Please, someone give a shit about me... for once.

Hmmm
I was sitting here going through old things I have written and the question came to mind: Why is it that I always chose someone long distance? Without thinking, I answered myself, and I must admit that it was a bit shocking to discover the truth: Because I didn't really know them, and they didn't know me. Something to think about.

Lately...
So what have I been up to lately?

Lately I have been deep in thought.

Lately I have been trying to extinguish loneliness with games.

Lately I have been thinking of all of the people I have lost along the way.

Lately I have been realizing more and more how important the little things are.

Lately I have been noticing the beauty that can come from mistakes.

Lately I have seen that no matter what you do, some people just won't care for you as much as you do for them.

Lately I have learned that sometimes you just have to let go, that there are some things you just have to live with.

Lately I have seen only failure come from me.

Lately I have missed him, them, it.

Lately, lately I have been here, lived here, breathed and existed, I have made history, but not anything that will be taught in schools. I have loved, I have lost, I have hated (at a cost), I have dreamed, I have cried, a little piece of me has died, I have needed, I have let go, but what you will never know is that it doesn't matter, nota bit, because the future is my kid.

My Life, My Loves, My Lessons (Continued)
Before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to say:

I think that the bands, their lyrics and such, tell a lot about how I feel about these people.

My Life, My Loves, My Lessons.
It is funny how when I think of certain people in my life, especially those I have loved, I feel the need to listen to a certain band.

My life has turned into a game. No, seriously. The object of the game is to make the people around you happy without your head blowing up in the process. The thing is, it is impossible. You can be around only one person and still that person is unhappy no matter what you do or how hard you try. You just keep trying and trying and the pressure inside your head gets bigger and bigger and the pain gets worse and worse and you are sure that your head is actually growing because it gets heavier and heavier and aches more and more and then the pain is so unbearable and your goal so impossible that you have to throw something and lay down just to ease the pressure a bit, just to continue the game.

SO I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about all of the things I haven't said, all the things I haven't written, all the things I haven't done, all the things I haven't figured out, and the conclusion I come to is this:
The little things are of much more importance than the big things.

Every piece of me is small, but when they are all put together, they make up who I am. Take a tiny piece away and I am a different person.
If you make a rhinoceros out of playdoh, then eat half of his head, he is no longer a rhino. You can leave him as a broken rhino or mold him into something else, something better. You can even mold him into another rhino, but he would only be a lesser version of his former self.
I will not let myself be broken, nor will I let myself become a smaller person. I will take my experiences, my mistakes, my circumstances as an opportunity to mold myself into something better. It may take a few tries, some persistence, patience, and time, but I will do it.

Not everything needs to be done or figured out.

The little things.
Tattoos.
Accessories.
Clothes.
The ability to show anger.
(That's what it is.)
Expression.
Writing because I feel.
Making a fool of myself.
The firsts.
The lasts.
The games.
The pranks.
The freedom.
The quiet moments.
The meanings behind my tears.
The heart... The biggest little thing of all.

Yeah.

So yesterday was huge for me. So huge, in fact, that I am exhausted. I need a small vacation, some stress free time to think about nothing but having fun. Like that's ever going to happen. I can't think about this right now, it's too much and my head is overflowing with this. I need to wait until I can clear it a bit before I try to figure this out.

I give up on trying to remain close to my family; I hate what they've become. For the most part I will remain the same while I am with them, but distance does a lot to people.

Still, I would kill to go to Modesto right now. I need it, I am not sure what it will do for me, but I need it.

Still Dreaming
I had a dream last night. Funny, I remember nothing about it except that it took place in Modesto. I woke up feeling like I have not felt in a long time. Felt peaceful, like everything was going to be just fine, like the world would someday hear my words, like I have made an impact in the lives of people who are no longer in mine. It was an amazing feeling.

The depression that I have been experiencing (and I do not use the word "depression" lightly) seems to have slipped away for the time being. But how? How can one dream put hope in its place? I don't understand it, but although it is my nature to question that which I do not understand, I am afraid to this time.

The strength has not all slipped away. I will stand strong, stand tall, and let come what may. I will not let go of the pieces that remain, I still need them, for it is my dreams that keep me sane.

It seems I have underestimated the hate that comes with being a man: I never thought that "I love you" would be used in such a way. That is a new low. However, I suppose I should really be angry at myself; after all, how many men have I been around who were not filled with so much hate? Silly, stupid me.

In other news... I have not been this depressed in a long time. This is not understood at all, and therefor I have not spoken about it. The truth is... I don't know what to do about all of this. There is so much going on inside that no one knows about, everyone is too busy with their own lives to give a fuck about anyone elses's feelings, even family. I hate this.

I have one light that shines brightly in this life. I feel he is probably the only thing keeping me from a padded room right now. My everything revolves around him and that's why I have to work so hard at this. I cannot let him grow up thinking that this is okay, that this is normal. No telling what kind of person he would turn into then.
Not only him, there are three others, too. They are also constantly on my mind, they are also what keeps me calm sometimes. It takes all the strength I have to keep from punching a hole in the wall sometimes and these four are what gives me that strength. If not for them, who knows where I'd be... I have an idea, but you can never really know for sure.

So...
Now Playing: Bands
Am I cold? I try not to be. Some things I need to try harder at.

The music helps me.

It is a new year and a lot has changed inside. I can't explain.

Today has been... different. Tattoos have become all too important to me now. I have drawn them out. They are so permanent, such an awesome way to make a statement, to tell a story. An awesome way to prove that forever really exists. You don't understand and that's okay. I am afraid that it will never happen, that it is just another dream that will get thrown to the side. There are too many of those as it is. I am going to hold off on creating new dreams for awhile.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??? I have to be a pessimist because I am so weak, so fragile, on the edge of a MAJOR breakdown. I have to keep it together for them, at least until I can strengthen myself. Believing in something is a luxury I cannot handle right now. I cannot take the fall of reality.

I no longer have pills to take the edge off.
("Shhh, don't tell anyone, but it's not the pills that I'm really missing on those difficult, stressful days and nights.")

Listen to the lyrics, there is a secret in there.

Tell me, is this odd?
Drown, Drowning In It
Animal I Have Become, Becoming I
Anything, Nothing
Far Side, The Other Side
Hold On, Let It Die
Radio In A Hole, Radios In Heaven
Take Me Away, Take Me Under
Scared, Whimper
Your Fault, Your Way
Happy Someday, Every Sunday
Hate (I Really Don't Like You), I Hate Everything About You, Making Me Hate You
Leavin', Gone Forever
Finding Myself, Losing Myself

Anyway, I never thought I would be in this position.

Do you ever just want to scream?

When I lay dying, will I finally stop worrying about others and focus on myself?
What do I say? I've imagined it a million times.

If the missing piece isn't missing, what is left to do?

Is this too much? No, I don't think so. I think it will be fine.

Clips of various things I have written pop into my head. Mostly angry. Things are coming clear but it is difficult to keep down the anger. Am I blaming others for things they couldn't possibly control? Maybe. I cannot blame myself, for it was beyond my own control (I think). There is no one else to blame. I also get angry at that which is controllable to others but not to me. I hate when things are beyond my control.

I know how to deal with the part of me that is left behind, but what about the part that remains? It's so hard... I am trying, I need to try harder.

Modesto will always be my hometown. Modesto will always be my home town. Modesto will always be my home. I can't wait to visit. I miss it so much.

My Heart Is Nervous
Now Playing: Plain White T's
I sit here thinking:

It's the 26th, so like 5 days left.
I had stopped doing resolutions before, but maybe it's time to take that up again.
What would my resolution be?
I try, but cannot put it into words.
Just know that things will be better.
I will be better.
In every way.

5 days to figure everything out.
Some things I have.
These five days will be very difficult.
These five days will be very emotional.
I will be a better person for it.

5 days to let go.
I have to let go of people.
Grudges.
Anger.
Pain.
Dreams.
Memories.
Pieces of me.

I have given pieces of my heart to so many people.
It seems I have none left.
Actually I have one small piece.
It is hardly visible.
It holds together the pieces others have given me.
I think this one is smaller than my own.

The truth has come out.
To me and me only.
I need someone to talk to.
I need the words to say.

It's time to continue writing.
I no longer care what they think.
I need to write.
...
The television inspires me.
The music strengthens it.
It may come from my mind.
It may come from my heart.
It may come from both.
The names are important.

Don't believe what you are told.
People lie.
People don't know what they are talking about.
...
Sit in silence.
Don't hold back.
Don't think.
Feel.
Even if you don't know why.
It will come.
Inspiration.
Motivation.
Muse.
Reality.
Truth.
Everything that is inside of you that you have been trying to hide, trying to push down, trying to bury, trying to ignore, trying to forget, trying to let go, trying to disbelieve.

THIS IS WHAT IT ALL COMES DOWN TO (thoughts on many subjects):
Now Playing: SES/TDG
Is there a such thing as soul mates?
They say, "Don't ever think that almost is good enough for you."
I'm not okay, not until I figure this out.
I'm sorry.

Lyrics:
"I let myself fall into a lie, I let my walls come down. I let myself smile and feel alive, I let my walls come down. No matter how I try, I don't know why you pushed so far away, you wrapped your hands tight around my heart and squeezed it full of pain. With this knife I'll cut out the part of me, the part that cares for you. With this knife I'll cut out the heart of me, the heart that cares for you."
"Hold it in your hand, what used to be your life. This world is crazy, crazy. My dreams are fading, fading. I want my life."
"And I thought that I found myself today, and I thought that I had control."

I have never been this hurt before in my life. Not with my dad, not when I lost him before, never. It feels like it's over, but I can't stand the thought. I don't want to be in the way anymore, but I can't imagine my life not being here with him. I'm in so much pain right now... I don't even have the words

I AM SO SICK OF THIS!
Now Playing: Unloco
I cannot live like this. I am pissed off all the time and that's not me. I hate this, the way I am living. I sit and I try and get nothing in return and it's pissing me off... I refuse to turn into that person I used to be, the one who hates life and all that comes with it, the one who can never open up because there is nothing to share, who is so full of anger and hate that she ceases to be a person and is only a shell of her former self... but it seems I am being pressured to be that person and the only thing that has been keeping me away from that is my occasional "hide-and-cry" when I am too angry to even speak. It is becoming more frequent, but sometimes I forget to do it and am left with anger that only grows.

I am going to end up hurt no matter what. I have a choice, however; Physical pain or emotional. Physical is much easier for me, but it will end up hurting others emotionally and I just can't have that. I choose emotional, I choose to hurt and cry so no one else has to. As long as I "hide-and-cry", they don't even have to know.

"Everything I know just falls apart."

I AM SO SICK OF CRYING OVER YOU!!!!
Mood:  blue
Real love, true love, ever-lasting, with-all-of-the-heart-and-soul love should not be filled with this many tears.

When you are in love with someone, there are certain things that you do not say or do to them no matter what. I have been pushed so hard lately... some of these things have been done to me so often lately that I have almost said some things. It is difficult, but I have so far held my tongue and only spoke the words in my head. I am so thankful for the little brain in there that has saved me from speaking so many times.

I... Well, I think this poem says enough for now, I finished it today.

If you weren't so cold,
Maybe then I could warm up to you;
If your words were not so icy,
Maybe I could venture near;
Thought of the icewater in your veins
Chills me straight to the bone,
And your heart is frozen solid,
Which could be contagious I fear.

Without you my heart turns to a puddle,
And my mind is set on cruise,
But what good is being whole
When the parts cannot be used?

I am not sure what to do from here,
It seems I lose either way,
Maybe if I keep at a slight distance,
You'll learn to defrost someday.

Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: SNL Chris Farley
Those Damn Mormons won't leave me alone. I try to be nice because I respect their beliefs. I try to hint at them that they are wasting their time, but they don't get it. I am through being polite. They are not going to get me to believe in God again... no one can until my questions get answered.

I can't believe I cried over the puzzle when it fell. When I did, I realized a few things. That wasn't just a puzzle to me, it was a connection to my mom. I really need that right now, because I am having issues dealing with her right now. Not only was the puzzle a connection to my mom, it also was about me trying to put back together the pieces of my life and of myself.It is taking a lot of hard work, and it was just heartbreaking to watch it fall apart, almost in slow motion, and not be able to do anything about it. But I put it back together, all but that missing piece. Now I see how perfect it is that the piece is missing. I don't know whether it got lost or just was never there to begin with, but I will never give up hope that I will come across it some day. Does that fit my life, myself, or what? I am thinking of putting it up on the wall as is, just to remind myself that it is beautiful even without the missing piece, and to never give up hope. I need that now.

My mom... She told me she was doing what she thought was best when she left me there. That used to be enough for me. She knew I was miserable, that he didn't treat me right, although she didn't know how far it had gone. She didn't even try to be there for me, let alone do anything about it. When her boyfriend wasn't right to me, she kept him there left at night so I was alone with him, even moved him back in after I left. I thought maybe I would understand these things after I had a kid of my own, but it's even harder now. Her answers aren't enough for me anymore. Maybe I'll never get it, that just means I'll never get over it.

Alcohol has destroyed my life in many ways... I will not let it in anymore. Anyone who needs it to be around, can just stay away.