October 2005

10-31
I am going to go and get an assessment from the local hospital. I spoke to my trusted advisor, Sam. And we agreed that I did not want to die...but that I am having trouble keeping myself safe, and I am afraid of what happens at night when I have trouble keeping myself safe...like last night, wasn't entirely safe.

So I am doing the healthy thing, I am doing the couregous thing- I am getting help. I do NOT want to end my life because there is a lot of living left to do and I want to do it. The problem is in my mind...and how much it hurts. I want the pain to end.

So instead of ending the pain with suicide, I am ending it with some psychologists and a suicide testing type thing where they will help me put supports in place so that I can continue living.

We don't have to live with the pain of our lives. We can get help. That is what I'm trying to do. I'm not weak because I fell to these thoughts again. And one day, I will walk out of that hospital alive and well and ready to face the world again.

10-30
I am glad I have two cats. After three days of hissing and fighting, my two cats are getting along. One is named Anchor, but we call her "Annie." The other is named Echo...the shelter named her and Iiked it. Nothing like seeing the two of them laying together. Of course they like to pounce on each other and I think that is cute :-)

I have not been feeling well now for a while...and I think part of what keeps me here now is the cats. I'd have to find them some place to stay if I needed to go somewhere for a while.

And now I'm left wondering what I need to do...do I need extra help in getting better, or can I do it myself. Am I safe enough with myself. A leader has fallen today. Now I need to know if I am strong enough to ask for help...or if I will let shame and doubt bury me.

I swore it would never come down to this again...I have been doing so well...but I think that I also need to set an example...of both wellness and what to do if you are unwell. And medication. I now know 100% my life depends on these meds. I could not afford lithium for a week...after being bad about taking it for a month. Now I suffer the consequences. Depression is back like an unwanted old friend. My affect has grown numb...I don't want to be touched or talked to. I just want to lay around...and try and kick the bad images out of my head.

Life is sweet? Yeah I'm sure it is...but I can't find way anymore. Somewhere along the way, I got lost again. Except I don't have a maglite anymore...I am searching for answers and coming up with nothing. I have healed from the abuse from the past and so forth and so on.

So I have to ask myself now...is this all just the bipolar...the not taking meds?

10-30
"Acutally, it was only a part of myself I wanted to kill"...- Unholy Ghost

I am having trouble here. Looks like Kara and I are two pea's in a pod. I don't wonder though if it will affect my school...I know the hospital should come before anything else...I've done it before.

But I just don't know what to do. Is this a depression I can get out of alone? I know I have fucked things up because of meds. And now all I want to do is sit back in my old unit and rest for a while...get my meds straight again. I want to stop the violent images in my head. I want to stop this numb state I have found myself in.

I could barely talk to people...I just nod and smile. Poor Ted probably doesn't know what hit him...barely talking, don't want to be touched...etc.

And I really hate how I always swear to myself that...that I would never take another depression. That I would do the deed, because I can't stand falling to depression again and again and again. I keep thinking that my mind can only take so much.

But then I look at where I am...and I see the my mind did take it time and again. But why then...why in the height of my wellness...do I feel like this. Why do I continue fucking around with my meds, why do I continue to take on too much and why do I continue to let anxiety run my life.

Everyone sees me as so well. But they don't see the heart ache inside. How recently my mom ripped my heart into a million pieces again, and I have yet to put them back together...I just have a lot of logic in me, to show people how much it didn't hurt. I never thought I would be a good liar. I hate how much I worry about everything. I hate how my body sometimes reacts to my stupid meds that I'll take the rest of my life.

I hate when people see me as this wonderful woman doing so much good in the world...they don't see my face in my darkest moments...when I wish I didn't have so much responsibility because then it'd be easier to die.

They don't see me look at my pill bottle...look up the lethal dose...and take just below that amount...and wonder what I will do.

I don't know what to do anymore. People see me as this strong woman and they don't know how I can possibly fall. And then I feel so bad becaue I don't want them to see me fall- I am their hope. And so where is their hope...when I am gone.

10-29
”I have so far always recovered…Each episode takes its toll on the brain, erodes it that much more; bouncing back gets harder, and harder still.” - Unholy Ghost.

It is back. I am so depressed it's not funny anymore. I can't believe this is happening. Depression should not be visiting me anymore- I have a life, I have friends, I do good things.

And I'm suicidal. This is a big no no. I promised myself...suicide would never be an option...but I can't stop the violent images in my head. It plays over and over again and I can't get them to stop. So of course you think of the one way to get them to stop. This is bad...in the past I always acted eventually on the thoughts either through suicide or SIB. I can't do this- this isn't happening. I don't understand. I was doing freakin' awesome...the poster child of wellness...a recovered crazy person.

I think I may tell Ted to go home tonight and not stay with me- I can't stand him right now...he is super negative. He grumbles about my room which is not the neatest...especially after a hellish week. He complained about my new cats- cuz they ran around last night- but I was VERY excited...they were FINALLY playing together and now they like each other. And it was all ruined cuz he was getting so mad. I don't like that. He is too negative right now, picking on every little thing...about the cats running around playing together...about my room and it's current state...about being in a grumpy mood.

I've had enough. I am so unhappy right now. And I hate it. I HATE IT. This was not supposed to happen. I don't see my new therapist for a while, Nov. 10th. She's had a huge increase in sexual abuse survivors coming forward for counseling. It was only supposed to be short term anyway. Though she was worried about me.

I can't take this anymore though. That quote is right...it is harder and harder to bounce back. Though we all know me...eventually I will. But these are the times I am really scared. Not enjoying myself at all- not even a hundred percent in the presence of children. Tired. Sad. Angry. Depressed.

I want the pain to end. Again...I'm glad I don't have a gun, I might have shot myself by now. I can't take this anymore.

10-28
Well I thank a friend for the phone call, I got the message...and no hadn't gotten my meds yet! I will try to go to CVS and get some tonight. I did find Seroquel so that will help. I also am flat broke. So my bank account says 0 (well actually a negative number)...but two families paid me today and I am babysitting right now...so I will deposite the money tomorrow.

I swear...kids and cats get me through.

Ted comes in about an hour...I'm not looking forward to it. I am just going to tell him...I am not up for touching at all and if we were to engage in anything, I would regret it. I am too stresssed right now, and with that comes anxiety and not wanting to be touched.

To boot...this morning in infant/child class the topic was Abusive Families. The prof knows I was abused, we are very close...but she forgot I was not in class on Wed., cuz she announced the topic. She kept checking on me...but I said I was okay. But still...brought back unpleasant memories.

And the statement...I am an abused child. I come from an abusive background. Sometimes I forget because I am doing okay...and I know a lot of kids don't make it out okay. Granted some days I want to put a bullet in my brain...but is that abuse or is that bipolar.

I'm still down...going every which way...staying close to the things I hold most dear. The kids I love so much. I feel very blessed...especially that they are doing so very well.

I better go end this..going to play PlayStation...get some aggression out.

10-28
What a crappy day. I hate this. I have this loose cannon of a member in my club, and she did some things that were not sanctioned by the club...but we are getting in trouble for it now. I'm president so I have to suck it up and take the blame...for something I never wanted done.

And...we were trying to reach our administration...but they are the ones mad right now, so she set us back months, maybe even a year to reach those people. I am so angry right now. And I told her that...and she had the audacity to write the other officers about the tone of my email. I just laughed and wrote them back and said..I'm human and I have human emotions, no matter what position I may hold. Plus, I'm the one that holds this club together. But...oh how angry I am.

And I'm still mad at Ted, though he doesn't know it yet. See...in therapy with the new counselor I see about sexual abuse....he went with me and we set strict boundries. Then...next time we are together, he breaks virtually all of them!! So I'm hurt and angry.

Then I tried to do my school loans today...and I couldn't because the website is down. This could interfere with registering for classes.

And...I ran out of Lithium...three days ago...and keep forgetting to get more. You all know what that means.

Tonight I have to study for a test...so not much sleeping.

My cats are hissing...though right now they seem to be feeling each other out.

I just feel...I don't know. There is some anger...some hurt. I think sexual abuse really colors so much of my life right now. And I can't help but feel a little hopeless about. And just knowing the limitations of my disorder and whatnot.

I am glad I don't have a gun in my position, because I think I would have shot myself by now.

10-27
Well, I met yesterday with the vice principal of the local high school. She is going to let me come in with my mental health club Active Minds!! I start in Novemeber, and will meet in a group setting to talk about various issues.

Also, I will be a guest speaker at their health classes to talk about self injury, among other topics.

I may also be allowed in the middle schools. How sweet is this? I get to reach them so young and really get a discussion going about mental health.

I know this is going to be good. I also get to go into a group home next week for delinquent minors, to talk about self injury to the staff, and then talk to the two self injurers alone and see if I can reach them.

10-24-05
I have a new kitten named Annie. And in a few days I will have double trouble with a kitten named Echo that I am rescruing from a shelter. An animal shelter is a dangerous place when you care!

10-23-05
I am at my breaking point. I feel it. I am ready to lose it. My moods are not stable- my fault. My sleep is screwed- my fault. I have so much to do and so many depending on me. I feel the weight. I just feel not in the right mind. I know this because I just had a flash of me putting a gun to my head and wanting to pull hte trigger. I don't get like that until I am near a breaking point. It's like all of hte stress in the last few months are meeting for the first time and my brain can't take it. Does a brain have a maximum capacity for stress? What happens when you meet it?

This is why I will never live with a gun in my home. I have suicidal flashes not ideation. I won't do it. But these are the times I am most frightened- when I am most likely to do it. All of the times before it was planned and I told someone. These times I can see myself suddenly doing it and it'd be done.

I feel like crying a lot, but I never do. I wish I would. I feel like something is broken in me. But I don't know what. I've lost sight of me. I want Erin back- the real me- the me of the last 18 months. I want to look in the mirror again and see myself. I miss me.

I feel hopeless about my mom. That...it's finally over. I won't ever win her empathy. I won't ever have her love. Very depressing. She is 100% narcisstic. She matches the criteria, verified with other people she knows.

I feel hopeless abotu sex. It all feels wrong to me. ANd that hasn't changed yet or even close. Sexual abuse covers so much of my life. A life long job of dealing with the after effects.

And so I am scared- scared of where I am in my life. There are all of these good things and I think about that- but I keep getting angry, I keep getting sad...and I keep getting impulsive. I almost quit my job as President of my mental health club Active Minds, despite the awesome work we do and the fact we are going into the High Schools next week. But I was angry at the conduct of this one member, which was then dealt with at a meeting of the officers...but I was still angry. And this is not healthy.

I am getting a kitten today, saving it from a family that is too allergic. And that is nice. Maybe I will have something better to say tonight. For now...I'm scared of myself.

10-12
Everyone keeps asking me if I am okay. I kept saying yes. But as one person close to me remarked- it's when you keep saying okay that I know there might be a problem. I don't think I'm at the problem stage yet, but there was some truth in what she was saying. This must be how I know how her son feels sometimes- I work with him, he has Asperger's...and we work a lot on his anxiety issues.

So, am I okay? I think I am going to answer no. No, I am not doing okay, or as well as I had been doing. I am still taking my meds (thought I have noticed more missed days) and I am eating, and I am sleeping. I go to class, I go to work and all the other million things I have to do.

But there is a deep sadness residing in me. For about a year, I worked hard on my relationship with my mom. To the point I actually enjoyed calling her almost every day. Then...just like in the past...everything changed. I did a local news report on Self Injury and it will air in November. When my mother first got this news, she told me that if I did not pull the report, I was to come home, get my things and never return home again.

I decided to stand up for what I believe in, and I was going to let the report air. After all...I did that report for people like her- who shame people who have suffered from mental illness or a crappy coping mechanism. At different times throughout my life I have had to stand up for what I believe in. This was by far the biggest test I ever encountered regarding my beliefs. Because, I was risking losing my little brothers who are everything to me.

For four days I was in torment. Knowing the decision I made, and know what I was going to lose. I made a choice to be a mental health advocate and to make part of my life public. And I stood by that choice. Despite the immense pain it caused me inside.

I still don't think that I have fully realized how much pain I have been in. I have wanted to break down and cry at some many different times...but something always seems to stop me- probably because I have had to do so much recently.

I know though, I had to have been in immense pain because I called my old counselor Bobb, and I swore I would never ever do that. But I guess...my worst nightmare happened- the prospect of losing my brothers for a while- the brothers I have loved and protected since I knew they had been conceived. Maybe I love one or two of the kids I work with like that...but my brothers are...I don't even know the word. I would literally do anything for them, lay my life on the line, drop everything if they needed me. I hoped that my Mother's threat was hollow...or that one day my brothers would understand why I did what I did and be proud of me.

So for about four days...I had everyone around me tell me how proud they are of me for the decision I made and think I was doing all these great things...and all I could think about was my brothers faces and all the great times we had. I barely heard what everyone else was saying. I think...I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

Brothers aside, there was the mother issues. I have talked to countless mothers and my own father...and you just don't disown you child because they stand up for what they believe in. Yet here my mom is...saying that she wants nothing to do with me for a couple minutes of TV time where I am discussing self injury. How twisted is that? So what did the whole last year mean? Nothing? I worked so damn hard to reach her and get to the point that we were talking often and it was good. And it was all thrown away in a second.

So now I'm starting from square one again, though with more information. And I have been socked with the fact that my mother will NEVER be the mother that I want her to be. I thought there was hope in the last year, at least she could be close to it...we could at least like each other. But now I know. She can turn on a dime. She does not truly care about me in the way that a mother should- I'm either the good daughter that she'll brag to other people about...or she keeps me around because it would hurt my brothers too much. I have really no other function in her life. That's not easy to realize either.

See, the tears want to fall now, yet they don't.

So, where do I stand now? I have received a phone call from my mom. I think my oldest little brother badgered her about his birthday coming up this week...so she called and told me that he was expecting me to be there and to call and let her know if I would attend his party. She also said we needed to talk- no shit. I have yet to return her call...simply because I have no idea what to say to her, other than that of course I'll be there. I have a five page letter I am getting ready to send her. It's five pages of pain- of what it was like for me in the last five years, to live through this bipolar, self injury and realization of past sexual abuse. Some that have read it think that I am opening myself up maybe too much. That if she doesn't accept me after this, I will be crushed. But...I have a wall up. This letter...if it can reach her great...if not, honestly I don't care. She could not hurt me more than she already has.

What else hurts? As I am going through all of this...time does not stand still. There are issues with my kids that crop up and that has been hard. Though, I've had great news about a couple of my kids. School has been rough. Latin gives me a panic attack every other day that I have it. I have to take Xanax every day to be around people. I have a lot of work to do for an experiment for my Psych Lab class. I have my midterm due for my graduate class. And then there is my club on campus that I run. This week there are to be several articles pertaining to my club or myself. It might cause waves in the administration. Already I had a rough meeting with the head of psych services...me telling them they aren't reaching the students well enough...and having her tell me that I could not do some things. The meeting still does not sit well with me. I don't understand why they aren't doing more- why they asked ME to come up with new ideas to reach students. What the hell was their doctorate degree for??

And then meeting social demands...my anxiety is really festering- and I need time to unravel it...but I don't seem to have the time. Ted has been a good boyfriend, but I know I am walking a thin line with him right now. He does go to therapy with me tomorrow and that scares the shit out of me. I have to say...it was always nice hiding behind the "sick" card...as for as healing sexually. Meaning I could hide behind the abuse so I do not have to get well and actually have to face these issues. It all still scares the shit out of me.

I can talk readily about the sexual abuse these days, no problem. But then...thinking about having a healthy, normal sexual relationship with the man I love scares the absolute shit out of me. Partly because...I can't be intimate without thinking bad thoughts or being super triggered. I can't image that sex can equal a good thing. Sigh.

Am I okay? No...I'm out there trying to save the world, or at least my college....but inside I am really hurting. I need to take time...but while I slow down in one area...another area needs attention. Everyone compliments me on how much I accomplish and how awesome I am doing...but just like always...I have my secret pain. But these days, there is no self injury, there is no suicide...there are no maladaptive coping mechanisms. I really do just keep it inside right now. I don't know what to do with it.

I have felt like a zombie these last few days. When people ask me if I am okay...I want to say, what the hell do you think? Oh yippee, I am so strong for standing up for what I believe in...but my heart bleeds. People have NO idea how strong I really have had to be. No idea. And what am I trying to prove? I don't even know anymore. But I am a person who stands by her convictions and her decisions. Now...I hope people realize the price that sometimes must be paid for those thoughts.

In a way, I feel free- I know where I stand on things, and when you think that you have lost everything (brothers)...you feel so much freer to do so much more...like take on a colleges administration.

But...I don't like how I feel in the dark. I don't like how I feel when I am alone. This is not right. And now I know I need to do some soul searching. But for now...I'll be content that I at least have a relationship with my brothers. And I now must face my mother, though she is so unstable right now...it will be hard. I will do all my school work and make it to Latin Class. I'll continue running my club and trying to reach students in need and do the anti-stigma campaign. I will do my best for all of the kids I work for.

But somewhere, sometime...I need to say, I will take care of my heart. Then...I know I will be okay.

Anchor

When I was an anchor I was cast an angry sea,
Lost upon the sandbar I would hold my injuries,
And I kept them in a harbor and my life was rust.
Then I heard the stress of the steel, the groan of the weight,
The hard metal squeal, the snap of the chain.
Now I’ve come to know the sound of letting go.

When I was a prison I had locks on every door,
I kept my wounds in iron the captives of my war,
And I stood like a fortress and my life was dust.
Then I heard the stress of the steel, the groan of the weight,
The hard metal squeal, the snap of the chain.
Now I’ve come to know the sound of letting go.

A crack in my armor--the waters rush--
Then I heard the stress of the steel, the groan of the weight,
The hard metal squeal, the snap of the chain.
Now I’ve come to know the sound of letting go
Now I’ve come to know. . . letting go.
- Performed by Laurie Rose Griffith and Peter Mealy-
www.laurieandpeter.com

10-3

And watching you go, it's like spying on hope
Ever onward with more to burn
Giving your hands and your heart to the wheel of the world
Though it fights each turn
But you do not give up so easily
It's how I know you won't surrender me
You rise and meet the day

I haven't posted up here in a while. Not sure why exactly. No, that's not all true, I've been super busy the last few weeks- even more than I can handle at times. Last week I was interviewed for ABC news, for the weekend edition of their news. Yep, I was on national news. That still has not sunk in. I did not report that here...because I need to keep my anonymity...not for me, but for the children I work with, the professors I am close to, and the counselor that saved me. I don't want my full identity disclosed, nor where I live...for the safety of them. But, a few close friends from SC saw it and liked it. It was mainly me talking about depression and being on a college campus.

The reporter wanted me to think back to my Freshman year...and that was hard. I got to thinking...I'm 22 years old now. And to think about where I was four years ago at 18 years old. That was hard.

And it struck me. I have risen and met the day every day. Even when I swallowed too many pills or cut too deeply...somehow I was always alive to meet the day. Something inside me always wanted to live. Bobb would say it was my heart :-) It's weird...I look back at my life, and I can't believe it anymore. When I read the stuff from when I was "sick," it does feel like me at all. I guess that goes with being "well." I can't believe how sick I was and the fact that I made it. I was hospitalized seven times in three years. Been on more meds than I can count, many years of counseling. And wanting to die more days than not.

Yet here I am- successful on just about every front I have tried. I have been changing lives as a result of what I have been through. I look back to my posts last week...and I think that I should be glad I have these kind of problems today (time management) versus the problems of the past (suicide). It's just like...holy fuck I made it.

I had a heated discussion with my mom before the news piece aired. She still maintains I should have stayed home my freshman year if I had so many problems. And I spoke back...saying that look at me now though and how successful I am...I had it rough, but the fact remains I made it. So no, I should never have stayed home. But I remember saying to her...that I made it, look how successful I am. And she read in my eyes, that I did it alone without her help. Because that is exactly what happened. I say it so strong these days- I made it. It finally is such a miracle to me, as Bobb once stated. Somehow or another, I made it...and not only that, but I've turned the tables around- and I now help others struggling to live every day. When I embark on something, I don't do it half ass...I go full throttle all the way.

My next battle? The administration at my school. ABC toned down the critical shots at my school...but I will go to the school paper or city paper and be heard. I want them to begin the process of change before I leave this school. As I said in the interview...I don't want other students to have to go through what I did.

So yeah...I rose and met the day...and I continue to meet the day...and I like that :-)