Check This Out
https://www.angelfire.com/dragon/henna/journal/
This girl's blog is really good. I think she's British.

Anyway so my friend comes in here to tell me this 8th grader likes me, and I'm like have you lost your mind no way! One, I am debating about the guy I was telling you about the other day and Two, 8th grade? I am a sophmore, interested in seniors!!! Really into Robin, this super hot guy who today I went up to and he didn't say anything and so I said "What, not talking to me?" and he said "I'm not talking to anybody. Maybe someday." So he's hot as a hell and a mystery. Sexy. But for now I wonder.
Going skiing this weekend with the fam and the church. NO FUN for me this weekend! Hehehe and no fun this afternoon, I was supposed to go out with Bill but he had an appointment. So no fun for me! Oh well I will try to enjoy myself anyway. I love to ski!!! And the place has a pool and a hot tub and hopefully hot guys!

A for Yes and B for No
So there's this guy. And he a nice guy, and he's sweet and intelligent, if self-proclaimed a bit reclusive, and he doesn't like the phone, and for the past 3 summmers he's lived on his own working in the mountains. And he's Buddhist and on Scholastic Bowl, though on another team in another town but only a half an hour away. I think I might like him, but I wish he would call me so I might have a better idea of if he was even interested in me at all. It's hard to tell over the internet. I will get to see him though, when we have our District tournament. And actually I've already "seen" him at another meet but didn't talk to him in person. I never get to talk to him as long as I want online. There are a lot of things I want to know. I'd love to just sit down and chat with him, see if there's actually anything there. So I'm working on it. I think I might like him. ??????? How do you figure these things out?

This Is My World
Mikey2k: Fag!
cheyannette: hi sexy. what's up?
Mikey2k: your a fag
Mikey2k: But if you want o know whats really up
Mikey2k: I love my boyfriend
Mikey2k: Did you see the state of the union address last night
Mikey2k: what a joke, I could have given a better speech talking through my ass
Mikey2k: which is what he did
cheyannette: no i did not. you love your bf?
cheyannette: i don't have one
Mikey2k: yes
Mikey2k: I love him
Mikey2k: I love him love him love him
cheyannette: i'm happy for you
Mikey2k: and he's stinky
Mikey2k: heheehe
Mikey2k: he's a stinky bear
cheyannette: kae
Mikey2k: I think my boi jon likes me
cheyannette: i think i like mark
Mikey2k: how do you feel about General Clark
Mikey2k: I think he is sexy
cheyannette: who's he?
Mikey2k: he is a dem running for president
Mikey2k: tsk tsk
Mikey2k: he was the commander of NATO in Bosnia
Mikey2k: he is a four star general
Mikey2k: and he is a hottie
Mikey2k: and I think that he should my presdient
cheyannette: president of your what?
Mikey2k: my country
cheyannette: right. but i thought you wanted to rule the whole world.
Mikey2k: jon and I watched the state of the union address and made fun of all the cooky senators
Mikey2k: This world would never be satisfied under one ruler
Mikey2k: and no man could bare such a burden
cheyannette: jon who?
Mikey2k: jon in guam
Mikey2k: he is so sweet
Mikey2k: whats nice is he's friend with josh too so we all three flirt
Mikey2k: its nice
Mikey2k: share the love!
cheyannette: kae. gay love. got it
Mikey2k: roight
cheyannette: spell right right
Mikey2k: right biotch
cheyannette: i love you too
Mikey2k: I love bois
cheyannette: i like boys too
Mikey2k: alright
Mikey2k: I hate some of the people I know
cheyannette: not me i hope
Mikey2k: Amanda is starting to drive me insane
Mikey2k: I want to die!
cheyannette: well ride the bus
Mikey2k: no
cheyannette: then deal
Mikey2k: I just need her to grow up a little more
Mikey2k: I asked the lunch table if anyone watched the state of the union address last night, thinking for some reason that we might discuss it, but of course not to my surprise no one had
Mikey2k: so she makes the comment . . . were we supposed to watch it cuz its something important to you
Mikey2k: and I'm like no, because you live here for fuck sake
Mikey2k: I understand most people our age don't care, but damn it at least intelligently go about not caring
cheyannette: well i was studying for exams. is that intelligent
Mikey2k: yes
Mikey2k: it just pisses me off that she's so fat and always so ignorant about everything, and oblivious, and greedy as fuck
Mikey2k: I wish I could brand worthless on her head, and she's always talking about killing people because they annoy her, or they are preps, and I'm like you are a sore loser
Mikey2k: just cuz she didn't win little miss cuntina doesn't mean she has to hate the pretty people
cheyannette: i knew it was on at least
Mikey2k: good
cheyannette: so how is Harvard going?
Mikey2k: fine
Mikey2k: SAT saturday morning
cheyannette: personal statement?
Mikey2k: wrote it
Mikey2k: its nice
cheyannette: let me see
Mikey2k: fine . . tomorrow
cheyannette: kae
cheyannette: so i think i like mark
Mikey2k: how long have you know him?
cheyannette: not very long
cheyannette: 2-3 weeks
Mikey2k: give it time
cheyannette: i know
Mikey2k: I though jon was awesome but last night I found out he watches CNN
Mikey2k: lol
cheyannette: haha CNN is cool
Mikey2k: oh and he's a big time christian
Mikey2k: I'm a fox news guy
cheyannette: well i like Channel 24
Mikey2k: yea but I am talking about a news network
cheyannette: and Peter Jennings
Mikey2k: something on 24 7
Mikey2k: eww
Mikey2k: I don't know any sexy news broadcasters
Mikey2k: some sexy world leaders
Mikey2k: Tony blair comes to mind
Mikey2k: and hopefully soon wesley clark
cheyannette: robin herald would be a sexy world leader
Mikey2k: no he'd be a disastrous one
cheyannette: not the point
Mikey2k: blah
cheyannette: you could be the leader and robin the one on all the poseters
Mikey2k: he's not that cute
cheyannette: poster*
Mikey2k: right
cheyannette: oh but so sexy
Mikey2k: I have a more "lead the nation" look
cheyannette: if you worked out
Mikey2k: get over yourself
Mikey2k: go eat a potato
cheyannette: some tight muscles would look great on you
cheyannette: i love potatoes
Mikey2k: I know
Mikey2k: for both
cheyannette: cool
cheyannette: anyway i would make a great world leader
Mikey2k: omg
Mikey2k: internation crisis!
Mikey2k: you'd be the type to have a direct line to the pope
cheyannette: everyonme would be literate and reader a lot
Mikey2k: lol
cheyannette: and much better typers than me
Mikey2k: lol
Mikey2k: the problem with todays politicians is no one cares enough about domestic policy, too much on the international
cheyannette: and they would all shop at Express and
Mikey2k: thats what the state dept is for ... .we need a president who can multi task
cheyannette: super pres
Mikey2k: no adequate pres
cheyannette: that works
Mikey2k: yup
Mikey2k: gosh republicans are dumb
cheyannette: kae
Mikey2k: I hope this whole nation is run down to the ground just so that I can laugh
Mikey2k: I'll become a canadian
cheyannette: i am a liberal. i think
cheyannette: you can get married in canada
Mikey2k: I can get married most places
cheyannette: except hometown guam
Mikey2k: except here, where people are more afraid of happy gay people than they are terrorists
cheyannette: my world would be differnt
Mikey2k: mine would be way different
cheyannette: and we would have automatic spell check
Mikey2k: lol
cheyannette: i love Everwood
Mikey2k: lol
cheyannette: stop laughing at me!
cheyannette: LOL
Mikey2k: damn conservative mountain folk
cheyannette: :-)
cheyannette: who?
Mikey2k: everwood folk
cheyannette: oh well. i like it.
cheyannette: emphram is cute
Mikey2k: well your queer
cheyannette: kae
Mikey2k: emphram is gay
Mikey2k: brb
cheyannette: so are you
cheyannette: kae

Right Now, Dreaming of Tommorrow
Oh to make this dream a reality
To have to hold
My life unmarred
In my open and waiting hands
My sweet perfect life
Of sunshine and roses
With you by my side
And the sunset in the distance
To reach for my stars
And to finally grasp them
To let me live this life my way
It's in my me
And I long to set myself free
But that power is not mine;
Release comes only with time, age, wisdom through the years
You are my light and my angel
You will always be there
But you are not right
For right now
One day it will be perfect
Perfectly beautifully an angel's song
But today I am enjoying my life
Just having fun
It's as I am right now
And you just don't fit
Not that way
I shall hold you and yours in my heart
For all time
But now we are friends
I am in this with you
But you will have to look elsewhere
For that which is not feasible
For right now
I love you
XO XO XO XO

Continuations
Well to continue on, I was never ever goofy before. Basically it means I've changed. I want to know how much I've changed, how long this has been going on. When did I change?!?!? Stupid hot guys who tell me I'm goofy. And so . . .
D)Rick is driving me nuts!!! He is so hot, the best ass I've seen in a long time. He's also really cool and I just . . . there's so many things about him that I like I wouldn't know where to start even if I wanted to go into all that. But he has this pig-faced g/f (or maybe I'm just jealous, some people think she's pretty, I think she's fake) and he seems happy w/ her. I hate this! I wish I could feel free to flirt w/ him, but w/ his g/f in the way I don't, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. This sucks.

To catch up w/ the rest of my life, we are going to Regionals in Scholastic Bowl!!! Woo-hoo! This rocks, I just wish I knew if we had a chance at States. So that's cool, but my grades suck, and I want to go to the Summer Governor's School but I'm not sure I've got a shot at it . . . so much stuff! Really though I'm happy.

I don't have issues - I have a life!
Well maybe. I'm in the middle of a couple of different issues right now, but maybe they are all just normal parts of life. You tell me.
A) Basically Bill has ignored me for the past month so I have decided to stop allowing myself to be hurt by him. I just can't care about someone and put myslef out there for them when I don't get anything back. He's not there when I want him and he's not there when I need him. I just can't do this anymore. It hurts like hell to let him go but he stopped caring about me a long time ago. I guess it was just one of those things.
B) My best friend from 1st to 5th grade recently got into contact w/ me and my other best friend from that time. Jo moved away the summers btwn 5th and 6th grade, and after that Amber and I fell apart b/c we weren't in the same class. Anyway I am really happy that she is writing us now. But it's weird. I feel like I'm not sure if she's the same person she was b/c I know I'm not the same person I was. Which leads me to . . .
C) The other day Rick called me "goofy". I asked one of my other friends and they said yea, I was.

TBC . . .

Forbidden Love
Night steals in quietly,
enveloping us in darkness.

The utter and complete black
muffles every sound.

Shhhh...quiet now.
They'll never know we're here.

A stolen kiss in the moonlight
forbidden love is the sweetest of all.

When the dawn comes,
our secret is safe.

The night will never tell.

Shopping Spree!
Christmas break is almost over and I am going to live it up one last time before getting tied down to schoolwork again! Today Thumper and I are going to the mall, then to Barnes and Noble, then I'm staying over at her house and Bill might be coming over. I have $55 and Thumper's got more - this is going to be awesome. I have plans to stay up all night making brownies and talking on the phone to boys. Right now I'm in a Robotics meeting, but I'm getting out at 11 and from there to the mall. I'm happy. Life is good. Thumper and I will hit Spencer's, Gadzooks, Victoria's Secret, and any other place that sells cute underwear! After my Christmas haul, that's about all I need! Plus I'm going to buy something for Hope, Bill's baby. She was born December 20, so I'm going to get her a Christmas present. I'm also giving Bill some Classical Child CD's so he doesn't blast Hope's ears out w/ his usual rap/hip hop music. I haven't seen the baby yet, he's supposed to bring pictures today. I'm excited - shopping w/ my best friend and maybe possibly seeing another of my best friends whom I haven't seen for a month - this is AWESOME! Anyway I don't have my poetry folder w/ me right now so I cannot leave you a poem . . . or maybe I will, one of my favorites that I wrote a long time ago . . .

Happy New Year
But what has changed?

I looked at my dad at midnight and said yea, 1st was great, great party, lots of fun, but why? What is so different about 2004? My life is the same as it was 2 minutes ago.

Just a thought.

I lvoe Christmas break, we don't have to go back to school until Monday so I have plenty of time for my final test English essay.

My friend Jessi? She's a bitch!

Be back later.

Ho Ho Ho
I don't know. I'm having mixed feelings right now. Today was fun . . . I got six of my friends presents, got to give five of them, haven't seen Bill yet. I gave Anton a present, it was a t-shirt that I bought online Sunday, i was praying that it would get here by last night and it did, so that was good. When I gave it to him he wsaid "You didn't have to get me a present."
"I know. But I just found it and it was perfect so . . . "
"You found it?" I think he thought I went searching for this thing, but I was just keeping an eye out for something. If I hadn't found anything I wouldn't have bought him something but I did so I did. Anyway, later we were in class watching a movie and I had my arms crossed, sitting next to him, and he wrapped his fingers around mine. He was just sitting there, playing w/ my fingers. He turned to me w/ a big smile and goes, "You love me?" He's a goofball but I said, " I love you. Yea." b/c he's looking at me like he thinks I'm not serious. One of these days I would really love to explain to him my definition of love. But anyway before he left he gave me a big hug and said something into my hair that I couldn't here. I said, "What?"
"I can't thank you enough for this. It's awesome."
And I just said, "You're welcome."
I just felt like he was finally seeing something that I have been trying to show him for a while; that I am always here. I love him as a friend, for many reasons, but mostly b/c he never forgot me, he never let me go. I could ask him for anything and I wouldn't feel like it was a big deal. Anyway that made me happy.
----------------------------------------------------
But then . . .
I dared Mary to kiss KC, and she sorta did, and we are in the back room dancing around the subject, she dares me to kiss him, and I did. But it was just on the lips, and yea, I wanted more than that. So I did it again - twice. I was being a pushy slut, I feel like a slut, this sucks, and I wish it had never happened. Plus he's a really bad kisser. But Mary, who likes him, is all like 'wow' and KC keeps saying he wasn't really trying and I'm like whatever, you're a bad kisser. Plus I didn't want anyone to know about any of it, but now a bunch of people know b/c KC has a big mouth! This pisses me off, I don't like him, and this sucks! I'm just upset that the whole thing happened, and I really do feel like a whore. I know it was just a kiss, but I'm not that kind of girl. I don't give it up easy and I don't sneak around in the back room w/ guys and that is just so not me! I kept trying to get a decent kiss out of him b/c I wanted a good kiss, you know, the kind where it is just you and him, and his mouth on yours, and you don't want anyone, anything but him. That's the kind of kiss I wait for. And I can't believe I did that.
----------------------------------------------------
Back to Anton, I love him. Wanda called him my 'love infatuation' but really I'm just reaching out for anyone at this point and he's right there so I'm not doing it on purpose. Things will get better soon. I love Chirstmas! Life is good.

Wrong About You
I'm not mad
I can never be mad at you
I wish I was
It would make this all so much easier
But instead I am sad
Brought down by the weight of many tears
I'm not depressed
My life is too good for that
But this one thing
That has too always be so unreachable
You are so unreachable
I should just accpet it and move on
But how can I move on
When so much is unresolved?
It's not easy
I didn't think it would be
But I always thought that you would be here
I'm so sorry
I was wrong

Endless Tommorrow Not There
It's like an endless circle
I want this
It's not there
My search continues
It's all the same
And I've been here before
So why must I always return
To the same standstill?
It's a waste of my time
To continue in this
But I don't know how to break free
Old desires acquire new names
To fool my heart into a change
But all I ever want
Is one worthy of my attentions
And one man enough to return them
It seems like there's no one for me
No one out there that -
That wants me for me
And enjoys my crazy moments
And loves my love of life
And needs my attentions
And stands on their own two feet
And this one has been never coming
For so damn long
That I feel as though I'll never have it
Never have a one worth me
And I want to be worth him
And I want a life where I'm not alone
And most of all, I just want
This love and this life
To be shared w/
His love and his life
I want his joys, his triumphs
I want him to feel my sorrows and my pain
I want to be in this w/ another
B/c it's hard and it's wonderful
And this is my life worth living
Will you please just see me and know me -
~As this girl full of dreams
For tommorrows never coming?~

Strength for Life
Something to hold on to
Something to keep me grounded
Don't let me lose my head
Life pulses through me
To the beat I live by
Strong and steady
Fast-paced and smooth
And as much as I want tommorrow
"I can't"
"I can't"
Oh yes I can
This is me
This is what I do
I hold on
I am grounded
I am strong

The Source of My Pain
I'm so tired of this
You've disappointed me
Again
And it HURTS
I'm upset
But I'm not mad
B/c I can't be mad at you
I'm sad and these tears
These hot rivers slipping down my cheeks
These sobbing breaths
This endless wail 'Why?'
This is b/c of you
You've caused me this pain
You've hurt me
So deeply
Not all cuts heal
I still love you
That will never change
But right now -
You are despised

Robots and Bill
Right now I am in the middle of a meeting for the webpage design team for Robotics. BORING! Mr. V is going on and on about many things that I don't understand and since all I do is the calendar, it really doesn't matter anyway. But I think I should know it. So I'm going to try to pay attention

. . .

. . .

. . .

Not working. Kae. So I am crazy busy with Scholastic Bowl and our Christmas concert and I, like everyone else, need money to pay for Christmas gifts! I had better get at least $20 in cash for Christmas b/c I have some serious debts to pay off.

BTW, an update on Bill: He is acting like he doesn't know I'm alive. He's acting like he doesn't care at all. I have tried twice to see him and he keeps forgetting. And I also didn't call him, b/c I was tired of calling and never getting to talk to him, so I hoped he would call me instead and we could have a conversation, just about anything I want to talk to him so bad, but for two weeks I didn't talk to him at all. He's made me cry and I'm sad and upset but the reason I know this is still worth something is b/c I can't be mad at him. I'm not mad at all even though I should be and I have every right to be but I can't get mad. I don't know why. I love him, as a friend, and I want to talk to him and have him here for me, but he isn't and it just makes me sad. I want to tell him that I need him to be with me as a friend and a friend only, I don't want anything else right now, but he is one of the only people with enough brains to get me and to appreciate everything that I am. I need friends like that. And he's not here. The next time I cry about this I am going to call him and tell him it's his fault. And he's not getting his Christmas present until I'm happy w/ him again. What do you think? What should I do?