Parody of Love

Angel moved into the room and stood looking at her questioningly. Buffy knew what he wanted her to say, but she just couldn’t. Suddenly the urge to run away was more that she could ignore.

“Excuse me for a moment. I have to go to the little girl’s room” she said as she whirled around and virtually ran down the hall. As the bathroom door slammed closed behind her, Buffy threw the lock and let out a sigh of relief. Moving over to the toilet, she lowered the lid and sat down. She didn’t really need to go, she just needed to sit quietly alone for a few minutes while she got her brain cells back into gear.

'Oh God!.....Spike.....what was she going to do?' But her mind stubbornly refused to provide her with the appropriate answer. 'OK, lets try being practical here and work this out logically. Her thing with Spike was a new thing.....no real commitment or relationship there. No time to figure out if the feelings she thought she had for him were real or not. On the other hand, she and Angel had history. She loved him. Hell, she had stood by while he terrorised and even killed her friends! No matter what had happened, she had remained deeply in love with him. “Killing” him had almost destroyed her. So, maybe she was just confused about his return after so long? Maybe if she just gave it a chance things could go back to the way they were? And of course, she knew Angel loved her, and Spike...wel,l he was an unknown in that department. The one question she couldn't bring herself to face was ‘who do I love’!

'OK, so the thing to do here is give Angel a chance; see if we can work this out.'

Mind made up, Buffy stood and unlocked the door. Then taking a deep breath, she opened the door and moved back into the living room. Without pause she walked straight up to Angel a gave him alittle kiss on the lips. For the first time, she managed to raise her eyes to his and saw hurt and confusion in their depths.

“Buffy, I think we need to talk” Angel began.

But Buffy hushed him with another kiss. “Later” was all she said, as she took his hand and led him towards the bedroom.

Buffy awoke and immediately remembered everything. It didn’t need time to filter back into her conscious mind.....it was just there!

Gently, she moved out of Angel’s arms and turned so she could see the clock. 11a.m.....she looked back at Angel and saw that he was deep in The Sleep.

Quietly, she got up and slipped on a T-shirt and moved over to sit in the old rocking chair in the far corner of the bedroom. For hours she sat there just staring at him. No real thoughts went through her mind, it was just a numb blank feeling that settled into every cell in her body.

After awhile, her mind managed to form a thought. 'I *need* a drink and a cigarette,' she thought as she quietly left the room and moved down the hall towards the kitchen. A few minutes later she emerged back into the living room, with glass and cigarette in hand and moved over to stand at the window. “Spike” she said quietly.....but no one answered her call.

Buffy sighed and turned away from the window and looked woodenly around her bare living room. She didn’t want to go back into the bedroom. She felt alittle less uptight out here. Her eyes settled on her old stereo.

As if drawn by a magnet, Buffy moved to the stereo and sank down on the floor in front of it. Quickly she scrambled through her CDs looking for Fleetwood Mac. Found, she inserted it into the stereo and placed the headphones over her ears.

And then her mind with filled with the opening chords of Stevie Nicks singing ‘Sara’. Buffy closed her eyes, and let her mind travel back to the night Spike had held her in his arms and danced with her to this song....

It was too much. The memories came flooding back and as they came they ripped her to pieces. Buffy bent over double as if she’d been physically kicked in the stomach and she struggled to get some breath into her reluctant lungs. Unbidden, the tears began to flow down her face. 'No damn it.....you didn’t tell me about the fire.....oh god....why didn’t you tell me about the fire!

Buffy was so emersed in the song and her emotions, that she didn’t sense Angel’s presence until he reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder. Startled, she raised her eyes, naked with emotion, to his. Quickly she lowered her gaze, knocked the headphones off her ears and tried to compose herself.

Angel didn’t say a word, he just continued to stare at her thoughtfully before turning and moving back towards the bedroom. At the door he stopped, and without turning around he said,

“I have to go out. I need to find somewhere to get food supplies from” and then he disappeared into the darkness of the bedroom.

For the first time, Buffy noticed that night had fallen while she had been pre-occupied with her music. Her eyes flew to the window. Somewhere out there, Spike was moving around. 'I wonder what he’s doing right now,' she thought before turning back to her stereo and replacing the headphones. Grabbing a pillow from the old couch, she laid down on the floor and let herself drift off to the fantasy world offered by the music.

She wasn’t conscious of Angel leaving, nor did she know how much time had passed....she might even have slept for awhile, but suddenly she was acutely aware of the emptiness of her house. Sitting up, she reached out a finger, flipped the stereo off and removed the headphones.

Around her the house sat in silent darkness, but Buffy didn’t reach for a light. She had come to prefer the darkness. Slowly she rose to her feet and moved towards the bedroom.

She sensed Angel was gone. Not just gone to get some food, but gone gone! As she moved into the deserted bedroom, her eyes fell onto the single white rose that was laying across her pillow. Gently she picked up the rose and held it to her nose, before turning and walking slowly back out into the hall.

She had only managed a few steps down the hall before her legs collapsed under her. The carefully walled dam broke with a vengeance as Buffy leaned against the hallway wall and sobbed for Angel, for Spike, for her family and friends, for those who had died, and for herself. As the emotion tore through her, her hands clamped down involuntarily on the Rose she carried.....thorns dug themselves into her skin and blood began to trickle out, staining the white rose petals to blood red.

Chapter Eleven

I want to run, I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls, that hold me inside
I want to reach out, and touch the flame
Where the streets have no name.....
(U2 Streets have no name)

Spike had always been a dangerous and deadly Vamp, but now he was just plain deadly!

He had refused to let his mind dwell on thoughts of the Slayer with Angel, so instead he had given himself over completely to the demon that ruled him. He strode through the night taking death and destruction with him as a soul mate.

After what seemed like an eternity, Buffy managed to slow her tears to a controllable level. She had to talk to someone. She had to know what to do.

Using both hands she managed to claw her way up the wall, and finally achieved a standing position. Then using the wall for support, she headed back into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. Reaching out for a corner of the sheet, she wrapped it around her bloody hand, before reaching out for the phone.

What in the hell was she going to say? how did you say “hi” to someone you had abandoned over a year ago?

Buffy’s hands paused over the key pad, but then in a flurry of decision, she dialed the old number that was as familiar to her as her own name.

A sleepy voice answered.......

Buffy felt her throat tighten at the sound of the voice and for a moment she thought she was going to be unable to speak, but then her voice returned,

“Will......it’s me, Buffy”

“BUFFY!!!......where are you, where have you been?”

Buffy smiled briefly at the sound of her excited friend

“Will, I need to talk...”

There was silence on the other end of the phone as Willow heard the pain in Buffy’s voice

“So talk Buffy, I’m listening” was all she said.

Buffy closed her eyes and blessed Willow straight to heaven. Her friend wasn’t going to question her about the million or so things that she obviously wanted to. She had recognised her friend’s pain and was ready to deal with it. The other stuff could wait.

Buffy took a deep breath and plunged in. She didn’t pause and she didn’t spare herself. She told Willow everything. Willow didn’t interrupt; she let Buffy ramble until she came to a halt all by herself.

“Wow!” was Willow’s initial comment as Buffy’s explanations drew to a close.

“Willow, what do I do?” said Buffy in desperation

“Well, I don’t know Buffy.....love triangles aren’t really in my experience!”

“What about Xander and Oz” Buffy offered

“Well that doesn’t count. Not in the same league as you, Angel and Spike. Now that is a *major* triangle.”

“Willow....” said Buffy, trying to get her friend back on track.

“OK...OK....I get the point....here is how I see it” the girl began, “Angel was your first love, but you were only sixteen when you met him. He knew it, and he also knew that you would grow up and mature and maybe even grow away from him. Maybe that’s why he tried to stay so distant from you. And remember, you only made love the once, and then he became Angelus......and he did alot of things to hurt you. Even though he was a demon, those things must have impacted on your feelings for him. All those months of living without Angel while Angelus taunted you, must have been terrible. Then when you finally killed him, you ended up killing Angel instead. Then you had to turn around and mentally let him go. He was dead Buffy and you moved on”

“So what does that have to do with now? Why can’t I just take him back and be happy?”

“Well, I’m no expert on love, but I have read a fair few books, so I can tell you the general consensus of opinion”

“Go on then, I’m listening”

“Buffy, you grew up, you changed.....and Angel wasn’t there with you. The old Buffy still loves Angel, but you have moved on. You're not ‘the old Buffy’ anymore, and if there is one thing the books are agreed on, it’s that you can never go back. Once love has moved on, then that is that!”

Buffy thought about Willow’s words. They felt right. When she thought of Angel she felt something like brotherly love for him. She cared *about* him, and she could think back and clearly acknowledge the passionate love that she had once had for him, but Willow’s words had helped her realise one important thing.....she no longer loved Angel passionately. Willow was right.....she *had* moved on!

“Willow, I gotta go think about all this."

“OK. I understand, but you will call me back again. You won’t just disappear on me?”

“I promise Willow.....I’ll call back”

“.....and Willow....”

“What?”

“Thank you for being my friend” said Buffy as she gently returned the receiver to it's cradle and laid her head back onto the pillow.

Finally she had some direction for her thoughts. She laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling while her mind began to search through her memories, trying to restore some semblance of order to her battered emotions.

Angel and Spike. On the surface, so much alike.......but when you got to know them, the differences were so obvious. Angel was quiet and cautious, always thinking before he lept.....always wondering if he was doing the right thing......trying to live with a guilt that was tearing him apart. Buffy thought back to the many tight situations she had found herself in. Sometimes Angel would be there to help her, but often he was not. Sometimes he had to be fetched to help and even then he came cautiously.....always taking the back seat to her lead.

And then their was Spike. He always seemed to know exactly what he wanted and he’d go after it with a single minded passion. Often it appeared that he would leep into something without thinking, but that wasn’t true.....Spike never acted without thinking things through. He just did his thinking subtly and quickly. And Spike felt no guilt at his existence, he accepted what he was and lived with it.....no guilt trip there. She knew that if she was with Spike, that she would never fight alone. He would be there, count on it.....and he wouldn’t be behind her, he’d be beside her all the way. No one would ever have to go and drag Spike to come and help her!

But she was forgetting one important fact here. Angel had a soul and Spike was a Demon. But no, that didn’t feel right. When Angel had lost his soul and became Angelus, he had not a single thread of compassion or love in him. Spike was a demon but Buffy knew she had sensed love within him, even in his demon state.

Buffy’s mind continued to whirl around, until at some point it called a halt to the endless analyisation and Buffy drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

Chapter Twelve

You’ve been with him now you come back, my lady
What’s he like?
Here’s my heart feel the power
It will be torture and bliss
(P Young: San Un Madona)

Buffy awoke just as night had started to fall. Quickly she dressed and was just about to leave the bedroom when she came to a halt. She turned around and moved back to her dressing table and stared at herself in the mirror for a few moments. Then she reached up and undid the clasp that held the cross to her neck and gently placed it on the table. Then she reached in her bag and withdrew all the tools of her trade and laid them into the draw.

Defenseless she moved into the night, in search of one of the deadliest vampires to ever walk the face of the earth.

Buffy stood in the middle of Spike’s empty apartment and listened for any sound of movement. 'Nope, the place is definitely empty' she thought to herself as she moved to flick on the light switch. As light flooded the room, Buffy saw to her relief, that all his things were still here. 'OK, so wherever he is, he will eventually come back here......I’ll just have to wait it out!'

Buffy had entered the apartment through the broken window which had been caused by the minion Vamp fleeing when she had scared him that first night at Spike’s apartment. Spike hadn’t had the window fixed yet.....instead it had been boarded over, so it had been a relatively easy task to break some of the wood and gain entry. Not forgetting the vulnerability of the person she was seeking, Buffy moved back to the broken wood and spent some time repairing it....trying to ensure that no light would enter as dawn approached. Then she turned and contemplated the apartment.

For the first time in days she felt a degree of peace steal into her soul. Even though Spike was not here, being around his things gave her comfort.

Slowly she sank into a chair and prepared to wait out his return. A glance at the clock told her it was now 3 a.m, so she still had some time to wait. No problem. In the scheme of the current problems, waiting was minor!

Briefly, she considered the risk she was putting herself in. Spike might not be pleased to see her, and he might even decide to attack, and here she was without even a cross!

Buffy discarded the idea. If her feelings about Spike were correct, then he wouldn’t harm her, and if she was wrong, then there was no point living anyway! In coming here unarmed, she hoped to show him that she trusted him.

Buffy continued to sit and wait. She didn’t turn on the TV or stereo, she just sat and waited for the door to open and Spike to arrive. At some point, she must have dozed off to sleep, because when she awoke, dawn was well on its way across the sky.

Leaping up, she tore round the apartment. No Spike! So where was he? Dawn was up! Suddenly she came to a halt. Maybe he was with Dru. He believed her to be happily back with Angel, so why should he not return to Dru. Maybe he was still in love with Vampiress and had only helped her escape out of some lingering degree of loyalty for the experiences they had shared!

At the thought of Spike with Dru, Buffy felt an overwhelming sense of dispare creep over her. 'Is this how he must have felt seeing me with Angel?' she thought to herself....finally understanding how much she must have hurt him.

“Oh God, what have I done” she whispered into the empty apartment. Then after a brief pause, "Please let me have the chance to talk to him, just once....please” she begged the empty space. But the empty apartment refused to promise her anything. The sound of silence closed in around her and intensified her dispare.

Finally, Buffy realised that she was actually hungry, so she moved into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Nothing, completely empty. Quickly she moved round the kitchen searching. On the exterior the kitchen looked like any normal kitchen. A toaster sat on the counter top, and various other kitchen utensils sat dotted around, but that is where the similarities ended. Every single cabinet and draw was completely empty. The kitchen was nothing but a show place to hide his true nature from anyone who might visit unasked.

Buffy didn’t know why she was surprised; she knew he didn’t eat or drink human food, but it still bothered her that there was no signs of humanity in the kitchen. She thought back to Angel’s apartment, he had always kept something in for unexpected visitors.....just in case!

Sighing, she realised that a trip to the store would be needed. If there was one thing she truly hated, it was shopping for food! Still, she could use the fresh air. There was no chance that she would miss Spike while she was out since the sun was high in the sky, and wherever he was, he was deep in The Sleep.

Buffy grabbed her purse and moved to the front door. Carefully, she hooked the door onto the latch so that she could get back in, and then she moved out into the blinding daylight.

By the time Buffy returned to the apartment, dusk was beginning to chase the sun from the skys.

After she had left the apartment that morning, she had found that she had no desire to return to it immediately. Instead, she had wandered around the park before slipping into a fast food restaurant to satisfy her growing hunger. Then, she had taken herself window shopping in an attempt to redirect her mind from the constant thoughts of Spike. As the afternoon sun had started to fade, she had turned her feet back in the direction of Spike’s apartment.

Moving into the apartment she took a quick look around. No change, she was still alone. She returned to the kitchen and placed her one purchase, a six pack of beer, into the fridge.....then broke one loose from the pack and popped the top.

Moving back into the livingroom, she sank into the chair and took a long sip from the can, before lighting a cigarette and reaching for the TV remote. Flicking on the TV and scanning the channels, she sat back and prepared to wait the night out.

Around 10pm she roused herself to take a brief shower before returning to her perch in the living room, wearing only a T-shirt of Spike’s that she had found in his bedroom. The T-shirt was huge on her, but she felt comfortable in it. It made her feel like he was closer.

The last time Buffy remembered checking the time, had been just before the 2 a.m. feature film presentation. Sometime during the film she must have dozed off, because a quick glance at the clock told her it was now closer to 4 a.m. What had woken her? She sensed she was not alone anymore.

Spike stood in the hallway outside his front door, and thought about entering. He knew the Slayer was in there.....he could smell her, smell the beer, smell the smoke, smell the lingering scent of her shower. 'What in the hell does she want from me!' he thought to himself. He knew he should turn and walk away, it would be dangerous for him to be near any human at the moment considering his present state of mind. If Buffy had come to taunt, he might just do something that he could regret for the rest of his life!

But instead of turning and walking away, he reached out his hand and opened the door to his apartment and moved inside. His eyes immediately sought and found the Slayer. If it had been possible, his heart would have managed a beat. She looked beautiful standing there in his T-shirt with her hair mussed up around her face. More than anything, he wanted to grab her and kiss her, but instead he hardened his heart and eyes against her. He would not let himself be vulnerable to her charms again!

“You know Slayer, there is one redeeming aspect to vampires......they never enter uninvited” he said as he pointedly acknowledged her breaking and entering of his apartment.

Buffy didn’t reply, she just watched him carefully. She looked for any sign of weakness towards her, but found only hardness in his eyes.

Spike took off his coat and threw it onto a chair back, before sinking into another armchair and looking over at the Slayer.

“So what’s up? To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit...Angel throw you out as soiled goods?”

Buffy felt like she had been stabbed in the guts, but she squared her shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.

'Damn', thought Spike as he watched the Slayer pull herself up, she still had her spunk.....and if he was truthful with himself, her pride and her courage was one of the things that he had always admired in the Slayer. He found that he was pleased that she still had her pride and was prepared to meet him face to face with out degenerating to tears and begging. Begging would not have been the Slayer, and even though he sensed he could do it, he found that he had no wish to break her pride.

“If you’re finished, I have something I’d like to say” said Buffy raising her head to a regal angle.

Spike motioned in her direction, effectively giving her the floor.

“I’m not sorry for what I did. It had to be done. I had to have time to figure out what was going on in my heart Now I know...”

She paused and took a deep breath. Saying the next words to those cold hard eyes, would be one of the biggest risks of her life. For all she knew, he was happily back with Dru!

Spike watched as the emotions played across her face, and he was aware of the exact moment that she resolved her mind to continuing. What he wasn’t prepared for, was the next words from her lips.

The Slayer raised her eyes to his,

“Spike, I came here to tell you that I love you.....and that if you can forgive me, I’d like to stay with you.”

Chapter Ten

Spike sat in stunned speechlessness and stared at the Slayer in total shock.

Buffy didn’t waver under his cold eyes. She continued to stand proudly and quietly, while she waited for him to speak.

“Slayer, this can’t ever work.....I’m not Angel.....I have no Soul....I make the very beings that you seek to destroy” said Spike slowly

“I never said it would be easy; just that my love for you means that I am willing to compromise. I am willing to work this out.....and by the way, I don’t believe that you have *no* soul” replied Buffy.

Spike was silent for a few moments while he contemplated her words.

“There is more to it than that, Slayer. Have you thought about the fact that I can live forever? How will you feel as begin your human aging and I stay young?”

“Slayer’s don’t grow old. We all die young....you know that” said Buffy woodenly

Spike felt a jolt of pain at her words, as the reality of her Slayer existence impacted on him for the first time. She had accepted her fate....but he found that he could not.

“Spike, what you have to ask yourself is: Do you love me? Do you want to be with me for the short time that I will be on this earth? If not, tell me now and I’ll go”

In a flash, Spike was on his feet and beside the Slayer.

“Hey” he said gently as he reached out and touched her face, “No one around here is dying young”

“Don’t make me a promise you can’t keep......just make me one you can, tell me you’ll love me while I exist on this earth” said Buffy

In answer, Spike reached out and pulled her into his arms and covered her mouth with his. It wasn’t a gentle embrace.....it was violent and powerful, as Spike raged with the emotion of accepting his love for her, combined with the fact that she probably would be ripped from him before long.

Buffy didn’t care about the violence of his embrace. She welcomed it and responded to him with equal passion. She wrapped her arms round his shoulders, as rational thought fled. Her body responded to the familiar feel of his cold body as it touched hers. She lost herself in the protective strength of his embrace and the scent that was so uniquely his.

With a groan, Spike lifted her into his arms and strode to the bedroom. “This time there will be no interruptions, Slayer” he said as he placed her on the bed and moved to join her.

They immediately began to move as one, using their bodies, hearts, and souls to tell the other that it really would be OK....that they could work it out. Just when Buffy thought she couldn’t stand it any longer, Spike rolled over, taking her with him, and using his hands to hold her poised above him. Then, keeping his eyes firmly on hers, he lowered her onto him. As he sank into her, his eyes closed and he groaned her name, “Buffy”.

Buffy felt the passion explode at the sound of her name. Not Slayer this time, but finally, Buffy.....and it was said with such need and desire that Buffy just knew he had to love her, even though he hadn’t yet said it.

Looking down, she saw that his control had completely deserted him. His face had gone Vamp.....but it didn’t matter. Slowly she lowered her mouth to cover his, as she began to move slowly against him. But the slowness didn’t last....their need for each other was to great........and as the world exploded around him, she heard him say it.....

“I love you”

Epilogue