I don't know. I'm having mixed feelings right now. Today was fun . . . I got six of my friends presents, got to give five of them, haven't seen Bill yet. I gave Anton a present, it was a t-shirt that I bought online Sunday, i was praying that it would get here by last night and it did, so that was good. When I gave it to him he wsaid "You didn't have to get me a present."
"I know. But I just found it and it was perfect so . . . "
"You found it?" I think he thought I went searching for this thing, but I was just keeping an eye out for something. If I hadn't found anything I wouldn't have bought him something but I did so I did. Anyway, later we were in class watching a movie and I had my arms crossed, sitting next to him, and he wrapped his fingers around mine. He was just sitting there, playing w/ my fingers. He turned to me w/ a big smile and goes, "You love me?" He's a goofball but I said, " I love you. Yea." b/c he's looking at me like he thinks I'm not serious. One of these days I would really love to explain to him my definition of love. But anyway before he left he gave me a big hug and said something into my hair that I couldn't here. I said, "What?"
"I can't thank you enough for this. It's awesome."
And I just said, "You're welcome."
I just felt like he was finally seeing something that I have been trying to show him for a while; that I am always here. I love him as a friend, for many reasons, but mostly b/c he never forgot me, he never let me go. I could ask him for anything and I wouldn't feel like it was a big deal. Anyway that made me happy.
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But then . . .
I dared Mary to kiss KC, and she sorta did, and we are in the back room dancing around the subject, she dares me to kiss him, and I did. But it was just on the lips, and yea, I wanted more than that. So I did it again - twice. I was being a pushy slut, I feel like a slut, this sucks, and I wish it had never happened. Plus he's a really bad kisser. But Mary, who likes him, is all like 'wow' and KC keeps saying he wasn't really trying and I'm like whatever, you're a bad kisser. Plus I didn't want anyone to know about any of it, but now a bunch of people know b/c KC has a big mouth! This pisses me off, I don't like him, and this sucks! I'm just upset that the whole thing happened, and I really do feel like a whore. I know it was just a kiss, but I'm not that kind of girl. I don't give it up easy and I don't sneak around in the back room w/ guys and that is just so not me! I kept trying to get a decent kiss out of him b/c I wanted a good kiss, you know, the kind where it is just you and him, and his mouth on yours, and you don't want anyone, anything but him. That's the kind of kiss I wait for. And I can't believe I did that.
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Back to Anton, I love him. Wanda called him my 'love infatuation' but really I'm just reaching out for anyone at this point and he's right there so I'm not doing it on purpose. Things will get better soon. I love Chirstmas! Life is good.