June 2005

6-23
Well, weeks have passed and I'm still doing well. Though I know another good use for therapy- some good ole fashion ass kicking. Used to be that if I screwed up majorly, I knew I had to face Bobb, and often times that was enough to set me straight. Now I have just myself to look in the mirror and somehow that is not as bad haha. Don't know if that is good or bad!!

I messed up my sleep pretty badly and now I am fighting hard to get it back to normal- and I was so good for so long. Part of the reason is the weekends- I used to spend Saturday sleeping for at least 12 hours...that is just time I need- to recharge my batteries after a long week. I've realized that my weeks are not only phyiscally exhausting but mentally...I have fully embraced being a behavioral therapist for these kids in a way I never could have before, while healing myself. And now I am more mentally exhuasted than usual. These kids are making rapid gains and I need to keep up. Plus I am taking a class...which I got an "A" in!! So my mind is going a hundred miles an hour.

So I did a potty training that was the first of my slip-up's...then with my boyfriend Ted, he always starts to wake me after eight hours, because he knows I need at least that (and no I am not "sleeping" with him in the sense of having sex...we really are just sleeping)...but I keep telling I need more...but he always seems to still wake me up. I've tried to be nice about it, getting up after eight hours...but I think its boundary time and he needs to know I am serious- I really do need 12 hours if he wants me to function like a normal person.

I think he gets me...to a point. He ONLY knows me while I am happy and healthy...not the dark side...not the side I struggle to stay far away from. I think I need to sit him down and really talk to him. While I am happy and healthy...that does not negate the fact that I am mentally ill- I have an illness that is treatable, and I work my ass off to keep myself happy and healthy. And when one thing go, it is like a domino effect. I don't live as a "typical" person lives and I am fine with that...now he needs to understand that. I need my own space, my own sleep and my own time...if he wants me to stay like this.

On the same note...I am learning my own limits. I had a schedule down and then got too comfortable in it- I let things slide. Now I feel the effects- always tired ,room a mess, behind in my class...just enough energy to keep the kids up. But that changes starting tomorrow- a new day.

And so there is the difference between the old me and the healed me. I don't need therapy to talk about how I screwed up my schedule or what I need to do to get back on track. I know when I need boundaries in a relationship and how to function in a relationship. I can do therapy on myself hehe. And though my time with Bobb is through...doesn't mean she is gone from my head, from my heart. She is there every day...I can hear her voice, what she would say. Some may say that is weird...but you know, in the past it was my abusive parents voice in my head...so I feel damn sane with a voice like Bobb's in there if you ask me :-)

And I have the music- in my room, on my computer, in the lab, in the car- everywhere except when I'm with the kids- and then I don't need it. I find comfort and peace in the music.

Peace...something I now "get." I feel it often enough now- well not this week heh...but at least one day out of every week. Pretty good for a girl who never felt peace in her entire life. I am still hyper vigilant, but in a different way. Life is just pretty good. My birthday this week is evident of that- I am on speaking terms with BOTH sets of parents, I have a boyfriend I actually like and my best friend from Michigan is flying in, and my best friend here already took me out for my birthday. I have a job I love and I am doing well in a summer class. A complete turn around from last year. Best birthday in a while.

So I've talked about the good...what about hte bad this week? I feel less inclined to talk about that. My sleep was all messed up, and I'm on my way to fix that. For whatever reason I've had a few missing Bobb thoughts. And...I had some SI urges...weird I know. But comes with the territory. In some way, I was thinking that I missed the pain. But then I worked it out in my head- I had slipped on sleep and on school and on my room...and my old voice came in and wanted to cause me pain for failing. But using my mastery of cognitive distortion untwisting- I realized this was my first major slip in a loooong time...and I congratulated myself on keeping it together for so long and vowed to get better. I am solution focused instead of problem focused. And then poof...gone are the SI urges for hte most part. I'm glad I stopped rolling my eyes about CD work. Good job self.

I'm good at self reinforcing too ;)

And with that I should sleep. I have a whole lot of work tomorrow. A few miracles to witness with the kids...and some research meetings...and some room cleaning. All in all...life is sweet...and so much more :-D

6-7
I just need to write. A lot of people call my healing miraculous, and now am living a pretty good life, and feel healed. And some think I might have it easy now. But every few months I am reminded that yes I still have my disorders and that I have to work awfully hard at staying this way.

Two nights ago, I stayed up all night- and I still don't know why. I rented a movie, and a video game. And for whatever reason, instead of getting my work done that needed to be done- I just played around, played x box for hours and watched my movie at 3am. I didn't really go to bed. And I paid for it- couldn't pay attention in class and felt awful. Last night I should have gone to bed- that is no CD, but reality. But instead I stayed up to help my friends.

Now the problem does not lie in last night helping my friends...the problem lays with the night before when I had not reason to stay up, other than being defiant. It is so easy sometimes to let myself go- to forget meds, to stay up late, to not do the things I need to do. Same thing last weekend- I am a person that must get like 12 hours of sleep Friday night to Sat afternoon- that is when I recharge- I didn't get that, even though inside me, I knew I needed it. I just ignored that feeling.

So last night I go to bed at 2:30, set my alarm for 5am. I never heard it- all three alarms. I got up at 10:40 (missed my morning kid)...called his mom and went over anyway, so we could at least discuss his programming. And I missed class.

But because of my bad decisions...a child missed out on some therapy. And I'm sitting here exhausted and mad at myself. But I do not concentrate on the anger or blame...I concentrate on what I can do better...which means early bed tongiht, do my HW now while I have a break.

Yes...it is WONDERFUL to be healed...but I never really stop working at it. Some things are easier...but I have to be careful and remember to do the things that need to be done. Does that suck? Hell yeah, but instead of focusing on that anger- I look and see what is good- the fact that I experience happiness and joy...and even more, I am helping the children. I think to feel the way I feel now- the good stuff - it is worth the hard work, the responsibility. It takes a lot of responsibility to be this healed- it means I have to be aware of myself and how I am doing constantly and fine tune everything. Healing is very much the hard thing to do...but it's rewards are sweet indeed. There is a song I keep thinking about, posted below this.

So yeah...even us healed people can fuck up. I'm proof of that. But the point isn't fucking up...it's getting up and trying again- looking at what you can do to improve your situation and learn from it. Yeah it's a sucky day...but in the grand scheme of my life...one sucky day does not hold a lot of power, but rather the days I wake up so happy. I say bring on the hard work...I can do it...because my life does mean so much.

Now...time for me to go do some work and take my meds...and get back on the healthy track- because that is within my power! Love you guys. And I'm sorry if there are emergencies tonight, but I must take seroquel at 10 and be in bed by 11...just a heads up.

Faithless World
We are all travelers here,
In this place of many wonders, in this place of tears,
Keep swimming up the river, this is your work to do,
There's a lesson to be learned, nobody can learn it but you,
Oh why must I keep grieving so, and how much further must I go!

In a faithless world, they took my pride,
In a faithless world, they took my voice,
In a faithless world, love slips away,
Faithless world.

I've been here many times before,
Standing at this crossroad, looking out this door,
Every breath could be your last,
Your next move is gonna be your past,
Perhaps I never saw his face, when he was with me in this place,

In a faithless world, they took my heart,
In a faithless world, they took my child,
In a faithless world, love slips away,
Faithless world.

Suffering is not punishment for the evil,
For it would be wasted on them,
Suffering is for the enlightened,
So they may remember what they already know,
All these things have happened to you,
So you'll know just what to do,

In a faithless world, they took my house,
In a faithless world, they took my child,
In a faithless world, love slips away,
Faithless world.
- Rory Block
*Italics or bold are my insert.

6-3
This is in reply to a question that a member of SC asked me, that I have been thinking about:

Do you think that you'll always (generally) wake up happy? I mean, I know that there will always be some bad days thrown in with the rest, but do you think that the way you are happy now is the way that you'll stay?

In my heart of hearts I truly believe that I will generally wake up this happy. I have many reasons to back this up of course :-)

The first deals with my thinking. In the past it was so distorted and I was not living in reality. Just a distorted illusion. I did the CD (cognitive distortion) work and worked on this with my counselor and now today I am very much living in reality...and my thoughts are untwisted. In any given day, yes I am always working on keeping my thoughts rational, using the CD work. I am now at a point where it is very much internal and now often times those rational thoughts are my first thoughts. This changed the whole way I lived life and dealt with crisis. Now when a crisis comes along I manage it quite nicely, using everything Bobb taught me.

Second..my past. My past was very painful and very abusive and I didn't know how to live while feeling all that pain. But mostly I learned...it is all in my past- it already happened and there is nothing I can do to prevent what happened, all has been said and done. Instead, I can focus on healing from it. So I focused on my family...and miracle of miracles I was able to change my family along with myself...or more importantly I learned how to live without their approval- but just for myself. Once that happened, everything became better because my family stopped trying to control me, but accepted their new position in my life. I lived life on MY terms, not theirs...and that will never change. I no longer shoulder the blame for the sexual abuse- that is big...but I place it on my cousin, the abuser. And yes, I still have memories that don't add up...but you know what, if they ever come back I know I can deal with them- it is not my fault, I was just a child trying to survive and did whatever it took. I do still have intimacy problems and that crops up with my now boyfriend...but we are working on it together and its becoming less and less of an issue. So I did really and truly heal from my past...it can't hurt me that badly anymore, except for here and there...when those bad days crop up.

Third- my disorders- I have Bipolar and ADHD...those are chemical rather than emotional. I fought changing my life style and taking my meds...but when I finally realized how much it helped, my life has been better. By taking control, I make sure I wake up happy every day. I take my meds when I'm supposed to and correctly...I sleep very well now, I eat very well and I just take care of myself and my surroundings. This has dramatically improved everything in my life- my moods don't fluctuate too much and life is manageable.

Fourth- I have a job I love. I know my place in this world- to live and help these children. Since I have been well and out of therapy, I can concentrate my energy on healing these children fully, and not spend half that energy on myself. And because of that I cannot wait for the light of each day to see what can happen with these children.

Fifth- I have a life. I have several close friends, a family and a boyfriend. For once in my life I have a support structure in place...and that is not going to change. Even if I lose a boyfriend or a friend here and there...the fact remains that I know how to make friends and keep them and I know there are other fish in the sea with regards to boys. And I know how to handle my family to keep them there. This knowledge will not change.

Basically, I know I will be this happy because I made LASTING changes. They are not just band aids, like self injury once was. I did change my thought process, I learned coping mechanisms. I learned how to live. And as Bobb would say, I got it and it can't be un-gotten. I cannot just suddenly UN-learn how to maintain a healthy lifestyle because I have finally done it. And because of that...I know how to keep it that way.

The dark days will return at times, I am sure, when I let one thing go or another, or if my chemistry changes as it may as I get older or have children. But by and large I now have the knowledge to fix everything. I have awesome CONTROL over my life now and I love it. How I feel is contained in a Jann Arden song, Saved, which I'll post in a minute.

I am here to stay this happy because of all the work I put into making lasting changes. And I am in control of how healthy I am, or will be. No longer do I sit on the sidelines and just let things happen- I am an active participant in my own healing. And that is what awesome counseling gets me. I knew I could leave therapy because I was being my own therapist- I knew what I needed to do, and what is more- I was going to do it. And that makes all the difference in the world.

So yes...I firmly believe that I am standing at the beginning of the rest of my life, with a few dark days, but mostly some kickass good ones. Life is sweet...and so much more.

6-2
It is so weird to me to wake up happy every day. But I do it. I cannot wait to wake up each morning and get to work. Today, another breakthrough with a child.

When I got to Nicholas' house today his mom was filling me in and said he still needed a prompt for saying "I want ___." and that if she said, "Use your words" he would just repeat that phrase back. So I looked at her and said...give me an hour.

An hour later I walked upstairs from the therapy room with him and he was saying "I want ___" like crazy with no prompt or he would say it if you said "use your words." It was soooo cool. Now he has caught on and is saying it like crazy to get things- so freakin cool. Also, last Thursday she said she wanted him to learn his farm animals. So by Friday I had taught him Cow and it says moo. Today he learned Pig and then he learned Duck and that a duck says Quack. :-)

The biggest thing today: Nicholas has not wanted to say his name for a long time- just won't do it. I finally got him up to saying "Nick." Well today I finally got him to say what everyone else calls him "Nichol." So if you say "What is your name" he says "Nichol." His mom is in heaven...we didn't think we'd get him to say that for a while...but for whatever reason we connected today and I figured out how to connect with him to get it. So now he knows his name and age!!!

And so driving to his house this morning...I was just thinking how cool it was to want to wake up every morning and how just plain happy I am. And that I know...everything is going to work out. I have these little pills that keep me in check and I think that is a small price to pay to stay even and live life. Will the dark times come back? I doubt it...and if they do, to a much lesser degree.

Because I finally embrace the fact that I have been given a gift most do not have- I can reach these children with autism. The things I think of are natural to me...I don't have to work at it...or think too hard...the answers come naturally to me- it's weird to explain. But when I'm with a kid, I just know how to teach them...therapy with them is all about learning how they learn- and then you can teach them. I just understand...in a way that can't be learned.

And so...I embrace this gift and I know my place in this world above all else. And to harness this gift- that means I too must be healthy and live a healthy happy life. So...I am in awe right now...that just over a year ago- I was clinging for life- so sure my number was up and it was time to die. And now...here I am...anxiously awaiting each new day, and each new miracle. Getting here was not easy- it was the hardest fight of my life and I went through some dark times...but I fought hard...and won. I got myself here and I can finally pat myself on the back for that- I never got comfortable staying depressed or suicidal...I always knew there was more. And I kept going until I got it. I had hope...I believed. And found that if I believed long enough...I could do it, I could make it. No matter how hard it got, somewhere in me- I just simply believed that one day things would be okay.

And that meant taking my meds regularly- getting my life in order. It meant I had to do more than just "think" about getting better...I had to "do" it. That took a ton of hard work...to make myself into this whole new person- but it was worth it, oh it was worth it.

So here I am...happy, healthy...and working with the kids, experiencing miracles every day. I now think of the years lost and the dark times...and I honestly now believe it was a small price to pay...to experience the joy I now feel. These kids are more incredible than anything...and they have worked just as hard as me, if not harder, to get well- and they don't even understand why right now. There is the strength and courage- in those children. And I am now a part of helping them get their life back...how cool is that and how rewarding.

Time for bed now (I can't even stay up to midnight anymore!), so I can work with the kids tomorrow...I know its going to be great.

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