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Donzo's Joke Page # 10
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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!" Jack and Jill went up the hill For just an itty bitty. Jill's now two months overdue, And Jack has left the city. What's the difference between outlaws and inlaws? Outlaws are wanted. What's the definition of oral sex? The taste of things to come. A man had a date with a girl. They started making out. She told him to put his finger in her pussy. He did this, and then she tells him to put two fingers in. He does this and then she says to put all four fingers inside her. She is moaning with pleasure and he thinks things are going well. She then tells him to put his whole hand inside her. He does this, and then she says to make a fist. He does this and she keeps moaning louder and louder. Then she says for him to put his other hand inside her. He does this. She then says for him to clap his hands. He tries with all his might but he can't do it. She looks at him and says,.... "Tight, huh?" There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!" What did Dennis Rodman do when the Lakers gave him his pink slip? He put it on and left. What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door. A girl says to an Indian salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?" He offered his honor, She honored his offer, And all night long, He was on her, and off her. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Did you hear about the new restaurant chain where all the waitresses are middle aged women dressed in tight shirts? It's called "Droopers." The genie asked Dennis Rodman what his wish was. He said, " Hey Bitch, I am a superstar, so i want 3 women in my bed." The next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton in bed with him. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance. An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter:"what are you doing naked?" The daughter says:"This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her:"what are you doing naked, woman?" She responds:"This is the dress of love." And he said to her,"Well, go iron it." Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. It's Robin's first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death. The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't you?" She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist." He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?" She says, "Please." He sticks his nose between her legs, and goes, "Num, num, num." Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. Erection = A mans definition of personal growth. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. The mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet, and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place." For sale. COWS and HEIFERS, NEVER BRED. $1000 each. Also 1 gay bull to be given away. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office. What is the difference between a dead dog on the road, and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand, and two aspirins in the other. She asks, "What's this for?" "This is for your headache," he says. She says "But I don't have a headache." He smiles, and says "Gotcha." Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews? Yeah, from sneaking into pay toilets. It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate." A guy decided to operate both his taxidermy, and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was, "No Matter What Happens,You'll Get Your Cat Back." What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"said the other. Three nuns go to see the holy guy. The first nun goes in and says, "Forgive me, Father, but I've seen a man's privates." "Go wash your eyes with holy water," says the Father. The second nun confesses to him that she has touched a man's privates. He says, "go wash your hands in holy water." The two nuns are busy with their penance when the third nun comes over and says, "Watch out, girls I gotta gargle."  
Why are OJ Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy, and Greg Louganis the worst foursome in golf? Because one's a slicer, one's a hooker, one can't drive, and the other one always goes for the wrong hole. Two lesbians were walking down the street arguing, and as they progressed, the first woman turned to the second and said "Let me be frank with you." The second woman replied, "Bitch, you always think you get to be Frank." The guy says, "Two times two is four, plus five is nine, I can pee in yours, but you can't pee in mine." The girl says, "Two times two is four, plus five is nine, I know the length of yours, but you'll never know the depth of mine." Guy says,"Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." Girl says,"What the hell am I, a microwave?" A Pole walks into his local bar and goes straight up to the bartender, who turns away in digust at the handful of horseshit the Pole is holding. "Hey, Harry," says the Pole, "look at what I almost stepped in." Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was anything like the Monica Lewinski affair. She supposedly replied, "Close, but no cigar." How do you know when you're staying in a bad hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the desk says "go ahead." When is a pixie not a pixie? When he's got his head up a fairy's dress, then he's a goblin. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked the mom. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away," said the little girl. "Ouch! It still hurts. This cider doesn't work," she yelled. "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?" "Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider." Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off. What kind of license do lesbians need? A licker license. Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their pecker is between their eyes. Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old squaw for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a couple of fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw. They said, "What happened to your two twenty year olds?" The Chief said, "Me no wired for 220." How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder. What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff, in your new car. Deja Moo = The feeling that you've heard this crap before. Two good ole boys were on the front porch talkin about crops, and cattle prices, when the hound layin between them lifted his leg, and licked himself where dogs all like to lick themselves. One said, " I sure wish I could do that." The other said, " Well, I reckon you can, he don't look like a mean dog to me." What do you call a German tampon? A Twatstika. How do you recognize a blonde at the airport? She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes. John was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang. On the line was Julie. "John, I heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the freeway. I know that's the way you come home." John said, " What? Just one. It's hundreds of them." To all you virgins. Thanks for nothing. A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." says the man. The clerk looks at the shoes, and the mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," says the clerk. The man tries it, and then says "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." A man takes his wife to the stock show. They see a sign which said, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW. He mated 365 times last year. That is once a day. You could really learn from this one." The man says, "Ya, but it wasn't 365 times with the same cow." If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted, and have the time of our lives. |
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