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Naughtiness ahoy!



Chapter Sixteen: Mr. Crazypants



"Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear."-Willow

"This is so many different species of gross that I'm not sure if ever going to eat, sleep, or watch TV ever again." I commented idly and I dragged the oozing carcass of an alien by its leg towards the wall of corpses we were erecting between the bad guys' ship and our surviving few RV's that made up our field hospital. Every once and a while a shot of blue energy hit the ground nearby. The futile warning shots had ceased to make me jump several hours earlier.

"True, the extensive ew-factor of this totally cancels out any previous ew we experienced in High School." Jonathan agreed with me as he helped me, gripping the other leg. With all the armor the aliens were a lot heavier than they would be naturally. I had been surprised to see Jonathan in the ranks of those who had fought, but hey! Short help is still help, no? Plus, Jonathan seemed to take my apparent gender-bending in stride.

"Pity these buggers taste like radioactive flowers. All that blood goin' to waste." Spike commented idly as he took the corpse from us when we reached him. He took hold of the two legs and slung the body up on top of the pile he was building using his vampiric strength to toss bodies around like bean bags. I wiped my hands on my already slime/blood covered jeans and shrugged. Another human team brought another corpse for Spike to fling upward.

"Shouldn't we be using all these bodies for something besides a wall? I keep getting the urge to strap on their armor and paint my face in their blood. It just seems like a properly warlike thing to do." Spike cocked his scarred eyebrow and gave me a heated look. <Okay, Spikey likes the bloodthirsty side of the Xan-man.> I filed that thought away for future reference. Jonathan wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"Wouldn't that give you acne or something?" I snorted and clapped my hands together.

"Break time!" I announced. "Time to go find out just what our illustrious leaders have planned for us." I marched off toward the campfire where Angel, Giles, Wesley, and Gunn all stood speaking quietly. "What's going on?" I asked them ask they looked up at me.

"We are attempting to plot out a course of action that will not result in our deaths." Wesley informed me, using his 'I'm a snooty Brit' voice. I nodded and stood with my hands on my hips, feeling Spike just behind me to my left and Jonathan to my right.

"We're getting out of here, right? Cause I don't wanna be here when they drop more ships on us. Or when the sun starts to cook our battlefield out there." I gestured toward where we all knew a field full of both sides' dead lie. I got distasteful looks from Giles and Wesley, but Gunn and Angel just nodded.

"We may have no choice but to stay here for now." Wesley said, scowling. "We haven't the means to transport more than twenty. They focused their attacks on our transports. We have sent men south to Big Pine. Its about half an hour away. They will try to attain transportation.

"Um. I remember when we drove through there." Jonathan spoke up, his voice a little squeaky. "Everyone was gone. They aren't going to find much." He told us timidly. I winced along with him when Wesley snapped irritably at him. He was a geek in school like me, it'd been brave of him to speak up.

"We know that, but there's nothing we can do about this now!" He snarled. I stepped forward, slightly in front of Jonathan, feeling protective.

"Chill out, Wes-man, he's not an alien." I said in a soothing tone, then shot and suspicious look at Jonathan. "You aren't, are you?" I stage whispered. He shook his head emphatically. I turned back to Wesley. "See, all human-er...relatively human, here." Angel put a hand on Wes's shoulder and the ex-watcher visibly relaxed.

"Hate to interrupt your little group therapy session here, luv, but shouldn't we be doin' somethin' to make smaller targets while we wait?" Spike said, stepping forward into the firelight. And there goes Xander's brain into a puddle of mush. I stared at him. Even rumpled and bloodstained, he was beautiful. <Okay, Xan-man, this is getting ridiculous!> I growled at myself. I wasn't going to last very long if I was reduced to staring every time my roommate stepped out of the shadows. I stared pointedly at Giles' shoes. Giles' nice safe, sooooo not sexy shoes. He was wearing nikes. Huh.

"As much as it pains me to admit it, Spike has a point." The owner of the nikes said, making me stare at him. <Well of course Spike has a point! Erk.> I dissolved into slightly hysterical giggles that only happen when you've been running on pure adrenaline for the previous eight hours of your existence. I received strained looks from everyone except Spike. He just moved closer to me and slid an arm around my waist, which was quite of the good since I felt my legs trying to give out on me and I giggled helplessly. After I'd managed to quiet myself somewhat, leaning against my pet vamp, the conversation continued.

"We need to make smaller targets of ourselves. That means scattering. If we remain in one large group running will be as pointless as staying put." Giles told us.

"What about a spell? Something to cloak us from the air?" Angel suggested. I almost started giggling again, seeing entirely unfunny Romulan Warbird in my head. I guess my brain was fritzing on the actual connecting part of my thoughts. Wesley shook his head, sighing.

"Won't be possible until our magic users have regained their energies. Rupert here is the only one of them that's conscious right now. That last spell took everything we had." I took another look at Giles, noting the deep circles under his eyes and the way his hands were shaking unsteadily. He looked far better than my Wills, though. I'd seen her earlier, just after the battle. As the focus of the spell, she'd had the energies of dozens of people pushed through her as well as her own considerable power. She'd looked like a truck had hit her. She had been lying unconscious amongst the other magic-users who had sprawled out, drained, like accident victims.

"So we scatter." Gunn said, finally piping up. He looked at each of us. "We head into the hills in small groups so they don't know who to follow. I'm sure we can draw attention away from our wounded until we can get them back to Sunnydale."

"Agreed." Wesley said, nodding. "I fear separation is necessary at this point for our non-wounded as well. I've had a few complaints of our more demonic forces attempting to snack on their fellows. Perhaps if we divided by species?" I looked around, suddenly wondering where Buffy was. I'd not seen her for a few hours.

"Where's Buff?" I asked Spike. If he didn't already know, his vampiric ability to sense her could help find her. He kept his voice low, answering.

"I imagine she's tending to Riley." I blinked up at him. I'd never heard him refer to the soldier by his real name. It worried me.

"Why? What's wrong with Riley?" I asked, ignoring the continued conversation around us. Spike looked uncomfortable before he responded.

"I had to drag the git out of the fight. He lost an arm and wasn't taking it very well." I felt sick suddenly, like the ground was dropping out from under me. Spike caught me up, lifting me into his arms. I tried my hardest to breathe as I started seeing flashes in my minds eye of the horrors I'd witness in battle and afterwards, in shifting the wounded. I lost the last shred of mental shielding that I'd built. Riley missing an arm was one of the least horrible images I had flitting through my head.


"Who died and made you the Iron Chef?"-Dawn

Being a vampire, I've caused plenty of trauma to human victims in the past, but very rarely let them live long enough, or stuck around long enough to see them deal with it. That's why it scared the hell out of me, watching my boy shake in my arms, gasping for breath. He had his face pressed into my neck so I couldn't see a soddin' thing on his face. I thought he was dying.

I never thought I'd be so grateful for Rupert Giles. The Watcher was in front of me in a flash, his hand squeezing my pet's shoulder as he spoke to him. "Shhh, Xander, its over." He repeated to the quivering human in my grip. I was at a loss, so I took his lead and started purring and rocking him comfortingly. It seemed ages before the shivering stopped and was replaced with silent tears. <Maybe bloodshed doesn't suit my pet as well as I thought. If it does this to 'im, I'd rather he stay behind the lines.> I looked up to Rupert's worried face.

"He'll be okay with some rest and food." He reassured me. I nodded and turned to Angel who had approached.

"We're going to give the order to head out now." He told me in low tones. "Take Willow, Xander, Buffy, and whoever else you can fit in one of the rigs and head into the mountains east of here. We'll contact you as soon as we can magically defend Sunnydale. Make certain that Willow rests. She needs to have her full strength before we regroup for she is vital to our efforts. If anything happens to her, we might as well be dust." For once I didn't bother to argue with the Poofter. "I'm holding you responsible for all of them, William. If any are harmed it'll be on your head." I growled at him and gestured for the little guy Xan was friends with to follow. I turned on my heel, striding away, carrying my love in my arms.

It took me bloody forever to get an RV emptied of sleeping wounded and even longer to get Xander settled on a bed in the back. I left him sleeping with the little guy to watch over him and started picking through the mostly unconscious group of witches. Near the center of them I found Red curled up with a little blond I'd seen her with a few times in SunnyHell. They were wrapped around each other so tightly that I decided it would easier to move the both of them together. I carried the two as they were back to the rig and settled them in the bed that had taken the place of the table. I headed back out again and concentrated long enough to sense the Slayer not too far away.

I found her kneeling over her soldier boy, face red and puffy from too many tears. He was asleep with his head in her lap, his torso covered with a gray wool blanket. "Slayer, time to go." Her head snapped back to look at me with an icy glare.

"Go away, Spike!" She hissed. I rolled my eyes. The only way to get through to people today seemed to be through poncey behavior. I knelt across the soldier's body from her and looked her in the eye.

"I have orders from Queen Angel to get you and your sidekicks out of here. I'm not leaving until I have all of you so get moving." She looked down at her beloved beefcake pointedly. "Right then, the git counts as a Scooby. Move." Before she could protest I pushed her aside and picked him up. I started walking, ignoring her sputtering. She was following me so I didn't care what she said.

I put him in the bed across from the kitchenette and took a head count. I had my humans on board. Ignoring the urge to check on Xander in the back room, I headed up front and started the engine. It took a long bumpy ride to get the rig back to a clear portion of highway 395 and get heading south again, and by the time I got us going the sun was on its way up.

I called the short kid forward and gave him the wheel. "Keep driving until we get to the next town. Find a grocery store, we'll need supplies for about a week. Make Bitchy help you. When you've got it all, head into the mountains first chance you get. We need to find someplace to hole up for a little while. Got it, mate?" He nodded, looking a little nervous, but it had to be good enough. I headed back to the bedroom compartment before I'd get singed and shut the door, checking that all the curtains were closed.

I turned to the bed and saw Xander sitting up, blinking at me, confused. I smiled at him.


"You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked. I mean really."-Buffybot

"Wasn't I just outside? I mean I was a little stressed but I coulda sworn I was outside dragging around alien corpses and ew." I wrinkled my nose at that thought. And then I wrinkled my nose at the smell still on me from the aforementioned corpses. Spike smirked at me and took off his duster. I watched him sit beside me and then bend down to untie his docs. He pulled them off and then tugged his blood and scum covered T-shirt over his head and flung it at the door. "I take it, its bedtime?" I asked him then, trying not to look at his pale, extremely nice-looking muscular back. He quirked an eyebrow at me and I squirmed, made uncomfortable by his silence and half-nakedness.

"Are you planning on speaking at all? Or should I just keep going on and on about how much we smell and how I have gooey stuff in my hair and my clothes are drying into a nice crunchy exoskeleton that will protect me from the elements or further attack?" He was just sitting there watching me, his expression changing from amusement to concern as I spoke.

"You don't remember talking to the Watchers and their lot earlier?" He finally asked, his voice soft. I blinked at him. <What?>

"Noooooo, Mr. Crazypants." I answered him, resisting the urge to run my fingertips down his spine to see if he'd shiver. He frowned and pushed my battle-crusty hair back from my undoubtedly filthy face. His touch was so soft, like he was afraid to break me. "I remember playing with dead bodies and then-" I froze, remembering my freak out finally. "And then I wigged." I forcefully shook off the memories that tried to invade my mind again.

"Are you alright, love?" Spike asked, his knuckles stroking my cheek. I took a deep breath and nodded like the brave little toaster that I am. <I'm a man and men don't cry because they've killed and maimed and oh wait, yes they do.> I looked at Spike, studying him, trying to decide what he would do if I burst into tears. Would he worry a lot and hold me? Would he get frustrated? I didn't want him frustrated or worried. I wanted him to smirk at me with his pouty lips and look at me with his gorgeous eyes. I firmly clamped down on any urge to cry and gave him a brave little toaster smile.

"Kiss it better?" <Where did THAT come from?!> His blue eyes went wide in surprise. My hand flew up to cover my mouth. <I guess my mouth knows what it wants!> "Heheh. Funny thing, my mouth, sometimes it just talks without me giving it leave to do so! Don't worry. I'll punish it accordingly. No chocolate for a month!" I babbled nervously. At that point he quirked his brow at me and gave me a sexy grin that shot that same strange electricity through my gut. I dropped my hand back to the blankets beneath me and gave him a hopeful smile.

"I think that from now on, I should be in charge of punishing that naughty mouth of yours." He practically purred. I felt my spine turn to goo. What's a guy to do? I stuck my tongue out at him, as it was the only prudent course of action for me to take. When he moved I barely had time to squeal before I was straddling his lap with him nibbling on my lower lip.

I took that golden opportunity to act on my earlier impulse. I ran light fingertips over his bare shoulder and traced the bumps of his spine down as far as I could reach before dragging my fingernails back up. I was rewarded not with a shiver but with a moan as he straightened his back, pressing his chest into mine. I smiled at that and he took that as a cue to deepen the kiss.

He angled his head to press his tongue deep into my mouth and stroked it roughly across my palate. He began to explore my mouth roughly, catching me somewhat off guard. I was so used to soft tongues and lips after so long with Anya and before that Cordy. He made it clear with his mouth that he was in charge of this shindig and who was I to argue? I quickly rediscovered breathing through my nose as a skill as I let him lead me through the exploration of our lips and tongues and teeth.

I used this golden opportunity to get a feel for the cool body beneath me. I took my time, running my hands over his shoulders and down his arms to squeeze his biceps then back up to his collarbones and down again over his very nice chest. I'd never spent much time with a male body not my own and I felt a thrill of the forbidden as I explored.

Spike just sat there and let me play while he kissed me, one hand on my waist and one splayed against my scalp. His hands were so much bigger than mine and in relation I felt so small in his grip. It reinforced the knowledge that he was a zillion times stronger than me and made me decide that he would definitely be in charge here. It felt good to give up the responsibility.

I waited patiently for further direction from him and it came soon enough. He paused to lap at my lips and his hands went to my ass, tugging me hard against him. I smiled against his lips and responded by flicking my fingers against his nipples. I was rewarded with him bucking his hips a little, pressing his hard jeans covered length into my crotch.

He tore his lips away from mine and looked me in the eye. He was panting without really needing to and it made him more human and made me feel more comfortable. His eyes were dilated so far to almost be black and his mouth hung open, tempting me to start in with the smoochies again. He took a deep breath as he studied my face before he spoke. When he did his voice was low and rough, half a growl and half a purr. "You going to be a cock tease again, love?" He asked, uncertainty entering his eyes. I considered it my last chance to flee, and then gave him a shrug and a grin.

"I'm ready." I told him. He gave me an exultant grin that I'd never seen on him before and suddenly my shirt was across the room and my bra was torn off and flung after its covering. I blinked and his grin turned wolfish.

A second later I was on my back and moaning because there were lips and teeth attached to my nipple. I found my hands in his bleached hair, holding him in place as he did amazing and moan-worthy things to breasts that I was thanking Anya for. After a few minutes of his mouth torturing me I became aware of a new sensation.

As guy, during sex, you try for friction of any kind on your cock. As a woman I noticed a similar need for friction, but the need came from two places. One was what I new was my clit. That I'd dealt with before in the shower out of curiosity but not enough to get too aroused. The second feeling came from inside. I started to squirm, knowing that there was no way to ease that need without Spike. I tugged him back up to eye level and kissed him hard before looking him in the eye.

"Need you inside." I managed to say, feeling so strange to be saying the woman's lines. Spike's reaction made me feel better. His moaned and flashed to gameface for a second, then he was kissing me hungrily. It was incredibly hot seeing him lose momentary control and not at all scary after seeing him vamp out for various mundane reasons around the apartment so many times. As he kissed me, his hands were unbuttoning my jeans so he could pull them and my underwear from my body, leaving me naked.

Impatient, I tugged at his jeans, trying to undo the irritating button fly. Why he wore them I'll never know. Must be the soulless thing. No one with a soul would inflict such torture on his lover. Finally, he was naked and I was flinging the evil pants at the wall. I made myself calm down a little, then, so I could appreciate the sight of the beautiful figure kneeling in front of me.

He was a lot more attractive than I ever was as a man, that much was obvious. I had always been too big and clunky. This beautiful creature fit his form so well that I was reminded me once more of his more cat-like traits. Only cats were that confident with themselves. He was hovering over me, waiting to pounce as I studied him, but I knew that he was ready to pound me into the mattress. I knew this from experience, seeing how hard he was and how his muscles bunched, waiting for me to signal that I was ready for the next step.

I smiled at him, appreciating his consideration. I was pretty sure that, had our roles been reversed, I'd have lost control ten minutes ago. I held my arms out to him and he pounced, sprawling over me, cool skin to hot, flushed skin. He kissed me softly and tenderly as we rubbed against each other for a moment, then I gave him the next signal. I brought my knees up and apart, allowing his lower body to fall between them. He nipped at my lip, as he drew himself up, bracing his arms on both sides of my chest.

"Ready, luv?" He growled. I nodded, trying not to squirm. He kissed me again as he began to push inside. Suddenly he stopped, barely in at all, his head falling to my shoulder. "Shit!" I blinked.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked, wanting to know why my happy fun feelings weren't happening. He lifted his head at looked at me, giving me a slightly pained smile.

"You're a virgin, love." It took me a moment to catch on, but when I did, I groaned. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them to look up at him again.

"What do you wanna do? This'll probably hurt you more than me." I asked him. He nodded and took a deep breath and without warning, thrust hard into me. I whimpered and squirmed around the sudden invasion, but the pain was quickly fading. Looking up at him, I saw him clenching his jaw, agony in his eyes. I reached up and pulled him down, to me.

He rested his forehead against my shoulder for a moment while I gently massaged his scalp like I'd seen him do after a chip zapping in the past. In a moment, he lifted his head again and kissed me gently, thanks in his eyes. I gasped into his mouth when he moved again, pulling out of me then pushing slowly back in. The sensations were amazing, like electric current clutching my belly, making me arch my back against him. I needed more. He obliged, continuing to move slowly until I reached around him and scraped my nails over his skin. With that, he hissed and started thrusting harder, grinding whispery moans out of me.


"Hey. Little sympathy for the man with the migraine here, can we?"-Spike

It'd been an eternity or two since I'd last been inside a living breathing hot human body and I'd nearly forgotten how it felt. I was almost grateful for the pain that came from that bloody chip, thrusting into the warm, soft body that writhed beneath me. If there hadn't had been pain at that moment, I probably would have came already leaving my beautiful Xan out of luck.

It was amazing to me, as it was, that I was lasting beyond the first couple thrusts. I was grateful that my love was already moaning and panting, nearing his own completion, eliminating the need for me to hold on much longer. When he reached his climax as I stroked into him again, I felt control of my face slipping and the demon came forward. I thrust hard twice more and kissed him hard as I came.


"No, I feel fine. I mean, the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it. It's kind of like a ride."-Buffy

When I finally came down from my high, panting and still feeling the odd pulse inside, I realized that if Spike didn't move soon, I was going to be pancake Xander, which may taste good with buttery syrupy goodness, but that's not the kind of breakfast in bed that made the Xan-man happy. Fortunately Spike moved before I could get up the energy required to speak. He pulled out of me and moved onto his side, still wrapped mostly around me.

I watched him nestled his still Grrr face into my chest, his eyes closed. After a moment his face regained its human features and his blue eyes opened, looking up at me with the most innocent expression I'd seen on anything moving. He looked like an angel, bright blue eyes and beautifully angled cheekbones, pouty lips. Even his peroxide-tortured hair added to the effect, mussed prettily. His features managed to drown out the smudges of dirt and blue goo that covered us. Buffy would be envious of that talent. "So what was it like? Better than a guys? Not as fun?" He asked, curiosity and excitement flickering through his eyes.

I smiled, getting a monster case of the warm fuzzies. I twirled my fingers in his curly hair. "It was incredible, but I'm not sure how much was from being a girl and how much was just you." I answered, truthfully. He gave me this incredibly intense look after that.

"I love you." He said earnestly. I stared in surprise. I knew he like me, but I didn't think he really loved me quite yet. I think I gaped at him like a dying fish for a minute. After far too long under his burning gaze I managed to speak.

"Wow." I managed. "That just came right out of nowhere." He was going to burn me up with his eyes if I didn't say something good soon. I guess I floundered a little too long because his expression turned to that of a kicked puppy. The power of that face made me want to burst into guilty tears. I kissed his forehead reassuringly and stroked his face with my fingertips, desperate to make that heart-rending look disappear. "Spike, sweety, you just shocked the hell out of me!" I tried to explain my reaction while marveling at just how open he was acting. Snarky Spike was nowhere to be seen. Just beautiful angelic insecure Spike. "Give a guy a chance to reel!"

A second later the door burst open and Buffy stood staring at us. "Okay, just so many different flavors of ew!" She gasped, averting her eyes. Spike growled and pulled a blanket over



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