Febuary 2005 Rants

2-23
Am I here?
Though what is here-
Part of the cycle, the illusion,
Another shattered mirror?

Am I here?
Where is this place-
My thinly veiled delusion,
The answer to my fears?

I've arrived at this place
Of few regrets and blade left behind.
A life on the mend,
Finally a woman with a face.

I feel alive and real,
Never to disappear again.
No breaks, just a bend,
And I learn how to feel.

Am I here?
Did I make it to someday-
Embracing my days
Surviving the trials and tears?

Am I here?
Has struggle finally ended-
Finally finding my own way,
Starting on a new frontier?

Someday is today.
I am home.
I am here.

2-23
To "get it" is not to find the easiest way. It's more like, the road less traveled. That path looks scarier because there is overgrowth, sticks and stones strewn about, all of the branches overhang and it seems so dark. But then you walk the path and it ends...and brilliant sunlight envelopes your whole being. You are "home." The "easy" path meanwhile is well traveled and it appears to be the safe route to go. And yet...when you arrive at the end, the rain begins pouring down and the dark clouds hang over you. You quickly run back through the path and try again...and again...and again. Until finally you are at the beginning of both paths again. And you see the road less traveled and decide it is time for change and see what happens...you take a step to the less traveled path. And the reward is sweet my friend, oh so sweet.

Though less traveled and at times more difficult, that path is the path that can heal and end the suffering. The "easy' path merely serves as an illusion and you suffer again and again, never getting the sun light to shine down and warm your entire being. It's scary going down the other path...but that path tells you its okay to be scared and to keep going and reap the benefits.

2-10
The following is a response to a question from a member of my support group (Second Chances): Is it worth really feeling things- the good and the bad? I think you know my answer- yes. And here’s why.

If I was numb…I wouldn’t feel the joy inside my heart…when I taught a five year old child to say her first words.
If I was numb…I wouldn’t feel the laugher inside my heart…when my little brother is his adorable self.
If I was numb…I wouldn’t feel so proud…when my other brother shines on the basketball court.
If I was numb…hearing the words, ‘my sister is the greatest,’ would have no effect on me or my mood.
If I was numb…holding Thomas in my arms…would not warm me in the least.
If I was numb…seeing Julia's smiling face and hearing a sarcastic word…would not touch me at the depths of my soul.
If I was numb…my face would never know a real smile.
If I was numb…my face would never feel a real tear.
If I was numb…the world would never see a real me.

If I was numb…I would never feel this real sadness inside…when I realize my therapy is done…and I won’t see Bobb anymore.
If I was numb…I would never grieve…the losses of my childhood.
If I was numb…depression would come again and again…because the pain and loss will never heal.
If I was numb…I see only this fog and no way out.
If I was numb…I’d have no empathy for others…and wouldn’t make such a great therapist personally ;-)
If I was numb…depression and dissociation would hide me…but at what cost? My life?

But you see…I am not numb.

Because I feel…I feel so much joy and happiness, more and more each day.
Because I feel…one bad day is no the end of my world- I know there are good days to come.
Because I feel…I can reach out to others and realize I am not alone in my feelings.
Because I feel…my heart swells with happiness in the presence of children.
Because I feel…Julia gets excited to work with me…she catches on to my feelings of love and happiness…and because of that- she learns and has overcome her autism.
Because I feel…I don’t settle for mediocrity…and my passion becomes a light for these children.
Because I feel…I taught a child her first word…saying nothing frustrated me and I pushed for more.
Because I feel…I’ve taught my brothers love- true love, unconditional love.
Because I feel...I know love myself- true love, unconditional love.
Because I feel…music touches me at the very depths of my soul.
Because I feel…my face knows a real smile.
Because I feel…my face finally knows a real tear.
Because I feel…the world now sees the real me.

Because I feel…I have seen the darkest dark.
Because I feel…I have seen my light inside flicker out.
Because I feel…Bobb was able to re-light my internal light.
Because I feel…I know how much a heart can be ripped to shreds.
Because I feel…I know what it’s like to be able to put that heart back together.
Because I feel…I felt depression unprotected and knocked at deaths door.
Because I feel…I finally healed from depression and closed deaths door for good.
Because I feel…I am beginning to grieve…and it hurts so much, incapacitating at times.
Because I feel…the grief has begun to heal me…I can move on.
Because I feel…the fog has lifted and now there is a dark…and a light- the light is my reward for going through it all.
Because I feel…depression and dissociation no longer cost me my life.

Because I feel…I have a life.
Because I feel…I have finally begun to heal.

I was numb for so long…so very long. And you know what it got me? Seven hospitalizations…a lot of scars…few friends and a fake family. And that was the way I lived my life. In this fog. This ugly fog and I would go round and round…never changing anything really…just coasting through life…because I thought the feelings were too much to handle.

”We are swimming with the snakes
At the bottom of the well
So silent and peaceful in the darkness where we fell
But we are not snakes and what's more
We never will be
And if we stay swimming here forever we will
Never be free"

And then I met Bobb…who would have none of that. For about a year, she just held my hand while I went through the motions and I continued to not feel and I continued to numb myself in what ever way possible. Until I remembered her question at some point, “are you ready to rock the boat.” And one night I made the decision that it was time. Obviously…numbing myself wasn’t doing a lot of good. I was going no where fast. Numbing myself was costing me my life. And I refused to do that.

"I heard them ringing the bells
In heaven and hell
They got a secret
They're getting ready to tell
It's falling from the sky
Calling from the graves
Open your eyes, boy, I think we are saved
Open your eyes, boy, I think we are saved
Let's take a walk on the bridge
Right over this mess
Don't need to tell me a thing, baby
We've already confessed
And I raised my voice to the air
And we were blessed
Everybody needs a little forgiveness”

And my last hospital visit, almost a month…but I felt…the feelings. I let go. My mother’s cold words…hurt me. They cut me to the bone and I let it. I cried for a day. I miss that cry, it felt so good. And I continued to hurt. I was in the blackest depression of my life…but suddenly things took on new meaning for me. I began really feeling about a year ago…and in that year…there is no denying my life has changed. I am almost out of therapy…and I have a life- the one I always wanted. And I think about where I was a year ago- in so much pain…hurting so much- I didn’t know how it could be worth it. But I had tried numbing, I had tried my old ways…and they always ended with the hospital, suicide or cutting. And then I took a chance and began feeling. Now I know why.

That is how I healed. I could finally grieve these losses…instead of having them always haunt me- I could move on…finally. And yes- it hurt so freakin much…but it gave me a gift…the gift of letting go.

And now I try to feel...and sometimes it is so damn hard. Like the hurt I’ve been feeling recently…of having to leave the woman I trust the most. It would be so easy just to turn of the feelings, pretend like saying goodbye to Bobb doesn’t hurt…but that would invalidate everything we’ve been through together. It needs to hurt…because my relationship with her helped me to heal…and saying good by is going to hurt.

"And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

Today my heart is big and sore
it's tryin' to push right through my skin
I won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinkin' in"

I remember not feeling…when I thought depression or dissociation was better than anything feelings had to offer. As Dar Williams wrote- I was in a winter machine:

Go ahead, push your luck
Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reigned my soul in tight

Well the whole truth
Is like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside

And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

And that was my life, day in and day out. So now tell me…is that a life? Is THAT worth it? Or instead:

Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

I have so many bad memories, it’s true. And I held them inside…pretending they didn’t exist or they didn’t hurt. Or that everything was always my fault- I was somehow inherently bad- that protected me from feeling hurt. But who did that hurt? My abusers? No…me. Not only did I survive abuse…but I never reaped the rewards of staying alive- seeing and feeling the good. Because feeling the good always meant one day I’d have to face the bad. And the memories in my head let me know just how bad it hurt. And if I felt the hurt, if I grieved…it meant I would also have to face the truth about everything that happened. And for 20 long years…that is what I chose to do.

A year later…a year of feeling…a year of happiness and tears…I know what I wish I had done sooner. Who knew that hurting could heal you? But it can. And man…the happiness I feel these days…don’t even compare to my darkest days (and they were dark). When I see Julia and we are working and she is learning…sometimes I am so happy I want to cry. Or the day a child said her first words…and I was a part of that. I am so passionate and because of that…I can accomplish so much- I can make a difference in this world. And because I feel…I am free to be me. I don’t have to hide…or pretend everything is fine…because it’s not. Would I ever choose to not feel again? No way…because life is sweet…and I never want to lose these feelings of happiness again. It set me free. I can heal.

Healing means having faith and committing to getting better. Healing means not giving up- having so much hope.

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