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Chapter Four: Cute Wittle Bloodsucker




"The ... who whating how with huh?"-Buffy

<Gah! Eep! Blah!> I wasn't quite sure what noise to voice so I stuck with shocked silence. I stared at Spike, my hand clapped to my neck where he'd licked me. "What the hell did you do that for, Spike?!" Buffy demanded from behind me. I jumped a mile.

Spike shrugged casually from where he was sprawled lazily like a giant cat. He looked so smug. I continued staring, hoping that my brain would start functioning again. Maybe I should have Wills look at it, she's good at dealing with faulty computers, maybe she'd be able to fix a faulty brain?

"I put my scent on 'm. They'll keep their soddin' mitts off him now." Buffy huffed at his answer but looked around the room.

"They left?" She asked, confused. "You can do that?" She demanded. He rolled his eyes, sipping his beer bottle.

"I'm a Master Vampire, Slayer. I can do whatever I please and they bloody well have to listen." He explained, watching me with sharp blue eyes. I felt flustered suddenly and did something that I never in a million years thought I'd do.

"Hey Riley, wanna dance?" Hey wow, I didn't stutter or anything! Said soldier blinked in surprise then jumped to his feet, realizing that I wouldn't ask something so strange for no reason.

"Yeah, sure, lets go." He followed me out into the crowd of dancers. Moving close he spoke in low tones. "Was his tongue cold?" I blinked and laughed incredulously at him as I started doing the goofy Xander dance.

"What?!" He grinned sheepishly at me and shrugged. "I'm just curious." He explained. I laughed again and leaned close. "No, it was room-temperature. Cool but not cold. And it was definitely one of the most unexpected close encounters of the undead kind that I've had." I informed him. He laughed and grabbed my shoulders suddenly.

"Stop, you're hurting me." He laughed. I looked up at him, confused. "You're dancing like a guy, but really badly, when you look like a girl. Its really quite painful to my fragile psyche." He told me. I frowned, crossing my arms and pouting.

"Well fine! You show me how to dance like a girl. Since you're so womanly, Ms. Finn." He grinned at me, somewhat evilly, then froze, looking behind me. "What? Is it Buffy? Is she jealous? Is she gonna hurt me?" I asked him. He shook his head, releasing my arms and stepping back. Confused, I turned to see the advancing figure of my new, tongue-happy roommate.

He was moving toward us with the most intense predatory look in his eyes. It made me shiver. <Scary vampire gonna eat me Eep!> I stepped back beside Riley.

"H-hey! Um. Spike, shouldn't you be at the bar licking innocent beers or something?" I cracked nervously. Riley shifted so he was standing half in front of me. I growled. As much as his protective stance made me feel better with all the primal "gonna eat you" vibes zinging around, I was still a guy and the only person I hid behind was Buffy, dammit. <And Spike.> My subconscious reminded me. I killed it. Bloodily.

I pushed protective commando boy to the side and stepped forward, reminding myself that Spike was chipified and therefore nothing to cause raised heartbeat or sweaty palms or that funny electrical charge in my tummy that actually felt kinda good and hey! Bad body! I'm a man and Spike is a man-shaped evil roommate thing! I don't need this shit! I resisted the urge to adjust a woody that didn't exist. <Oh hey, Spike's answering the question I asked! Wait.what was the question? Huh?>

"I feel like dancin'." He said with a shrug. His eyes were still all creepy with that 'gonna eat you' look, but he smiled almost sweetly. I shivered. Riley tried to reassert his manly 'protect the little lady' act and put a big paw on my shoulder.

"She's dancing with me, right now Spike, she's not going to dance with a demon." He snapped. I restrained a good ol' hyena laugh at that. I smiled sweetly at Spike, who for the second time, shivered, then turned to Riley.

"She?" Riley blinked at me, clueless. I turned away from both of them and stalked over to where Buffy was pouting on the couch. "Buffster, will you please dance with me so I'm not forced to castrate anyone tonight?" She looked a little confused, but nodded, getting to her feet.

She passed by the two testosterone-insane males as they threatened each other and pulled me into the fray with an annoyed sigh. The song was slow and sultry. And she started to move in the Sexy Slayer Dance that used to send me to the table to find a convenient book or jacket to hold. Now I just absently appreciated her grace and beauty while she moved. I moved a tad more awkwardly than usual, remembering Riley's comment, until Buffy stopped me and smiled.

"Move your hips separate from your shoulders." She advised. I tried and she sighed, putting her arms over her head so I could see her body unobstructed. "Copy me." She ordered. I nodded and imitated her body's movements. She demonstrated a few different moves before announcing that I was okay, then she pulled me real close and whispered. "Lookit the couch." I followed her gaze and saw Riley, Wills, Tara, and Spike all staring at us, practically drooling. "We are sooooo very hot." She giggled. I giggled too, to my manly shame. Minutes later we were doing the super-sexy Slayer-Slayerette grind on the dance floor.

I pouted and she asked me why as she slid against me. "Y'know, a week ago, this would've given me a majorly embarrassing happy, but now here I am, Mr. Bump and Grind and I'm barely turned on." I whimpered. "I think I'm gay now...or straight...or something I don't know but its creepy and my brain hurts!" Buffy slowed her dancing and pulled me off the floor to the bar to get waters for us.

"I'm sorry Xan. I know all this is majorly freaky." She hugged me. "Y'know we're looking for ways to fix you. It'll just take time." She rubbed my back and I leaned on her strong Slayery-ness. "Not to sound too much like Giles, but maybe you should use this as a learning experience. Y'know, figure out exactly what a woman wants so when you go back to the other side, you'll have a secret weapon or something." I blinked at her. I hadn't thought of the plus side to this whole thing yet.

"I mean, sure, things aren't how they should be, but its how they are for now and you should, I dunno, try and enjoy what you've got?" She added. I grinned. I felt so much better just pondering the ways that I could annoy people.

"Sounds like a good idea, Buff, thanks. Wait, can I still torture Riley for calling me a she?" She grinned.

"Why do you think I was dancing with you? Now he has to deal with the fact that watching Xander Harris dancing with his girlfriend made him horny." Her grin was pure evil. I hug-squished her again.

"I love you, you evil Slayer, you." I said and chugged my water from the bottle while she preened. "Hey, we just had a moment and I didn't feel like someone was going to catch me being unmanly." I said suddenly. She grinned and patted my arm.

"Isn't it great? When you're a chick you get to have emotions!" She laughed and started pulling me back to the dance floor. "Now lets torture them some more while we come up with ways for you to make Spike's life miserable. We can't let him think he can lick people without severe retribution.." I laughed and joined her with round two of the lesbo-lambada.



"Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all?"-Spike

Right then, the pup isn't ready to dance with a bloke yet. Doesn't mean he has to get his knickers in a twist and go hump the Slayer for revenge! It was horrible! Indecent! Disgusting! And it was the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my unlife. It was way hotter than when I got to see Darla and Dru go at it in the old days. When they stopped Soldier boy and I slumped to the couch in relief from the assault.

I started to worry though when the Slayer and the whelp started scheming. I could tell that my unlife was now in jeopardy. When they started dancing again I couldn't handle it anymore and practically ran out of there, leaving the Farmboy to fend for himself.

When I got home it took me twenty minutes in a cold shower to recover from the Slayer's latest attack. I managed to trip around the apartment to get myself some hot blood and finally settled in some comfy black pajama pants that I had found. I sprawled across my new leather couch and turned on the big-screen. At least this Gilly did right. I growled absently at the huge version of me.

It wasn't bad. I am an attractive bloke, I just could have been spared the humiliation of the whole cartoon gang seeing it. Oh well. I fell to channel surfing until I found a Stephen King TV-movie. I liked the stuff that git wrote, he had a good amount of dementia going on.


"The last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws."-Angelus

After scheming with Buffy and eventually Wills and Tara, I came up with a list of quite a few ways to torment my live-in corpse and any other man who irritated me. I ended up dropping by a 24-hour market for some groceries courtesy of my credit card before heading to my new home.

When I shoved the door open after a struggle with far too large and heavy grocery bags, I tripped and scuffled my way to the kitchen in the dark to the sound of a fierce storm and screaming from the immense TV in the corner. I ignored it while I put away the groceries and fought exhausted yawning. I finished and went to see what the Licking Fiend was watching.

As I approached I identified the movie on screen and grinned. "Storm of the Century" was one of my favorite Stephen King's. I went around the couch and sat on the cold concrete floor with a sigh. I was never going to have carpet was I? Looking at Spike, sprawled across the entire black leather couch, I sighed again. He was ignoring me, watching the movie with a frequent blink and drooping eyelids that made him look like a little boy trying to stay up late to prove to his parents that he could. It didn't help that his bleached hair was fluffed into wild curls and smooshed on one side. <Cute wittle bloodsucker.>

I looked away before he noticed me staring and went back to watching the movie until I started dozing off as well. I took a deep breath and hauled my ass off the floor and staggered around the couch again to my room and shut the door. The bed that was really a fold out couch was set up but not made, and seeing as I was exhausted. I just unfolded the sheets and wrapped them around me instead of the bed and fell onto the mattress.

I woke suddenly the next afternoon completely disoriented. I rolled off the bed, tripped on a box, landed on something sharp and pain inducing and ended up crawling through the pitch-black room to open the door and sprawl across the threshold to the rest of the apartment. It took a minute for my sleep-clouded eyes to register that Spike was standing in the kitchenette to my right, holding a mug half-way to his mouth, staring at me like I was wearing a tutu and polka dots.

"Gmorble." I greeted him and fell back asleep, my face smooshed into the concrete. My head shot up two minutes later and I staggered to my feet. "Merf nork!" I informed the vampire who was sitting on the kitchen counter. He started laughing at me while I stumbled into the bathroom. I tried to slam the door at him but it bounced off my heel (ow).

Fifteen minutes later I emerged a bit more awake and wrapped in a towel. A short skimpy towel. A towel that would make Pamela Anderson blush. Attack #1 in the Spike Torture Arsenal. I bounced into the kitchenette and made coffee while Spike stared at me, scowling. I finally left the machine to do its thing and went back to my room to dress. Buffy had warned me to take the torture slowly to prolong his suffering so I put on a nice comfy pair of black track pants and one of Wills old t-shirts with little kitties on the front. I wasn't planning on leaving the house until the next day anyway for job searching. I came back out of my room and got some coffee and poptarts (the food of kings) and settled cross- legged on the floor against the fridge. I pulled out the classifieds I'd snagged at the store and started the easy part of my job search.

Meanwhile, Spike was watching me, a perplexed look on his face from where I could see him leaning on the couch out of the corner of my eye. Finally I looked up at him. "What?" I asked. He mumbled something and in a lightning move flipped over the side of the couch and turned the TV on. Oooooh lookit how he uses his vampire speed and agility to become the Master Couch Potato. I rolled my eyes and went back to my breakfast and job-hunt.


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