My Rants and Raves

Welcome to my Rants page where I will give daily/weekly/biweekly updates on what crosses my mind, struggles, questions. Enjoy.

December 2005 RANTS

12-30
So my mom and I just had a sit down talk. I'll give a summary of what happened then explain why I still do not have hope for "us" and that is a good thing. The old Erin would have been so happy about some of the things my mom was saying and hope would be alive and well and I would "think" that I had my mother back.

They are getting rid of the couch (the one I was abused on)...mom said she was sorry that she didn't realize how big of an impact it was on me to see that when I walk in the door etc. (until our blow out fight a couple weeks ago when I broke down). She said I was right, that she did NOT accept or love all of me, but just parts of me. She has a hard time realizing that I cannot always just pull myself up by the bootstraps. She read the bipolar book I gave her three years ago.

She started on her whole blame things so I stopped her and stressed that I am ONLY talking about FEELINGS and not any sort of blame and only about "I" statement type things...so she stopped and rephrased her statement using feeling words and "I" statements. (Yeah, once a therapist, always a therapist).

Oh and she said it was hard for her to let go of her "ideal" daughter and accept the unconvential one that she has. That she said was the hardest- she has these expectations and idea's about what a daughter should be and I don't fit the mold. I also spoke to her about her anger that instead of staying what she feels at that moment but to take a step back and think about it first.

So...many times throughout the conversation I wanted to think about hope. But from the very start, I told her, Hey Mom...I'm done, I've accepted and started to move on. She wanted to know what that meant...so I told her that I accepted the things that she will never be, accepted the fact that I won't get the mother I want and I have begun to move on. I think that shocked her.

So that's it. I did okay I think. I accepted what she said with a grain of salt, knowing that she has done this multiple times and then been inconsistent and awful again if the right situation would arise. I don't have hope that she will be different. I am down with being civil etc.

My mom...occasionally can pull out the nice card- that is what ALWAYS ropes me in. So then for a while I am super excited with this new relationship. Then I do something that displeases her (like the interview) and immediately she changes and becomes hostile again. And then again I am thrown for a loop and feel degraded and awful inside.

But, this time I am saying no more. Just like I stopped the cycle of abuse with no more cutting...I am stopping the cycle of abuse with my mom- where she alternates nice and mean. I am okay being civil to her...because I have laid to rest my idea of a mom. She will never be what I want her to be...so I have stopped hoping I can change her and stopped many of the behaviors that used to try and get her to change or feel empathy.

I consider this to be a big thing for me. As I was telling Leigh in a post...this is so hard. But she is too inconsistent and I can't take too many more beating from her (emotionally).

So today...I take a stand. And I feel all the stronger for it.

12-24
This is from the support group Second Chances, but this site and that site are becoming more and more like one, so I'll post it here.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

And Merry Christmas to those who believe. I know not all of us share the same faith and I respect that. It is Christmas Eve and I was thinking about the turn my life took this past year. I had come so far, going 18 months of real and true wellness. Then I fell a bit...but what I found was a whole slew of people waiting to catch me when I fall. This was not a fall like before...I had worked hard to making my own family out of friends in my town. And at the end of the day, they were all there to catch me for the first time in my life.

And that is why I have this site...to be there when you all fall...or to help you pick up the pieces...or to cheer you on in the good times. And most of all, to provide a second chance- a second chance at life, a second change at relationships, a second chance at being well. I've always had at least one person near and dear to me to give me a second chance. This time around it was Bobb who stood there asking me if I needed a second chance with her. I took it and for once I am at my core issues and after this...I see more years of wellness.

And I stand on the verge of possibly being engaged to be married sometime in the next few months. It's weird to think that I've grown up that much. Well, most of you all have always thought me to be older...but 18 months ago, I didn't see marriage anywhere near me. But I see it today because I am with the man I love and it is wonderful. He has stood by me through so much. He has given me a second chance on love.

I know not everyone posts that is a part of this second chance family...but know that this place is for you all- no matter what stage of life you happen to be in at any given moment. We don't judge here and we are here for understanding and caring.

And I want to thank you all...for being there when I fell and not thinking less of me. Same with Laura, for helping her through her d ifficult times and embracing her as assistant manager. Laura is also my best friend and I don't know where I would be without her. Thank you Laura. And thank you all. No matter what you believe, this is a special time of year...and probably some of the hardest- I know it is for me. So here is management (Laura and I) sending out our love and hoping that you can find a few moments to smile at this time...and to remind you that we are here for you through things and then.

Much love to you all,
Erin, Manager
Laura, Assistant Manage

12-16
Today was Bailey's grandfather's funeral. I was in charge of Bailey of course.

About two years ago I wrote a poem...told through the "voice" of Bailey to his grandparents, Meemaw and Pawpaw.

Today, I printed it out and had Bailey draw on it. First time Bailey has ever drawn a circle...in five years. And he just really scribbled on it.

Later in the day, with his family, he placed that poem and his artwork on it in the coffin. I cried, it was beautiful.

Furthermore, the previous day at the viewing...I was on Bailey pretty close, but for whatever reason when he started to venture near the coffin, I hung back for just a few seconds. Bailey went up to his grandfather, peered in the coffin...then he took his little hand...and stroked his grandfather's cheek. Then he turned around and came back to me.

Words can't describe. And logic can't explain. And now his grandfather gets to take his best artwork to his grave and Bailey said one last goodbye to the grandfather he so loved.

For Christmas, I am going to print out that poem again, or maybe try a new one...and then have Bailey draw on it again and frame it and give it to his grandmother.

These are the days I know why I lived.

12-13-05
Good poetry

When Death Comes
Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

Maybe
by Mary Oliver

Sweet Jesus, talking
his melancholy madness,
stood up in the boat
and the sea lay down,

silky and sorry.
So everybody was saved
that night.
B ut you know how it is

when something
different crosses
the threshold -- the uncles
mutter together,

the women walk away,
the young brother begins
to sharpen his knife.
Nobody knows what the soul is.

It comes and goes
like the wind over the water --
sometimes, for days,
you don't think of it.

Maybe, after the sermon,
after the multitude was fed,
one or two of them felt
the soul slip forth

like a tremor of pure sunlight
before exhaustion,
that wants to swallow everything,
gripped their bones and left them

miserable and sleepy,
as they are now, forgetting
how the wind tore at the sails
before he rose and talked to it --

tender and luminous and demanding
as he always was --
a thousand times more frightening
than the killer storm.

12-13-05
Yesterday I got to spend a good five hours with Bailey, while his family made funeral arrangements. You'd think that five hours would take a while, that the time might drag in. One room, four walls, one TV and me and Bailey. But surprisingly...it went by fast. I was surprised. Of course I never want to see another Wiggles movie for a while. Bailey was very happy the whole time, even coming out with some "baba" words for bottle, which we haven't seen in a while. It's always interesting to me...Bailey and I hadn't really seen each other in over a month or so...and to see the recognition flow over his face when he finally sees me is awesome. And we normally have a very joyous reunion.

I have a large task in front of me again. Bailey will be rotated back into my client schedule and he has lost many things he gained over the summer. But he has also kept some things. So I have something to work with rather than starting from scratch. I realize the enourmous task in front of me. Some would call it a miracle. To get a mute child to talk. And yet I am still steadfast in my belief. Bailey has been through hell beginning with a car wreck while only seven months into a pregnancy. And the bad luck has plagued his family so therapy has always been on and off. Yet he makes gains, even if ever so slowly. You'd think I'd given up by now...for sure I've had kids rotate in and out, but still I keep a slot for him whenever we can. I believe, I just simply believe. And I've seen what belief can do. I've heard this child speak a word. I look at the progress of this child despite the odds and he's defied them. He's stayed with me. And I won't lead him astray.

And I think of Julia. These two kids are so close to my heart. I had Julia when she didn't even know her name. When it took her a whole year to learn her alphabet. When she fought so hard against me. Now she's sitting in second grade- fullly without an aide the whole time. Standing on her own two feet.

But I'm faced again with a challenge as she has begun to struggle. But on the phone with her mom after her interim...I promised that we would figure it out- we always have...she will be fine. And it's true. No matter what Julia has gone through, we've figured out a way to get her back on track. Already my head is flooding with ideas. I have no doubt. Just another hurdle we'll jump over and she'll be fine. Fine tune a few things and all will be good.

And I love my job...to witness a miracle almost every day. And to have such beliefs. My boss is always trying to figure why I am more successful than other therapists. And not all of its in the data. Sure, I'm very good at establishing reinforcers, using the environment to my advantage, using correct prompting techniques at just the right time and coming up with behavior plans. That's all in the data. But there is always more which I try to explain, but it's not always gotten. The kids can feel when you believe in them- I know it. You wouldn't think that trust plays a big role in behavior therapy, or witih autism- are they even capable of it...but they are and they do feel it. The children trust me. When times are tough, through all of Julia's complaining...she still fights, still works. She doesn't quit. It's like with my brother Nicholas. At one time he was having trouble with basketball. Mom's pep talks weren't working too well. I think she told him he didn't belong there if he wasn't playing well- this was at the national championships. But I told Nicholas that I believed in him and I knew he could do it- I just had no doubt, like all the times before. And mom couldn't understand why he responded to me and I tried to explain it- I've never had a doubt about his skill- I believed in him and that in turn gave him more self confidence- which is so important.

I'm stubborn and so many times I just can't accept it when someone says a kid can't do something or they wonder if they will ever be capable of something. That irks me because I always want to ask- how do you know? The kids are so confined in their mind we have no idea what they are capable of. And it's that kind of thing- not setting limits that allow the kids to fly free. They just keep going because I don't have any limits to cap them.

Bailey will talk. Julia will be completely undistinguishable from other children. I wish more people could believe in these children. They are such miracles and when they start coming around...nothing tops one of their smiles. And those are the images I try to hold on to.

Time it was I had a dream
And you're that dream come true.
If I had the world to give
I'd give it all to you.
I'll take you to the mountains,
I will take you to the sea.
I'll show you how this life became a miracle to me.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day.
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

All the things you treasure most
will be the hardest won.
I will watch you struggle long
before the answers come.
But I won't make it harder,
I'll be there to cheer you on.
I'll shine the light that guides you down
The road you're walking on.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day.
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

Before the mountains call to you,
before you leave this home,
Wanna teach your heart to trust
As I will teach my own.
But sometimes I will ask the moon
Where it shined upon you last
And shake my head and laugh and say
It all went by so fast.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day.
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.
- Dar Williams, The One Who Knows

12-13-05
What has really happened to my life? I sit here thinking I let everything get away from me. Once upon a time I had everything fairly controlled. I knew what was going on, I was aware of my thoughts, and I knew how I felt. Now, I have no idea what is going on, I'm just now becoming aware of some distorted thoughts and I'm struggling to figure out how I feel.

Exactly 32 weeks ago I ended therapy. I didn't realize it was such an even number. 224 days ago. I was happy, I was healthy and I was ready to face the rest of my life. It didn't matter that I didn't know what would happen in my life...because I was happy. I believed I had the tools to continue living this life even with stressors. I said goodbye to the old ways of living and hello to all things new and healthy. I struggled at times, but I always had faith that I would make it through. And such a strong belief that I could live this new life.

Now suddenly, six weeks ago to this day, I was in a day treatment program at the local psychiatric facility. Everything seems to happen on a Tuesday. 26 weeks into my new campaign on wellness, I fell. And it was a very angry fall. And I'm left with a lot of questions. I know I need to focus on the here and now, but so many times, I find that the answer to those questions help me to live in the present and future again.

I was coming off an entire school year where I was not hospitalized once. That meant a lot to me. I thought if I made it through the year mark that I was really ready to move on. That felt amazing. Things weren't perfect, but I made it. Made it enough to even end therapy as well. I had a boyfriend, though things were rocky, our love grew. I had a friend- a glorious best friend. We were both seeking one another, and it took four years at the same school to meet each other. There are not many feelings better in this world, than the peace of knowing there was this one friend out there- someone to call your very best friend, to stay up and watch movies all night, order pizza on the weekends, call in the middle of the night when you feel like crap...and to share such a strong love of all things psychology and all things folk music.

I was compliant with meds for the most part, I had a great client load and I was doing well in summer school. And I had done well in my first senior year (it took two for me). I finished my two self injury studies, sent them off for review and was accepted as a talk at the annual APA conference. Professionally things were looking up quite a bit. And, I had a great relationship, finally, with most of my family. I was close once again with Bailey's family and he was speaking his first words. In fact, all my kids made miraculous strides over the summer.

Fast forward months later. I stop some of my meds to induce a mania to get everything I need done. There is too much. I stop caring about school. I lost my best friend. I lost the good relationship with my mom. I lost my strong ties with Bailey's family while they were going through their own tradegy. My kids progress slowed, as I have to cut back on hours during the school year. I'm in therapy with a sexual abuse counselor and things are hard.

So I begin to slip. I spend too many nights awake all night, eating goes up and down before stabalizing...I stop medication at times. I put a wall around me because it hurt too much to reach out again. I slowly release the anger that I've been building.

And now I think Bobb is baring the brunt of it. I needed a place to focus my anger- for a time it was at myself- the self injury for three nights, the isolating, and the nights spent awake. And then I'm back within her four walls and it all happened so fast. I didn't really think everything out. I feel blind-sided and I'm taking it out on the one person I always trusted the most...and I wonder why and for what purpose. Hell, my eyes watered up for the first time in my memory with her...and I feel like it passed without notice, because for whatever reason, there is more anger. I'm fighting against something, maybe healing? I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm so tired and so weary from fighting. Keeping the wall up takes so much energy. Hell, fighting against Bobb takes so much energy. Once again, I'm the person in the way of my healing. Instead of accepting everything that has happened over the last few months...I'm trying so hard to hide it all, to deny it all...all to the detriment of myself. Why can't I be honest? Maybe because it all hurts so much- because above all else, I feel like I failed. Even though I know I'm still further than I have ever been. I had all or nothing thinking from the start...I should have known I was set up to fail then. But I didn't...I saw happiness and I went with it.

And I wonder why I didn't see it. Or if Bobb saw it at all? Or was I not being honest? Did I keep things back? I'll never really know.

But I know now. A while ago, 18 months ago...I had someone willing me to live. I still remember that time as if it had just happened. Another really taught me the value of having many solutions. And I listened eventually. After really wanting to take my own life and very nearly trying. I remember that voice, I remember taking a hard look in the mirror...and knowing that someone so firmly believed in me. It was that belief that carried me through.

Maybe this time, nothing is going right because I don't feel that voice anymore. Like I need a little faith like before...and it seems like everyone is just expecting me get upright and shoot forward. Or maybe I'm just expecting that of myself. I know the work I have to do has to be done by myself. I know this, because I'm having a similar dynamic with a child I work with. I understand it. But part of the reason she has always succeeded and with me...is because she always had my unwavering belief that I keep constant. Same with Bailey. People may say if he talks, or even say he will never talk. It's a when for me and only a question of time and how much therapy. I don't doubt this belief. Even though most would say the evidence is far and away against what I think I can do. But I believe. And Bailey worked his ass off to get that first word with me cheering ever step of the way.

And now I'm taking a hard look in the mirror. This entry is testament to that. But I feel so lonely right now. It's so hard to take these steps I know I need to be taking...without my maglite that used to be there...without my best friend who understood...without a couple of the friends I used to have...without a strong belief in myself...because I do feel like such a failure. I need a little help getting on my two feet again. But I'm a fighter. I just need to shift the way I'm fighting. I need to know that no one is looking down on me...that it's not a joke right now that I need help- that I could have gotten lost on this path of wellness.

I am and have been on an unknown path. I still don't think I'm wholly on my old path, I think I just hit a dead end with where I was going. Now I need to find the road back to wellness. And it's a little harder than I thought, a bit murkier than when I first walked this...and I'm more unsure of myself than I used to be.

And I realized one last important thing. How important Lithium really and truly is important to me. My hope is that one day I will have two meds: Lithium and Seroquel. I've been my own reserach subject, it's true...but all of it has served me in my understanding of my body and how each med affects me. And I know once I leave school I won't need the concerta or ritalin- my job keeps me focused without the use of medication.

But Lithium...I get it. I have been off it while I've been physically ill...and slowly I've watched a change in me. The once self confident Erin has become completely deflated and isolated. I'm so afraid again. Meeting new people is a huge chore if I even work up the courage. I isolate myself from friends I already have...and I am so irritable it's not even funny- picking fights with everyone and keeping everyone away, even Sam. Making phone calls becomes hard again. Writing a simple paper and doing a simple quiz is taking everything out of me. My moods are everywhere. I pick TV over music. These are all signs to me. I started Lithium again tonight.

So there are a lot of confounding variables going on. But I feel much better getting them off my chest. I feel like I'm being honest and open- even to thoughts I don't want to think about. I want to surrender to living again- remember that life is sweet. And I think I'm taking the first steps. Things need to change. And a new semester is beginning, and I hope change is following.

I hope so much. I had a taste of happiness and now I know what I'm fighting for. And that is a big difference. It makes all the difference in the world.

Songs of loneliness...took me a while to figure that one out.

I feel a touch like the touch of your hand
I hear a voice down the hall
I answer out loud but there's no one here at all
there's no one here at all

Give me an ocean to wash me away
Give me a river to ride
Give me a fire to burn down these walls
With all these memories inside

Love takes you where you don't want to go
Down where the waters run deep
Love gave to me a promise it could not keep
A promise it could not keep

Give me an ocean to wash me away
Give me a river to ride
Give me a fire to burn down these walls
With all these memories inside

I'm going to drive looking tonight for someone that I used to know
And I'll say your name but that was a long time ago
that was a long time ago
- Give Me An Ocean, Julie Miller

It’s hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won’t climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you’re gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don’t wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I’m not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
-Rain, Patti Griffin

12-4-05
What a conference! It was amazing. You know, basically right now I am doing two jobs: behavioral therapist and advocate. Everyone wants me to choose and just stay with one of them.

This weekend, I remembered why I do two. With the therapy I see kids and I see the parents of the kids. Well, when I went off to this conference ... I see peers my own age. And not just that, but peers who also have a mental illness and go to ivy league schools. I remember sitting around a table at dinner, eight of us...and we were laughing and talking and have a great time together...and yet we were all students with a disorder, mostly bipolar and if someone was just observing us...they would just see a bunch of students having fun (minus drinking). How awesome that image in my head is.

And that is why I don't want to lose this...the same thing happened when I went to the Duke conference in October. Most often at my school I don't feel like I belong. I feel belonging to the town more. But when I go to these conferences for advocacy...I feel like I belong. I meet the peers my age that are so similar to me. I don't want to lose that sense of belonging.

I'll write about the conference in more detail at a later date, I need to sort it out in my head.

So today, I didn't get up until 9 or 10 PM!!! What is up wtih that. For weeks now I have not been able to get any sleep at all hardly...then all the sudden I get way to much sleep...and I miss seeing two of my kids, including Julia- that is how you know something is wrong.

I'm still having symptoms that indicate something is going on with my gastrointestinal system, I think. But I'm not going to a doctor yet- will see if it is just my IBS. But the presence of blood last week scared me...and the fact that I slept for 24 hours scares me. But I have no money right now because of the grad class I paid for and the therapy I'm now getting again. I can't wait until I get reimbursed by the gov't for the conference.

Okay going to go back to sleep here in a minute even though I have been up for only two hours.

12-1-05
Well last night my friend called me "happy Erin" and apparently I don't get like that unless I'm a little high. I doubt it though...I have been on Lithium without missing a day. I did get no sleep last night, I had stuff to do so one night won't kill me. I was pretty wired all night long, it was fun...and I was hanging out with a friend. Did laundry, get meds, did some hw, hung out. A little antsy today, still talkative and still pretty positive. I leave for my conference soon. Super excited about that. I did promise Sam I'd try to sleep tonight... and I will admit, part of me is loving this feeling and I don't want to sleep because I don't want it to end. When it ends, reality hits me and it's not fun anymore. I am so much more fun like this- I hang out with people, I don't isolate, I t hink better on my feet with the kids.

Ugh, hate my mind...and yet love it right now. I do have some concerning symptoms. Last night I vomited some blood up. That's never a good sign. I've seen blood elsewhere too. But everything seems calm now. Occassionally my lower left abdomen hurt like hell, but that passes too. So I didn't really tell anyone until morning all of my symptoms. I have been eating today and been okay...a little nauseous but okay. Headache comes and goes as does stomach pain.

But I'm upright, I've done classes and homework and group meetings, so I think I'm okay. I'm young and relatively healthy.

Okay, gotta jet to pack. This conference is going to rock...I will see two new friends there and we are excited to hang out...and I'm fun right now so its good. I don't want it to end.