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Donzo's Joke Page # 6
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--- Why was the dolphin so depressed? His life had no porpoise. --- A lady goes into the sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod. The salesman says, "I'm sorry lady, but I am blind." So the lady picks out a nice $20 rod, and goes up to pay for it. As the man is ringing up the sale the lady lets a big smelly fart, but feels no need to apologize, as the salesman is blind, and has no idea who she is. The salesman says, "That'll be $25." The lady says, " The rod is only a $20 item." "That's right lady, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the stink bait." --- A man is walking past a house, when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window, and lands on his head. He goes up to the door, and starts pounding on it. An old man opens it, and asks him why he knocked so loudly. The man says, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man says," my daughter, and son-in-law." The man hands him the used condom, and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your grandchild fell out the window." --- I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted. == I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. == I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients. == I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard. --- "I'm finished with Judy" John said to his friend. "She told me she was bisexual. Who wants to screw only twice a year?" --- Andy went to the little old lady of the house asking "Mary, could you sew on a button that's come off of my fly?" "Oh Andy, I am in the middle of making bread. Go up the stairs, and see if Mrs. Smith could help you with it." He came back with a black eye, and a bloody nose. Mary looks at him, and asks "What happened to you? Didn't you say please?" "Yes" said Andy. "I asked her to sew on the button, and she did. Everything was fine, until she bent down to bite off the thread, and then Mr. Smith walked in." --- Try saying this quickly 10 times. - Pleasant mother pheasant plucker. --- What sound does a Horny Toad make? Rub it, Rub it. --- 3 Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, lets give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" The lawyer says "Screw the Boy Scouts." The priest says "Do we have time?" 
--- A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a tombstone as a gift, with the inscription - Here Lies My Wife Cold As Ever. So the wife returned the favor, and it read - Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last. --- A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch. She went back to see him. He told her that he had been circumcised and it was itchy. The teacher had him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He did this, and returned to the class, sat down in his seat, and before long, there was a commotion at the back of the room. Back down the aisle she went, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she said."I did," he replied,"and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." --- A 70 year old man married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young girl, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No",said the old man, "It means you can take your pick." --- A little girl says, "Grampa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "Well, sure Grampa can make a sound like a frog," he said. The girl says, " O.K., make a sound like a frog?" Grampa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" The little girl says, "Cause Gramma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida." --- Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than elephants? So they wouldn't take a crap during parades. --- Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.=== Rectum - I had two cadillacs, but my old lady rectum.=== Acoustic - My uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to da pool hall.=== Penis - I went to da doctor, and he handed me a cup, and said penis. --- A man got stuck in a water hole, on a muddy road. He paid a farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on solid ground, he said to the farmer, "At that price, you should be pulling people out of the mud night, and day." "The farmer said, " I can't. At night I haul water for the hole." --- One old hooker talking to a rookie hooker. What's the difference between oral sex, and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your whole week. --- What has 1,000 legs, and no pubic hair? The front row of a Hanson concert. 
--- A cop goes in a bar, and asks, "Who owns the dog that is tied up out front?" A guy says, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?" "Well she's in heat," says the cop." "Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there." "That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred." "I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine." At this point the cop is getting mad. "Listen sir. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed. "Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog." --- There was this truck driver that had to deliver 500 penguins to the zoo. As he was driving his truck through the dessert he broke down. After about 3 hours he waves another truck down, and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the zoo for him. The next day he arrives in town, and sees the truck driver crossing the road, with 500 penguins, walking in single file behind him. He jumps out of his truck, and asks, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo." The truck driver says, "I did take them to the zoo, and I had money left over, so now we're going to see a movie." --- "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." --- A guy found a magic lamp, and rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thought, and then gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time, and get all the ass I want." "As you wish," the genie said, and then turned him into a toilet seat. --- Why do men like women with big tits, and tight pussies? Because they have big mouths, and little dicks. --- It was Monica's birthday. Clinton said "how old is she?" She is 26. Clinton says "Man, I can remember when she was only knee high." --- A married man was having an affair with his secretary. He told her to take his shoes outside, and rub them through the grass. Then he put on his shoes, and drove home. "Where have you been?" asked his wife. The man says,"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary." The wife looked down at his shoes and said, "You're lying. You've been playing golf." --- "Every time I hit the ball, it goes in the rough, and then something terrible happens," says a lady golfer. "I'll bet there's something in your technique that I could change, and you'd be fine," says the club pro. "Well I just got stung by a wasp. What could you say that could have prevented that?" she asks. "Where did you get stung?" asks the pro. "Between the first and second holes," she said. "See there", says the pro, "Your stance is too wide." --- Jack, and Stevie talk about a future game of golf. Stevie Wonder says, "People don't take me seriously, so I only play for $10,000 a hole." Jack Nicklaus thinks about it, and says "o.k., when would you like to play?" "Stevie says," any night is o.k. with me." --- Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can bitch and moan at the same time. 
--- What's the difference between boogies, and broccoli? Kids will not eat broccoli. --- A guy walks into a whore house, and picks out a lady. They go to her room, and she tells him the prices. She says "It's $100 for a blow, $200 for intercourse, and $250 for a Monica." He says, " Monica?" "Ya, I blow you now, and screw you later." --- A husband, and wife were shopping when the wife said, " Its my mothers birthday tomorrow. She would like something electric." The husband said, "How about a chair." --- Old Olga rode her wheelchair around the old folks home, and as she did a man stopped her, and asked for her drivers permit. She gave him a candy wrapper. She rode on only to be stopped again. This guy asked to see her registration. She gave him a panty liner. She takes off, and a few doors down the hall a third guy stopped poor old Olga. He is just standing there with a hard-on. She says, "Oh no, not the breathalizer again." --- A priest gets a flat tire fixed at a garage. As the car's coming down on the hoist, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?" The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's twat." The priest looks sad, and says, "You better give them another turn then." --- A guy figures his wife is cheating on him, so he buys a parrot to spy on her. It was only $20 because he had no legs. The guy asked the parrrot, "How do you sit on your perch, with no legs?" "Well," the parrot says, "I wrap my penis around the perch." The guy comes home after work, and asks the parrot what happened? The parrot said,"The mailman came in, and was kissing your wife. Then he started licking her all over the place." "O.K., what happened next?" asked the guy. "I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard, and I fell off my perch." --- A lady walks into this diner, sits at the counter, and orders a hamburger. She also gets a doughnut to snack on, while she waits. The cook, who is big, and disgusting, yelled "Burger," and got a hunk of meat, put it in his bare armpit, pumped his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then chucked it on the grill. The lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." The waitress says, " That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."  
--- Bubba died in a fire, and his body was burned so bad that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So his two friends, Jim-Bob, and Billy-Bob went to I.D. the body. They said, "Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over, and they looked at his arse, and said, "No, that's not Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Billy-Bob said, "Bubba had two arse-holes." The mortician said,"What?" "Yes, everyone in town knew he had two arse-holes. When the three of us came into town, everyone would say, here comes Bubba with them two arse-holes." --- A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he said, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" asked the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?" --- After spending three hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash" the guy snapped. After apologizing for his rudeness, he said, "I'm sorry, I just spent three hours at the Motor Vehicle Office." The clerk then asked, "Should I gift wrap the bat, or are you going back there?" --- The Minister said, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded Klu Klux Klan. This, of course, is not true. I am asking that the guilty party confess, and apologize." A young woman quickly stood, and said, " I just told one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." --- Dear Pastor. - My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. |
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