July 2005

7-18
I'm on my way to bed, but I had some GREAT news about Bailey. I talked to his mom tonight (tonight is his night off from therapy with me heh).

So they were riding in the car today and the car was dead silent...and out of the blue he goes, "baba"...so of course they give him one and he takes it...then she said he giggled, like he was waiting for them to say "yeah, great job" and all of that verbal praise...so they did and then he drank his bottle.

If that is not evidence of him knowing what his first word is...I don't know what is :-) I work with him tomorrow night and I can't wait. I can't believe it is really happening. Brings tears to my eyes. I just can't get over it- he was mute...not a peep out of this boy until therapy with me...and now here he is requesting his bottle and actually waiting for his praise :-) I just...can't even comprehend this. I don't even know how to. This goes back to what my counselor once said to me when I asked her how she was speechless once,

"So, you've worked with this child for a long time, and the child is
great--you see his intelligence, his spunk, his desire to please, his desire
for connection. You see his strengths--and the depth of his need. You've
seen his pain, his struggles. And then one day, he gets it, and he shows you
that. And you see that he gets it in a way that can't be un-gotten.

And you are speechless because of the lump in your throat, and the welling
of joyful tears, and you are awed with the honor of having had the
opportunity to be a part of the process that got him there.

And when you experience that, you know how I became speechless."

I know now how she became speechless...I totally know now :-) Another thing to "get" and not be "un-gotten." Lord, I love being a therapist...and it I am settling an ongoing debate of mine...is it better to be the miracle or witness the miracle. It is undoubtably better to witness the miracle...there are just no words to describe, or perhaps Bobb said it best above I think :-)

Night.

7-16
So...Bailey has always given me hope and inspiration and I figured we coul all use a little of that in our lives. Thus, I'm writing this rant- called Bailey's Progress. To recap this remarkable young boy...I'll update often.

When his mom was seven months pregnant with him, she was hit by a tractor trailer and her whole left side of her body was crushed. Bailey seemed un-harmed and he went full term pregnacy. However, she was shot with so many drugs, who knows how it affected him.

At 9 months old, Bailey ceased his baby babbling, eye contact and any sense that there was a little boy in there. He became mute and all day would either stare at a TV or stare at a wall all day...only sitting up or sleeping. He never smiled, never laughed, didn't make a noise if he cried. He was diagnosed with severe autism at 36 months.

At 2 and half I began therapy with him. The very first night, I got him to imitate my actions...and once while I was speaking with his parents...he sat down on his own, tapped the table and looked at the TV screen- he did that so I would turn his movie back on. And that is how I knew he was not retarded...and in fact was very intelligent. I told his parents right then and there that he would talk and I never doubted that statement- though my boss and everyone else thought I was nuts.

I have worked on and off with him- we missed quite a few months for various reasons- but he made steady improvement. He began to babble with him and started playing with all of his family members and his toys. He showed affection (especially with me and his parents)...and then came the day he finally laughed. I sat him on a counter before we were off to go somewhere, and just was tickling him and he erupted in laughter...I'm sure that is what an angel sounds like when laughing. He hasn't stopped since then.

His progress slowed for a time...mainly due to some other bad therapists...and bad programming by my supervisor which I still haven't forgiven her for. About six months ago, I was given full responsibility over his program and I am his only therapists and I work with him every night.

About four months ago, he finally began repeating sounds after me, when we play. Two months ago...I taught him how to feed himself and he has gotten even happier and "talks" even more.

Two nights ago...Bailey said "baba" for his bottle. Yesterday, he said "baba" THREE times, with at least once being specifically for his bottle. Today...he has said it several times, repeating after his parents...though he doesn't always want his bottle...it is a start and he is so close.

He also will repeat "mmm" for more, "yeah" "yum" and "hi." More and more frequently he will just repeat it after me, which is what I've been working toward. I always believed...and now its coming true.

Sometimes, when I am in my darker moments these days...it brings a smile to my face knowning...that there are miracles out there. Bailey is one of them. And now I truly see the effect I have on a kid...a child's life. If I were to give up on me...I would give up on him and I can't do that to him.

I think it makes us all think about...what effect do we truly have on this world...and when you lose all hope one night- come and read this story. Bailey was mute...there are in fact very, very few children who are mute...that actually begin to make words one day. Everyone told me he wouldn't talk, his parents were losing hope...but I believed- I saw the fire in his eyes...and his soul spoke to mine. Now a miracle is happening before my eyes. Here I will begin to chronicle it...because I think we all need to be reminded that miracles do happy- your life can matter.

Because think about it...without you all and Second Chances (support group I run on MSN), and MOST especially my counselor Bobb...I may not be here today...you all saved me from the depths of my depressions many times...so in a way, you have helped Bailey, and you have helped his miracle. There really is a circle of life...and a circle of healing. You don't know the effect you can have on one person...even just one time.

So...I can't wait to see what will happen tomorrow with Bailey...and I will fall to my knees and thank God when he says his first word consistently...and I will thank everyone that has ever helped me...because I am a product of their support, as Bailey is a product of mine. And he is...a product of unfailing belief and hope...just as I have unfailing belief and hope in all of you. Never forget that.

7-14
Tonight...Bailey said "baba" for bottle...for the SECOND night in a row. Last night it took him about an hour for him to repeat "baba" for me and get his bottle. Tonight he was just sitting down feeding himself his dinner and when he was done he goes 'bababa." Like holy f*ck.

This from a child who was mute three years ago, and stared at a wall. Now he plays with his toys, interacts with those around him, babbles a ton...and now says "baba." I think we are finally getting a word.

This is why I lived. Why I have always fought to live. If I gave up on msyelf, I'd be giving up on them. So many of us here have wonderful gifts for this world...we should use it...abusers and those that want to hurt us be damned. We can be healthy...we never know the impact we may make on someone elses life. Now...my life is more than just me....but it is very much about these children.

My miracle is coming true...Bailey will talk...just as I always believed from the first day that I met him. That is a natural high no mania could ever give me. A mute child talking...what a miracle...what a life :-)

Life is sweet...and so much more. And more prayers for Bailey :-)

7-12
This was a post to my website...thought I'd throw it up here on my rants.
This is how I feel right now, in a great poem by Jane Kenyon.

Credo

Pharmaceutical wonders are at work
but I believe only in this moment
of well being. Unholy ghost,
you are certain to come again.
Coarse, mean, you'll put your feet
on the coffee table, lean back,
and turn me into someone who can't
take the trouble to speak; someone
who can't sleep, or who does nothing
but sleep; can't read, or call
for an appointment for help.

There is nothing I can do
against your coming.
When I awake, I am still with thee.

But you see...there is so much you can do. When you say you've tried everything to not cut...that is a CD (cognitive distortion)- overgeneralization...I doubt you tried all 65 alternatives on this site, done all the CD work. Healing takes work. Make no mistake about it- it is not easy.

When I went to Bobb...she did not show me the easy path, but the hardest one to follow, but she promised there would be joy at the end...and there was/is. Yeah, I feel shitty tonight. I want to crawl up into a ball and wish my worries away. But when I awake at 6am, they will still be with me. I have to DO something about them, and I will. I'm taking this night out for me...and will start to find solutions to my problems tomorrow.

But make no mistake about it...healing is the hard route...cutting and suicide is what is easy. But at the same time...so many are fighting to die or cut...when you just need to surrender to healing and life. When you stop fighting against yourself so much...the healing comes easier. Bobb and I used to comment that the only thing in my way to healing was...me. I was a large presence that blocked me getting better...but I chipped away...and finally had a clear path and went along quickly.

But I'm so tired of "can't's" or "i've tried everything" or "being dead is better" or any other variation. And I'm tired of "sorry"- no one ever needs to be sorry to me...so if anyone posts a sorry I will not be happy. Show me with your actions- be well, use other coping mechanisms. There is not sorry here...I do not judge, only offer my help, this boards help. And no more can'ts...I don't let Julia use that word...I sure as heck won't let ya'll.

You can do this...just believe in yourselves like I do. Please. You can have a shitty day or night...and still wake up okay. I'm doing that...I hurt bad tonight for so many reasons that I don't care to discuss. But I don't turn to the blade...I learned other coping mechanisms...I go the hard route. Life has never been easy for me...why start now ;-)

But seriously...I'm off to sleep off my shitty night and try again in the morning...without suicide and without cutting...cuz frankly, they have no bearing on my life anymore and I'm all the better for it. Not to say I don't weather those storms...I still do, but that is what they are- storms that pass. "this too shall pass."

Okay, off my soap box rant...I might delete this if um...others aren't too keen on it. But hey, I'm all seroquel'ed up...and ready to sleep and stressed and frustrated...so this is my rant.

7-2
I thought that...after all my time being well, some things would go away. I was severely wrong and now I am paying the price. I am pretty sure I was manic for a while, maybe a few weeks. I am even more sure because my mom- who is not on board with the whole mania/depression thing- said I was acting like I was manic. And now I see my behavior the last few weeks- what I remember of it...and I see my post below ("So my mind is going a hundred miles an hour.") and that should have been a clue- but somehow I missed it.

But sometime Thursday night I faced the reality of my situation and realized...it all was fucked up. My sleep was disasterous and I was really exhausted. I had been eating 'crap' instead of my normal health food stuff...and I had forgotten my meds more times than I remembered. And so I see the behavior that borders the "high" side. And now I am sad, that once again...I was on the losing side of my disorder.

However...this trip into madness did not end with a hospital visit. It ended with me realizing what was going on and changing my behavior. I took this weekend "off." I'm spending it with myself, getting sleep back in order, eating again and taking the meds. I'm putting my life back together. And for once I don't need therapy to help me do this. Though...I see where it was nice talking some things out. When I went to therapy- I could say anything...and while I really really really really want to talk to someone right now...there are not a lot of people I can be completely honest with. I want to tell them I am having urges...the violent visions I see in my head right now...but I always fear if I put words to those images, those urges...it may have effects on them as well- like they won't see the need to get better...if lingering urges remain. I want to prove to people that you can beat SI and you can beat your disorder...but I know when I was in a depressive state, if I saw someone healed still having urges...I would have said, "fuck this."

They don't have the images of joy to replace those dark images like I do. I KNOW to hang on...because it will be good in the end. I firmly believe that- I have the hope inside of me. I have experienced peace finally...I know what it is like on the "well" side. And I don't want to give anyone reason to give up.

But I don't like to hide the truth either. Part of me thinks that then if I don't tell them that it is hard work...they will get to a stable place and at the first sign of danger...they bail out and return to hell...to pain.

So here is my admittance- yeah it is a hell of a lot of hard work. I had self injury urges today- a lot. I had suicidal images in my head too. But...I slept a lot of it off, I went to a movie with the best little girl in the world...I came home and did nothing- I watched TV...I wrote here in my journal. I put on Dar Williams. I did a lot of self talk. Yeah, these images are tortourous...my skin burns with the hunger of what once was...but my heart wins here...my mind wins here.

I KNOW that all of these urges will end when my body is back in a rhythm...when I remember to do the things that make me happy. And above all...I am helping so many children- they, and their families, are counting on me- if I give up...it means I was giving up on them too. Or the people of this website. And I refuse to do that. For once...there is more than just me at stake. And so I face my problems head on. It is my responsibiltiy- I know what I have to do to be healthy...and it is up to me to do it. I didn't ask for this disorder or past...but that doesn't mean its not there- it is. As such, I must deal with it all accordingly. Closing my eyes and wishing it would all disappear will not help me- but just make me work that much harder.

Living my life every day...will get easier- it all ready has. But I must never lose sight of the fact that I am mentally ill. No matter how I twist it...it is still with me...and I need to begin to treat it as a life long disorder. And I had something that was a kind of addiction- cutting and self destructive acts...I must always remember that the possibility for those urges to return are there- but I must face them with strength and courage.

My life is worth something and on April 13th, 2004...I chose life fully and with all my heart. And as such...I will maintain my wellness. That was a promise I made to one woman that forced me to see the beauty in this world. Tonight I make that stand again.

I continue to choose life. Life is sweet after all...and so much more.