My Rants and Raves

Welcome to my Rants page where I will give daily/weekly/biweekly updates on what crosses my mind, struggles, questions. Enjoy.

NOVEMBER 2005 RANTS

11-27
Well, I had so many thoughts over this break- they ended up getting written on the backs of receipts and envelopes. And I played Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You”- lyrics are at the bottom. So I guess I’ll delve into it.

If feel like Bobb opened me up- found the secrets of abuse and how I really felt about myself. And for a long time, I was so happy that I was finally getting to the root of everything. Now? I just want to forget again…it hurts so much. When I’m out of therapy- I have a certain level of ignorance. So when I got back to therapy, I want to leave this world more in therapy- she makes me want to know more. To see what is missing. And then it all hurts so much more again. I’m tied of knowing what is not missing…to see myself so incomplete. Yet, I know it is supposed to bring me back together. We are supposed to put my broken pieces back together.

Last session Bobb told me that I needed to accept where my mom was- that she would always hurt me, that it was just a matter of when. So suddenly I feel like that kid again then. So I just want to deny it.

The reason I see so black and white right now or that I’m argumentative is because the last time Bobb drug me out of helplessness and back to taking control…and now she wants me to go back to that- to getting victimized. I just wish she could have empathy just once in just the fact that I don’t want to be helpless anymore. I don’t want to sit around and wait f or the next time, I want to find a solution, I want to find a way so she won’t do that. I feel like that little kid getting the crap hit out of her, or the kid that knows not to say anything about being violated because I’d only get in trouble. Or the nights my brother held me down with a pillow over my head. I am suppose to accept that hurt again? No…No….No. I’m not helpless anymore. How am I supposed to just sit back and wait. It doesn’t make sense.

On to other thoughts, because heaven forbid I cry.

So, when does living become natural to me? It feels so artificial every day. I did do everything right for a period of time…but never did the feeling that happiness was normal come to me. And I work so damn hard at it every day. Bobb says she has trouble giving me empathy for not taking care of myself- but I do. I do take care of myself. I followed my plan of actions- I have yet to stop eating, and I eat pretty well. I try to sleep, more meds now to help me keep sleeping- I’m doing my best. I go to a sleep disorders clinic finally. I have friends and even a boyfriend so I don’t isolate too much. I have a life. I have a job and I have the other stuff I do. Sure, maybe to much, I’m working on that. But I am trying to be healthy, I am trying so hard. Doesn’t any one see that?

Sigh…need to calm down. No crying.

So I feel like there is an answer and I want the answer…but I know Bobb can’t give it even if she knew it. Like Julia- I knew the answer a few nights ago to why she was mad at me…and she kept escalating her anger and I couldn’t give her the answer- she had to get it on her own. And it hurt so bad watching her get so upset, and she sorta got it so I gave reinforcement, and hoping tomorrow the answer will come easier to her. Will it ever come easy to me?

And so finally, therapy feels so different this time around. I wonder if Bobb even likes me? I feel like things have changed and I’m this un-likeable person now. I didn’t make it, I fell. I didn’t stay happy like I thought I would. I did, for the most part, everything to stay well- I kept eating, I kept up with friends and a boyfriend, I went to music shows. Then I let medication slide and more things kept happening. And I lost it. How can someone like a failure? Or maybe this is a jumping to conclusions post or a disqualifying the positive combined with mental filter. I’m not congratulating myself on all the good times I did have. All that I am doing right. But in my mind it means jack squat if I am still failing at mental wellness.

I’m tired of everyone saying how much I “know.” Because a lot of good it does if I cannot feel. And I don’t even know when to start grieving…I still don’t get it and I don’t know how to get it. I really don’t.

I’m so weary now. I need to go unpack, listen to more music, have some dinner with a friend and pretend that I’m okay. Good lyrics below.

"Because Of You"
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

"Breakaway"
Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

11-16
I find myself alone on this Wednesday night just wondering one thing. Can my love for a child be enough to save her? Well, that and my skill level as a therapist.

I have been with Julia since she was barely four years old. It's three and a half years later and she is seven years old. When I began work with her she didn't know her name, age, or even how to imitate. Some of her first programs were "What's your name" type questions and "Do this" then she would have to imitate actions. She had words, but could not put them together to form coherent sentences.

And oh lord her behavior. She would punch, kick, scratch, throw herself on the floor on a tantrum (and she was a big girl!), spit, and yell. I'm sure more, but I've forgotten over the years. It took her a year to learn her ABC's. And that was just receptively (meaning if I said, "give me A" instead of "what letter is this" and then she says- that is expressive). She would take the cards on the table and throw them...a lot. And I still remember the day that she learned how to do addition and that numbers and objects had a one to one correspondence.

She was the first child with autism I ever met. I'll never forget our first meeting, her intake with my company. She is the last of my "original" kids. I am closer to her than any other child including my brothers. I was never mad at her or frustrated when she acted out...I knew she just wanted to communicate. Summers I worked with her every single day. During school, I worked with her three days a week.

Today, she is in regular second grade with hardly any supplemental therapies (like occupational therapy or speech therapy). She still sees me three times a week. She reads at a second grade level, her math skills are a bit above, and all the rest of her tests at the second grade level. She has friends at school and is best friends with the sibling of another child I work with. And she stopped hitting and acting out at least two years ago. And is actually very well behaved, more than most kids.

When she struggles, so do I. It has been hard recently, though she is in regular second grade...she is able to test well because I catch the problems before they become a problem. But lately...it's been so hard. We are so close- she calls me on the phone on our off days. Hell, she calls me anytime something major happens and I'm not there for it. Our relationship is deep and complicated...and I love her more than anything.

But lately...she has been acting out so much- yelling and throwing tantrums...and now even hitting one of her siblings and yesterday she opened a car door while it was moving. I was so disturbed by all of this.

So I sat her down and we had a long talk. I talked about what to do if she felt like hitting, how dangerous a moving car is and a lot of other things. I made a new token board (reward system) for her, where she will earn stickers for two kinds of rewards...and also get X's for exhibiting bad behavior etc. She was prettty happy with that. And we had a good talk.

But near the end, or when we were working on her project, she erupted again. She did earn a sticker while we were working. But still. I see a deficit. When my seven year old brother is angry...and I ask him why- he can tell me what event led to him being angry...like most seven year olds. With Julia, it goes around and around in a circle.

Today it was because she said she hated therapy and therapists and doing work, and almost me. I felt for her heh...I feel the same way about my own therapy. She knows why she has to do therapy and knows our deal- if she starts to do relatively well in school- just fun therapy...but then if she has trouble with stuff we have to work on it. But still.

And I find myself hoping that I am enough. I know my skills are great- especially with her and how far she has come. I guess I will be pouring into books to see if I can figure out how to dig her out of this. To get her to be able to answer a why question, to calm her down. Who knows...maybe my new reward chart will work, I don't know we just started it.

At the very end of the session, I took her into my arms and told her how much I loved her. And how I've known her since she was four years old and want nothing but the best for her. She hugged me back and she she knows and said she loved me.

She's my girl and she has come so far...but for the first time I'm baffled. But I know my instincts never steer me wrong. We have a big hurdle ahead of us. And that is why I hope my love for her is enough. I will read every book on autism in the world if I have too...I know this is the last hurdle for her. We conquer this...and she'll really be done. But this is a big one.

And I find it funny...that I'm willing to cry for this child...but I can't cry for myself. I just hope...I'd do anything for her. I promised her parents she'd be in regular second grade, and that was in the first year I knew them. It happened...now I know...we will beat this, whatever barrier is between us now.

Wow, that felt good to write. And here is my song for Julia that I sing to her sometimes when times are rough.

Time it was I had a dream
You're the dream come true
If I had the world to give
I'd give it all to you

I'll take you to the mountains
I will take you to the sea
I'll show you how this life became
A miracle to me

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

All the things you treasure most
Will be the hardest ones
I will watch you struggle on
Before the answers come

But I won't make it harder
I'll be there to cheer you on
I'll shine the light that guides you down
The road you're walking on

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

Before the mountains call to you
Before you leave this home
I want to teach your heart to trust
As I will teach my own

But sometimes I will ask the moon
Where it shined upon you last
And shake my head and laugh and say
It all went by so fast

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows
- Dar Williams, The One Who Know

11-15
Well, I'm crabby today as Sam remarked. Let me count the ways. I am frustrated...with sleep. Lately I have been severely over-sleeping. Even overslept an exam...luckily she let me take it when I woke up. But then I missed Latin (again). I spent like five hours doing hw last night.

I hate that I can't be a normal college student who can pull the occassional all nighter, or who can get 6 or 7 hours of sleep only and be fine. But no...my body will go for DAYS and WEEKS withOUT sleep. It won't sleep. Period. Ever since I developed this disorder basically at 17. But the troubles started at 13. I don't get it. My doctors just tell me to take my meds etc.

But...that's not enough for me anymore. I've tried various sleep techniques, they don't work. My body won't stop, won't shut off. And I guess I'm not accepting it right now. I'm thinking about going to a sleep clinic. Anyone ever been?

I'm just so frustrated. The sleep-wake cycle is so important to Bipolar...but it's a fight I keep losing!!! Before the hospital I was doing okay with the meds, they made me asleep for 8ish hours, no real hang over. Then out of the hospital...boom, all the sudden I can't get enough sleep after medication. Or like last night, no sleep then I dosed up on Xanax to make me relax and I thought I'd get a few hours...which turned into too many.

I hate this and it's really affecting my mood. I know I said I wanted Bipolar...but now I'm not so sure. Just for once, I want something to go right. I'm so sick and tired of this.

Next, Sam keeps asking if I'm seeing Bobb and I always says yes grudgingly. Why? I still haven't figured that out. It's funny that some people have thought I now have a stigma against therapy. It's not a stigma really...just that I never wanted to walk through her office doors again. I was fine...so what the hell happened. I think too...I still have that failure piece. I promised her in a letter that I would remain well...and look what I went and did. I broke the promise. And that kills me. I think that I (looking for a word other than should so it is not a CD)...it would have been nice to remain well (hmm, I'm good).

And it's all my fault. The abuse of the past was not my fault- but this is. Falling apart now is my responsibility or irresponsibility.

And I know certain people don't want me to view myself as sick. But when you take five medications a day, when you are completely unable to sleep without two little pills, your sleep-wake cyle is fucking up, and you have to be so damn careful every day...it is a constant reminder to me about how well my brain is functioning. When I do a mood chart and discover that the days I do my HW are only the days that I take my Concerta or Ritalin...it's a reminder. I don't think I'm sick...but I'm certainly not well. I have enough reminders.

Not to mention...reminders of my dysfunctional family...and I have no idea how I want to handle my mother right now- none whatsoever. And it makes me so sad. She thinks I'm being...weird or something...because I can barely have a phone conversation to her. She is being so nice right now and I want to puke...because I am just waiting for the next time she is cold and declares that I'm not her daughter. And I miss my brothers so damn fucking much. I can't tell you how much I just wish once I could sock her and be like, that's for everything you've done to me. Then maybe I can calm down. I have letters for her and I don't know which one to send because I am so confused.

Let's see...then there are my sexual abuse issues that never seem to go away. Ted and I are doing really well right now- I'm making more of an effort than ever to be a part of the relationship. He was carrying the burden for a while and that was not right. I think he is appreciating my efforts. But we have this elephant in front of us...the sexual abuse stuff. Another reminder.

So can I just say I am sick of it all. So frustrated and sick of it all. And you know what, it's my fucking right to feel this way. I'm doing healthy things- taking some meds, eating at least two meals, doing some excercise, seeing some friends etc.

So then tell me...why do I feel so numb right now. Like a ghost walking through my life. I think there is no worst feeling in the world...to feel like the ghost of me again.

11-14
For a time, I forgot why life is sweet. Strange to think that I lost that. And then today happened. I thought it was going to be an incredibly long day…and it was, but it wasn’t. You see…this little boy came running to me with a big grin on his face, ready for some reinforcement (tickling). He was running to me for reinforcement because for the first time in his life…he played tag. He ran after his brother, tagged him and then ran to me. He did it. And I will never forget his grin as he came around the corner. And I won’t forget his concern for his brother. Liam was riding his bike along the road, and Colin goes, “Hey Liam, come back please.” Sure, might be just any old request from a brother…but this from a child who couldn’t talk two years ago.

I was also hit with sadness as I watched so many other kids talk so freely. It broke my heart, as I watched Colin struggle for words. But damnit, he said so many things, he did so well. I will be forever thankful for him. And as we tumbled to the ground laughing and tickling…I said to myself, I love my job. This is why I get up every day and take five medications. This is why I go to classes I don’t care about. This is why I live every day. And at the end of my day, I had dinner with Ted and we talked about our days. And I couldn’t help but think this was very nearly a perfect day. My other kid with Asperger's did well that morning too. And I can’t help but smile that he called me “Stinky-face” as I left. It is his current favorite character. Must be good.

Sure, I just heard a few sentences today and I saw a kid play tag. But we have worked so hard for these moments. For the first time I’m seeing what my two hours with Colin is doing in the real world. He is opening up, he is speaking…he is reaching out to other children. He is at least aware of them, and is very aware of his brother. Oh, did I mention his brother has high functioning autism? And you could not tell one bit. He was like any other kid out there. And willing to help out his younger brother when need be. Like slowing down so Colin could tag him.

Life is sweet. And for today, life was very sweet for Colin. For Colin and I. I will go to bed seeing his smile, hearing his laughter. I need nothing else. I made a lot of decisions today also. I am letting go of one child, Nick, because simply, he doesn’t need me anymore. He tests normal on all scales and today he turned three. So I am gaining a new kid in the next few weeks. Not sure exactly who, but I put in for one kid I have heard about in particular. Pretty severe autism but I am up to the task.

And I decided, autism is where it is at. I do some mental health advocacy stuff…but my love and my heart is very clearly with the children. Advocacy cannot give me a smile like the smile I got from Colin. When I go to bed at night, what I want most is to have made a difference in the life of a child. If I’ve accomplished that, well then I will be able to go to bed with a smile on my face. Someone once told me that since my childhood was taken from me…I am helping to give children their childhood back. Maybe that is true. But I know my feelings today, and I know those are feelings I want to keep. Life is indeed sweet, but so much more than that. I remember that now.

11-9
Well, I was discharged from Day Treatment. It's a little scary- tomorrow I start real life again...that is never easy. I have emotional scars...and scars on my arms. Again. I return to my old therapist, Bobb...and I have mixed emotions. I feel like sort of a failure, because she let me go in May...with the hope that I would remain well.

And then BOOM...I end up in a hospital day treatment program six months later, almost to the day. A lot of people have said that I am strong because I knew when I needed help and I went out and got it. I guess. But...I shouldn't have needed help in the first place- I should have stayed on my meds.

I f*cked around with meds (again)...and now I see the result. It's not pretty. And I was running from my emotions instead of dealing with them. So, if I had taken my meds...and dealt with my emotions...perhaps I would be in good spirits at this point in my life. I made active bad choices...and now I suffer the consequences...shame. Doubt. Fear. Sadness. Overwhelmed.

Here I am world...once again. Take Two.

11-4
It has been a very rough week- I'll talk about what went on when I have more energy. I am in Day Treatment every day.

Today marked an important day for me. I am slowly stepping out of denial. I am beginning to take responsibility for my actions. I made a LOT of unhealthy choices...and I made them actively. I knew what I was doing, and I just kept on doing it. Denying the fact that there would be consequences eventually.

So I thought it'd be easier to stay down. But when I entered day treatment...the staff is working hard to help me, and I wouldn't help myself. Today, I began to help myself again. This is my life, and I need to take control again.

Part of my healing is getting check-ups when things feel off...it's knowing when I have made bad decisions and what I can do to deal with the consequences. Healing is a process...and though some parts may be done, others are not. And I do have Bipolar...and the nature of the disorder is up and down and sometimes a hospital visit. I can accept that...I know I can. And I'm okay with it.

Today...I have finally begun the grieving process. I'm ready. I want to do it. I have the help in place, a group setting waiting for me to cry...and this time I know I will. I can't keep the pain in forever. For once in my life, I'm telling myself that it is okay to cry. I'm tired of hurting and I'm ready to begin the process of letting go, no longer how long it takes. I'm ready.

And that is why today my feelings are hopeful and determined. It's time.

11-2
And so I was lost. In day treatment...and of course getting worse before better. Tonight was my send off to suicide and also a goodbye to self injury again.

I did some writing which I will share. Basically outlining my hurt: taking meds the rest of my life, losing my mother, though she is still here physically...the pain of the sexual abuse...and living with fear every day. And the violent images in my head. All of that.

I started going...and I got so busy that I lost myself again. I forgot to do things just for me. I forgot to be kind to myself. I forgot myself because it got too painful again.

Now that I think about it. I should have been kind to myself after TV interviews...I had to remember..and that remembering hurt. Bobb (former counselor) is right...I forgot self care.

Okay going to bed, I have a feeling it will be a very long day tomorrow. The lyrics to the best song ever are below and Annie is named after it.

Anchor

When I was an anchor I was cast an angry sea,
Lost upon the sandbar I would hold my injuries,
And I kept them in a harbor and my life was rust.
Then I heard the stress of the steel, the groan of the weight,
The hard metal squeal, the snap of the chain.
Now I’ve come to know the sound of letting go.

When I was a prison I had locks on every door,
I kept my wounds in iron the captives of my war,
And I stood like a fortress and my life was dust.
Then I heard the stress of the steel, the groan of the weight,
The hard metal squeal, the snap of the chain.
Now I’ve come to know the sound of letting go.

A crack in my armor--the waters rush--
Then I heard the stress of the steel, the groan of the weight,
The hard metal squeal, the snap of the chain.
Now I’ve come to know the sound of letting go
Now I’ve come to know. . . letting go.
- Performed by Laurie Rose Griffith and Peter Mealy-
www.laurieandpeter.com