January 2005 Rants

1-30
So um, I've been quite secretive of many things that have been bothering me lately...just because I needed to deal with some things privately. Some things I will still keep to myself...but I found this song and another that I felt really expressed how I feel about something. Like, partly I am just  grasping the fact that I am healthy for the first time in my entire life. And it's so hard...because just a year ago I was almost dead. And now I'm more alive than ever...doing things I never thought I'd do...and trying so hard to keep a balance in my life. It's just...so very hard to explain. Though I have everything going for me it seems...I still have such a battle to keep going...and realize the sacrifices I have to make to keep myself healthy. And sometimes those sacrifices hurt so bad, so much.

And so I screwed up sleep a little tonight (it's almost 3:30am)...I know I'll make it up to myself. But I needed some time to just be. And I just...I don't know what I'm saying. Really bad headache, I'm tired, and now a little behind in hw and I have so much to do this week- and sometimes I sit here and doubt myself and wonder what the hell I'm doing...and other times, I know I'm doing the right thing.

And so I'm just confused a lot of the time, though I keep going. I am ending therapy, and a lot of feelings are wrapped up in that. And I have friends, and now I see why I shut myself away sometimes- it's hard to be a good friend to everyone- I try so hard to meet everyone's needs, but inevitable, I only have so many hours in a day. Because I know 12am is my bedtime and other than tonight, I have stuck to it like glue.

And I'm finally learning to deal with some of those feelings- I let them in, instead of fighting them. Because it is far, far better to feel those feelings- to know I'm alive and well...than to be numb to it all. And it really fuckin sucks sometimes to let the feelings come...but at the same time...it is so freeing. I'm not shackled to my distorted brain. But free to express myself, the real me...and free to feel the feelings- both the immense hurt, yet at the same time, immense joy. I know the hurt I feel also allows me to feel the joy I feel much more of the time. Like just hanging with my favorite kiddo...or teaching a child their first word (tickle, tickle)...and know I chose to be alive and chose to be well... to be there for those moments. And when I hurt so bad inside, when I grieve and feel sadness...I remember those moments and know I am healing as well. When I'm alone and I can just get a few tears going...priceless. To know that every time I close my eyes I won't be haunted by past events...I laugh and wonder what took me so long to get here.

But still...it is all so new and all so hard for me. I will be the first to admit I am overwhelmed. You'd think being healthy should be easy, even a relief. But when I also have the memories of abuse, of what I did to myself and the darkness behind me...and keeping this balance is difficult- is it real? Is this for real? Is this me and the rest of my life? Can I do this? Is it okay? And then all the unknowns- from the feelings I have never felt...to the things I have never done- I'm finally walking a path I have never been down...and it is scary. But it's also the one I know is right. It is the one I chose, the one I want.

I had so many choices all along- it was up to me to realize the consequences of all those choices. Some were bad, but so many were good- they all got me to here. And sometimes I wonder...what got me here? When I could have walked the other path, that so many others choose- to not talk in therapy, or not go at all. To paste my smile on and be a forever pleaser, to say can't, instead of can. To let fear win- to be so fearful that it keeps me from trying something that could possibly help or keep myself in crisis mode. Or keep my mind closed to so many possibilities and to only see one plan A.

Yet...there was always something inside...that kept going. Even when I didn't talk or I said can't...or only saw one option. Still...maybe it's that stubborn dork inside me...or the look in some of the kids' eyes (that I work with)...but I just kept going. Trial and error I guess you could call it. Eventually...you can't turn a blind eye to everything- including change...or to the you inside. Or turn a blind eye to how much worth I have inside, just by being a living, breathing person. And that life may not have gone as I had always planned, but life led me to where I needed to be, sometimes kicking and screaming. But I had to trust at some point...that things could work out...that just as there are ten different ways for me to teach a skill to a child...there were ten different ways I could keep living...even if it wasn't what I had always imagined. I was still alive and I could still find happiness...in even the littlest things.

I couldn't always change my circumstances, who my parents were or where I had come from. But I could always change me- and how I interacted with all of that and my reactions to what came my way. Understanding that I had those choices and how it could affect my surroundings- made all the difference in the world. And it was such a long road...and I still have far to go...but I have found myself in this journey. It was never easy...and at times I almost didn't make it. I even tried to do it alone...but maybe the biggest lesson I learned...is that I couldn't do it all alone. As independent as I like to be, nothing will ever replace the fact that when I am down...or when I am up- there is always someone there (whether it is all of you...asher...sunny...my friends here in my town...counselor...my brothers...my kids and their families...and my father and lots of others).

I sacrificed a lot of that from time to time...I think it was good for a while- I needed to find out who I was without outside influence. But after that...as a human being- we are social creatures...and I needed to know I could just be loved...and have love not equal pain.

I sacrificed a lot of other things along the way. I'll probably be poor for a long time- to stop the cycle of abuse...I had to gain independence- that meant paying for my education all alone- no parental help (besides the fact they withdrew it- long story), and paying for every other facet of my life (car, books, phone, you name it). Am I way in debt? Have a I created a financial mess? Oh hell yes...and the mounting un-opened envelopes prove it. But all of that can and will be worked out in due time. Creating a mess later financial was worth the independence I gained from my family. No more guilt trips, no more holding things over my head. No more emotional abuse. And the forever freedom I feel over that far outweighs any consequence of being poor and in debt. It dramatically changed the family dynamic. I may have traded one worry for another...but I weighed the two- one was going to kill me...one will just require a little creative thinking, staying calm and just doing what I can to work it out.

I screwed up a bit of college, extra year and all, and a lot of making up for less than stellar grades. But I'm alive to make it up...and my side ventures (research and job) make it all worth it. I once thought messing up the four year plan would sink me. Instead at times it is a blessing in disguise- I'm setting up an entire mental health awareness club, and get to get it off the ground before I leave. And more importantly...Bobb mentioned maybe it was the best idea...now it seems I will finally get to live and act more like a college student- which rocks. I get a year and a half now...of how life should be. I can make the good memories last a lifetime...instead of my college years being filled with all those darker moments.

Wow...I totally didn't mean to write this much...but I've had writers block for a while and the flood gates opened up. I'll post the lyrics in a separate post and you can link to them, I think, since this is so much.

I guess once I started writing...I just needed to write. Tears fell a few times ;-) Always a good sign. It's just me...walking out of the fog, staring at the path before me...and just hesitating for a moment, as I look back a little and just remember. Remember what was before...and how I got here...and the fact that I am okay with going forward to uncharted territories. I'm confused as hell. I'm learning to not use therapy as a crutch. Not that Bobb would let me. I sent her an email the other day...her response, "Erin, you've known me for years now...what do you think I'll say ;-) Tell me what you think and I'll offer you feedback." As much as I just wanted the answer...I know too that some answers I must find myself. Reminds me of a quote, "No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown, in the end there is one dance you'll do alone." Which is quite true.

Well...I suppose I should get a few hours of sleep...dreaming of the hw I forgot/didn't have time to do. But hey, it's honestly now the end of the world. I'll get it done soon. I don't know what this post is all about. I just started writing for some odd reasons...when really I just found some great lyrics. I'll post those first, then this. And add part of the lyrics at the bottom...you'll see where I get the title.

I guess...I am trying so hard. Finding balance...more difficult than anything else I've ever tired to do. Because I can't just say "fuck it" (most of the time)...and I can't do everything. I have so many hours in a day...and I know not everything will be done. And I have to be okay with that. To do the work I have to do...keep in touch with everyone- it's all such a fine line. And it's been so hard to hurt as much as I have been and be okay with that. And above all- confusing as hell. To wonder how I could have changed so much in a year. Because there were so many other years I was in the hospital and it didn't produce these types of changes. I'm truly baffled. It's like it's...me...but some different form of me! The healthy one I suppose. Sometimes it seems easy though...like of course I can just go to bed at this time, of course I can do my hw on time etc. Eating when I am supposed to? Sure, no problem, just had to train my body. But...geez...a year ago I was almost dead. I don't know if this makes sense it anyone, but my weird little brain...but...I am just overwhelmed. Don't know how else to put it.

And with that...I should end this long ass post, since I know its hard to get through! Thanks for listening though...these were just thoughts...that had to come out.

Love you guys...still trying to find my balance and get here when I can.

"I guess I'm normal after all
I don't feel so crazy
Psychoanalysis
After all of this
Fails to amaze me"

"I guess I'm normal after all
Now that normal is crazy
On the wings
Of a snow white dove
I'd love you to save me"

1-23-05
Hey guys...well it is pretty much official, I am starting a chapter of Active Minds on my campus. The link is here if you want to see what I am talking about: www.activemindsoncampus.org

I'm pretty excited- to bring mental health advocacy finally to my campus- big thing. My college is also doing a Self Injury Awareness Week in March, which I'm heading up. Just a reminder to everyone- ONE person CAN make a difference. No matter how big or small...we all make a difference somehow. And this is just one of the many ways you can make a difference.

"We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joys in the world."
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming."
"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light."
-Helen Keller

1-11-05
Back on campus and I am ready to go. Already in a good daily habits routine, as that is important for my well being as you all know. Today I have an assessment with one of my kiddo's (behavioral therapist for children with autism)...and earlier today I had a great meeting with the head of Psych Services here. Trying to get something going in raising awareness for self injury and mental health in general. I am super excited about this. To lessen stigma- what a great thing. I had to live so much of my life secretly...and I just refuse to do that. It may irk some of my family or former friends...but that is their shame, not mine.

As some know, I took a break from this website and also the support group (closing in on a thousand members, so big!)...and I think I'm getting my head on straight now, as far as how I want to proceed. Now that I am finally getting healthy, and even finally ending my talk therapy...it's time to really take stock of my life and keep it on the right path. It's incredible to me sometimes...I am a completely different person today than I was even a year ago. My life changed the day I finally said no to suicide and self injury, and became determined to live, no matter what. From there I healed incrementally. To the point that I began to live life and not just survive it.

Well, I need to grab lunch, more later. But know that...for the first time in a long time, I am beginning to feel an inner peace...and that just feels so damn good. I can smile and its a real smile. And I can really make a difference in this world...and especially on my campus. I'm excited for what the future holds.

Take care.
Erin, "Healing means having faith and committing to getting better. Healing means not giving up- having so much hope."

1-4-05
Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated...guess a combo of the laptop not working and broken finger and being home and...and...and...yeah you get the picture. Not sure what to write. Things have been going very well these past few weeks. Not even sure where to start. There are weird things going on at home with my mother...like she got a brain transplant and a heart because her behavior has changed somewhat. At times I'd catch glimpses of the woman who terrorized me, but then other times she was just...nice. Which trust me - is weird. No yelling...at all. Which is the weirdest thing...she may have raised her voice- but she never yelled and she never laid a hand on anyone. I will be analyzing this more and have updates.

But...overall my life is beginning to take shape. So much so, I have begun the process of considering what to do with therapy and when it ends. I won't go into this...for now I'm keeping those thoughts personal because it is complicated and there are just...a lot going on there that I need to deal with privately.  But just the mere mention of ending therapy is big enough for me.

On a lighter note and of good news- My research regarding Self Injury (part of the survey I conducted which many of you may have taken), has been accepted for a paper presentation at the annual APA (American Psychological Association). This is AWESOME for me...to have a paper presented at the APA...big, big deal. And it's on Self Injury- yet more exposure...and even better, with people in the field, and we know many of them need to be educated. At some point, after some revisions are made, I will put the paper up here.  I am currently working on part two of the study...and overall I have 400+ subjects. It rocks...more updates as they come in.

And I guess that is about it...I'm at my Dad's for my "vacation." I so love visiting him. I often think of all the time we missed...but I remind myself, maybe it was just the way things needed to be. He is here now and supports me through everything...and is teaching me a lot about unconditional love. I know no matter what in this world, even if friends fall away or some thing happens to other people in my life...at the end of the road, I will always have my father. And for me, that means the world. Things aren't perfect...but, we have a lot of years to make up for and are learning the fine art of communicating- I think it is difficult for both of us.

And so with that I'll head to bed. I will keep the updates forthcoming this week. I know A TON OF PEOPLE who have emailed me and not gotten a response...I apologize for that- with everything that has gone on...just...running out of time. I now have six therapy clients (for those that don't know, I'm an ABA therapist (a.k.a. behavioral therapist) for children with autism- and six is a lot...and I have a wait list and the in-demand therapist for my area)...and it's overwhelming me on some levels, especially since two of them...were sent to me as the last hope to get them going...however, another one of my kiddo's...that I have had for over two years- she is close to being out of therapy, really rockin and with just a glance or first look, you would think she was a regular kid. Oh that reminds me...need to write a report for her school- okay I am REALLY going now.

Take care.