Mood: don't ask
Now Playing: Jumbled, Screaming Thoughts
It's been awhile, thought I'd update my feeings a bit. Unfortunately, my feelings make me sick.
In my past, I took a lot of people for granted. Maybe some of them deserved it, I don't know, but certainly not all of them. If only they knew that long after they have forgotten me, they still haunt my dreams. I had previously been thinking that I had always tried to be a good person, that it wasn't fair that I be in this mess... Well, I guess Karma's pretty pissed at me.
But still, haven't I gone through enough? Have I really hurt people that badly? I had a shitty childhood, what was that payback for? Was it preemptive pain? If so, what's all this about? Is Tobey my reward for all the shit I have to put up with now? I really do put others first, now. That's how I got here, that's why I stay here. Tobey is completely worth it. So worth it, in fact, that I cannot even say I regret any of the horrible choices I've made, because he probably wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't made them.
So what can I say? "THIS SUCKS!" That doesn't even sound real, it sounds like a kid who can't find the right color crayon, not a woman who lives on pain pills and Pepto, and has to shorten her waking hours because at least when she's sleeping, the nightmares aren't real. It doesn't sound like the woman with perfect love for her perfect child, and hate for the moments of her life when he's not around. It doesn't sound like the woman in a bad situation, in a bad marriage, in a life only worth living when she looks into those bright, hopeful eyes. So what can I say? What can I say that would be true to who I am and what I'm feeling?
"I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same."