: 4/4/2005 4:25:12 PM | Message Detail
You stole my idea!
---
...(¯\/¯)(¯) (¯)_(¯) ...R.I.P. Scum
...(_/\_)(_)(_/\_/\_)...4/18/2001 - 5/26/2003
From: LCC | Posted: 4/4/2005 4:47:42 PM | Message Detail
Yes I did!
---
|."."|¯¯.|¯¯
|__.|__.|__ Don't believe everything you smell.
From: heatwizard | Posted: 4/5/2005 8:01:47 PM | Message Detail
sorry for giving away the nuklear refrences. 8-( i would of kept my mouth shut if i knew it was going to go farther...
---
All your buisness are belong to us. You will be assimilated. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
From: warutrid | Posted: 4/6/2005 12:37:06 AM | Message Detail
It's alright, we just can't use that scene now. Just make sure you don't give away the part where I DON'T get the map from Dwimmy. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
---
\/\//-\** Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things. **|Z|_|
¯|¯|Z** Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. **][ |)
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 4/6/2005 4:38:02 PM | Message Detail
[This message was deleted at the request of the original poster]
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 4/6/2005 4:38:34 PM | Message Detail
If I had to kill everyone to get the map, or just find the map, I would light a fire first.
---
Now that the new $20 is in, please send all of your worthless old $20's to me.
Machine Gun specialist of the SOMUNIST AC team ~ Moonside
From: Luster Soldier | Posted: 4/8/2005 4:51:16 PM | Message Detail
I have found one of the 7 secret boards. 6 more left. This seems like it will be too easy.
---
Fear the Eliteness. 262 days until Icon.
Current number of accounts: 260
From: BUGWEY | Posted: 4/9/2005 11:46:18 AM | Message Detail
Not to be rude, but are you spying on Soviet's again?
---
BUGWEY!
From: Zoop | Posted: 4/11/2005 5:17:14 PM | Message Detail
Just to be rude.
---
That's Galactic Dancin'!
From: BUGWEY | Posted: 4/23/2005 12:56:48 PM | Message Detail
And now, for a BUGWEY installment of QFTLSB!

And it's okay, heatwizard. Looking back I probably should just shut my mouth and posted the installment anyway.

Er.. what? No, I'm BUGWEY, not Xim!
---
BUGWEY!
From: BUGWEY | Posted: 4/23/2005 12:57:11 PM | Message Detail
Group one, consisting of the ever-competent Xim, mario man4 and DocProc, have just escaped the Elevator Of Doom. The three now enter a new room, curious as to what new challenges lie in wait..

mario man4: Wow, check this place out!

Xim: Cool! I've never seen anything so amazing in my life!

DocProc: Forget the Lost Secret Board, this is the most awe-inspiring sight on all GameFAQs!

~Scenario 2~

*ravenwarrior, warutrid and dwimmerlaik shuffle their way down a stone passage until coming face to face with an innocent looking elevator*

warutrid: Obviously a trap.

dwimmerlaik: Only a bunch of morons would fall for this.

ravenwarrior: Right, let's look for another way up.

*after scanning the hall, warutrid discovers the giant, door-size painting of a door is actually not a painting at all*

warutrid: This was colored with crayons!

ravenwarrior: Not only that, but the one next to is a real door!

*they enter the door and are greeted by the voice of satan himself*

LCC: Congratulations! You have passed the first trial!

ravenwarrior: So what now? This place looks like a dead end too.

LCC: Oh, there's a way up. But I need a little, shall we say, compensation first.

dwimmerlaik: Why does it always come to this?
*begins unzipping his pants*

LCC: Ugh, stop that! I meant money!

dwimmerlaik: Oh.
*continues removing pants*

warutrid: How much?

LCC: Fifty dollars. Just slide it in the compartment there next to you. It'll be directly transported to me.

ravenwarrior: Fifty bucks?! What are you smoking?

dwimmerlaik: And how can I partake?

LCC: Look, that's the policy. Do you wanna get up here or not?

ravenwarrior: Fine, fine. Fifty bucks, huh?
*glances at war*

warutrid: *avoids eye contact*

ravenwarrior: Shoot the money to me, honey.

warutrid: *fidgets*
I don't wanna play..

ravenwarrior: Come on, warutrid. We'll probably get more than enough Treasure to cover any expenses once we find the Lost Board.

warutrid: Well, okay.
*hands over fifty dollars*

ravenwarrior: Heh, sucker.

warutrid: What?

ravenwarrior: Never you mind. Okay, here's your money.
*puts the cash in the slot*

LCC: Excellent. You may proceed to trial number three.

*a hidden passage on the opposite side of the room opens*

*the three exit and emerge in a plain room that bears much resemblance to a 1950's sitcom kitchen*

*a steaming hot, fresh apple pie sits in the middle of the room on a table next to a sign that clearly states "Not poisonous."*

warutrid: *walks forward and pokes the pie with a fork*
Is it.. poisoned?

dwimmerlaik: Didn't you read the sign?

*ravenwarrior stares dreamily at the pie, feeling there is something wrong with this picture, but dismisses the nagging "common sense" in favor of the promise of sweet, pie goodness*

*each hunter grabs a plate and takes a piece of the pie*

ravenwarrior: Wow, this tastes great!

dwimmerlaik: Yeah, I bet that poison really spices up the flavor!

*the hunters fall to the ground and lie motionless*
---
BUGWEY!
From: BUGWEY | Posted: 4/23/2005 1:00:43 PM | Message Detail
~Scenario 3~

*Groovilicious, slobr and Icarus Ascending emerge into a room with an indoor pond and many lovely flowers dwimmerlaik would probably describe as "lunch"*

LCC: Welcome to the Garden Of Doo-- er, the garden.

Groovilicious: Wow, this place is beautiful!

slobr: Yeah, yeah. There had better be an elevator in here. I don't want to have to climb any stairs.

LCC: Elevator? Stairs?! Quit making up words! You'll scale the Tower wall to the open window, you will.

Groovilicious: *glances skyward*
But that thing has to be at least 15 floors up!

Icarus Ascending: Why didn't you at least install some stairs?

LCC: Now, now. Don’t be unreasonable.

Groovilicous; But, but..! You're the one who..!

LCC: There are plenty of footholds.

*grumbling, the hunters prepare to begin their ascent*

Groovilicious: Okay, slobr. You go first.

*..was not the right thing to say*

*about twelve floors from the ground, slobr stops climbing*

Groovilicious: *panting*
Hey, keep moving, slobr!

slobr: I can't! Every time I look down, I get dizzy!

Icarus Ascending: Then don't look down!

slobr: I can't help it, I belong down there!

Groovilicous: *sigh*
I think I heard LCC say there was some vinegar up there.

*before Groovi finished her previous sentence, slobr had already scrambled up and through the open window*

slobr: *pokes his head out the window*
Hey, hurry up you two!

*Icarus and Groovi make their way up and find themselves in a room with an ascending spiral staircase made of stone*

Icarus Ascending: Guess we go up.
*begins climbing*

*Groovilicious starts to follow when..*

slobr: *grabs Groovi's arm*
Wait, Groovi.

Groovilicious: Why are you whispering? What is it, slobr?

slobr: Icarus.
*glances over in his direction*
I've been watching him since he joined us. I.. I don't trust him, Groovi.

Groovilicious: What? Why?

slobr: Remember when I told you about the time he tried to kill Xim?

Groovilicious: Well, yeah, but if Xim says he's okay, then--

slobr: *waves aside the comment*
He's using us, Groovi. I'm telling you, he's up to something. When we reach the Lost Board, he'll try something to kill all of us, I know it.

Groovilcious: People change. Do you even know what Xim used to be like?

slobr: Icarus is different! I know it sounds far-fetched, but I can't help but feel he's gonna do something to ruin everything. Call it what you will. A hunch.. woman's intuition..

Groovilicious: If anyone will blow this for us, it'll be Xim. I'm not sure how that guy even brushes his teeth in the morning without leveling a few towns.

slobr: Hey, just remember what I said, okay?

Groovilicious; I.. guess so.

Icarus Ascending: *looks down*
What are two yammering about? Come on, we can't let the others beat us to the top!

slobr and Groovi: Coming!

~Scenario 1~

Xim: Fascinating, simply stunning!

*the trio stand before a boxing ring of sorts, with several rows of seats positioned around it for any spectators*

mario man4: It's more impressive than it sounds.

LCC: Well, looks like you bufoons managed to escape the Elevator Of Doom.

Xim: More like, your face escaped the Elevator Of Doom!

DocProc: Swing and a miss.

LCC: Now you must face.. the Ring Of Doom!

Xim: *has been facing said Ring for about three minutes*
Mission accomplished!

LCC: What? No, I mean you have to fight in it!

DocProc: What do you mean? I don't see anyone around to fight..

LCC: Hey, I'm a sorcerer, remember? I'll conjure up a foe for you, but first, I have to lay out the ground rules. One, anything goes. Fight as dirty as you want. Two, no hitting below the belt.
From: BUGWEY | Posted: 4/23/2005 1:01:04 PM | Message Detail
mario man4: Um..

LCC: Three, no weapons. This is a boxing match, not a club-people-with-oversized-ham-fest.

Xim: *snaps fingers*

LCC: And four, only one of you fights. If he loses, ALL of you have to stay down there and rot.

Xim: *gulp*

LCC: That's basically it. Now, who will fight?

Xim: Er.. who are we fighting again?

LCC: I told you! I'll magic up a prize fighter as soon as you step into the ring!

DocProc: Well I'm not fighting.

Xim: Me neither. Suddenly I feel a little stage-fright. You'll have to fight, mario.

mario man4: Me?! But I've never boxed before!

DocProc: Then you're the obvious choice.

mario man4: But.. what?! That doesn't--

Xim: Hey, we got a volunteer, LCC!
*grabs mario by the collar and chucks him into the ring*

LCC: Excellent. Now, about that prize fighter..

mario man4: Eep.

*there's a flash of light and a purple poof of smoke appears, an unseen sterio system starts to play Eye Of The Tiger by Survivor*

Xim: Funky.

*when the smoke and music disperses, mario stands face to face with..*

mario man4: Buh?

*..nothing*

mario man4: *looks down*
What the..?

*a very small green creature sporting boxing gloves twice its size stares back at mario*

LCC: Er.. Master Svengarlic always said I needed work on my conjuration technique..

DocProc: What is that little dude?

Xim: It's a goblin. I've seen 'em before in the forest of Commodore 64. They're more annoying than deadly though, and I can't imagine they make great boxers.

LCC: We'll see about that! Mock my skills will you?!

mario man4: *crouches down*
But it's so small and fragile. I can't just beat it up..

Goblin: Oog ah cha!

LCC: Fight!

Goblin: Graar meear!

*the goblin leaps at mario leg and begins gnawing on it*

mario man4: Ow, you little bastard, get offa me!
*grabs the goblin with one hand and throws it at the wall*

*the goblin slides down the wall making a squeaky sound as it descends, eventually landing in a heap on the floor*

Everyone: ....

Xim: Um..

LCC: Okay, fine! You win!

mario man4: *jumps out of the ring*
Heh, no sweat.

Xim: Ah! Your leg!
*points at mario's leg*

mario man4: Oh yeah. He bit me. It's just a scratch.

DocProc: LCC! This man needs to lie down! Conjure up a bed for him!

LCC: What, but..

Xim: Hurry, before he collapses!

mario man4: But I feel fine.

DocProc: Now!

LCC: Er.. okay.

*a bed appears*

Xim: *shoves mario onto it*
Hold on, man! We'll save you!
*turns to Proc*
This is horrible..! Will he live, Doctor?!

mario man4: *sits up*
Uh, guys? It's just a skinned knee..

DocProc: *slams mario's head back down on the pillow*
I'm afraid it doesn't look good, Mr. Vicious. At this point, it's up to his strength, there's nothing more I can do. We'll just have to pray he'll pull through.

mario man4: But I--

Xim: *stuffs a pillow in mario's face*
Oh, gosh, I don't want to lose a good friend!

mario man4: *flails his arms wildly*
Mmmmmf..!

Xim: Tell me straight out, Proc, what are his chances?

DocProc: Well, given his physical condition and horrible fashion sense, not good.

Xim: Oh no!

DocProc: There's a 50/50 chance he'll pull through. But.. there's only a 10% chance of that.

Xim: Oh, I.... I.. see.

mario man4: *throws the pillow off his face*
Dammit, I'm fine, Proc!

DocProc: No you're not! I have seven PHDs, and I say you're going to die!

mario man4: I don't care how many PHDs you stole!

LCC: Uh..
---
BUGWEY!
From: BUGWEY | Posted: 4/23/2005 1:01:57 PM | Message Detail
~Scenario 2~

warutrid: Uhhn..
*sits up*
Is everybody okay?

dwimmerlaik: Pleh. I think so. I didn't realize what was happening until I ate the pie. I think there was some ketchup in it on top of the poison.

ravenwarrior: Yuck, I hate ketchup!

LCC: Well, well, looks like you three managed to survive.

ravenwarrior: *stands*
So now what?

LCC: You progress to the next room.

*a bookcase on the wall slides over to reveal a stone archway leading to another room*

*the three head into the new room and are greeted by good ol' Wally*

warutrid: What? There's just a wall in here! What are we supposed to do?

LCC:: You must now face.. the hideous, deadly..

ravenwarrior: *moves his hand to the hilt of his sword in preparation*

LCC: Wall Ball Challenge Of Doom! Mwahahahahaa!

ravenwarrior: What?!

*the group is provided with a red rubber ball and a wall against which to throw it*

*several minutes later, after tossing the ball at the wall and catching it again many times*

ravenwarrior: Well, this is boring.

warutrid: But ever so challenging.

dwimmerlaik: You never know what that crazy wall will do next!

LCC: Okay, fine, fine. You win. You may each claim your own individual prizes. You can either choose to progress to the next floor, OR, you can have what's inside the secret, spectacular, sexy ~Mystery Box~!

ravenwarrior, warutrid, dwimmerlaik: Ooooh!

ravenwarrior: Well, yeah. I'll just go to the next floor.

warutrid: Me too. That's what we're here for, right?

dwimmerlaik: I'll take the mystery box!

ravenwarrior: Er.. you sure, dwim? It might be a trap. You're taking an awfully big chance.

dwimmerlaik: Yeah, I know. But you have to take chances in life sometimes. After all, you take chances everyday by getting out of bed, crossing the street, or sticking your face in the blender.

*a huge cardboard box complete with question mark wrapping paper appears in the middle of the room*

dwimmerlaik: Hah, yeah! Have fun on the next floor, suckers!

warutrid: Wait, I changed my mind, I want the mystery box, too!

LCC: Er.. but I only have the one.

dwimmerlaik: I suppose the only way to settle this is a fight to the death.

warutrid: No way! You get to hold the Map, so I get the box!

dwimmerlaik: Oh, right, the Map! What do I need this stupid box for when I have the Map?!
*takes it out and kisses it*
Thanks for reminding me, war.

warutrid: ..I think I just made myself sad.

ravenwarrior: Are you gonna open it or not? I wanna see what's inside.

warutrid: Right.
---
BUGWEY!
From: BUGWEY | Posted: 4/23/2005 1:02:06 PM | Message Detail
*warutrid begins opening the mystery box with all the grace of a very clumsy elephant.. made of razor blades*

*as the various scraps of what was once a proud box of cardboard are cleared away, all eyes look on as the prize is revealed*

warutrid: Hmm..? What is this? A marble?
*pokes it*
Uh.. AHHHHHHH!!

*warutrid is sucked into the black marble*

ravenwarrior: Whoa!! Hey, what the hell just happened, LCC?!

LCC: That was a teleportation orb. Your friend is now somewhere in this Tower. Even I don't know where for sure.

*ravenwarrior glances nervously at dwimmerlaik, dwimmerlaiks stares dreamily at the Map*

*warutrid awakes in a dark room*

warutrid: Uhhn.. what happened..?
*suddenly alert to a steady dripping sound, shakily stands up*
Hey guys! Where are you?!

echo: Where are you?!

warutrid: (Ooh, an echo!)
Hehehe.. I'm here, where are you?

echo: I'm here, where are you?

warutrid: Hehe.. I asked you first, where are you?

echo: None of your business.

warutrid: Heh, I.. AAAHHH!
*turns to run and crashes right into someone standing at the top of a staircase*

Figure: Ow, watch it!

warutrid: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Don't kill me!

Figure: Why would I kill you..? Hey.. warutrid?!

warutrid: Icarus?!

~Scenario 3~

Icarus Ascending: Is that really necessary?

Yes, it is.

slobr: What's up? Who's up there, Icarus?

Icarus Ascending: It's war!

Groovilicious: *reaches the top of the staircase*
What's he doing here? Where's rav and dwimmy?

warutrid: I have no idea. I must have been drinking again..
Well, don't worry! This must be fate! I'm here to help you guys reach the top of the Tower!

*there is an uneasy silence as the other three avoid eye contact*

warutrid: Too stunned to jump for joy, eh? I know, I know, I'm just too good.

*Groovilicious, Icarus and slobr's shoulders sag simultaneously*

What will happen next? Find out next time on QFTLSB!

..Oops! I forgot to make a joke!
---
BUGWEY!
From: BUGWEY | Posted: 4/23/2005 1:30:16 PM | Message Detail
Oops, made a typo. raven actually LOVES ketchup, that he'll beat the crap out of Xim for his mistake.

Till next time...
---
BUGWEY!
From: ravenwarrior | Posted: 4/30/2005 8:57:17 PM | Message Detail
[This message was deleted at the request of the original poster]
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