Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Smile Empty Soul- Silhouettes
"I don't wanna live like my mother, I don't wanna let fear rule my life; and I don't wannt live like my father, I don't wanna give up before I die..."

Never Know
Mood:  cool
You will never know all I have done;
You will never know all I have seen;
You will never know all I have fought;
You will never know all I have been;
You will never know all I have given up;
To have the life that I have chose,
All the dreams I have let float away,
You will never know.

That's what it all comes down to. There are so many things that no one will ever know.

Forgive me for the tears I do not shed; I am trying to turn cold.

Here's My Good-Bye
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "Cause it's always raining in my head. Forget all the things that I should have said..." Staind- Epiphany
I slipped up... I had feelings today. Every addict has slipped up once or twice, right? It was big-time for me tonight. I even tried to say how I feel. Don't worry, I've been punished. By him, and by myself.

I realized something tonight. I don't see our future ahead of us. I can't imagine us having a fiftieth anniversary. I can't even picture our fifth. It's weird, I could always imagine it before. Last time I could even picture it, in much detail. This, I don't know that this will last. I "knew" it would last time, but not now. That would scare me, but I don't allow myself to feel anymore (see, I'm back on track).

I have lost everything, but that's okay. I still love my kids and I will still be the same with them. I feel with them. I am me with them, the part of me I can be. As I have said, they are my soft spot. There is no shame in that. That is all I need.

Is this the life I dreamed of? Not even close. It keeps me "okay" though. It keeps "me" alive. It's too late to achieve my dream life, the line has been crossed, he has given up and so must I. No more holding on to what's already gone.

Here's my good-bye.

Now Playing: Smile Empty Soul- Finding Myself
I don't know why I try so hard to save things that are so obviously dead and gone. It's too late and I have to pay the price.

It's nice to ignore reality sometimes, pretend that things are different... but then I feel guilty, so is it really worth those few minutes of peace?

I miss it sometimes. I said it out loud today and was shocked at the pain in my voice. When I miss it, it scares me. But I am getting better, getting back to the way I was, learning not to miss things, learning not to hurt, learning not to care, learning not to feel. I am working on it and it is coming along nicely if I do say so myself. See before I would say I was going to do it, but I truly didn't want to. Now I really do and I really will. The soft spot is the kids, and that will never change, but the rest... the rest will be different, the rest will go away. If I work on it just a little longer, it won't mean anything anymore.

"I don't care anymore if I let you down, I believe that I need to be free. I'm so used to my life with you around, I don't know anymore the real me. And I thought that I found myself today, and I thought that I had control. All the change in my life just fell away, for a moment I didn't need you! ... All these tears that I've cried, you must be tired of taking care of me, but it's what you do best and I'm a liar 'cause really it's what I need. Then I thought that I found myself today, and I thought that I had control. All the change in my life just fell away, for a moment I didn't need you!"

Once again, I accept this.
Now Playing: The one song that heals.
Once again I will learn to stand alone, strong and sure. Each day brings new challenges, new thoughts and new feelings, and I will conquer it all. I will be... okay? Not exactly. But I will be alive. Not "alive" as I have been lately, but truly alive! Breathing, heart beating, surviving no matter what.

"HATE ME TODAY! HATE ME TOMORROW! HATE ME FOR ALL THE THINGS I DIDN'T DO FOR YOU! HATE ME IN WAYS! YEAH WAYS HARD TO SWOLLOW! HATE ME SO YOU CAN FINALLY SEE WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"

To Whom It May Concern:
Mood:  don't ask
I understand completely. I know some things are different, but some things are the same.
I am not who I used to be. Correction: I AM who I used to be, so very long ago.

I know that it will keep happening, I know it will never end. I know I will let it go on, simply because honestly I believe I deserve it. Let's face it, no one has (recently) tried to rid me of that belief. That's why the flashbacks and the dreams are returning... and they are blown off, just as is my every word. The headaches are returning, the insomnia, the frightened tears... the thoughts of "I gotta get away" that flashes into my mind, vivid and colorful, promising happiness on the outside.

Do not fear, I know these promises are empty. There are a few things extra that hold me here as well. However, do you even notice? Do you even care? Do you see that I am broken, angry, hurting, scared, just like I was before? Do you see I need help, as you quickly push it away? I once heard "I will do everything to make you understand that those things are not true." But that was not from you. Those words never came from you.

Oh Journal, my Blog, you are my one outlet, you are my savior; for deep down I know you will soon be forgotten by he of whom I speak, you shall be shrugged away as everything else, and left for dead. You shall be mine and only mine "forevermore" and so I am able to be open and real to you, to let you see my innermost thoughts that I fear to admit... And the time is now, for I see that over the shoulder you have been tossed, with hardly a second glance. So here it is: You will understand that I am ashamed to admit this, that I am unhappy. Not slightly unhappy, as always before. Not partially unhappy, as with my earlier years, but downright miserable. My mornings weary, my afternoons lovely, but my evenings fearful, and nights cold and lonely. You will keep my secret, won't you? And hold it tight to your chest in hope of better days to come? Aye, and not all are enemies. You see, when you are unable, it comes to grab the wheel. They don't understand, but why should they? That song, that song gets me through in my alone-ly times of need. That song is the only there for me.

'I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head; they crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed, dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone."

"An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face."

"While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to start the fight; You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate."

"And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave, kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made."

"And then I fell down yelling make it go away, just make a smile come back and shine, just like it used to be."

And I have to wonder, Dear Journal, if he even realizes that all this seems to be is me waving such a long, sad goodbye.

The Fight Inside
Now Playing: 3 Doors Down
I don't know what to say...
My words get in my way.
If only you could hear the song my heart beats for you,
Maybe you could see things from my view.
There's a piece of me that you don't know,
A part that I have been afraid to show.
You don't understand
How weak I really am.

My days slip slowly by,
Not a day that I don't want to cry,
That part that you don't see,
Is the worthlessness inside of me.

I could point my finger and throw the blame,
Do the duty of my maiden name,
But truth be told it will do nothing,
For the fault will always lay with me.

I try to find the strength inside
To fight the fear I try so hard to hide,
But I'm going to need some help with this,
Because where there once was strength lies emptiness.

There is something missing from this life...
Mood:  lyrical
Although the specifics have changed, one thing remains the same; I will always hold the dream that someday I will be somebody. I give up sometimes when reality hits, sometimes I know there has to be more to me than this.
Don't get me wrong, I love this life. There is nothing better than to help my son grow into the man he will someday be. I just wish that I could be somebody. I wish that I could put something out there to help somebody, to be remembered when I am gone. To be appreciated. To be missed. I want to produce something that will be cherished.
When I read what I have written, my poems, my songs, I believe it is possible. I believe that if only I got a break, a way to get it heard, read, whatever, It could go somewhere, it could become part of someone and finally that tiny hole inside me will be filled. I know that to some I will never be good enough no matter how far I get, but I am not looking to be enough for them, I want to be enough for ME. When I think about these things, it is so important to me to continue what I do, to write, to create the music, to do whatever it takes.
Then there are other times... the times when I realize that I am just a young woman born and raised in a small town, who moved to a big city for love. I have a story to tell, but no one to take me seriously. I am not good enough. I have no reason to keep going, no reason to keep trying, no way to move up, no way to become anyone. I am helpless, hopeless.
After awhile the hope takes over again. I have to face it, this is my passion, this is my heart. Even if it goes nowhere, it's something I have to do. My family will always come first, but I cannot seem to let go of this dream.

"I'm trying, and I'm livin' my life the best way that I can. 'Cause I'm tryin' to be somebody, I'm not tryin' to be somebody else. This life is mine I'm livin'. Don't you know me? I won't ever let you down."

I understand now.

I am beginning to wonder if maybe this was a mistake...

I AM TOO OLD FOR BULLSHIT
Mood:  irritated
It's funny... It was so important to me that the story of my father and my addiction be written at this time... but I cannot reread it to edit it. I was fine writing it, in fact I was passionate about it... but I cannot stand to read it over. Yes, I have a pretty good idea of what it says, but did it come out right? Did it make sense? Or was it like so many of these journal entries that I have reread today? I haven't a clue.

I cannot stand to see people make the same mistakes I did.

I am upset today for many reasons. I don't really know what most of them are.

I am a bit saddened by the fact that I finally have given up on believing in a "Higher Power". It was nice to be able to have someone to pray to, to ask someone for help, to thing that there was always someone there for me, who cared about me. What happens when we die? Hell if I know. But it has become all too clear that there is no God.

I feel betrayed.

I feel that it is time to give up on a part of me. It is time to resign and realize that this is who I have become and all I can do is try to improve her. I cannot bring the old one back, she has passed away with... Well, when was it exactly? What caused her to die? Part of me wants to know, and yet... how can the healing process succeed if you constantly dig up the corpse?

"I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head..."

"Still Breathing"
So I'm supposed to continue this thing. Things are supposed to get better. I don't know, I don't know how this is going to work out. I guess I'll just have to keep "taking it step by step, day by day".

Today sucks. There are so many things I am not understanding, so many things I don't get to say, so many things I can't change. All I am today is afraid. I am afraid to speak, afraid to cry, afraid to believe, afraid that all isn't as it appears to be. I suppose it's that last one that scares me the most.

Now Playing: Rob Thomas
Today I give up. I give up on this journal, on anyone caring enough to read it. I give up on anyone caring at all anymore. I give up on sharing my opinions, on expecting them to be heard. I give up on the dreams I have held onto for so long, I give up on the unrealistic hopes. I give up on sharing my feelings. I give up on having them when possible. I give up on the people I actually thought would come through. I give up on all of the things I could never completely let go of before. I give up on trying to do those certain things that always backfire on me.

Now I just find a way to deal with it when it all falls down around me.

Now Playing: Bits and pieces of my favorite songs going through my head
I don't know what to do anymore to make it okay, so I stop... everything.

Today
Today I am unhappy.
Today I wonder what's the point... of this, of that, and everything in between.
Today I worry about tommorrow, and all of the tomorrows to follow.
Today I really miss him for the man he used to be.
Today I miss me.
Today I think about forever.
Today I don't know if forever really exists.
Today I know that I'm not really here.
Today I wouldn't put up with this.
Today I could possibly be dreaming.
Today I can't tell what is real.
Today I really need a vacation.
Today I do not want to feel.
Today I would like to disappear.
Today I am afraid.
Today I hope for sleep tonight.
Today I love him.
Today I wish it will never end.
Today I try my hardest.
Today I will keep him.

If I take it day by day,
And always do what I think is right,
Maybe, just maybe,
I'll get my dream.

Sometimes I miss the pills,
Sometimes I miss the pills
That brightened up my days,
Sometimes I miss the pills,
But you don't know,
Don't care anyway.

Now Playing: The Fray
Every morning that I wake up nervous, I wonder...
I wonder and then I see.
Something always goes wrong.

Sorry, no lyrics this time. They are just not there for me right now.

OK GRRRR!
Mood:  irritated
GRRRR GRRRR GRRRR
GRRRR GRRRR
GRRRRUFFFF!

FUCK YOU!

Let's Do It Backwards Today! (Or Upside Down?)
Now Playing: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUFF!!!!
Blue October- Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling Make it go away!
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered How can you do this to me?

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you



Rob Thomas-My, My, My

The light from the window is fading
You turn on the night
The sound from the avenue's calling you
Open your eyes

And when you find
You're spending your time
Wanting for words
But never speak
You tell yourself
That the things you need come slow
But inside you just don't know

My, my, my
Let your bright light shine
Let your words live on
Far beyond this life
Beyond this life

Hold on to anything
Everything's over and done
Has the fear taken over you
Tell me
Is that what you want
To make up your life

Time after time
You're falling behind
Hold on to me
Never leave
Forever be what you mean to me right now
Don't you feel better now



Evanescence-My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand though all of these years
But you still have
All of me



Motley Crue- If I Die Tomorrow

I wake up to find myself
After all these years
And where all the time has gone
Still seems so unclear
Cause there's no one else
Since i found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know

If i die tomorrow
as the minutes fade away
i can't remember
have i said all i can say
your my everything
you make me feel so alive
if i die tomorrow

it brings out the worst in me
when your not around
i miss the sound of your voice
the silence seems so loud
cause there's no one else
since i found you
i know it's been so hard
you should know

if i die tomorrow
as the minutes fade away
i can't remember
have i said all i can say
your my everything
you make me feel so alive
if i die tomorrow

i spent all my life
looking for our innocence
i've got nothing to lose
one thing to prove
i won't make the same mistakes
now i know that everything will be ok
if i die tomorrow

if i die tomorrow
as the minutes fade away
i can't remember
have i said all i can say
your my everything
you make me feel so alive
your my everything
you make me feel so alive
if i die tomorrow
if i die tomorrow



Smile Empty Soul- Finding Myself


I don't care anymore if I let you down
I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore....the real me

And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you

All these tears that I've cried
You must be tired of taking care of me but
Its what you do best and
I'm a liar cause really its what I need

And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you

Someone like you
Someone like me
Maybe its change that set you free
Free....

And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you

And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you



Unloco-Watching Me Slip

So I sit here alone
Trying to find my own
Way to cope with everything
That I've done wrong
So I try real hard not to see
What you've done to me
But I couldn't find my heart

And there won't be any silence till it's gone
There won't be any silence till I'm
Look away, you're watchin me as I slip away
'Cause everything I know just falls apart
Now it's me as I slip away
'Cause everything that I know just falls apart

So try real hard not to see
What you've done to me
But I couldn't find a way
Then I'll see my own (way)
To cope with everything that I've done wrong

And there won't be any silence till it's gone
There won't be any silence till I'm (gone)
Look away, you're watchin me as I slip away
'Cause everything I know just falls apart
Now it's me as I slip away
'Cause everything I know just falls and, it just, it just falls apart
'Cause I'm not enough to bring you down
I'm not enough to bring you down
I'm not enough to make you happy
I'm not enough to make you stay


Diamond Rio- One More Day

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

Chorus

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

one more day

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

Chorus2X

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
with you

one more day




Three Days Grace- Gone Forever

Don't know what's going on
Don't know what went wrong
Feels like a hundred years I
Still can't believe you're gone
So I'll stay up all night
With these bloodshot eyes
While these walls surround me with the story of our life

I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever

Now things are coming clear
And I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared
So I'll stay out all night
Get drunk and fucking fight
Until the morning comes I'll
Forget about our life

I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever

First time you screamed at me
I should have made you leave
I should have known it could be so much better
I hope you're missing me
I hope I've made you see
That I'm gone forever

And now it's coming clear
That I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared

I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever
And now you're gone forever
And now you're gone forever


That's enough for now. Although I prefer older music, some of the newer lyrics aren't so bad. And I did not type them, so don't balme me for anything wrong with them.

I feel the need to add one.




3 Doors Down Ft. Bob Seger

I woke up today in London
As the plane was touching down
All I could think about was Monday
Maybe I?d be back around
If this keeps me away much longer
I don?t know what I will do
You've got to understand it?s a hard life,
that I?m going through

And when the night falls in around me
I don?t think I?ll make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way
Cuz all I think about is you

L A is getting kind of crazy
New York's getting kind of cold
I keep my head from getting lazy
I just can?t wait to get back home

And all these days I spend away
Ill make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When it?s all too much to bear

And when the night falls in around me
I don?t think I?ll make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way
Cuz all I think about is you

And all these days I spend away
Ill make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When it?s all too much to bear

And when the night falls in around me
I don?t think I?ll make it through
Use your light to guide the way

Cuz all I think about is you

Hurt has been replaced by Hate Me!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Upset Playlist
Have you ever wanted to just not exist for a little while so you didn't have to feel the way you do and everyone would just leave you alone?

I am so sick of what every day has become. I now have only this as an outlet for my extreme feelings.

I AM PISSED! SO PISSED, IN FACT, THAT EVEN THIS WILL NOT DO. SOMEONE MESS WITH ME RIGHT NOW, COME ON, I DARE YOU!