MARCH RANTS- 2004

3-25
"Oh my fair North Star, I have held to you dearly, I had asked you to steer me,
Till one cloud-scattered night, I got lost and in my travels I met Leo the lion,
Met a king and met a giant, with their errant light,

There's the wind and the rain, and the mercy of the fallen,
Who say they have no claim to know what's right.
There's the weak and the strong and the beds that have no answer,
And that's where I may rest my head tonight."

I can feel my strength waning...Lord help me, I don't know how I'm going to make it.
 

3-25
Okay, I have a lot to work out, and the only way I know to do so is through writing. So bare with me. Today was hell. Pure and simple…a very hellish day. To begin with, I knew it was going to be long- book solid from 8:30am-11:00pm. I mean, long ass day.

It went okay in the morning, met with a special ed teacher and observed her class- that went great. Was a little pissed after that – got stuck in traffic, was late to a meeting with a professor. But, meeting with prof went great. And that was it, after that…hell began.

So I went to register for my classes. And I get this notice- there is a hold on my account by student accounts (a.k.a. billing). Not good…I knew immediately (intuition) that my parents had not paid a bill. I knew it. And was right. They hadn’t.

Now before I called anyone or told anyone…went straight to my room, curled up in a ball and let out a good one minute worth of a full body, shudder, cry. And then it dried up (damn it) and panic set in.

I don’t remember who I talked to first. I think I IMed a friend of mine, then I called my best friend (no answer), then I emailed my professor and finally two emails to my counselor. And when I was done with the second email…I had a choice. Go for the razor right then and there or call my counselor. So…I think for the first time ever, I called my counselor in a crisis. And luckily got a return call in like five/ten minutes and we talked for a while.

Which was good, she helped me develop a plan to figuring things out. Was a damn good one too…and scheduled another session, which we all know, I’m going to majorly need.

Then after that, got an email back from prof…and then got a hold of my best friend and we talked for a while and got me through it…helped me email my biological father for help…and a few other people seeking info on student loans. Then my step dad called while talking to her.

Didn’t go so well…too many weird things…they hadn’t paid the bill, but were pleading ignorance…but something about the conversation disturbed me and led me to distrust him. And when I came up with a solution he tried to convince me it wouldn’t work (but other people agree…hmmm).

So…after that- I came up with a plan, to save my sanity.

First- I don’t trust my family and I consider them lost. I have not spoken to them in three weeks- THREE WEEKS! (when it used to be every few days). Then this…which is a habit of theirs I have to say. They pulled this kind of stunt with my medical bills…and so I took care of that. All-in-all, I take care of anything financial…school was the absolute only thing they still had a hold on.

So, my major decision. Not to let my parents pay for my schooling next year. I’ve decided to take out a school loan. Regardless of whether or not they want to/will pay…how can I trust them? And most of all, I cannot have them hold college over my head over and over again, like they do now. Paying for college is the last thing they can hold over my head without a doubt- I take that away…I gain more control over my life again without their manipulation.

So there…there is the rational shit I did today. Now, of course…there’s irrationality throughout this lol.

First…wanting to cut, so badly. I will admit this; I walked around today with my packet of razors in my pocket. Didn’t think I’d use it, but it just felt damn comforting knowing they were there even if I wasn’t going to use. But oh, how I wanted to self injure.

I am in a lot of pain right now. This is some big stuff going on right now. This parental stuff- geez. What do I say? I know for the first time…I am really and honestly seeing how twisted everything is/was. I mean this is all really twisted and sick.

And I have been living with this stuff. I mean…blows my mind. I do have to say, bravo to my mom…she wins the award for manipulation and controlling…without the person knowing. It’s like holy cow, she’s good. But she got to me young I guess. Too bad now, it is really blowing up in her face. I don’t know what she expected to accomplish by all this…but she’s lost. And she has now completely lost me…as I’ve lost her. And I finally am losing my step-father…he actually did have some of my trust…but…after this…how can I- he clearly has picked a side…and it’s not mine.

So what does this all mean? I don’t know. I’m just trying to work it out in my head. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I’ve just kind of gone numb, I guess. I’m exhausted, physically and mentally.

And it just sucks this is happening now…I mean, I was feeling better…and now this. And, this month- so much work to do, like holy cow and to have to grapple with this.

I guess there is some positive in this. I smirk right now at a few realizations (that I hate making). One…I’m very much forced to take total control of my life. I have to go to financial aid, I have to go to student accounts, I have to make all the phone calls and get this sorted out. This is on me.

In order to do all of this…it means I have to care about myself somewhat. I would do anything for anybody else, but always seemed to not do stuff for me. And I always say I hate myself, but I couldn’t possibly do this stuff and hate me at the same time.

I mean, I could say the hell with it all. I can’t do this…well won’t do this and then of course, I’d go off and kill myself. I’d say I can’t handle this pain, I can’t stand the stress of money or school or really hate myself and not do for myself and screw myself over.

But somehow (and who knows how), I…didn’t do that. I am going through the motions of trying to fix this. Which is weird. I know what I might have done in the past. Maybe it’s because my parents are messing with one of the Big Three. There are three things people just don’t mess with:
1) The kids I work with
2) School
3) Mental health stuff

I guess my parents had already tried messing with 1 and 3…hadn’t done 2 yet, until now.

So yeah…I’m doing…something. Action is being taken. It’s hard as hell, but it’s weird- I’m doing it, for whatever that is worth.

Now I’m still not in a good place. I want to cut more than anything right now. I guess to be in control of something…pain. I’m being caused so much pain, I’m not controlling that…I want to be able to control the pain caused to me. I can choose to cause it, stop it at anytime etc. And I get other things from SI…relief from the tension I’ve built up inside. A distraction…and something to help me let go of the numbness and get back in control of my feelings.

BUT, of course…that all sounds nice and rational, but it isn’t at its core. I should be able to find alternatives to accomplish all of that. And, I shouldn’t want to cause myself pain…but that is what is calming to me…plus I do feel as though my life is getting away from me (out of control), so I feel like I need to take control somehow.

And I am thinking unhealthy thoughts (but I guess I’m combating them). It’s weird to me…I just seem to be doing things to combat what is happening…instead of letting things happen and screw myself further. I almost want to say, ‘what’s wrong with me?’ because this isn’t my “normal” behavior…but I also know this is more good behavior, not bad. I think.

Ugh, I don’t know what I’m saying…I am falling asleep. Too much for one day, really. I just need time to process I guess. I’m worried to…about everything. But…whatever, working things out, I guess.

So…I’m…scared (very), sad, angry (very), alone, exhausted, filled with anxiety…that about covers it. Will write more later.

Night.

3-24 (12:40am)
Shit- I've done it again. Okay, so my world is unstable, I feel like shit, the pressures on etc. I didn't turn to cutting- too overt; didn't turn to overdosing- kinda turned off from that after the last few trials of that...so what do I do:

Starve myself...and go into sleep deprivation. I didn't realize it until tonight. I'm pissed. I didn't realize that my not eating had more to do with injuring myself than it did with "forgetting" to eat or a quickie weight loss thing. Damn it, I can't believe I missed this.

And now I'm way into it and I'm telling myself I don't want to stop. But here I am, late at night- a loooong list of things I'm supposed to do...but I'm too tired and too much in pain and feel too faint to accomplish any of it. I've sabotaged myself yet again. I will head to bed now, but plan on getting up early to finish my work (or rather start and finish it). But right now...I'm so out of it. I suppose I've "starved my brain" again and all that good stuff.

Now I have to figure out what to do. The mere thought of eating makes me sick and I take a few bites and I'm through. I'm working on the sleep thing- going for about five or six hours tonight. I'm exhausted to the bone and need it. Especially for tomorrow, booked solid from 8:30am to 11:00+pm. Go me. God. Help me. This is not good.

I'm bouncing around like a fucking yo yo...this is ridiculous. I hate this. I hate what I'm doing to myself, I hate me, I hate...everything. I think it's time to go to bed before I feel like doing more stupid stuff to myself.

Shit- what have I done?

Night.

3-23 (9:00pm)
Ouch...two hours of sleep in two days. I um, yeah...slept from 5:00am-7:00am this morning. And tonight is not looking so hot either. Just so much to do right now. Last night, I did accomplish so much, it felt good. Wrote up work reports on therapists I overlapped and observed. Worked on both of my research projects (autism one and self injury one), studied for a test, did some more stuff for work, and did a lot of work on my message board and talking to people. Got a bunch of emails out of the way that needed to be written and responded too. Felt good to do all of that and exhausting at the same time.

And tonight, still more reports to do, worksheets to make up for the kids, and both research projects to work on again. And long days too. Test this morning for a class, then IQ test with a kid for research, then therapy session, then overlap session and then an update with a kid. And now here I am.

Tomorrow, more of the same. 9:00 have to be at an elementary school to observe two children and meet with a teacher, 12:00, meeting with a professor, 1:00 class, then therapy with a kid, meeting with two therapists and a kid, therapy with a kid and then work with research team (major work) and then more work after that. Wow...now that I think about it...tomorrow is going to be a really long day. Ugh. Double ugh, because the rest of the week is more of the same and THEN I have a potty training scheduled for this weekend, and that is a long fucking day- up when the child rises (around 7 typically) and then with the child all day (a lot on the toilet lol) and then they go to bed, but of course I'm up for another few hours assessing and talking to parents etc. Phew. And then another week begins. Ugh.

But I knew this was how March was going to be. Super busy and super stressed. My schedule got away from me, so I'm paying the price. And while some people may think I don't HAVE to do many of these things, it's still ingrained in me that I do have to. It IS my job to do the reports, the overlaps, the therapy. I do the potty trainings, because they are fun, and so helpful to families and I do get paid a good amount and I need the money. And well, I'm running two research projects together...and they are enjoyable, just lots of work.

So I don't know, perhaps I'm just making excuses, but that is how it is rationalized in my head. Not sure if it's good reality based or bad reality based...guess I should find that out.

Anyway, night.

3-22

Okay, so here goes my rant on self injury. Right now, I'm in an unstable place...I'm probably the healthiest I've ever been and it's fucking scary. I'm like in between the old me and the new me and that is a scary place to be. I'm between my old twisted reality and my new reality that is based more in rationality.

 

And so my want to cut is way high...higher than it normally is. I am of course in the midst of a crossfire where my two selves are battling it out.  I find myself obsessively thinking about self injury. It's been a while since I've been here. I go through this from time to time. When my blinders come off at certain times, well then that is what I obsessively think about.

 

And since now I'm really uncomfortable, I'm in uncertain territory- well, that's when you tend to miss your "friend." That's when I start justifying SI. Oh, it's not so bad, it doesn't cause that much damage- it's my body, I can do what I want with it. It makes me feel better, so I should be allowed to do it. It's easier than any other coping mechanism. It makes me feel alive. I deserve to hurt my body, I'm no good. I need to be punished. There's nothing else that can make me feel this much better...just a little cut and all will be fine.

 

BUT,

There are some counter arguments. One, I said I wouldn't do it. So if I did, well then I'm telling my brilliant counselor that I respect/trust Self Injury more than reaching out to her or trusting her healing ways. Two, I am hurting only myself and not the people who hurt me. I'm letting them win. SIing is inherently wrong, there is nothing good about it in all reality and rationality. I don't need it- there are other ways to cope. And just a little cut- well we all know- it's never just a little cut...that is never enough.

 

And...it IS a CHOICE. No matter why I want to do it or how bad I want to do it...the fact remains that SI is always a choice and my choice to make. So when  I do decide to SI...that is me stating that everything is too much, I've tried my best to do all my alternatives to SI. But, if I truly did all my alternatives to SI, I wouldn't do it- something would stop me.

 

So there. There are my arguments. Now...I let the sides battle it out. In the end it just depends- do I want to screw up my progress, is my want to SI that far greater than my want for anything else (like healing). Will it hurt my progress and what are the repercussions to SIing? So much battling to do.

 

I know I will stand steadfast...but I'm human and I'm scared. This is a scary time and a scary choice before me. I hope my strength holds out, I hope I am brave enough to withstand it, I hope I can make it. I know I have the right support systems in place...now it's just up to me to use them...to for once care enough about me to help me. To reach out... to change...to heal.

 

It's time to do this right.

 

And so I close this rant, these thoughts on the battle of SI. I have always promised to remain truthful to you all about my plight. So you see it is not always easy...but as hard as it is, we can do it. We can change, we can reach out, we can heal. No, it's not easy, but it sure as hell is NOT impossible. We will do it. I will do it.

 

Have a good night everyone!

3-22
Want to give a shout-out to my message board. Last week when I was really low and in a bad place, my assistant manager posted a thread for me...and in it she listed all these great things about me...and then about thirty more messages came in all for me. It's kind of hard to not think you have some worth...when it's there in black and white...what people think of you- and they are good things!

I never really posted when I had problems...guess I had to be the strong manager or something...thought I couldn't let my weak side show.

 

But...they have taught me something very important. You can show your strength in your weakness. I never reached out...I don't know why. I spent all my time helping everyone else...just never occurred to me to ask for help. Until of course, I did it...I actually reached out. With positive results. Everyone came forward...and it was incredible. Never thought reaching out could have so many positive responses...hehe, I've learned it's a good thing.

 

I'm still quite bad at reaching out...but I'm getting better, and hopefully it will get easier as I practice it more. So yeah...I just wanted to thank my message board. They are the best. Thank you all...thank you all so much for this wonderful gift you've given me!

 

Night.

 

P.S. To go to the message board and join, please click on this link: Second Chances for Self Injury

3-22
The following song speaks to my heart right now. It is going on three weeks since I have last spoken to my parents. I am unsure as to why. Prior to this happening, I received a phone call every few days and if it did happen to extend a week, my mom would call and pretty much make me call her back...and after a week, I normally did want to call home and talk to her, my step dad and my two little brothers.

I can only speculate now as to why I haven't heard from them. We did have a nasty argument the second to last day I was home for spring break. It revolved around my biological father, but turned into other things...and it was just another illustration to my mom that she cannot manipulate me any further and she can't control me. I have turned into my own person, independent of her thoughts and idea's. However, the next day she seemed fine.

And then one week passed, not a single call...but it passed without notice, I was just too busy. By the middle of the second week, it hit me that she hadn't called...not even tried. So finally on Friday, I wanted to call home (missed my bro's) and just to let them know I was going out of town with my boyfriend. Well I left two/three messages- no phone call back. So I called around dinner time and got them on their cell. First I talked to my little brother. Then got my mom. She acted a little funny- no mention of how long it's been and just didn't have much to say. And they were over at a friends house, so couldn't really talk. So I told them to call after they were done. Hours passed, finally at 11:00 or so, my step dad calls and said they were exhausted and could they call the next morning. I said okay. Morning came and went...two days have come and gone- no call whatsoever.

This is just bizarre behavior for my parents, as I have known them. And I don't know what to make of it. Is this some twisted game of chicken? Who can wait out the longest before calling? Weird kind of manipulation. First, I could care less how frequently or infrequently we talk. My main concern is my little brothers (5 and 9 years old). Second concern is any monetary issues that may have arisen or insurance stuff we need to go over. After that, fine don't call me...other than to check up on me, which is fine, I want to check in on them too- they are my parents after all. Want to make sure everyone is alive and healthy. I mean what if I was violently ill and couldn't have contacted them. Or something else. It's just weird.

Perhaps I have driven my mom to new manipulation heights, since clearly her guilt trips or using my step father as a manipulation is NOT working. Maybe I finally proved that with our last argument, so she goes to new tactics. I think this is sick- that I'm even thinking like this. I mean this is my FAMILY we are talking about. But it's true. And that my friends...sucks...majorly. Let's rack up another loss for Erin...another parental abandonment. Wahoo. I'm doing great.

I swear though...I've been having trouble with insurance company lately ( they switched without telling me- long story)...and if my parents knew ANYTHING about this...we will have it out in the most major way. And then I won't feel so bad about the lack of communication. But right now I'm just trying to figure out their little signals....their current disturbing behavior.

Anyway...just thought I'd write about this, work it out through writing. Still unsure about my feelings about this. Obviously anger (but even then not so much)...I guess to peg down a feeling, I'd have to first know what it is they are trying to do...the true behavior behind not calling. So without that, I'm in no-man's land. I guess this is a form of abandonment...not calling their daughter for three weeks. What? Is that going to teach me a lesson or something? Weird and twisted. They are twisted! So yeah...abandonment. Rejection? Not sure about that one yet...have they rejected me? Because of my new-found independence? Not sure...I know they have rejected me in other ways...like when they asked me to keep my diagnosis a secret or keep secret the fact that I'm on medication and in therapy. There's something inherently wrong with that. Makes you think there is some shame in being..."me." Well there isn't, so of course they can shove it.

So anyway. Enjoy Child's Song...it's my life currently!

Child's Song
Goodbye momma, goodbye to you too pa.
Little sister you'll have to wait a while to come along.
Goodbye to this house and all it's memories,
We just got too old to say we're wrong.
Got to make one last trip to my bedroom,
Guess I'll have to leave some stuff behind.
It's funny how the same old crooked pictures
Just don't seem the same to me tonight.
There ain't no use in shedding lonely tears mamma,
There ain't no use in shouting at me pa.
I can't live no longer with your fears mamma,
I love you but that hasn't helped at all.
Each of us must do the things that matter,
All of us must see what we can see.
It was long ago you must remember,
You were once as young and scared as me.
I don't know how hard it is yet mamma,
When you realize you're growing old,
I know how hard it is not to be younger,
I know you've tried to keep me from the cold.
Thanks for all you done, it may sound hollow,
Thank you for the good times that we've known,
But I must find my own road now, to follow.
You will all be welcome in my home,
Got my suitcase I must go now.
I don’t mind about the things you said,
I'm sorry Mom, I don't know where I'm going,
Remember little sister look ahead.
Tomorrow I'll be in some other sunrise,
Maybe I'll have someone at my side,
Mamma give your love back to your husband,
Father you have taught us well, goodbye,
Goodbye Mamma, goodbye to you too pa.
-Written by Murray McLaughlan, performed by Tom Rush

3-21
Okay...made it through the weekend. Well, I had a pretty nice weekend. My boyfriend drove up and picked me up and we went up to his college town and spent the weekend...it was nice and hard at the same time.

It was nice because I have needed the break, I love spending time with him and it's just a nice kickass time.

It's hard because this week has been really difficult for me and I think I'm still suffering from the effects from it. And it was like...I could see my body acting a certain way, and I see myself saying things...but my mind was split off and thinking other things. I hated it. I hate that splitting. That use to happen in the years past.

I don't know how to describe it, but it's as if I'm outside of myself. Like I'm watching myself do all these things and act a certain way, but then my mind is like a separate entity, giving commentary, just watching or thinking something altogether different. It makes me feel crazy. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.

I still feel very lost. Like where do you go from here? Where is here? Where am I? Who am I? You know, all these important questions. I just ...I don't know. I just don't know what to talk about, I don't know what to do, I don't know where my life is going...I just don't seem to know anything!!! And that is hard for me to admit...I like to know everything...knowledge is power to me. So I guess that is why I feel so lost- because I don't seem to know jackshit.

And I am scared. That is one new emotion I am willing to admit. Before it was just angry...angry all of the time. Which I guess was good and productive for a while, but it wore out its welcome. So now being afraid has snuck its way in there. So I'm now generally scared and angry all of the time. Great.

I'm sure sadness is not too far behind. I felt a tinge of it over the weekend while thinking about a few things. Was a little sad when I thought of so many things that I've lost. And what sucks, sorta, about the type of loss I'm talking about is...no one died! It's things still living but I'm not privy too. Like my mom...lost , really lost , especially recently since she has not called me in two weeks. Which is a little concerning because them I'm thinking - what is she planning? Oh well, I don't give too much of a rat's ass at this point. I call only to talk to my little brothers.

My lost childhood...I didn't get one of those that leave you with warm fuzzies...more like fear and anger. Lucky me. At least I know what NOT to do as a parent- no hitting or yelling or any of that shit that I don't want to talk about. The bad thing about the blinders coming off...is there is so damn much to see and to admit and to relive all over again.

It's the reliving that gets to you...to see it in your mind again after you try to forget all these years. And I think that is part of the reason therapy has been so hard for me- to uncover what I've spent literally years covering up. That's a lot of shit to go through to get to the truth. I know many times I didn't consciously shut stuff out, but some things, some things I actively told myself didn't happen, such as the sexual abuse with my cousin. That for sure, I just kept telling myself nothing happened until I began to believe it consciously and just kept the rest subconsciously. I can be quite a convincing liar.

But I should have known something was up, honestly. A few years ago, I wrote a poem called, No One Was There. I should have known after I wrote it that something was not right. That poem is about sexual abuse. I honestly don't think you can write something like that and...and not to have had something happen. I wonder if it was some part of me crying out. I never showed this poem to anyone though...and I just wrote it to get it out of my system. I remember thinking I just HAD to write this poem...and once I got it out, some part of me felt better. I should have known then. To view the poem, click here: No One Was There.

So yeah...that's where I am...in no man's land and lost. Scared. A little sad. A little angry. Lost. Hurt. Bruised....but mostly, just lost.

Night.

“And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

And when I chose to live
There was no joy, it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found”
-Dar Williams, After All

”There's the wind and the rain, and the mercy of the fallen,
Who say they have no claim to know what's right.
There's the weak and the strong and the many stars that guide us,
We have some of them inside us.”
-Dar Williams, Mercy of the Fallen

”It's tough and it's tiring when you go it alone
I learned about wiring, I learned about stone
The building is done but the work's never through
And I won't give up, no how, it reminds me of who I am and where I am now
I remember myself, that's the work that I do
On a spring night when the snow is melting
You'll see two sets of footprints walking
Look at all the stars, and turn around, and walk home,
Slowly walk home.

This is not the house that pain built
That is not a house that pain built
My friends all think that I holed up and hid
But I tell them I didn't, you know I don't think I did, no.

And this is where I let my pain go
This is where I let my pain go
This is where the footprints dance in the snow”
-Dar Williams, This is Not the House that Pain Built

“She turned round the corner with music around her,
 She gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said:
 
 "I'm so glad that you finally made it here
 With the things you know now, that only time could tell
 Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
 And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
 Oh, aren't we aging well?"”
 -Dar Williams, You’re Aging Well

3-19

Breathe.

Just breathe.

3-18
Ah, I am exhausted...completely and utterly exhausted...both mentally and physically. What a week...week and a half. I went from feeling great, to feeling suicidal, to wanting to cut and back to feeling great and then the feeling now.

Now...I'm just plain exhausted and I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know where to go from here. I guess I'm a little lost. Scared and lost. But not without hope...always have that. And I look at the rants below...what a trip. And I just...ah, just not sure what to say.

My boyfriend picks me up tomorrow and we are supposed to spend the weekend together. He is like super, super excited. But honestly, I'm like just too freakin exhausted to care. Which I feel really bad about, that I'm not as excited as he is. I think I was yesterday, as I was feeling so much better again yesterday. But, now...exhaustion (key word for tonight)...that and I feel a little empty. I think it's just because I'm spent. I mean so much has happened...it's like..((sigh)). I hope I can get in a better mood...but I suppose that will depend on if I sleep okay tonight.

The school health center screwed up my medication again...so I don't have any for today and have to wait for tomorrow. I hate that. With everything that has gone on with my medication- I just want that to be stable again. Honestly. So much upheaval lately...that I just want things to calm down. Just want everything calm again.

But...I know it won't be that way for a while. Too much has happened. I've entered territory I've never been in before...I am walking on the unstable ground...and so far not retreating. I think I am a little scared that I will retreat...like I'll decide I don't want to do this or can't do this and go back...back out of the tunnel and all of that. I don't think that will happen...I know too much now...but still, that little worry in the back of my mind.

Eh, who knows...maybe all of this is just my exhaustion talking. I'm really, just so tired- of everything really. I want one of those weekends where I just bury my head under the covers and don't emerge until a Sunday evening. But...that won't happen for a long while, as I did book up my weekends.

I know I don't have to do these things...but guilt would rip me to shreds, so I will follow through on my commitments. And just pray that my load lets up or I figure something out.  Guess we'll see how things go.

For now...for now I hope that I get a good nights rest and I will wake up in a better mood and hopefully get excited for my weekend, at least somewhat.

“Oh my fair North Star, I have held to you dearly, I had asked you to steer me,
Till one cloud-scattered night, I got lost and in my travels I met Leo the lion,
Met a king and met a giant, with their errant light,

There's the wind and the rain, and the mercy of the fallen,
Who say they have no claim to know what's right.
There's the weak and the strong and the beds that have no answer,
And that's where I may rest my head tonight. "

Lost, yes. Scared, yes. But okay.

Night.

3-17
Okay…it’s that time again…time for Erin’s healing rants!!

Well…here I am…out of a crash, out of a crisis, out of a mini depression. I made it, I did it…better than I ever have before. Let’s do a little recap.

I was going along, pretty smoothly. Then one day, things explode and my schedule gets way out of whack due to my research team and my company scheduling things for the same day. I have an anxiety/panic attack. BUT, instead of turning to the razor or to a bottle of pills…I sit down, think about it, look at the calendar- and then I email my prof…and my counselor…and post on two message boards. I ask if I am thinking rationally and really lay out my grievances. I definitely had rationality on my side. And so I sat there, feelings and thoughts racing by, attacking me, so many thoughts at once. Thought seriously about the blade, but instead I turned away and turned to people.

With results! My schedule situation was remedied…without too much of a ruckus. I went to my prof, we talked and then she helped me fix it. She gave me a reality check and the guts to follow through. I even stood up to her a bit, when she kept insisting I liked being busy…and so I came back with that was the “old” me…the new me with new limits and this was surpassing it. So we fixed it. And my schedule became slightly calmer.

But then my world came crashing down. At the time, I didn’t understand why. I had successfully negotiated a crisis…I didn’t self injure…I didn’t pick up a bottle of pills. So why then, was I feeling suicidal and even worse? It took me a while to figure this out…I went through all the possibilities in my head…until I found it and it fit.

I was changing. I did some things that I had NEVER done before. Never had I reached out before…in the past I’d always do something dumb or impulsive. But this time…I weighed the options, thought about what I should do. And I resisted the temptations of the past. I closed my eyes and forced myself to rationality. I battled out the distortions of my mind…and I reached out.

And I got positive responses. And that SHOCKED me…I had done something I’d never done before and got some great responses. Can we say information overload? I couldn’t handle it. I know it sounds weird- I couldn’t handle good stuff happen to me…but it’s true.

My reality has been twisted for so long…so I was stuck in a pattern of irrationality and impulses. But this time, this time I found the rational side and I gained a lot of self control. Granted, I had a kickass professor to talk and walk me through this crisis…but hey, that is what I needed. I needed a voice of reason to tell me if I was rational or not…if I was handling this the right way, the normal way. And the answer was yes! The answer was…yes! What a great thing. I branched out, did something different, and it was right.

And so I crashed…I crashed because I suddenly found myself caught between my old reality and my new reality. As my counselor said, I have entered a tunnel…I don’t know how long it is, where I’ll come out, or what will happen while I’m in it…but I’ve entered it and am on the right path. Oh, and I finally entered the RIGHT tunnel. In the past…I always entered the tunnel of depression etc. This time, I chose the tunnel of healing. Which is an important point, considering it was way harder finding this tunnel of healing, and it was hard to enter (a lot of barricades in the way)…but one by one I removed them, until I stood at the entrance…and walked through.

So here I am. I didn’t self injure and take the easy way out. I didn’t pop a bunch of pills and end up in worse trouble. I did reach out, I did think things through…I did change my old ways.

And so now I’m back on the healing path where once I felt I had lost it. I’m taking the little steps that matter. Yeah…I’m still scared as shit- I’ve never been here, on very unsteady ground. But at the same time, I’m just stubborn enough to keep going! I don’t give up easily…and once I’m on a certain path I generally tend to keep going. Glad I have that going for me! But I’m laying the groundwork…and beginning to finally build myself up.

I don’t know where some of the pieces fit…like I still haven’t talked about some things (i.e. the abuse issue), but that’s okay. I’ll get to that when I’m strong enough I suppose. Right now, I need to make my life changes…because there lies the key to it all. If I can change my life…which was so very ingrained in old ways…well then, there won’t be much I can’t get through.

I am scared to death though. Since I’ve never been here, I don’t know what to expect. And as we all know, I HATE the unexpected…can’t stand it…which is part of what kept me in my old habits. It was way easier just to keep that stuff up than to actually shake things up and change.

But…lucky for me…I’m scared AND stubborn. So onward I trudge. I’m my own guide…with a brilliant counselor for support…and she’s lighting my way through the tunnel…and an awesome professor who has shown me such caring and is there to support me while I make this journey…a boyfriend who is really teaching me what true love is about…unconditional love (that’s a new one to me), and also supporting me on this journey…and a friend or two who I can discuss some of this stuff too…it’s a small support…but it’s strong and may be just strong enough to see me through all of this.

So here I am. May be a little battered, bruised…but not broken. I’m being made stronger every day I live in this world. I’m alive…and kickin. A great way to be.

I am scared.

But, I am healing.

“Oh my fair North Star, I have held to you dearly, I had asked you to steer me,
Till one cloud-scattered night, I got lost and in my travels I met Leo the lion,
Met a king and met a giant, with their errant light,

There's the wind and the rain, and the mercy of the fallen,
Who say they have no claim to know what's right.
There's the weak and the strong and the beds that have no answer,
And that's where I may rest my head tonight.

I saw all the bright people, in imposing flocks they landed, and they got what they demanded,
And they scratched at the ground. Then they flew, and the field grew as sweetly for the flightless,
Who had longing yet despite this, they could hear every sound.

There's the wind and the rain, and the mercy of the fallen,
Who say they have no claim to know what's right.
There's the weak and the strong and the beds that have no answer,
And that's where I may rest my head tonight.

If your sister or your brother were stumbling on their last mile, in a self-inflicted exile,
You'd hope they'd meet a humble friend. And I hope someday that the best of Falstaff's planners
Give me seven half-built manors, where half-dreams may dream without end.

There's the wind and the rain, and the mercy of the fallen,
Who say they have no claim to know what's right.
There's the weak and the strong and the many stars that guide us,
We have some of them inside us.
-Dar Williams, Mercy of the Fallen

“Stopped pretending.
Happy ending.
Everything I ever wanted stands in front of me.

I have lost my dreams.
I have lost my dreams.

Now they say I told the truth.
Life beyond the burden of proof:
Paper thin blue skies and windless fields.

I have lost my dreams.
I have lost my dreams.

Traffic crawling,
Life is moving,
Up through stately trees into their green leaves.

Find a new dream.
Find a new dream.
I have lost my dreams.
I have lost my dreams.”
-Dar Williams, I Have Lost My Dreams

“She turned round the corner with music around her,
She gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said:

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here
With the things you know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
Oh, aren't we aging well?"”
-Dar Williams, You’re Aging Well

Thank you :-)

3-16
I feel lost.

So very lost. I am unsure as what is going on. I had a good session today, but I left feeling more confused ever. Went to talk to my prof afterwards, trying to find more answers, but only left with more questions. I hate feeling lost...because that makes me scared. And we all know how much I dislike being scared.

I felt very unsafe tonight. I wanted to cut so bad it hurt, I think. I knew that all the tension I was feeling would go away with one quick flick of the wrist...but ultimately I decided it wasn't worth it...and instead decided to try to make another therapy appt. for the week. I don't often ask for an extra one during the week...but when I think about how close I came and how I still feel like just downing some pills...I suppose it's worth it to show I'm weak and vulnerable right now...and just this week, I really don't think I can make it a week without some kind of harm to myself.

Emotions and feelings are racing by, ravaging my head, my heart, my soul. They are tormenting me, and I cannot sort out what is what and what feeling belongs where.

I feel lost.

I feel scared.

3-15 (9:38pm)
These Four Walls

These four walls confine me:
This is my prison, my cell-
This is my darkness, my lost hope-
This is where I could no longer see.

I feel safe in the arms of pain,
Though its my enemy, it's my security.
In its presence I feel home,
Does this make me insane?

This unhappiness becomes my comfort,
Solitude and wishes, my company.
Distortions, the bricks of my wall,
Where nothing penetrates this fort.

But her kind words I do hear,
They slip through the cracks,
Sometimes ever so quietly-
She sings a quiet cheer.

My world has become an uncertain terrain,
But she reaches out, I take her hand
And follow the healing path-
Pushing forward through all of my pain.

Though my trust leaves much to doubt,
I trudge onward on this path-
Believing in this hope,
And learning what love is all about.

Though I teeter on this edge,
It's her who I trust with my life-
Allowing hope through the cracks,
Following her off my ledge.

These four walls are crumbling around me,
I'm making my prison break-
Following  this light, this hope:
I look up- I can see.

That says it all above. Words fail me now. Please Lord, keep me safe tonight, let me hang on another night.

3-15 (10:48am)

"Choosing not to cut has meant that instead I have had to sit there with the awful agony of unhappiness when it comes- with loneliness, loss, anger, regret, disappointment- and gut it through. The first few times, when I had a fight with my husband, when my cat died, when free-range anxiety swallowed me up whole, it was like having unanesthetized surgery. I had to keep screaming to myself above the shrieking of my distress, THIS WILL NOT KILL YOU!"

"Every new crisis successfully negotiated and survived, inches me that much farter from the event horizon of despair."

3-15 (10:00am)
Still scared.

I feel as though the sky has fallen and my world has come crashing down. I woke up today...with a flat affect. Feeling nothing. Wanting to do nothing. Just wanting to throw the covers over my head.

Four days ago or so, I wrote a great rant...I was healing.

Two days ago, I took too many sleeping pills and woke up shaking and in shock.

Today...today I'm lucky I woke up.

“I can’t figure out how to live in the world after preparing to give up for so long, how I’d gone to the edge and thrown all of my tools over, how the choices involved with living overwhelm me, how I just need to lie down on the old unit and rest for a little while until I feel ready to move back into my body.”

 

I felt like that was a good quote...sometimes describes how I feel. It is so hard to step back into your life, after you've spent so long giving up on it. I think sometimes I take things a little too fast. Like once I feel better, I all of the sudden think I can do all these things...when I just can't.

 

And so now I'm questioning everything. I'm questioning what I'm going to do with my future, what I want to become, what I will become. Everything. What do I do now? Where are the answers? Where is my life- MY LIFE?

 

"I have so far always recovered…each episode takes its toll on the brain, erodes it that much more; bouncing back gets harder, and harder still.”

“I had died for a few hours, been brought back to life, and now was attempting to live as someone similar to but not identical with, my real self”

More good quotes. Especially the last one. Reminds me of September...I'm not that person anymore- she died in September...so now I guess I'm trying my best to pick up the pieces and form a new person, a better person. But I think I'm failing in that department, as this week is indicating to me.

I'm losing me again. So now I pray I don't lose all of me, that I can stop this spiral down before it gets too late. I made a promise to myself in September: If I ever returned to a depression that bad, to that bleak darkness, to that no hope territory- then I would die. I will not live through that kind of hell again. So now, I need to keep myself from fulfilling that promise- that's one I do not wish to keep.

 

Still scared...

 

Still lost.

3-13
I'm scared.

I wrote this long ass rant that I was going to post. And then I decided not to. I think...I really think I'm manic. My thoughts are zipping by at a rate I haven't seen in a long while. I'm writing a lot, I'm talking a lot and feel invincible. That's not right. It isn't...I can feel it in my gut that something isn't right.

I feel very unsettled. I started to feel like I don't need sleep anymore and that life is awesome and a bunch of other shit. And I'm scared...scared because the last time I felt this exact way was when I was 17...and had my first experience of the "high" life. And I see my thoughts going there again. And I'm fucking scared right now, I am.

I don't think my new meds are working -the Lamictal...I don't think it's doing jack shit...I mean with Depakote, yeah I did feel a difference- but it made all my hair fall out, so I can't go back to it. But right now I almost feel like taking the Depakote I have left over to settle me down. But it's not worth risking the whole hair thing again,  I don't think.

But shit...I'm honestly scared...of my actions- I have no idea what I'll do...what to do. God, I'm even questioning if I'm safe. I also feel a little like back in September, after I was depressed and I posted those ridiculous rants...which got me about four phone calls the next day from mental health personnel.

And I can't sleep- I ran out of Seroquel...I'm thinking of just going to Walmart, get some sleep aide...take a bunch of it and sleep from here on out...I don't know what else to do.

I'm scared if I stay awake I'll do stuff I'll regret. So yeah, I gotta go get a bottle of Nyquil or something like that and just down half the bottle. It's the only way.

3-13(3:00am)
I really have got to slow down. I feel like my mind is on a super-sonic flight...and I can't stop it...so I'm a little worried that my medication is not working. It's not stopping my high's. Definitely no low in sight. I seem to have much, much clarity- but it seems like TOO much too me...and I'm busy as a mother f***er.

I always get worried when I just start doing stuff...like I have spent so much time on my site today and updating stuff and talking...oh goodness the talking- it seems like I'm emailing anybody and everybody. All the message boards- been super active...my poor counselor got like four emails in one day and I don't even know why, my message board has a bunch of new sites now and I've been super active on instant messenger.

I've made a new friend and we've talked for five hours on two occasions...I NEVER talk that much! Unless something is up. I mean come on, I can barely talk for an hour during a therapy time. I've been talking that much to some of the mom's with regards to autism. I can't shut up. And that scares me.

I can remember clearly...anytime this happens...it's because I'm too "high." And I know what comes after this...I'm having huge amounts of anxiety of what might come...I'm really afraid of crashing right now.

And also, might as well admit this...I nicked my finger today, while cutting something out...and even though it was completely accidental...oh man seeing the blood, feeling the sharp pain...oh geez what an alluring thing...I just wanted to take out the razors and just do it a little. Is it sick to miss cutting? That is how I feel sometimes. As self destructive as it is...I don't know, there is just something about it. Don't know what draws me to it- but something...something deep and something strong.

But I've made my stand...when it comes right down to it, my choice was either counseling with a kickass counselor or cutting. I firmly chose therapy. But oh how hard it is to stay away from it. And sometimes I do entertain thoughts of doing it and hiding it. But it's not in me, I don't think I could keep it a secret...wouldn't be right and would break the lines of trust we've established. And the stand I made...the line I drew that I am not going to cross.

But I can't begin to describe how badly I want to cut right now...even right this minute...I am so freakin pulled to it...and I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

Maybe it's because last night I freaked out so badly? I went to the panic attack, first time since freshman year. (they crop up when I don't have self injury). And instead of reaching for the blade or anything else self-destructive...I reached out in two ways. First, I emailed my prof and explained things. And by the grace of God, she was actually online that night and responded which helped. Then I emailed my counselor- just to get it off my chest. And then I really ranted on two message boards. And of course, you saw it all unfold right here on my rants.

 I was determined to be rational, to think like a rational person- but it's so hard. So very hard. When I think about my life and what has always been my norm, what has always been my safety...and to step outside that- freakin hard. It was so hard last night...to go through the steps of becoming rational.

It dawned on me why I did use to turn to the self destructive measures rather than battle out the rationality of it all- it was quicker...I got relief quicker with a few swift cuts...it takes longer to work out the rational shit. And I had to let the flood gate of emotions open...and it hit me like a freight train- I had to go through the onslaught...and I took it...I took it all.

And in the end, I ended up on the rational side of things. I didn't piss anybody off by emailing too quickly before I let things settle...I didn't sit and stew, I was active...all the way up until Seroquel kicked in. And I didn't even finger a blade. I kept it in the distant parts of my mind and it stayed there.

But now in the aftermath, really struggling here. Not sure what to do. But it's always a choice...and it's a choice I'm not going to make. I won't. I will just keep telling myself that. And remember the therapy session where I drew the line. I will not cross it. What would it mean if I did? It'd be me falling back into old habits...signifying me losing ground...that I don't have faith in these new ways of thinking...that I don't respect my counselor enough to follow through on our plan we wrote up for not self injuring,  that everything I say is bull shit and doesn't apply to me.

But of course, I've got the devil advocates side of me- telling me that I'm not doing it in place of therapy or healing or other ways of coping, that I'm just doing it because I miss it, because I like the pain (well, pushing past the threshold of pain), the blood, the control...I f***ing liked it and I guess still do. That is so sick! But it's true!

However (tired of using but lol), the reason I like the pain, the blood, the control etc...it's because that is what I'm used to- that is my security...and now that I'm without it- I'm in unfamiliar territory...so of course I'm going to grapple with wanting it...wanting my security blanket. I'm in uncharted territory and I don't have the quick release anymore. That is a scary thing, very scary thing. I just need to face up to that fear and get past it.

Just have to keep with my strong voice, the voice of reason. I cannot falter, I will be strong. I'm talking about it, figuring it out, understanding...and staying on this side of the line-  I will not cross it...tonight. I won't.

And that's good...very, very good. So off to perhaps sleep- probably not...too much thinking, too many thoughts, too many thoughts coming in too fast, I can't slow them or catch them. Will figure out something to do. Good night all.

3-12
The song going through my head today and everyday...I just love it...says so much and really describes what I'm going through:

"You've been taken by the wind
You have known the kiss of sorrow
Doors that would not take you in
Outcast and a stranger

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny meant to find you all these years

You have drunk a bitter wine
With none to be your comfort
You who once were left behind
Will be welcome at love's table

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny meant to find you all these years

All the nights that joy has slept
Will awake to days of laughter
Gone the tears that you have wept
You'll dance in freedom ever after

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny meant to find you all these years

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny meant to find you all these years"
Written by Julie Miller, performed by Cry Cry Cry (Dar Williams, Lucy Kaplansky, Richard Schindell)

3-12
Ah.............the problem with having a fucked up schedule...then times get fucked up...ended up missing one of the overlaps I was supposed to do because lines got crossed, and I was there a half hour early and when no one showed, I thought it had been cancelled when really it was a half hour later. UGH.

I'm so fucking stressed right now...you can tell because I'm using fucking a lot. I'm just spent...I want a breather and I'm not going to get one for a while...ugh. Next week will be known as hell on Earth. I just want this month to be over with...for everything to just magically happen and then comes April (which isn't a whole hell of a lot better).

What sucks is I know I could probably turn it up into high gear...become a complete workaholic and live and breathe autism (like I used to) and break off any engagements I have with boyfriends and friends...and just lose myself so  I don't think about how packed my schedule is:

BUT...I know where that leads- to an empty depression. And just feeling empty inside. And for once in my life...I don't feel empty, I feel like there is substance to me and I can make it through my days, I can have a boyfriend or a friend and do stuff and not let work or school or anything else rule me and dictate my worth.

BUT, while this is all well and good...at the end of the day, I still feel like shit...I really do right now...I hate myself, I hate the patterns I go through, I hate how my schedule got all fucked up, so right now I'm in a perpetual state of panic- I hate all of that.

I just want to scream and cry and be done with it all. Sometimes...life is just too much, you know? It's like when do I get to take a break from reality. I don't want to fight myself every time I wake up in the morning, I don't want to have to close attention to every freakin detail of my life- which I have to do, because I'm gradually changing it from abnormal to normal...so if I let up, I simply fall back into old, very bad habits. And that is just what happened...I lost control of my head and my schedule and now I'm left with shit to pick up.

And so I hate it all. I want to scream WHY ME...I want to cry- that above anything I want to do...it's so fuckin easy for other people to do it, so why in the hell is it so hard for me to do?! I know sometimes I probably could do it, but I have a roommate...like right now- I just want to be alone- I want to blast Dar Williams...lie in my bed and have a good cry...or turn on the TV and do mindless stuff to pass the time. But no, I have to share this room with someone and thus am fucked. Can't wait for no roommie next year- what a blessing that will be.

And so here I am...as screwed up as ever...even when I try to do good, try to make changes, I still end up getting fucked...the story of my life. Will it ever end?

3-12
Okay, the next day- I am calm...er. It was a long night.

But you know what: In the past, I would have reached for a razor, or would have let it develop into a full fledge panic attack, but I didn't let that happen ...I was able to stop and just write and just try to work it out...from just emailing my counselor, prof and posting on two message boards. And just kept trying to look at the rational side and really try to figure this out.

And it took a lot for me to realize it was too much...normally I'd be like "hell yeah, bring it on!" But I didn't do that this time...I realized exactly what would happen, if I kept this load up- I'd crash, no doubt about it...I've seen this pattern before and I know where it leads. And for once I'm taking a stand against that and saying, "No, I won't go that way again."

I hope this is a permanent change...I hope this is rational...I hope this is right. I hope a lot! So let's all hope this gets worked out so I'm not fucked in the end.

Breathe...just breathe.

3-11(10:39)

3-11 (10:00pm)
Okay I'm calming down, I'm thinking about this rationally and trying to figure out how everything collapsed. I know it partially collapsed because I just counted up how many reevaluations I have to do for this research project and it looks like I have to do ten (and I've already done two)...the max any one else has is six.

So I think to myself...is that right? Especially if you add in the fact that I have the busiest schedule, I work with the most kids and this is also my month for overlaps and a potty training. Also, I was only supposed to do the five kids that I work with, plus three kids that involve substantial traveling. Well, somehow in addition to that, I got another three kids to do. How did that happen??? I didn't even realize it until the schedule was sent out, I had some inkling in my meeting that I seemed to keep getting schedule and then when I really looked at it, I was like holy shit. That's not right. If I have to do two traveling evals that encompass three kids (and at least six hours of driving time and a big chunk of a day), then why did I get scheduled those extra kids?? How did that happen?? Why didn't anyone else notice? Last semester they all noticed if I was doing too many evals. Plus, it's like they kept asking me to rearrange my schedule- well my fucking schedule has a rather large impact on those around me and means a lot to these kids.

God, I hope this is rational. I'm going to bring it up to my prof and then hopefully email my team...I don't see why I'm doing a total of 12 evals when everyone else is doing a max of like six and no offense, but I do have the busiest schedule.

Just breathe...just keep breathing. Breathe, just keep breathing.

3-11 (9:15pm)
Okay, I'm definitely in panic mode, one hundred percent...I got a little breather for several hours as I had a fantastic conversation with someone...but then the moment I stepped into my dorm and saw my calendar and some emails...the old familiar panic came up.

I am trying desperately  to keep this from a full fledge panic attack, something I haven't had in two years. I've already taken my seroquel and praying it kicks in SOON.

I just don't know what to do- my schedule is a fucking mess. I have now schedule so many things in one day, I don't know how I'll be able to do it...it's like too much. Since this is what I hate- I get just a glimmer, this time spark of goodness, I do some good things, even get some free time...so then now that I have NO free time...I miss it and want it back. But that's in direct conflict to the stuff I have to do.

I know this isn't the end of the world, but if fucking feels like it...I feel like my heart is in a vice...I'm breathing deeply right now and just want to scream. Geez there is so much to do it makes me sick thinking about it!!! I just don't know how I can do it all and sleep and keep my grades up and make people at work happy, and my research team happy and make everybody else happy. And it's pretty much this way in April too.

God, I've f***ed up again, haven't I? But I didn't know it this time, I didn't consciously schedule all this shit, it's like in the span of two days everything cropped up and came together and has sent my head spinning. And God, I'm worried about so much. So much to do, so much to do!!!!!!!!!

Some of this shit has even cut into my one free weekend that I'll spend with my bf...that wasn't supposed to happen. I just pray that I will be able to relax then and not think about all the shit I have yet to do and all the stuff I'm failing.

I look at the rant I wrote yesterday and I'm wondering, who the fuck was that? Where the hell did that come from??? No idea. Because right now I'm no where...just wondering how in the world my strength is going to hold out...because it's not doing so well, teetering a bit.

I just don't even know what to say, but I needed to write...until this Seroquel kicked in...please kick in soon. I'm a wreck...and it's nighttime, not a good time for me...just need to hide, need to hide.

3-11
Wow- I just made up my schedule for March- what a mess, every single day, I see at least two kids, and most of the time three of them and I'm running like a mad man to all of them- March is dead for me- filled, to the top. But that's not what I came here to write...Just wanted to post some lyrics of how I feel right now :-) Enjoy.

Fall On Me

There's a problem, feathers, iron, bargain buildings, weights and pulleys
Feathers hit the ground before the weight can leave the air
Buy the sky and sell the sky and tell the sky and tell the sky

Don't fall on me
Fall on me
Fall on me

There's the progress we have found
A way to talk around the problem
Building towered foresight isn't anything at all
Buy the sky and sell the sky and tell the sky and tell the sky

Don't fall on me
Fall on me
Fall on me

Well I could keep it above
But then it wouldn't be sky anymore
So if I send it to you you've got to promise to keep it whole

Buy the sky and sell the sky and lift your arms up to the sky
And ask the sky and ask the sky

Don't fall on me
Fall on me
Fall on me
- written by Michael Stipe, performed by Cry, Cry, Cry (Dar Williams, Lucy Kaplansky and Richard Schindell)

You're Aging Well
Dar Williams

Why is it that as we grow older and stronger
The road signs point us adrift and make us afraid
Saying "You never can win," "Watch your back," "Where's your husband?"
Oh, I don't like the signs that the sign makers made.

So I'm going to steal out with my paint and brushes
I'll change the directions, I'll hit every street
It's the Tinseltown scandal, the Robin Hood vandal
She goes out and steals the king's English
And in the morning you wake up and the signs point to you

They say
"I'm so glad that you finally made it here,"
"You thought nobody cared, but I did, I could tell,"
And "This is your year," and "It always starts here,"
And oh... "You're aging well."

Well I know a woman with a collection of sticks
She could fight back the hundreds of voices she heard
And she could poke at the greed, she could fend off her need
And with anger she found she could pound every word.
But one voice got through, caught her up by surprise
It said, "Don't hold us back, we're the story you tell,"
And no sooner than spoken, a spell had been broken
And the voices before her were trumpets and tympani
Violins, basses and woodwinds and cellos, singing

"We're so glad that you finally made it here
You thought nobody cared, but we did, we could tell
And now you'll dance through the days while the orchestra plays
And oh, you're aging well."

Now when I was fifteen, oh, I knew it was over
The road to enchantment was not mine to take
'Cause lower calf, upper arm should be half what they are
I was breaking the laws that the sign makers made.

And all I could eat was the poisonous apple
And that's not a story I was meant to survive
I was all out of choices, but the woman of voices

She turned round the corner with music around her,
She gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said:

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here
With the things you know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
Oh, aren't we aging well?"
(Meant for that extra special woman...I think she knows who she is :-))

And so my thoughts for the day...time for shower and support group!

3-10
First- DAMN- I wrote an incredible, insightful rant and my f'in computer messed it all up. So now I will try to recreate it:

Wow...it's been a long time since I've written up here. I was thinking about that today while I was massively sick with the stomach flu (oh lots of fun let me tell you!).

Anyway...I was thinking...I think it's because I'm healing. That's right, I've said it...healing. I've not needed to splurge my soul here because I've been talking about what's been going on with me. I used to write anything and everything up on here because it was the only place I could talk so to speak. But now...I really talk in my therapy sessions...and then I talk to other people about what went on in my therapy sessions and then some. No longer must I only bare my soul here on this page...but in real life, I have real people to talk to- people who don't judge me or make me feel worse. When I talk to people...it's a great outlet...and I get feedback and validation. Those are all wonderful things.

Also before...this site has so much anger and pissed off feeling everywhere. Forget happiness and sadness- just anger. And I've realized all the crisis I put myself through. Being in chaotic situations or crisis situations...those were my securities, so I'd stay in them. Sure after downfall after downfall, I'd reassess my situation and think about changing things...but never was I HEALING...I was just figuring out ways to stay angry and stay in crisis- my security.

And I also realized I was pushing myself too hard to get better. It's like I thought I had to just get it all out as fast as possible- I needed to hurry up and be healed...and not realizing I was becoming my own worst enemy.  I was thinking back to sessions that were so horrible and it just dawned on me that pushing myself so hard to talk was hurting me- my walls would stay sky high, my defenses on high. So when I took a deep breath and slowed down, I realized what I needed to do. And I'm doing them.

"Well I know a woman with a collection of sticks
She could fight back the hundreds of voices she heard
And she could poke at the greed, she could fend off her need
And with anger she found she could pound every word.
But one voice got through, caught her up by surprise
It said, "Don't hold us back, we're the story you tell,"
And no sooner than spoken, a spell had been broken
And the voices before her were trumpets and tympani
Violins, basses and woodwinds and cellos, singing

"We're so glad that you finally made it here
You thought nobody cared, but we did, we could tell
And now you'll dance through the days while the orchestra plays
And oh, you're aging well."
Dar Williams- You're Aging Well

-It said, "Don't hold us back, we're the story you tell," It's those stories that  I need to tell. And tell them I will.

I know one thing I still have trouble with- any mention of sexual abuse- and phew my defenses go sky high. I used to push myself to remember, push myself to say things...when I was not ready. I read The Courage to Heal (TCH) from cover to cover, but did so in a manner where I would gather all of the knowledge and not feel any of the feelings. And then I tried doing TCH workbook and got only so far, I had to stop because if I went any further, I'd be doing the exercises all wrong- without feeling. So I stopped and will go back and concentrate on making sure I'm at the right place, that I'm doing things right this time. 

I know for some people, once they find someone to trust, they can just let it all out...but for some reason, not me. The more I rush it, the more I push it, the worse my defenses are. So instead, I want to try the new approach...telling my story, talking to more than one person...no more lying, no more denial...just talk...just talk and see where it gets me.

"And when I chose to live
There was no joy, it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found"
Dar Williams- After All

When I decided to live- I was not lost or found either. Which was part of the problem I suppose. As I said earlier, crisis was my friend. But it appears my last crisis and September knocked me over the edge. It was there I fully immersed myself in the darkness...I had always wanted to know what it was like to completely give up- to see death knocking at my door...to see what would happen when not even my effect on the kids I work with would matter. So I descended to that dark area and I found out first hand what it was like.

And had it not been for my counselor- I would have found out what death was like too. But instead I lived...not knowing what would happen from there- I'd never been there before. And it scared me...I became scared for the first time...scared of what would happen if I didn't get better. So that is where all the pushing comes in- I wanted it all out...I'd open my mouth to scream- but nothing would come out. So I worked on getting lost in everything and submerged myself in anger. Anger became my way out of everything. Until now.

Now I'm working on being found and not so lost.

So then I was thinking, as I said above- there is so much anger. I write about self injury, about suicide, about what pisses me off, what makes me angry... but what about what makes me happy...and even sad. There is none of that here on my site...and I so wondered why...and I wondered what would happen if I would add those two emotions into this site. So here goes.

So what makes me happy? What brings me this thing called happiness?
Living...yes that even brings smile to my face. Children and being able to really see God's miracle ever single day. Watching the kids I work with grow and learn...and smile at their accomplishments. Hearing their parents say they'd never thought they'd see the day when their child would do something, like wave for the first time- priceless. Being with my little brothers, knowing it's the little things that make them happy, from showing up at their elementary school to snuggling up and watching Nick at Nite. Being in my boyfriend's presence- knowing and feeling love-finally. His acceptance and understanding is incredible...I'm indebted to him for showing me what that is. Great counseling sessions where we can both laugh and get serious. Her humor and kindness is unmatched. And her insights are incredible- I'm quite lucky. Listening to Dar Williams- a hell of a good time. Finally having a best friend...no matter the age difference...finally being able to be myself...to not be judged and have unconditional love and acceptance- priceless. Hanging out with a favorite prof and talking about all things psychology and then some. This site and the hope it seems to bring other people. Sleeping! Looking outside and realizing that it's a beautiful day and I'm alive to see it. Looking at the water and remembering all the wonderful times I have being in it! Seeing the "beauty of the rain." Yes...these are all things that make me happy.

And what about sadness? What makes me sad? That's a tricky one...since I hate sadness! But...all the time I've lost...time I've lost to "sickness"...to searching for the truth. Knowing I'll never ever be the same...I've seen the depths of despair, even knocked at deaths door- that's a little sad...knowing you were prepared to die. I'm sad because at several points in my life I've lost both parents, and though I've gained one now...I still have lost one. And I'm still at a loss for my older brother (though perhaps one day it will be a gain). A loss of childhood- I didn't get the kind of childhood that a child should...and though I try to be brave and say that doesn't bother me- we all know that's bullshit...every child deserves a great childhood, with their innocence intact...that was taken from me and thus will always be a touch of sadness. And so this all is sad to me.

"And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...
And she says

What do you hear in these sounds?
What do you hear in these sounds?

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh," I say, "What?" she says, "Exactly,"
I say, "What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"
She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past
Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
Who invented roses?"
and...

What do you hear in these sounds?
What do you hear in these sounds?"
Dar Williams- What Do You Hear in These Sounds?

I always love hearing this song, no matter how many times I've listened to it...and it's all mainly because of those lines above...gets me every time and it reminds me of my therapy sessions. I am the one with the map, I am the guide...I've been looking for a guide or map from outside myself, thinking always that someone else had the key to my head...thought I'd just be healed...somehow. But I know now...it's all in what I hear...all in the "soundbytes and voices out of photographs." So what do I hear in these sounds? They are all the words I've written above. I hear more than anger, but sadness and happiness too and a whole host of other feelings and emotions.

"You've been taken by the wind
You have known the kiss of sorrow
Doors that would not take you in
Outcast and a stranger

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny meant to find you all these years

You have drunk a bitter wine
With none to be your comfort
You who once were left behind
Will be welcome at love's table

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny meant to find you all these years

All the nights that joy has slept
Will awake to days of laughter
Gone the tears that you have wept
You'll dance in freedom ever after

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny meant to find you all these years

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny meant to find you all these years"
Written by Julie Miller, performed by Cry Cry Cry (Dar Williams, Lucy Kaplansky, Richard Schindell)

I just love this song so much as well...it says so much about someone who is healing, really healing. Through everything, your finding the destiny that's always been meant for you. When people ask me if I've regretted everything that has happened, often times I say no...simply because it's made me who I am today...and I think I'm emerging as a pretty good person, at least I hope so. But sorrow has been a large part of my life, and if that makes me stronger and pushed me toward my rightful destiny, then so be it. Seeing and feeling so much sorrow has made me appreciate life that much more and perhaps much more than the average person- I can see the beauty in living, the ever day miracle of children! ..the "beauty of the rain"...and I will reach the destiny meant to find me all these years.

"Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on their way.

Here's hoping that the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on their way.

It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you've just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings,
I hope tomorrow you find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.

Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.

I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone, it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things."
Dar Williams- Better Things

This is probably my favorite song right now...every time it comes on, I blast my car speakers or computer speakers...you just can't listen to this song on low- it has so much optimism wrapped up in it.  "Living like you've just begun./Accept your life and what it brings,"...what a great set of lyrics! That almost feels like how I am right now. It's great.

So here I am, these are my long-winded thoughts. (Notice, I've saved after ever paragraph- I've learned my lesson!) Part of me feels better...but even while writing these thoughts...part of me is praying- praying that this is not another one of my delusions. Generally when I have this sort of clarity it's a bad sign- that I'm either still in a "high" state or a crash is soon...that this was a temporary feeling...this is just me feeling better for a time before something bad happens. I don't know...but I do have those thoughts in a slow, soft whisper. But for now, I'll go with the louder voice that's, "...rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you've just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings,
I hope tomorrow you find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things. "

Night.