Dreaming...
Mood:  sad

Today I awakened to find myself nostalgic. A couple great dreams made it very difficult for me to keep from crying when I opened my eyes. I haven't quite been able to get my mood back up to its normal level. Sometimes I just don't want to wake up and face reality; it's too heart-breaking.

25% Is Not That Great
Mood:  not sure

It's just one of those days, I'm in one of those moods and I can see that nothing on the outside is changing but many things inside me are. I am angry and I am allowed to be. I am treated like shit and the world is falling apart around me so excuse me if I SCREAM BUT I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE PISSED OFF AT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!

 No lyrics today. Today doesn't deserve any fucking lyrics.

A New Day... Everyday
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Goo Goo Dolls- Name
I feel my old strength returning. Some people will not like this (I am seeing it already), but it feels so good to get it back. No more pushover, doormat me, I will no longer be pressured to do a certain thing or feel a certain way. I will no longer need to be cared for, I care enough for myself. I am remembering who I used to be.

"I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same"

P.S.
Now Playing: Motely Crue- If I Die Tomorrow
I just had a thought. When all is said and done and I know it's my turn to go, will I be able to look back on my life and feel I've done well? Not so far. So far my life has been nothing but one failure after another, one painful experience after another. I cannot believe where this path has taken me, and I can't imagine where it ends. I wish I could hope that it gets better, but I have lost that ability as well. All I can do is wait and see. I have never before had to live in the moment just to keep myself from losing my mind. I don't like this.

Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Vertical Horizon- Everything You Want
Today is one of those days when everything is just fine but you can't help being sad. I miss all of the things that I've lost in my life; Material items with meaning, pieces of myself, but most of all, my friends. There are few people who understand me at all, and those who did "get" parts of me... I let them fade away. I know the closest ones I will never get back and that hurts me more than anyone will ever know. It is not easy to get close to me.
I was playing around online today and I almost started crying. One of the most important things I have lost about myself is the ability to dream. I can no longer imagine something that I want and actually visualize getting it. I prided myself on that ability. Now I don't know what to do. I'm slowly falling apart.

Confessions
Mood:  not sure
Sometimes I wish he'd hit me so I can just leave and feel good about it. (Cannot live with that.)

Tobey is the only thing that makes all this worth it.

I need to visit Modesto, not just because of my family or because I miss it, but because only then will I finally be able to let go of it all. (My final good-bye.)

If I get any more violent, I have to go. (I will not let myself turn into that.)

I have given up on my writing class, on my tattoos, on my keyboard. I am a woman without dreams. (What kind of woman is that?)

Every day I think I get one step closer to the edge... (and that scares me.)

I am alone. I thought I was alone before, but there were people in the background. I am now completely and totally alone. (And how I miss them!)

All I ever wanted was to feel loved, cherished. ("You are my someday...")

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Mood:  hug me
Yesterday I had a minor breakdown. I'm okay now, I'm sure of it. It's funny, but even though I feel I have lost everything I used to have, my mind was always the exception. Now I fear I am losing that too. This is not a joke, don't treat it as one. I am tired of everyone treating what I say as if it is some kind of joke. I show you compassion. I show you some damn sympathy. How difficult would it be to show me (if not a little understanding) at least that your attention span can last long enough that you can listen to a whole fucking sentence?

People think I am violent. HA! Back when I never spoke of violence, I went around punching people just for the hell of it, just because I could get away with it! Now I say out loud how nice it would be to act on my feelings and I am violent? I sit with a smile on my face, I joke, I laugh it all away. What the hell?! Don't you people judge me when you haven't a clue who I really am!

This world is a fucked up place and it's getting worse all the time. You cannot count on anything anymore. You cannot count on people, the will let you down every chance they get. You cannot count on places, they change with each passing night. You cannot count on things, because the people who make them just don't give a shit anymore. You cannot count on music, you can't even call the new stuff that anymore because songs have no meaning, music has no soul, lyrics have no heart, and the voices are created by a machine that was made by people who just don't give a shit anymore. You cannot count on reality, there just isn't one left. You cannot count on Love anymore. I don't think people know how to feel Love anymore. Somewhere along the way, people just decided to quit caring. People who you thought would always be there fade away. You are left with so much Love to give and no one willing to take it (unless it comes with sex). You cannot count on tomorrow, it will most likely be more devastating than today.

I am left sitting here, wondering... "What happened to my yesterday? Where has my today gone? How did I lose my tomorrow?" I smile because I am lucky, I am happy to an extent, I smile because I have to live in the moment, I smile because I need to be happy. I smile. I laugh. I Love "with a Love that was more than Love."

I've been having a lot of dreams lately...
Some are scary- Dad coming after me and such;
Some are weird- Having nothing to do with anything, sometimes with people who I hardly knew;
Some are sad. These ones include dreams about missed opportunities, losing loved ones, even achieving dreams that slipped between my fingers long ago.

Those last ones are the hardest.

I don't want to sleep anymore

And if I do, I don't want to wake up.



(Somebody miss me)

Please, someone give a shit about me... for once.

Hmmm
I was sitting here going through old things I have written and the question came to mind: Why is it that I always chose someone long distance? Without thinking, I answered myself, and I must admit that it was a bit shocking to discover the truth: Because I didn't really know them, and they didn't know me. Something to think about.

Lately...
So what have I been up to lately?

Lately I have been deep in thought.

Lately I have been trying to extinguish loneliness with games.

Lately I have been thinking of all of the people I have lost along the way.

Lately I have been realizing more and more how important the little things are.

Lately I have been noticing the beauty that can come from mistakes.

Lately I have seen that no matter what you do, some people just won't care for you as much as you do for them.

Lately I have learned that sometimes you just have to let go, that there are some things you just have to live with.

Lately I have seen only failure come from me.

Lately I have missed him, them, it.

Lately, lately I have been here, lived here, breathed and existed, I have made history, but not anything that will be taught in schools. I have loved, I have lost, I have hated (at a cost), I have dreamed, I have cried, a little piece of me has died, I have needed, I have let go, but what you will never know is that it doesn't matter, nota bit, because the future is my kid.

My Life, My Loves, My Lessons (Continued)
Before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to say:

I think that the bands, their lyrics and such, tell a lot about how I feel about these people.

My Life, My Loves, My Lessons.
It is funny how when I think of certain people in my life, especially those I have loved, I feel the need to listen to a certain band.

My life has turned into a game. No, seriously. The object of the game is to make the people around you happy without your head blowing up in the process. The thing is, it is impossible. You can be around only one person and still that person is unhappy no matter what you do or how hard you try. You just keep trying and trying and the pressure inside your head gets bigger and bigger and the pain gets worse and worse and you are sure that your head is actually growing because it gets heavier and heavier and aches more and more and then the pain is so unbearable and your goal so impossible that you have to throw something and lay down just to ease the pressure a bit, just to continue the game.

SO I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about all of the things I haven't said, all the things I haven't written, all the things I haven't done, all the things I haven't figured out, and the conclusion I come to is this:
The little things are of much more importance than the big things.

Every piece of me is small, but when they are all put together, they make up who I am. Take a tiny piece away and I am a different person.
If you make a rhinoceros out of playdoh, then eat half of his head, he is no longer a rhino. You can leave him as a broken rhino or mold him into something else, something better. You can even mold him into another rhino, but he would only be a lesser version of his former self.
I will not let myself be broken, nor will I let myself become a smaller person. I will take my experiences, my mistakes, my circumstances as an opportunity to mold myself into something better. It may take a few tries, some persistence, patience, and time, but I will do it.

Not everything needs to be done or figured out.

The little things.
Tattoos.
Accessories.
Clothes.
The ability to show anger.
(That's what it is.)
Expression.
Writing because I feel.
Making a fool of myself.
The firsts.
The lasts.
The games.
The pranks.
The freedom.
The quiet moments.
The meanings behind my tears.
The heart... The biggest little thing of all.

Yeah.

So yesterday was huge for me. So huge, in fact, that I am exhausted. I need a small vacation, some stress free time to think about nothing but having fun. Like that's ever going to happen. I can't think about this right now, it's too much and my head is overflowing with this. I need to wait until I can clear it a bit before I try to figure this out.

I give up on trying to remain close to my family; I hate what they've become. For the most part I will remain the same while I am with them, but distance does a lot to people.

Still, I would kill to go to Modesto right now. I need it, I am not sure what it will do for me, but I need it.

Still Dreaming
I had a dream last night. Funny, I remember nothing about it except that it took place in Modesto. I woke up feeling like I have not felt in a long time. Felt peaceful, like everything was going to be just fine, like the world would someday hear my words, like I have made an impact in the lives of people who are no longer in mine. It was an amazing feeling.

The depression that I have been experiencing (and I do not use the word "depression" lightly) seems to have slipped away for the time being. But how? How can one dream put hope in its place? I don't understand it, but although it is my nature to question that which I do not understand, I am afraid to this time.

The strength has not all slipped away. I will stand strong, stand tall, and let come what may. I will not let go of the pieces that remain, I still need them, for it is my dreams that keep me sane.

It seems I have underestimated the hate that comes with being a man: I never thought that "I love you" would be used in such a way. That is a new low. However, I suppose I should really be angry at myself; after all, how many men have I been around who were not filled with so much hate? Silly, stupid me.

In other news... I have not been this depressed in a long time. This is not understood at all, and therefor I have not spoken about it. The truth is... I don't know what to do about all of this. There is so much going on inside that no one knows about, everyone is too busy with their own lives to give a fuck about anyone elses's feelings, even family. I hate this.

I have one light that shines brightly in this life. I feel he is probably the only thing keeping me from a padded room right now. My everything revolves around him and that's why I have to work so hard at this. I cannot let him grow up thinking that this is okay, that this is normal. No telling what kind of person he would turn into then.
Not only him, there are three others, too. They are also constantly on my mind, they are also what keeps me calm sometimes. It takes all the strength I have to keep from punching a hole in the wall sometimes and these four are what gives me that strength. If not for them, who knows where I'd be... I have an idea, but you can never really know for sure.

So...
Now Playing: Bands
Am I cold? I try not to be. Some things I need to try harder at.

The music helps me.

It is a new year and a lot has changed inside. I can't explain.

Today has been... different. Tattoos have become all too important to me now. I have drawn them out. They are so permanent, such an awesome way to make a statement, to tell a story. An awesome way to prove that forever really exists. You don't understand and that's okay. I am afraid that it will never happen, that it is just another dream that will get thrown to the side. There are too many of those as it is. I am going to hold off on creating new dreams for awhile.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??? I have to be a pessimist because I am so weak, so fragile, on the edge of a MAJOR breakdown. I have to keep it together for them, at least until I can strengthen myself. Believing in something is a luxury I cannot handle right now. I cannot take the fall of reality.

I no longer have pills to take the edge off.
("Shhh, don't tell anyone, but it's not the pills that I'm really missing on those difficult, stressful days and nights.")

Listen to the lyrics, there is a secret in there.

Tell me, is this odd?
Drown, Drowning In It
Animal I Have Become, Becoming I
Anything, Nothing
Far Side, The Other Side
Hold On, Let It Die
Radio In A Hole, Radios In Heaven
Take Me Away, Take Me Under
Scared, Whimper
Your Fault, Your Way
Happy Someday, Every Sunday
Hate (I Really Don't Like You), I Hate Everything About You, Making Me Hate You
Leavin', Gone Forever
Finding Myself, Losing Myself

Anyway, I never thought I would be in this position.

Do you ever just want to scream?

When I lay dying, will I finally stop worrying about others and focus on myself?
What do I say? I've imagined it a million times.

If the missing piece isn't missing, what is left to do?

Is this too much? No, I don't think so. I think it will be fine.