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Donzo's Joke Page # 8
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--- If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she'd have been Yoko Ono Bono. --- She was very scared. It was very big, and long, and it went straight up. She just had to try it once. She slowly and carefully eased herself onto it. It felt weird at first. She went up and down, and up and down, on it. She really loved it, and went for 1 hour. Now she rides the escalator all the time. --- Did you hear about the Amish flu? You get a little horse, and buggy. --- In an old pub, a few years ago before toilets were installed, if one wanted to go, you had to go out the back into the yard where the landlady kept geese. This guy came back in one night saying that the gander had almost removed his pecker. Like lightening, the landlady replied "Don't worry, with what you have, you wouldn't choke him." --- An old maid was held up. She had no money, but the robber figured that it must be in her bra, and started feeling around. She said, "I told you I haven't got any, but if you keep on doing that, I'll write you a check." --- A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spreadlegged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her pussy has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move. She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her and lift me up that way?" she asks. "Great idea", says the husband, "but just let me rub your breasts a little." "Why?" asks the confused housewife. "So I can slide you into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there." --- What are a woman's favorite animals? A Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, and a Tiger in the bedroom. --- A woman was getting married for the fourth time, and she wanted to wear white. The priest said, "Virgins where white." She said, "My first husband was a psychologist, and all he did was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, and all he did was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector." She paused, and then said, "God I Miss Him." --- Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" 
--- Why do men have legs? So their brains don't drag on the ground. --- Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One said to the other, "If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass." A good looking blonde, sitting at the end of the bar said, "I have the same kind of problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car." --- What's the difference between a hooker, and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her old, used crack, and resell it. --- A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She says, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband, and asks "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me." --- There were two babies in the nursery, one male and the other female. One day the little girl baby started screaming, "Rape, Rape." The boy baby looked over at the girl baby, and said, "Ah roll over, and shut up, it's just your pacifier." --- What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet. --- A pregnant woman gets in a car accident, and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees that she is no longer pregnant, and she asks the doctor about her babies. The doctor tells her, "You've had a boy, and a girl. Your brother came in, and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother, he's an idiot." "The girl's name is Denise," said the doctor. "Wow, that's a great name," the woman said. What's the boy's name?" The doctor grinned, and said, "Denephew." --- A man sees that his friend's car is covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?" The friend said, "I ran into a lawyer." "That explains the blood, but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?" asked the man. To which the friend said, "Well, I had to chase him all through the park." --- Why do Canadians have sex doggie style? So they can both watch the hockey game.
--- What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. --- What's green and red and goes 1000 miles an hour? A frog in a blender. --- A three legged dog walks into a saloon. He sits at the bar, and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." --- There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor, who checks her out, and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs, because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor checked her out, and said, "I have good news, and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry rotted, and you have fruit flies." --- Eagles may soar, but turkeys don't get sucked into jet engines. --- We had a great neighbourhood watch going when I was a kid, until she closed her curtains. --- The attractive young girl, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks. "I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object." The wife grinned and said, "That's not surprising darling, considering the number of times you've been inoculated." --- There's a new pasta diet. Just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream store without stopping. --- A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet." --- "Sandra," said the husband, "I just got a letter from the IRS. How should I dress for my meeting? In my suit, or in my jeans?" "Jack," his wife said, "I'm going to tell you the same thing that my mother told me, when I asked her whether I should wear pajamas, or my sexy black negligee on our honeymoon. She said, Sandra, it doesn't matter how you dress. You'll get screwed either way." --- My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter, and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she said. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head, and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" --- "My wife is always asking for money," said a man to his friend. "Last week she wanted $200. Two days ago she asked me for $100. This morning she wanted $150." "That's crazy," said the friend. "What does she do with it all?" "Well," said the man, "I never give her any."  
--- 85 year old Bertha runs into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air, and says, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight." An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bertha thinks a minute, and says, "Close enough." --- A truck driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing really short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she asked, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow, - Jim Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "I'm June, - June Smith," she said. After a while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up, with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he said," having seven inches of Snow in June?" --- "Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?" "It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny said. "Whatever do you mean by that?" asked the teacher. "It's like when you go into a restaurant, and a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you, and says, does my paranoia?" --- Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth. --- Why do men like blowjobs? It's the only way to get something into a woman's head, straight. --- The Smiths go into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith said, "No gas, needles, or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth, and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as strong as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife, and said, "Show him, dear." --- Did you hear about the prostitute that had her appendix removed? The doctor sewed up the wrong hole, and now she is making money on the side. --- Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 20 years. Having no mate, he used suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Then one day Jane discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched him for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open, and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her, and gave her a big kick in the crotch. She screamed, "What did you do that for?" Tarzan said, "Always check for squirrels." --- A woman was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along with him. So the husband ordered a couple of shots of rye, and then drank his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass, and spit it out. "Yuck," she said. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff." "Well, there you go," said the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself." --- "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked Jimmy. "Why do you ask?" said Jimmy. "Well," said the boss, "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandma's funeral, she stopped in to see you." --- An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 1000 yen, and walked out with $36. The next week, he went in with 1000 yen, and only got back $33. He asked the teller why he got less money than he did last week. The teller said "Fluctuations." The Asian man ran out, and just before slamming the door, yelled back, "Fluc you Americans, too." --- The wealthy old gentleman, and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated, when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, so after the meal he took them aside. He said, "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother, and I have never been legally married." "What?" said one of the sons. "Do you mean to say, we're all bastards?" "Yes," said the old man, "and cheap ones too." --- Foreplay in Arkansas, = Sis, are you awake? --- What do inbreds do for Halloween? Pump-kin. --- Joe and Bob went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed, "I wish I had one like my cousin Jimmy. He needs four fingers to hold his." Bob looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers." "I know," said Joe, with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them." --- How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows, and see Rubble. --- Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash? Some dick cut her off. --- A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG." The man immediately leans out his window and replies: "BITCH." They each continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he runs over a pig in the middle of the road. --- Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? Keeps his ankles warm. --- What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts, that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel. --- What's the difference between a woman with PMS, and a pitbull? Lipstick. --- Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. --- Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen? --- A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath." The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?" She said, "No, just up to my chin." |
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