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Donzo's Joke Page # 3
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--- Some women are gathered, and the subject of conversation turns to sex, and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method." "What is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven, and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up, with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him." --- A lady is going down the road in her horse, and buggy, when she is pulled over by a cop. He says, " Lady, I'm not going to give you a ticket, but I do have to give you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. I don't like the way that one rein goes over the horse's back, and around his testicles. Have that fixed right away. " Later that day, she was telling her husband about her visit with the cop. " He said the reflector is broken." " I can fix that in two minutes," said the husband. " What else? " She said," I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake." --- Mary the virgin married Tony the big Italian. On their wedding night they stayed at her mother's house. Up in the bedroom, Tony took off his shirt, and his hairy chest spooked Mary. She went and told her mom, who told her not to worry. Next was the pants, and the hairy legs worried her. She went to her mom again, who told her that was o.k. When she got back to the bedroom Tony had taken off his socks, and she could see he was missing 3 toes on one foot. She again ran to her mom, and told her that Tony had a foot and a half. Her mom said, " You stay here. This is a job for your mother." 
--- A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that thirty years ago, or any time since, that I can remember!" The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!" --- " I hope I die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like his passengers." --- I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn. She said, "Well, the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week." I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and said, "With pleasure, it'll be $600." --- Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl picked up the package, and pointed to a man standing beside her, and said "Grandpa will pay the bill." 
--- What do you get when you put Raggedy Ann, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together? A red-head with a yeast infection. --- A stripper left the club with nothing on, but a coat. As she crossed the street, a drunk driver hit the stripper, and she landed unconscious on her back, with her coat wide open. A man put his hat on the stripper's crotch, to cover her pussy. The drunk driver staggers over to see what all the fuss is about. Seeing the naked woman on the street, he points to the hat, and said, "Well, the first thing we have to do is get that guy out of there." --- What's the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. --- Jimmy and his mom were in a line up at the bank. They were behind a very fat woman. Jimmy said to his mom, " Wow, is she ever fat." Then he said, " Look at how the rolls hang over her pants." Next he says, " She has got to be 3 feet wide." A little bit later, the womans pager goes off, and starts beeping. Jimmy yelled, " Look out, she is backing up." --- What do you call a Florida gynecologist? A spreader of old wives tails. --- After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of you, but why?" "Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had." --- A guy is walking past the mental institution, and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen." He finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen, Fourteen, Fourteen." --- Little Jimmy walked by his mom's bedroom, and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man. I need a man." One day, he came home from school, and heard her moaning. When he looked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Jimmy ran into his room, took off all his clothes, and started stroking himself, and moaning, "I need a bike. I need a bike." --- An English couple moved to Canada. It wasn't very long until the language differences started to show up. One night my husband, and I got ready to leave a party. I wanted to talk more with the lady I had met, so I said to her as I walked out, "Tell you what, I'll knock you up first thing in the morning." The guests nearby laughed themselves silly. "That means something different over here," I said.??? --- Joe and his wife, a middle aged couple, went for a walk in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Joe's wife realized that the young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she elbowed her husband and said, "Whistle, and let that young couple know that we can hear them." John said, "Whistle? Why should I? Nobody whistled to warn me." --- A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts a hole in it, and starts to screw the pumpkin. After a while, a police car pulls up. The cop walks over, and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop, and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?" --- When are men at their smartest? During sex, because they are plugged into a know it all. --- "I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Sue to her friend Jane. " I thought you said your man had a vasectomy," said Jane. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution," said Sue. --- As a way to save money, a couple decided that every time they had sex, the husband would put his pocket change into a piggy bank, on the table. One night, when they were trying out some new positions, he knocked the bank to the floor, and it smashed. To his surprise, among the coins, there were five, and ten dollar bills in the piggy bank. He asked his wife,"who put the bills in here?" "Well," she said, "Not everyone is as cheap as you." 
--- Two women were talking about their lives, since they had become nursing home residents. They both agreed that life was good, but one woman, Erna, said she was upset, because her sex life had died out since she, and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was good. "I put both legs behind my head. When he comes in, and sees me like that, we have sex as if we were 18 again." "Is that so?" said Erna. "I'm going to try that tonight." That evening, while Erna's man was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, she took off all her clothes. She gets one leg up behind her head. She finally gets the other leg behind her head too. No sooner has she done that, she falls backwards, and can't move. Her man comes out of the bathroom, with a angry look on his face, and says "For God's sake Erna, comb your hair, and put your teeth in, you look like an ass." --- Two cannibals sat beside a large fire, after eating the best meal they'd had in ages. "Your wife sure makes a good roast," said the 1st cannibal. "Yes," said the 2nd, "I'm really going to miss her." --- Wives that put their husbands in the doghouse, will soon find them at the cat house. Yahoo! --- A woman goes to her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end, and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" He says, " On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band, and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." They have a beautiful wedding, and head to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, and then goes and gets into bed with her man. When her man slips it in, she snaps the elastic band, and he yelled, "what the hell was that?" The wife said, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping". The man yelled, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls." --- An old couple are sitting at the breakfast table, she reading her section of the paper, and he his, when all of a sudden she pulls his paper down, and slaps him. "What was that for?" he yelled. "For being such a lousy lover all these years" she said. He thought for a moment, then slapped her back. "Why did you slap me?" she said. "For knowing the difference." --- Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, " the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor, " the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." 
--- A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" --- Mistakes in newspapers. -- Grandmother of eight makes hole in one. -- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing. -- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers. -- Two convicts evade noose, jury hung. -- Milk drinkers are turning to powder. -- Farmer bill dies in house. -- Judge to rule on nude beach.  
--- You know you're getting old, when you stoop to tie your shoes,and wonder what else you can do, while you're down there. --- A guy went skydiving for the first time, but didn't have a good jump. He jumped out of the airplane, and pulled the ripcord. The chute tangled, so he cut it free. He pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it was tangled too. To his amazement, a woman was flying through the air coming up. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he yelled to her, as they passed each other. She said, "No, do you know anything about Coleman stoves?" --- Three guys were killed in a car accident, and are at the gate into heaven. The first guy had cheated on his wife once, so he got a limo and a driver for it too. The second guy had cheated on his wife three times, so he got a high powered sports car. The third guy had cheated on his wife ten times, so he got a nice motorcycle. The next day, the 2nd, and 3rd guy, see the 1st guy, that got the limo, crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, " I just saw my wife go by on rollerskates." |
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