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Donzo's Joke Page # 7
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--- Bill asked Monica if she wanted to see his new clock. Monica said, "O.K." So they go into his office, and he pulls his pants down. She said, " Thats not a new clock." Bill said, "Sure it is. All it needs is two hands, and a face to make it tick." --- The fifty-year old son told his 75 year old father that he had been having a problem with impotence. Then he asked, "Is it something that runs in our family?" "His father said, "I don't know about your mother's side of the family, but I've never had a problem. When I was young I could hang a bucket of water from it, and walk the full length of a football field, but now my knees give out around the 40 yard line." --- One day a group of nuns were out for a bike ride. The bumps on the road were causing four of the nuns to say, oh, oh, every time that they hit one. After about ten minutes of riding, the head nun said, " O.K., that's it. Everyone off their bikes." Just as she had thought, the four nuns were riding without the seat on the bike. --- A gorilla escaped from the zoo, and was up a tree in Joe's back yard. Joe called the zoo, and told them about it. A few minutes later a gorilla catcher shows up at Joe's place. He had a pair of handcuffs, a gun, and a chihuahua. He told Joe that he would go up, and knock the gorilla out of the tree. Then when it hits the ground the chihuahua will bite the gorilla's balls, so he doesn't run away. Then I will handcuff him. He handed the gun to Joe. Joe asked, " What is this for?" The gorilla catcher said, " If I fall instead of the gorilla, shoot the chihuahua." --- What do you get when you put 50 government employees, and 50 lesbians together in one room ? 100 people who don't do dick. --- A cop stopped a woman for speeding, and he could smell liquor on her breath. He gave her a breathalyzer test, and said," 'It looks like you've had two stiff ones." She said, " You mean it shows that too?" --- A woman went into a bar with a little Chihuahua. She sat down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk turned, and puked all over the dog. Then the drunk looked down, saw the little dog, and said, "I don't remember eating that." --- What do you call a hooker's kids? Brothel sprouts. --- Headline Bloopers:== Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing.== Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.== Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.== Prostitutes appeal to Pope.== Child's stool great for use in garden.== Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over. 
--- Three guys won prizes in a raffle. The first guy won a drill, and the second guy won a saw, while the third guy won a toilet brush. A week later at the poker game they were talking about the prizes that they had won. The first guy liked his drill, and the second guy said the saw was great too. The third guy, however, didn't like his toilet brush, and said that he was going to go back to using paper. --- What do you call it when you cross a pig with Roseanne? Redundancy. --- Mommy, Mommy. Billy won't let go of my ear. Billy, let go of Susie's ear. BILLY. Let go of her ear. All right Billy, give me the ear. --- What does Monica, and a vending machine have in common? Both have a slit that says, "Insert Bill Here." --- When Monica turned over her dress to the FBI, for DNA testing, they found a wad of Bill's. --- A little man asks the guy next to him at a bar, "Do you want to hear a redneck joke?" The guy said, "I'm 200 pounds, and I'm a redneck. The man on the other side of you is 250 pounds of muscle, and he's a redneck. The guy next to him is a trucker who weighs 300, and he's a redneck as well. So you little jerk, do you still want to tell your redneck joke?" The little man said, "No, I would have to explain it three times." --- A minister is out driving, and gets pulled over by a cop, because he was speeding. The cop says, "I smell alcohol on your breath." The minister said, "I was just drinking water." The cop sees a wine bottle on the floor, and asks, "Then why can I smell wine?" The minister looked down at the bottle, and said, "Good lord, he's done it again." --- What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. --- A couple of women were playing golf one morning. The first one teed off, and watched as her ball headed toward a couple of men, playing ahead of them. The ball hit one of the men, and he put his hands together at his crotch, and fell to the ground. The woman ran up to the man, and said, "Please let me help. I'm a physical therapist, and I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." He was still on the ground, with his hands together at his crotch. She gently pulled his hands away, and then loosened his pants, and put her hands inside, and started to massage him. Next, she asked him, "How does that feel? He said, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts quite a bit." 
--- A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The husband started with 20% of the pain, then went to 40%, 60%, 80%, and in the end 100%. The birth was easy for the wife, and the husband didn't feel any pain at all. However, when they got home the mailman was dead on the front steps. --- What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalottapuss. --- Three very macho mice were telling stories about how tough they were. The first mouse said, "You know those poison pellets they put out for us? I love them, and can eat em like candy." The second mouse said, " You know those mousetraps they put out to catch us? I grab the cheese, and then flip over on my back, grab the bar as it comes down, and do bench presses with it." The third mouse said, " Wow, you guys are a couple of tough mice, and I'd like to keep listening to your stories, but I'm going to screw the cat." --- Two nuns were walking in the park, and got hauled off the trail by a couple of bad guys. The guys started screwing the nuns, and one nun said, " Oh lord forgive him, he has no idea what he is doing." Hearing that the other nun turned, and said, " This one sure does." --- There were 2 old sisters, that were both virgins. Gladys looked at Bertha, and said, "I'm not going to die a virgin. I'm going out to get laid." When she got home, Gladys ran to the bathroom. Bertha knocked on the door, and asked, "Are you O.K., Gladys?" She opened the door, and Gladys had her head between her legs, looking at her pussy. "What's wrong?" asked Bertha. Gladys said, "Bertha, it was 10 inches long when it went in, and only 5 when it came out. When I find the other half, you're gonna have the time of your life." --- A man was in love with a young woman, but was so shy he never had the courage to speak to her. He told his therapist that every time he got near her, he would turn into a stone. "Well," his therapist said, "If you want to get the girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder." --- A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover. The chemist gave her the product, and told her, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes." "It's not for my armpits, it's for my Chihuahua" "Oh, in that case, don't ride a bike for three days," said the chemist. --- Read this joke with an Italian accent. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager, and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say, you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man, and he calla me a sonna ma bitch. Imma gonna go back to a Italy. --- "What's the difference between the North American porcupine, and the African porcupine," the matron asked the zookeeper. "The main difference is the North American species has a longer prick." The matron went to the zoo manager's office, to complain about the terrible language of the zookeeper. The zoo manager said, " I'm sorry for the zookeeper's choice of terms. What he should have said is, the North American species has a longer quill, because their pricks are just about the same size." --- Two lesbians, and two gay guys have a race to the next city. Who wins? Why the lesbians of course, because they did 69 all the way, and the gay guys were still at home packing their crap. --- What do you call a woman, who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. --- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. 
--- During her checkup, the young lady was asked to undress, and then get on the examining table. "Doctor," she said, "I can't undress in front of you." "O.K.," said the doctor, "I'll turn off the lights. You undress, and tell me when you're done." In a minute or so she said, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" The doctor said, "Oh, just put them over here, on top of mine." --- What does a guy with a 12 inch dick have for breakfast? Well this morning I had 2 eggs, with bacon, toast, and orange juice. --- This guy got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night. His bride said, "you take that thing you play with, and you put it where I pee." So he got up, and threw his bowling ball in the toilet bowl. --- A woman wanted to get a good view of her land, so she decided to climb a big tree. When she got to the top, she came eye to eye with a spotted owl, that attacked her. The woman fell down the tree, and got lots of splinters in her private parts. In terrible pain, she rushed to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story, then told her to go into the examining room, and wait. It was two hours before the doctor came in. The angry woman yelled, "What took you so long?" The doctor said, "Well, I had to get permits from Environmental Protection, the Forest Service, and Land Management before I could remove old growth timber from a recreational area." --- If you're cross-eyed, and have dyslexia, can you see okay? --- A patient needed a heart transplant, and was talking to his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors, so tell me which one you would like. One is from a 25 year old healthy athlete, or there is one from a 35 year old businessman, and the other one is from an attorney that was 55 years old." "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. "Why would you pick the oldest of the lot?" asked the doctor. "It was easy," the patient said, "I wanted a heart that had never been used." --- A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny. He asked for the address of a good house of ill repute. By mistake, he went to the office of a podiatrist. A woman directed him to an examining room, and told him to uncover, and someone would be with him soon. The doctor's assistant came in, and found him sitting in the chair, with his large member in his hand. "Oh my goodness", she said, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch, then I'll take my business elsewhere."  
--- Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people seem very bright, until they speak. --- A little boy walked into a bar, and yelled to the barmaid, "Give me a whiskey." She said, "Do you want to get me in trouble?" The boy said, "Maybe later, but right now I just want a drink." --- An old Indian was standing on the street corner. As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his hand, and say, "Wanna." After watching this for about 15 minutes I went up to him, and said, "I thought that Indians say, "How." He said, "Me know how. I'm looking for woman who wanna." --- A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. An Aussie farmer shows him a big wheat field, and the Texan says, " We have wheat fields that are twice that size." The Aussie shows him his herd of cattle. The Texan says, " We have longhorns twice as big as your cows." Then the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos, hopping through the field. He asks, "What are those?" The Aussie says, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" --- You've heard some pretty bad Viagra jokes. These are 2 new drugs to improve men in other ways. Directra - This drug given to men before leaving on a trip, makes them ask for directions when they get lost. Projectra - Men given this drug will actually finish a household repair project, before starting a new one. --- What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. --- There were two guys, and one day they found a whorehouse. The first guy went in, and then came out a few minutes later, and said, "My wife is better." Then the second guy goes in, and comes out, and says, "You know what? Your wife is better." --- A bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and start an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again, and pee twice. Denna I come once a more." "You pig," screamed the lady. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public." Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "I'm a justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." |
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