I was Rachel again, the human Rachel, alive, unhurt. I could have bounded up and gone off to the mall to shop. But I didn't kid myself. I didn't hope.
I spit the snake out.
I was surrounded on all sides. I was only a weak human girl now. The polar bear loomed over me, his strength the equal of my own grizzly, but now I was just me, just Rachel.
I could see the viewscreen. I could see my best friend Cassie. Jake. Marco, funny Marco. Ax.
Tobias.
He had morphed. He was his human self once more. He'd done that for me. And because he was crying. I understood. Humans cry,hawks don't.
"I love you," I said to the screen.
And oh, god, how could so much regret and so much sweetness and so much sadness all be present in that single moment. I was already dead and missing my unlived life. I was already dead and Tobias was mourning.
I tried to smile. For him.
The polar bear said, < You fight well,human. >
Then he killed me with a single blow.
Time stopped.
He came to me. The Ellmist.
The puppet master came to watch my final act. It figured. He was in his saintly old man guise. As fake as everything else about him. The all-powerful weakling. The mighty manipulator.
"You," I said accusingly.
"Yes."
"Who are you?" I demanded. "Who are you to play games with us? You appear, you disappear, you use us, who are you, what are you?"
And then,for what seemed like a very long time, the Ellimist told me. I saw. I understood.
But I also knew he would not save me. That he couldn't under the arcane rules of his millenia-long war with Crayak.
The Ellimist was there to honor me, and I guess that was nice of him. Wasn't going to help me much.
I wanted so much to live. I wanted so much to stay and not leave. In a moment, no answer would matter to me, but just the same, I wanted to know what I guess any dying person wants to know.
"Answer this, Ellimist: Did I ... did I make a difference? My life, and my...my death...was I worth it? Did my life really matter?"
"Yes," he said. "You were brave. You were strong. You were good. You mattered."
"Yeah. Okay, then. Okay, then."
I wondered if -
Cassie
The next day an Andalite scout ship reported finding a human body floating in space. Young, female. The Blade ship had jettisoned her body before going into Zero space.
The Andalites brought her to California. Near the devastation that was all that was left of our homes.
I was there when Rachel returned. Her mother was there, too. The Andalites treated her body with great respect. She had been wrapped in some sort of a soft cloth. I guess it was the Andalite way.
They uncovered her face and Rachel's mom and I identified her.
Two days later, Rachel's body was cremated. It was inconceivable that she'd ever want to be buried in the ground. She ended up as a few handfuls of ashes in a pretty china urn.
Everyone was at the memorial ceremony. By this time our story had swept the planet. Everyone alive knew our names.
The memorial had to be held outside. Fortunately it was a nice day.You could see the Pacific Ocean from the spot in the cemetary where Rachel's monument would be placed. There was a honor guard of free Hork-Bajir. Two dozen Andalite warriors stood at attention. Our friend and ally General Doubleday was there and quite a few men and women in uniform.
Jake and Marco and me and Ax. We all gave little speeches. The President of the United States was there. He gave a speech, too.
I guess Rachel would have liked it, in her own way. She would have laughed. She would have thought it was way over the top, but at the same time, she would have liked the attention.
Would have, but she was a few ounces of ash in a jar resting inside a open wooden box.
The ceremony was almost over when I saw him. I knew if he was still alive, he would come.
He wheeled high overhead, riding a thermal. Hiw hawk eyes would see everything of course, even from half a mile up.
But as the band played some horribly depressing music, down he came. He swooped down and landed on the box, wings flaring. One of the ushers moved to chase him off. Jake took the man's arm.
Tobias closed his talons around the urn's small handle. He glared fiercely at Rachel's mom. She was crying, had been all along. She sobbed and nodded her head, giving her permission.
Then Tobias looked at me. I said, "Yes, Tobias. She would want it."
I don't know where he found the strength to lift that urn, but he did. He flew away, low at first, then, catching a thermal, he bore the urn away into the sky...
Animorphs #54: The Beginning,copyright K.A Applegate 2001
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