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Donzo's Joke Page # 5
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--- How do you know when you are getting old? When you start having dry dreams, and wet farts. --- The teacher wanted someone to use fascinate in a sentence. Little Billy, known for his terrible language raised his hand. After a moment of hesitation, the teacher decided that there was no way Billy could damage the word, fascinate, and called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a shirt with l2 buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten 8." --- What's the definition of a yankee? Same thing as a quickie, but you do it yourself. --- A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.""Forget it man,you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here." --- A farmer and his wife are given a parrot from a relative. The Parrot sneaks out, and screws the next door neighbors turkeys, and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act. The neighbors knock on the door, and explain what the Parrot was up to. The owners talk to the parrot, and tell him if he doesn't stop it, they will have to shave his head. That night, the Parrot screws the turkeys again. The next morning the owner tied the bird down, and shaved his head bald. The next day at the farmer's daughters wedding, they sit the parrot on the piano, and tell him to greet all the guests, and direct them to their seats in the church. The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's guests to the left, and Bride's guests to the right." But, then two bald men arrive, and he says, "And you two Turkey screwers, get up on the piano with me." --- An 80 year old, white man, married a 20 year old white girl. 9 months later she went into the hospital, and gave birth. The nurse asked the old guy, "How do you do it at your age?" He said, " You've got to keep that old motor running." The next year she gave birth again. The nurse said to the old guy, "You must be quite a man." He said again, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you better change your engine oil, because this one's black."  
--- In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away bears but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak-brown bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak-brown bears. One can easily spot a Kodiak-brown bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that contain those tiny bells. 
 --- There is a blond driving through the country. She has just colored her hair brown, because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi, If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The farmer says ok. She quickly counts them, and says " 91." The farmer says "OK. Take one." When the blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks, "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?" --- An Arab diplomat was visiting the USA for the first time. The diplomat was always sending his servant to get him a glass of water. Then came the time when he returned without a glass of water. " Where is my water?" yelled the diplomat. " White man is sitting on the well," said the servant. --- Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied,"I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other,"Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied,"I have come for a urine test." 
--- Things that you don't want to hear during surgery.--Whoa, he's a bleeder, pass the paper towels.--"Hey that laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?".--"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them!--What do mean he wasn't in for a sex change.!--Whoa! Save that! We'll probably have to put it back later!--Oops! Oh well! It's only a Junior Mint! Right?--What do you mean, he's not insured?--My buzz is wearing off, fire up another one.--I hope his family won't miss him.--Whoops! We'll just tuck that sucker right back in there.--Hey!Get that cat out of here!--It's Miller Time! --Heads tonsillectomy, tails vasectomy, call it in the air. - Ouch ! --- So a flasher took a trip on an airplane. When he got to where the stewardess was taking the tickets he opened his coat and flashed her. The stewardess said " I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub." --- A girl at work was concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had him limit his smoking to only when they had finished making love. She had got the idea from a movie they had seen called Cold Turkey. After about a week I asked her how it was going? "Well, not too bad." she said,(getting up off of a pillow she had on her chair and limping) "I've got him down to about a pack a day now." 
--- A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group. The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk, because there's just no more room on the bus. As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to bother the other man. Finally, the man says, "You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?" The blind man replied "If you'd put a rubber on the end of your stick, we'd both be on that bus." --- A man goes to a pet store to look for a parrot. "We have three," says the clerk. "This green one speaks four languages and costs $1000, and the red parrot is fluent in six languages and costs $2000. The orange one over there costs $3000, but doesn't talk at all." "Three thousand!" exclaims the man. "Why so much?" "Well," the clerk goes on, "we don't know what he does, but the other two call him BOSS." --- A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb" 
--- Two guys were out for a drive in the country when their vehicle broke down. They were a few miles from the nearest town so they started walking.One guy had to go wee wee.He had just started,when he was bitten on the dick by a rattlesnake.They were fairly close to town so the friend went to get help.He found the doctor who was in the middle of something and couldn't get away. The doc said the fix for a bite was simple--you just have to suck the poison out and the victim will live.The guy ran out to where his buddy was.When he got to his friend he was all out of breath and fell to his knee's beside him. The victim asked,"what did the doctor say?" To which the out of breath friend said,"you are going to die." --- A little kid walks in on his parents having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His mom says, " I was just letting the air out of your dad, because he is too full." The kid says,"Why?, the lady next door is just going to blow him up again." --- After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?" 
--- A guy walked into a barber shop, sat in the barbers chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face, then a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen started to shine his shoes. The guy said, " pretty woman - you and I should go get a hotel room and have some fun." She said, "I'm married, and my husband would not like that." The guy said "tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him ! He is the one shaving you." --- The best excuses for missing a day of work are: I took two Ex-Lax as well as my Prozac, and now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. The dog ate my car keys, so we're going to hitchhike to the vet. --- A guy goes to the doctor and finds out he only has one more day to live. He figures that he will go out with a bang so he goes home to make wild and passionate love to his wife. He gets home and jumps into bed and 3hrs. later completely exhausted crawls to the bathroom only to see his wife with a mudpack over her face. He asked "how did you get in here?" His wife says "Shhhh!!!! You'll wake up my mother."
--- There once was this guy that just couldn't get enough sex no matter what. He would do it with anyone or anything. His friend had last seen him with a camel out in the dry country and had told him if he didn't change his ways it would kill him. A few days later he found him flat on his back out by a cactus, with a flock of buzzards circling, and just about to land and pick him apart. He quickly ran over to his friend and chased the vultures away. His friend then sits up, and yells at him, "Damn you they were just about to land." --- An army ranger wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was to cheap to pay what the store was asking for a pair. He figured he would just go out and get his own alligator, and then he could get a pair made for a reasonable price. The store owner said to go ahead and do that. Maybe you will run into a couple of marines who were in here earlier, and said the same thing. A few hours later he came upon the two marines in the bayou, and just then a huge gator was heading towards one of the marines. As the gator was about to attack, the marine grabbed its neck and strangled it to death. Then both marines dragged it to shore, and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. The one marine turned to the other and said, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either." --- What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. --- Why was the blond sitting on the roof? She heard the drinks were on the house. --- A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another guy a few stools away. He had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was very, very small. So he said, " Excuse me sir, but why is your body so well developed, and your head is so small?" He said, " I was in a shipwreck and stranded on an island, when this beautiful mermaid swam over to me, and told me that she could grant me three wishes. I said, " I would like to be rescued. " She slapped the water with her tail, and a ship was sailing straight for the island. Then I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail, and I was musclebound. Then noticing how beautiful she was, I asked if I could make love to her. She said, " It wouldn't work, because she was half fish." So I said, " How about a little head then?" |
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