Blank CD's Breed Frustration.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Dylan - Times Are A Changin'
I woke up this morning at nine to my mom frantically searching for the ringing sound in the house. I told myself I was still asleep so I wouldn't force myself out of my bed, and the sad part is that I actually convinced myself for another 45 minutes.

Meh, my day started off with the stupid cats roaming the house and coming in my room, scaring me.

I cleaned, like I always do. I still need to vacuum the glass off my floor. Thanks for reminding me.

I went with my parents on what started out as a "quick running of errands" and ended up going downtown with Shelly for a couple hours. This is the type of thing I will always remember. Sitting in a dimly lit coffee shop with my best friend, digging the guy behind the counter and drinking too much coffee. (Literally, we bought at first an italian soda for Shelly and a Medium House Blend for me. Shelly sucked hers down and then we shared mine. After a scone for each of us we bought two more coffees. The largest they had. I mean... really, we should have owned the place. We gave it a lot of business today.)
We sat there at a table for two and we talked about so many things. The woman who had her feeding tube pulled (by the way, I was, am, and forever will be against that choice), abortion, America's value of life, writing, books, relationships, summer, college, careers, philosophy, "what-if's", etc.
You know when I grow up and I'm a famous author (winkwink) and I talk about what inspired my amazing works, I'll talk about the sun light pouring through the large windows in the coffee shop that my friend and I basically lived in on Saturdays. I'll mention the scene of the downtown that I see from the seat I sit in every time. I'll talk about the unusual and unfortunate people who walked past the glass front and met my eyes. The people who listened to Shelly and I talk and gave us looks for our views on society. I will talk about all that.
Except when I become an author I won't be a horrible speller. Oh the weakness.

We came home about six and I finished my homework. I was so wired on caffiene and the fact that I'd figured out yet another aspect of life, that I finished all my homework in an hour. <3

Dinner was tastey. Egg sandwiches and vegitable soup and stories and yet more opinions, though this time about science. I'm very skeptacle about everything I learn in science class because obviously I know more. <3 Ha!

Anyways, I gave Cliffy a bath today. He hates me and won't come to me when I make the kissie sound. He's ignoring me and even when I gave him part of my sandwich at dinner, he wouldn't look me in the eye. I don't care because there is no pup in Harrisonburg that smells like Dove shampoo except Cliffy.

I wrote last night. Not much, but it was an interesting break from my writers block that I've been expiriencing. It is in interesting example of many aspects of society in prospective of a girl who wanders through the city in flip-flops and stops to try to write. She has a large blank book that she can't bring herself to fill. I might post it but I'll have to think about it. I've always thought it was risky to post my writing online, not that I'm not scared of criticism, in fact I love it, but I don't want people to get any ideas about copying me. People in my school have actually copied my work and let's just put it this way... I hate them. <3

I'm going to go and read.

Ich liebe dich.
BETH

Another Cup, Another Reason To Open My Eyes After I Blink.
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Practical Magic soundtrack
Have you ever seen the movie Practical Magic? You should. Exquisite.

Oh yeah, dinner? A feast. A cold one, but a feast. The windows were open by force and I sat paranoid and cold while we dined in the formal dining room and laughed under our rustic chandelier.
It was wonderful. I sat and looked at my mom and dad and realized that I could tune out the noise of our laughter and hums and story telling to see them grinning, throwing their heads back and being happy with that twinkle in their eyes. My dad's smile lines were deeper and longer, my mom's smile was broader and I sat still just observing something I probably might not have next year. Who knows what will happen or what house I will be in? I kept it.
The scene was quite picturesque. Mother, father, daughter and puppy sitting next to me begging for scraps of anything. Steaming food and full plates, full stomachs and half loaded forks. Every one and a while my mom snuck the pup something and while my mom wasn't looking my dad did also. We sat there in the light and I just saw this, I saw everything that I was. The beauty of my mom, the magic of my father, the loving spirit of my mom and the work ethic of my father... everything they are, I am.
And yet so much more. I am the trees, the cliffs the waves and the emerald grass of Ireland. I am the pubs and the social structure, I am the party and the violen and the dancing and the laughter. I am the castles that sat on the hills over looking the country side and I am the villages with interwoven clans. Everything I need from my heritage is in me through my father and I love them for letting me grasp it.

So I'm on a moody note, right? Why stop there?

So yeah, I was over him. Him, a different him. Not the him I was in love with, because I've healed myself of him. But the him that I grew up with, the him that was my brother and my friend, the him that I cared for and cried for and prayed for and loved. The him that I hated and the him that I loved, the him that I fought with and the him and I talked to for hours about nothing more than the extent to which I never wanted "us" to end. And yet, though it might sound, it wasn't romantic. It was purely feelings that I couldn't live without him, he and I were each other in different ways. We balanced each other.
He ditched me for another girl. Not a girl who was his best friend, but a girl who gave herself up to him. A girl who let him take a rather larger chunk of her soul in return for a few worthless words. I was ditched for something he tricked into letting him strip and kill. So what do I mean to him? Evidently last year was nothing? Evidently everything we'd been through was nothing because we are different and our balancing act doesn't work the same.
I'm strong and he was weak. I was strong where he needed it and he was weak where I needed it and I laughed for him when he couldn't while he cried for me when I couldn't. He protected me when I couldn't protect myself and I cared for him when he couldn't care for anyone. So what happened man? Well, we matured right? But I refused to mature like that. I won't throw my life away like I planned so long ago before I even met him. He wants to live forever in bondage with what he didn't accomplish and I want to glide through life on a breeze. But why couldn't we just coexist like we always have and live our lives while still being best friends?
Last night was so awkward. I knew while I silently talked that he knew something was different and yet I couldn't change myself back into the girl that he said goodbye to two months before. And while we joked around in the same way, my heart wasn't in it and I knew no matter how hard I tried that he wasn't mine and I wasn't his anymore. And before I even hung up the phone I was crying, before he even could figure out that I was crying he was gone and I won't talk to him for another two or three months.
But next time? I won't answer the phone, I won't talk to him. Next time he calls to complain about something he would have never cared about, I won't answer the phone because,

I'm done.

And that's that.
So anyways, it will probably never "be done" because hey, it's me we're talking about here and it'll take me a while not to be so angry about it. So expect a few spouting off sessions before I die.

This hang lotion smells like the ocean. Heck yeah, man. The $25 was worth it. <3

Ich liebe dich.
BETH

Oh So Long.... The Time Exposed.
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: the sounds of American Dreams
The wedding was spectacular and beautiful in every way. Though David and I talked about it and our weddings are going to be different. Mine will be in a feild of wild flowers, just simple and elegant... and I should honestly stop thinking about it.

Speaking of dreaming about things, I drew my future house in spanish today. Or rather the downstairs. It has a circular glass courtyard in the middle of the foyer. <3

On to the best of things: St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow and I'm siked out of my mind. We're having a huge celebration and I can barely wait.
The menu:
Goose with Peaches and Whiskey sauce.
Cabbage and Bacon.
Soda bread.
Beef and Guinness
Guinness cake <33333
I'm sooo excited. Okay, I'll quit because my mouth is now in full-water.

So, I stressed all afternoon about my history test tomorrow. Meh. Simple. I'll go, take it, fail it or pass it, either way I put the same amount of energy into it.

I definately ripped the quote off from Lars Fredrikson. He said, "You hate me or you love me, I don't care, either way you put the same amount of energy into it." And isn't that unbelievably true? The opposite of love isn't hate or vice versa, the opposite of love and hate is the denial of existance. Or maybe even the complete absence of them in your world.

I'm tired.

Ich liebe dich.
BETH

Finger Nail Faux-Paux.
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: the nightly news
I didn't have school today so I cleaned all day long and then tonight... well... this might explain it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, so we went to get our nails done. I had french tips and she wanted a solid pink color but the man gave her french tips anyways, and he did a really sucky job. Anyways, so we went to the mall to another nail shop and they "fixed" them. But they weren't really fixed, so we went to walmart and bought nail polish to cover up this crap. I bought some because my french tips looked... strange.

Anyways, it's crazy tonight.

The wedding is on saturday. I can't believe it.

I am not going to school tomorrow. Tomorrow is insane. I am waking up at 7 to go pick Joey up from the air port and then after that it will be a complete circus.

Wish me any luck that you can think of. I will need it.

Ich liebe dich.
BETH

Too Much. I Crave Wool.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Deanta - Waltz of the White Lillies
Yeah, do you know the definiting of chaos? Look it up... We're there. We as in my family.

Jen's wedding is Saturday and wow. Thats all I can say. First of all, its like this huge day that I never thought would really come. Not that I didn't believe that they would get married, but because it always seemed so safely far away. And now, now its catastrophically close.

I scheduled today. Yes, the guidance office sent for me and I had no idea of what I might take. I chose:

Latin 1
Chemistry Honors
US History Honors
English 11 Honors
Algebra 2
Creative Writing
Film Studies

I might switch out of film studies. It is not as appealing after I thought about it.

Anyways, I'm really excited.

I have to go, I've finished putting the music on my computer and I have to start burning like crazy for the reception.

Ich liebe dich
BETH

Oh, Home.
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: phonograph in the dining room --> The Nightingale's Song
Today I woke up and spent the whole day cleaning the house like I do every saturday. See.. some people complain about cleaning, I say: Hey man, my mom works her butt off for me and everyone else. She doesn't have time to pick up, dust and vacuum, so I might as well do it to help. You know? So anyways, she was really happy.

Mmmm, we had taco's for dinner. It was fun.

I put the goop on my hair again today. It's like that bad thing that is bad but you keep doing it because you're SURE that it's good.

Tonight Daddy, Mom and I listened to records on the phonograph. Then we looked at slides from when Daddy was my ages. Girls were much prettier then. They were much more elegant and charming. Little girls were cuter and teenage girls were more feminine. Now... instead of wearing white dresses, white gloves and have our hair in curls (though mine does it naturally, ick.) we worry about whether or not we are punk, or goth, or the prettiest or the richest. What the heck ever happened to being Girls? The people who were adored by both men and women for our youth and spirit? Now it's just so disgusting. All these stupid scenes, shoot. Who ever heard of a punker girl child. Oi. Maybe I have too many opinions about the way things should be, maybe I'm right, maybe the anti-christ is some man named Bob in Scotland.

ST. PATRICKS DAY IS ALMOST HERE! Everyone must buy me a gift on that day. See, I'm almost purely irish, so therefore I have this holiday dedicated to ME. Yes. Oh yes. So anyways, we're having an irish dinner, irish tales, irish this and irish that. Wish us well.

Sleep.
Ich liebe dich.
BETH

Who... Where? Banana Phone?
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: fellow students jabbering their sorry existance away.
So what? I feel so blah. I'm tired and even though I don't have too much homework, I have a test tomorrow and I am nonplussed.

You know, I've been thinking about this wedding a lot lately and I have felt like this... "OHMYGOSHKILLMEFORTHELOVEOFGOD!" Ahem. Yes, so all this stuff needs to be done and my mom gets it pushed off ... erm... given to her and then I end up being roped into it and you know what? I don't necessarily like this family too much. Intolerance. I am not exactly pleased with the chapel that we're using. It's at one of my dad's numerous jobs and because some of the people who are coming are really rowdy... we have to do some major damage control. See... you don't understand. There is all this stuff that needs to be done and only my mom to do it. There is so much wrong with people and only so much tolerance for their intolerance. There is such a possibility of being fired and too much whiteness. There is just too much.

So I was laying in my room, on my floor, trying to consentrate on The Vampire Lestat, which I should be able to do any time I want, but I couldn't. I thought about how all this crap is going on (aren't I ladylike?) and I thought, you know what? Screw everything. I just want to leave. Then for some reason I thought of the first Thanksgiving.

Now some of you who will read this might not understand the actually society within the church, but the church is very, very lazy. (Do not get me wrong, I believe in God, I love him. I just don't love the church and really, to assume that I would hate God because I hate the church is very ignorant and... well... obviously you didn't think it through very well.) The church may have many people attending, many people with free-time, many people who love God, but only one person who will do anything to keep the church going. And that is the PASTOR. So anyways, to explain this I will tell you how this is. Christmas isn't fun. The christmas play isn't coordinated by some nice old woman in the church who likes children, it's put together by my mother. The easter morning service and breakfast isn't put together by the men in the church or even the women, it's put together by my mother and father. The easter egg hunt is put together by my father, the christmas family is put together by my mother and father and the church just sits there on their lazy, trashy butt and watches Springer. Yes. Sorry, Jesus... I mean, man... I'm sure organized religion wasn't always this worthless. Anyways, so the point is that there is a lot of stress when any holiday comes around and theres nothing left for home. Everything goes into what the church won't do and it's ridiculus.

So back to the first thanksgiving. Yes, I know, I started to ramble. I bet the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down and said, "You know, chum, I bet that a big, happy dinner would be spectacular. So that we might smile at each other and wink and flirt and chatter." So they started to plan it out, "Martha! Get the corn in!" "Johnny, catch some fish!" "Eagle, clean the plates!" "LucySparrow, make some bread!" and then after several weeks of planning... there had to be a day when the Pilgrim wife sat down at the table and said to her family, "Oh dear ones, I can't stand this anymore. Screw unity." and that same night when the Indian wife sat down with her family she surely said, "Oh beloved family, I can't possibly work on this anymore, I can't FREAKIN do it, let's eat." I mean, I haven't heard anything in the history books about the social interactions during the planning of Thanksgiving and we ALL know (or atleast now we do) that the Pilgrims and the Indians sat down one night and wanted to run away. Run away to the forest, back to England. All because of some stupid idea that seemed to pleasant, so cute, so good.

I'm in fourth block right now. 20 minutes until school is over and BOY! do I have to go to the bathroom.

It is unbelievable the people in this class. I'm sitting next to the only person in this class who does not think they are the coolest because they can mouth-off to the teacher. And what I love is that I can type this right infront of their eyes and they'll be so busy being 'cool' that they won't notice it. Yeah, I can disrespect the teacher too. It's not difficult, but I know the first phone call my dad gets, thats the last time I will ever step foot in this school again. Back to christian school again for another rousing round of "Punish the Beth."

I also hate most of the people in this school due not to their over whelming lifestyles (the preppies), not them, I can actually stand them now. But it is the people that think that because they come from bad homes, or because they have gotten pregnant that they should be up in everyone's grill, yo. I barely have any respect for these people, though I can look a couple people in the eye and smile. The others just get a tolerated friendliness. Oi.

GOD. 15 freakin minutes. You don't even know how much I just want this to end.

Ich liebe dich.
BETH

To look down the hall, I find your shadow lingering where we shared our first kiss.

Hey... I Have It Under Control.
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: a commercial for Bambi
That silly little deer. So cute and yet, so fatal.

Today was the end of the six weeks, which is bitter-sweet. I always do horrible the first six weeks of the semester (the bitter) but then I am so relieved that I pull myself up to A's (the sweet). SWEET.

Shelly wasn't at school today so there went my friend. Meh.

Barely any homework, AH-WOO-HOO.

Tonight I will do what I do every other night and call Shelly, put goop on my hair, put goop on my teeth, read and lie in dead like slumber until the crack of dawn. Disgusting.

Geometry is so frustrating, you know? Because yeah... shapes are interesting and everything, but I hate finding the angles for all these repetitive little letters and not being able to just identify them. Oi.

MM. Coffee.

Yeah, so I just now found out that I'm going tanning tonight. 7 minutes of destroying my death-white, sensitive skin. <3

Wish my luck,
Ich liebe dich.
BETH

Of Things I Can't Understand.
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Norah Jones - Nightingale
It's the most simple things that I don't understand.. which drives my insane. I can figure things out that other people might not recognize at first and yet, I can't seem to upload pictures unto a photo album. Maybe it isn't the fact that I can't figure it out, oh! I know! It just takes so long I get frustrated and walk away. Oh... man... my kids will never walk.

Today was... meh. We had a two hour delay. That was rad, but when I got to school I had forgotten most of what I needed. I still have a test to make up tomorrow and it is the last day of the six weeks. Personally, I hate the first six weeks of the semester. Strangle it.

My wisdom teeth hurt, I should go upstairs and complain to my mom about it.

I couldn't sleep last night so I started to read The Vampire Lestat... AGAIN. Oh so many times I've visited this lovely piece of art. Every time I read this book I find another way to look at it, or one more beautiful phrase, one more symbol... something new and beautiful.

Okay, I'm going to go up and call Shelly.

Ich liebe dich.
BETH

Move. Load. Walk. Run. Grow. Talk. Faster, faster, faster. No matter how much I pressure you, you pressure me, I pressure them and they pressure us, we'll never meet their standards and we'll be evolved so much from our original state that we'll die not knowing who we are.

But I Have Promises To Keep.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: anything to drown out the sounds of coutry-western upstairs
SNOW DAY!

Oh how snow days have changed since I was in third grade. Today I woke up grumpy because I had to go to the doctors for a check up. Poo-headed physicians. Oh well. They put my on new medicine so I might breath... for anyone who cares. I don't even care... why should you, right? Anyways, I cleaned the bathroom, living room, kitchen and foyer. "I'm a good girl, give me kissies." I studied for Spanish until I broke down into tears. I talked to <3Courtney<3 for a while and then I ate dinner and did some more work.

Oh gosh. So you know, the Osbournes are on... I'm watching it, okay? I love this show, the family dynamics are amazing. The fact that a druggie musician can stay married to one woman, be faithful and have a family is amazing to me. I mean, I know of normal people that can't even do that. I love it.

I hope I don't have school tomorrow. In a way I do, so I might be able to see him. But then I weigh the two ideas. Dreamy Boy or Sleeping In What if we could put the two things together... like a two hour delay AND then go to school and see dreamy boy. Oi.

I am going to go see if I can tackle this online photo album.

Ich liebe dich.
BETH