Here I Go
Mood:  happy

So... here I am, and here I sit, but this time I'm doing something about it!

Another chapter in my life finished. That only means another one will begin. Let's face it, this one has been trying to end for a very long time. Overdo it too much and the whole book goes to crap.

I am coping well. As much as I will miss everyone, I also get to go back to everyone and everything I have been missing for so long. I am entering this new phase with hope; something that hasn't been with me for a long time.

I feel sane. I feel alive. I feel free.

Dropped A Bomb and It Blew Up

Who'da thunk it?

I sit here and I think about life and love, past, present, and future, and I don't know what to do. How can I make my present live up to my past? How can I make my future something to look forward to? How can I make life and love collide, instead of life when I'm alert and love when I dream?

I obviously had a pretty shitty past... but there was always this light that made it more than worth it. There was this glow that showed me endless love and endless possibilities. In this light, in this glow, I found everything I ever wanted, everything I ever dreamed about.

The light is out of my hands, but I have something new... I have Tobey. My baby, my unconditional love, the one who's always there. The one who sees tears pouring out of my eyes and all he can think about is making them go away... so he climbs in my lap and laughs in my face... who can resist that? But he should not have that burden, he should not see so many tears, he should not hear so many screams and yells. He should not think of pain when he thinks of love. That's all it has become.

My future has to change all that. This life I live, it's all a lie. I wear this smile for company when all I want to do is die a little more. I cannot become numb, my feelings make me who I am. I am alone in the world. I am alone and I am swimming in the painful mistakes I made. I am alone and I am aching to be able to be me again, feel the way I felt again, fill my life with love again, and maybe, just maybe, accomplish one of those dreams that got tossed out the window long ago... if I can still find it.

I miss life. I miss love. I miss myself. 

I WANT TO SCREAM MY BIG FAT HEAD OFF!
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: 6020
OMG! I hate it! I hate this life, I am going crazy, and no one FUCKING CARES! I love Tobey but EVERYTHING ELSE CAN GO TO HELL! THIS CANNOT BE FIXED! I NEED OUT! What the hell am I going to do?

This Sucks?
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Jumbled, Screaming Thoughts

It's been awhile, thought I'd update my feeings a bit. Unfortunately, my feelings make me sick.

In my past, I took a lot of people for granted. Maybe some of them deserved it, I don't know, but certainly not all of them. If only they knew that long after they have forgotten me, they still haunt my dreams. I had previously been thinking that I had always tried to be a good person, that it wasn't fair that I be in this mess... Well, I guess Karma's pretty pissed at me.

But still, haven't I gone through enough? Have I really hurt people that badly? I had a shitty childhood, what was that payback for? Was it preemptive pain? If so, what's all this about? Is Tobey my reward for all the shit I have to put up with now? I really do put others first, now. That's how I got here, that's why I stay here. Tobey is completely worth it. So worth it, in fact, that I cannot even say I regret any of the horrible choices I've made, because he probably wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't made them.

So what can I say? "THIS SUCKS!" That doesn't even sound real, it sounds like a kid who can't find the right color crayon, not a woman who lives on pain pills and Pepto, and has to shorten her waking hours because at least when she's sleeping, the nightmares aren't real. It doesn't sound like the woman with perfect love for her perfect child, and hate for the moments of her life when he's not around. It doesn't sound like the woman in a bad situation, in a bad marriage, in a life only worth living when she looks into those bright, hopeful eyes. So what can I say? What can I say that would be true to who I am and what I'm feeling?

"I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same." 

Pissed
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: iPod

"Oh how I love this life I lead,  I hate, I love, But never sleep, I am tortured by the past, yet know that this pain cannot last"

Well a whole lot I knew back then, right? I hate this so much. Those without children have no idea... the things you'll do for them... Throw your entire future away for theirs... IT SUCKS! During the day I love it, but as soon as it's bedtime I just want the night to be over with.

And still, I never sleep. 

John Rzeznik
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: Goo Goo Dolls

I don't know what to say. I may have used it all up.

"They painted up your secrets with the lies they told to you, and the most they ever gave you was the least you ever knew. And I wonder where these dreams go when the world gets in your way. What's the point in all this screaming? No one's listening anyway. Your voice is small and fading, and you're hiding here unknown. And your mother loves your father 'cause she's got nowhere to go, and she wonders where these dreams go, 'cause the world got in her way. What's the point in ever trying? Nothing's changing anyway. They press their lips against you, and you love the lies they say. And I've tried so hard to reach you, but you're falling anyway. And you know I see right through you, 'cause the world gets in your way. What's the point in all this screaming? You're not listening anyway."

"And even though the moment passed me by, I still can't turn away. 'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose, tossed along the way,  and letters that you never meant to send, lost or thrown away. And now we're grown up orphans I never knew their names. Don't belong to no one, that's a shame. You could hide beside me, maybe for awhile, and I won't tell no one your name. I won't tell 'em your name. Scars are souveneirs you never lose, the past is never far. And did you lose youself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star? And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are? You grew up way too fast, now there's nothing to believe. The reruns all become our history. A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio, and I won't tell no one your name. I won't tell 'em your name. I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same. If it's lonely where you are, come back down, and I won't tell 'em your name."

And people wonder why I love him. 

Here and Now (So)
Mood:  special
Now Playing: The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack

So I'm not sure where to start. A lot of time has gone by and even more things have happened. So how do I feel? Discouraged, maybe. A little incomplete (but I'm working on that). For about the last week I have wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. This isn't exactly what I expected.

So I've realized a lot lately. I have realized that my life just wouldn't be mine without drama (even if it's only under the surface). I have realized that one thing I need most is stability, something I've never had in my life. I have realized that sometimes I project characteristic onto something as an excuse not to let it go. I have realized that I can't live without music in my life. I have realized that deep down I know why I feel the way I do. I have realized that I am afraid for the people whom I miss. I have realized that the way I was raised has affected my self esteem for life, which in turn explains why I allow people to walk all over me. I have realized that there are some things I have no control over (but I haven't accepted it). I have realized that my dreams have faded and what's left as a goal is the life most people live as they dream the dreams I used to. I have realized that my supposed gibberish makes sense to someone out there, but it's not anyone who gets to hear (read) it. I have realized that there are some things I just can't admit, even to myself.

 "AND I, JACK, THE PUMPKIN KING, have grown so tired of the same old thing."

"Oh somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow; there's something out there, far from my home, a longing that I've never known." 

"Oh there's an empty place in my bones that calls out for something unknown."

"Does nothing for these empty tears."

"I sense there's something in the wind that feels like tragedy's at hand."

"And though I'd like to stand by him, can't shake this feeling that I have; the worst is just around the bend."

"Does he notice my feelings for him? And will he see how much he means to me? I think it's not to be."

"And will we ever end up together? No, I think not. It's never to become, for I am not The One."

"What have I done? What have I done? How could I be so blind? All is lost. Where was I? Spoiled all. Spoiled all. Everything's gone all wrong. What have I done? What have I done? Find a deep canyon to hide in, in a million years they'll find me only dust"

"Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?"

"My dearest friend, if you don't mind, I'd like to join you by your side, where we can gaze into the stars, and sit together, now and forever, for it is plain as anyone can see, we're simply meant to be." 

Well.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

I saw you yesterday. Over and over it broke my heart. Suddenly I'm not sure of anything anymore. I really don't know what to say, I just feel lost. I have something I need to get out, but I'm not sure what it is. So how can I find the words?

I don't want to see another day go bye. You know what I mean.

"Time won't let me go."

 

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

 

That has made all the difference.

I Don't Know
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Various fave bands

Today the tears flow easily. Today I am inspired... though inspired to do what, I am not sure. Today I realize so much is important about the little things. Eric Draven said it best: "I used to think they were kind of trivial. Nothing is trivial." There is so much meaning in the color of a rose or the lyrics of a song.

At what point do you accept that there is no such thing as destiny, fate, or soulmates? When do you finally decide that there is no grand master plan for all of us, we choose what our life becomes, and if you make a big mistake, you're screwed? I guess when reality falls down on you with the rest of the world. Faith is highly overrated anyway.

I have lost a lot in my life. Sometimes it's hard not to focus on it. I do realize that there are a few things that I have gained and they are more important than what I've lost, but I also feel that my feeling incomplete is justified.

In my life, the most important thing to me has always been to find a place where I felt loved. I guess I should have been more specific to myself about my goal.

No one is left who understands me anymore. I pushed away all who have. I have only myself to blame for what I've gotten myself into. I want so badly to be able to blame another! How can I live with someone who sabotages my every chance at happiness?

My birthday is fast approaching. I'm happy, but it also scares me. My birthday symbolizes emptiness and the sad progression of time. I have realized that I am much too young to feel this way, but what do you expect from someone who had to grow up way too fast?

The little things, the little things, they are so important. The most important of all is seeing who skips right over them and who holds onto them, cherishes them. To see who is too busy to notice and who keeps them in a special place in their heart is to see who loves you and who lives in you. But that's no little thing, because "nothing is trivial."

You can't break someone who is already broken.

You want to know my faith?! A Perfect Circle- Judith

You want to know my beliefs?! Rob Thomas- I Am An Illusion 

You want to know my dream?! Goo Goo Dolls- Name

You want to know my hopes?! Goo Goo Dolls- Better Days

You want to know my wish?! Smile Empty Soul- With This Knife

You want to know my thoughts?! Smile Empty Soul- I Want My Life

You want to know my prayer?! Smile Empty Soul- Finding Myself

You want to know my every step, my every breath?! Staind- Epiphany

You want to know my strength?!  Rob Thomas- All That I Am

Life In General
Now Playing: MxPx

Life is amazing to me. You can spend your entire adolescence preparing for a certain future and the end result is so far from your goal that you just sit there in awe. You can act a certain way your entire life until this certain point which changes you forever. You can try not to look back, but you will. You can try to get back on the trail to your goal, but you have wandered so far off the path that you cannot even see it anymore. When once everything seemed possible, now nothing does. Where do you go from there? You can't turn around, you've done it so many times you don't know which way you're facing anymore. 90 degree turn, maybe? But what guarantee is there that it will be better than where you're heading? You can keep walking straight, never knowing where you'll end up. What then, when your way becomes too trecherous to bear? Do you turn, in hopes that there is something better out there somewhere? If you go in circles, will you even recognize that tree? Eventually, won't you just get tired of wandering? Will you sit down, give up, accept this as your new place in life? Will you continue to fight for something better? Will you spend your every breath, your every step, your every thought, wish, prayer, hope, your every bit of strength trying to find that original path once again? Has it been too long, so long in fact that you won't even remember what it felt like to be following it?

 "How will I get through tomorrow, when today is in my way?"

My Dear Blog,
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Skillet

I hate this fucking state, I hate this fucking town, I hate this fucking place. I hate that no one here gives a fuck about anyone else. No one fucking cares. You, my dear blog, are the only one who listens. You are the only one who lets me get it out. It doesn't matter that no one will read this, it does not matter that no one understands, at least I got to say it. This is the one thing I do for me.

It's funny how I have always wanted this life- to be married and take care of my own child(ren). Unfortunately it's the first part I now have a problem with. I hate this. Most of the time I am wishing he would just cheat on me; then he'd be getting everything he needs and therefore would become happier. There's also the added bonus that men with mistresses usually become more caring toward their wives. I certainly would appreciate that right about now. I have stopped trying to be everything to him, I know it is impossible. All I need now is civility between us, a way for us to stay together. Tobey will never be able to look at his parents as a love to strive for, but that is okay. I can find him role models for that. The best that I can hope for is that he will see that our love for him is enough to hold us together. Really, everything I do is for him. Maybe he'll see that someday.

Being back in contact with some of my friends is a bit of help... when we actually talk. I know that they will fade away eventually, that is just the kind of friends they are. My true friends are long gone, from my own stupidity, from letting someone else control me. There is one in particular that I miss more than the others, one who I don't think I will ever get back, and it breaks my heart. I think about him often. Our conversations were always meaningful, even when they were silly. He could cheer me up, he listened, and even understood some of the weirder things about me. He was everything a good friend really is. I will always silently hate myself for letting myself be pressured into letting him go. If there was any way to find him again, I would do it in a heartbeat.

"Do you believe time heals all wounds?" 

 

Dreaming...
Mood:  sad

Today I awakened to find myself nostalgic. A couple great dreams made it very difficult for me to keep from crying when I opened my eyes. I haven't quite been able to get my mood back up to its normal level. Sometimes I just don't want to wake up and face reality; it's too heart-breaking.

25% Is Not That Great
Mood:  not sure

It's just one of those days, I'm in one of those moods and I can see that nothing on the outside is changing but many things inside me are. I am angry and I am allowed to be. I am treated like shit and the world is falling apart around me so excuse me if I SCREAM BUT I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE PISSED OFF AT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!

 No lyrics today. Today doesn't deserve any fucking lyrics.

A New Day... Everyday
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Goo Goo Dolls- Name
I feel my old strength returning. Some people will not like this (I am seeing it already), but it feels so good to get it back. No more pushover, doormat me, I will no longer be pressured to do a certain thing or feel a certain way. I will no longer need to be cared for, I care enough for myself. I am remembering who I used to be.

"I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same"

P.S.
Now Playing: Motely Crue- If I Die Tomorrow
I just had a thought. When all is said and done and I know it's my turn to go, will I be able to look back on my life and feel I've done well? Not so far. So far my life has been nothing but one failure after another, one painful experience after another. I cannot believe where this path has taken me, and I can't imagine where it ends. I wish I could hope that it gets better, but I have lost that ability as well. All I can do is wait and see. I have never before had to live in the moment just to keep myself from losing my mind. I don't like this.

Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Vertical Horizon- Everything You Want
Today is one of those days when everything is just fine but you can't help being sad. I miss all of the things that I've lost in my life; Material items with meaning, pieces of myself, but most of all, my friends. There are few people who understand me at all, and those who did "get" parts of me... I let them fade away. I know the closest ones I will never get back and that hurts me more than anyone will ever know. It is not easy to get close to me.
I was playing around online today and I almost started crying. One of the most important things I have lost about myself is the ability to dream. I can no longer imagine something that I want and actually visualize getting it. I prided myself on that ability. Now I don't know what to do. I'm slowly falling apart.

Confessions
Mood:  not sure
Sometimes I wish he'd hit me so I can just leave and feel good about it. (Cannot live with that.)

Tobey is the only thing that makes all this worth it.

I need to visit Modesto, not just because of my family or because I miss it, but because only then will I finally be able to let go of it all. (My final good-bye.)

If I get any more violent, I have to go. (I will not let myself turn into that.)

I have given up on my writing class, on my tattoos, on my keyboard. I am a woman without dreams. (What kind of woman is that?)

Every day I think I get one step closer to the edge... (and that scares me.)

I am alone. I thought I was alone before, but there were people in the background. I am now completely and totally alone. (And how I miss them!)

All I ever wanted was to feel loved, cherished. ("You are my someday...")

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Mood:  hug me
Yesterday I had a minor breakdown. I'm okay now, I'm sure of it. It's funny, but even though I feel I have lost everything I used to have, my mind was always the exception. Now I fear I am losing that too. This is not a joke, don't treat it as one. I am tired of everyone treating what I say as if it is some kind of joke. I show you compassion. I show you some damn sympathy. How difficult would it be to show me (if not a little understanding) at least that your attention span can last long enough that you can listen to a whole fucking sentence?

People think I am violent. HA! Back when I never spoke of violence, I went around punching people just for the hell of it, just because I could get away with it! Now I say out loud how nice it would be to act on my feelings and I am violent? I sit with a smile on my face, I joke, I laugh it all away. What the hell?! Don't you people judge me when you haven't a clue who I really am!

This world is a fucked up place and it's getting worse all the time. You cannot count on anything anymore. You cannot count on people, the will let you down every chance they get. You cannot count on places, they change with each passing night. You cannot count on things, because the people who make them just don't give a shit anymore. You cannot count on music, you can't even call the new stuff that anymore because songs have no meaning, music has no soul, lyrics have no heart, and the voices are created by a machine that was made by people who just don't give a shit anymore. You cannot count on reality, there just isn't one left. You cannot count on Love anymore. I don't think people know how to feel Love anymore. Somewhere along the way, people just decided to quit caring. People who you thought would always be there fade away. You are left with so much Love to give and no one willing to take it (unless it comes with sex). You cannot count on tomorrow, it will most likely be more devastating than today.

I am left sitting here, wondering... "What happened to my yesterday? Where has my today gone? How did I lose my tomorrow?" I smile because I am lucky, I am happy to an extent, I smile because I have to live in the moment, I smile because I need to be happy. I smile. I laugh. I Love "with a Love that was more than Love."

I've been having a lot of dreams lately...
Some are scary- Dad coming after me and such;
Some are weird- Having nothing to do with anything, sometimes with people who I hardly knew;
Some are sad. These ones include dreams about missed opportunities, losing loved ones, even achieving dreams that slipped between my fingers long ago.

Those last ones are the hardest.

I don't want to sleep anymore

And if I do, I don't want to wake up.



(Somebody miss me)

Please, someone give a shit about me... for once.