2-26
Okay, I really wanted to write tonight, as a lot of thoughts were swirling through my head. However, again, I have a migraine, so I think I will retire for the night. Though, first some good news: Insurance stopped being a bitch about meds and I have started back on my mood stabalizer (lamictal), concerta and seroquel tonight. I start back on Effexor tomorrow. It will take a good three weeks for both mood stabalizer and effexor to kick in...so still have some flux time with moods. But seroquel should help with getting back into sleeping regularly and also agitation and irritability. And of course Concerta for my concentration which is lacking a lot.

But, my thoughts have been good...I had a panicky beginning of week, with lots of bad things happening (I'll elaborate later), but it seems I was able to hold it together and gain some perspective. I'm happy about this because it shows me how far I've come. I used to just fly out of control...if bad stuff was happening...then I'd just keep sinking. I didn't do that this time- I hung on, I reached out with success and you know what? I'm alright. I really am. It's still hard...fighting the thoughts in my head- keeping them at bay is a full time job. But I've learned a lot. First- don't go off medication. To answer my question of why I went off- YES, I do fluctuate in moods...I have most definitely proved that. I'm paying for the "high" literally and I barely escaped the low without permanent damage.

But the key is- I did. I made it alright. Though I still have some weeks to go before normalcy sets in again...at least I know I have some control over some things. I need to be proud of the small things, and you know what? I'm proud that I didn't let myself slip totally. I'm alright.

So with that, I think it's seroquel and sleep time...I have a mid term tomorrow, for which I'll study for in the morning (class at 1:00). I just can't even read tonight, too much light and head hurts so badly. So...I've made it through another day- a small accomplishment, but one nonetheless!

Night all.

You're Aging Well
Dar Williams

Why is it that as we grow older and stronger
The road signs point us adrift and make us afraid
Saying "You never can win," "Watch your back," "Where's your husband?"
Oh, I don't like the signs that the signmakers made.

So I'm going to steal out with my paint and brushes
I'll change the directions, I'll hit every street
It's the Tinseltown scandal, the Robin Hood vandal
She goes out and steals the king's English
And in the morning you wake up and the signs point to you

They say
"I'm so glad that you finally made it here,"
"You thought nobody cared, but I did, I could tell,"
And "This is your year," and "It always starts here,"
And oh... "You're aging well."

Well I know a woman with a collection of sticks
She could fight back the hundreds of voices she heard
And she could poke at the greed, she could fend off her need
And with anger she found she could pound every word.
But one voice got through, caught her up by surprise
It said, "Don't hold us back, we're the story you tell,"
And no sooner than spoken, a spell had been broken
And the voices before her were trumpets and tympani
Violins, basses and woodwinds and cellos, singing

"We're so glad that you finally made it here
You thought nobody cared, but we did, we could tell
And now you'll dance through the days while the orchestra plays
And oh, you're aging well."

Now when I was fifteen, oh, I knew it was over
The road to enchantment was not mine to take
'Cause lower calf, upper arm should be half what they are
I was breaking the laws that the signmakers made.

And all I could eat was the poisonous apple
And that's not a story I was meant to survive
I was all out of choices, but the woman of voices

She turned round the corner with music around her,
She gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said:

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here
With the things you know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
Oh, aren't we aging well?"

Thank you to the ones that have given me the language to survive...and not just survive, but live life!
(meant for three special women, who know who they are!)

2-19
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RESEARCH

2-13
I wanted to cut tonight. But I didn’t…because instead I wanted to cry. I just wanted to cry. The tears never fell…welled…but never fell. But that was enough to a point. But I did try to choose a much healthier coping mechanism. I just wish it had happened the way I would have liked.

I feel confused right now. Very, very, very confused.

On the one hand --> I want to quit therapy and get myself together. I just seem to get really agitated right now and therapy is making it worse. I need to shed this me that is sabotaging relationships. I fully believe what I am doing is just pushing her away. I got to close, so then all of the sudden I started back pedaling. And what’s the one thing that could keep her at a distance? Pretend like your not trying…and she’ll back off- and then you can back off and then therapy becomes this superficial thing I put myself through every week because I like the company.

On the other hand --> I’m ready to scream at the top of my lungs. I’m ready to lose it, so I can begin to build myself up again. I always seem to need to be torn down before things can go on. And right now, I have a particularly big wall to bring down at the current moment.

Why is it that most people- any normal person- once they find someone they trust, they just tell it all, have their good cry and can be healed. Me? I do the exact opposite. I find ways to perpetuate my suffering, I push away people trying to help me and I lead a generally miserable existence…and don’t fight for anything else…or I fight for a little while and then say fuck it for one reason or another.

So that begs the question --> do I really want to get better? Since my commitment to therapy has been questioned numerous times lately, I question it myself.

But now I find myself in dangerous territory. If I’m committed, then I need to start making better changes- if I’m not, then it’s time to end it. You know what I mean. I’m very black and white on this subject. Either I get better, or I check out of this world. There’s no point living in it if things don’t change, if I don’t change and if I don’t bother even trying to change.

So that begs the question- where am I now? What am I going to do? What is going on with me.

Again…I feel as though I’m dangling off a cliff, and I’m losing grip. I have some strong hands holding me…but it’s up to me to climb back up…but I’m either climbing very slowly…or not at all. Not good.

This is all not good. What do I do? What do I do????

2-11
Well, I thought a lot about what I wanted to write tonight...and so I came up with...nothing. I feel brain dead today. Not sure why completely. The day started out like the others...me very hyper...kicked ass on a test I barely studied for, little sleep last night, talking so fast I was getting weird looks. Had two good sessions with my first two kids today, but then the third proved to be quite a challenge. Then I returned home to find out I had missed a very important meeting, because I thought it was tomorrow...not today...and then my irritability and anger took over from there for the rest of the night.

So I got out my music mixer and mixed some music and songs...that was fairly relaxing and I had fun. In fact, I just spent most of the evening with music- listening, lyrics, the works. I was heavy on the Dar Williams (as always), threw in some Lucy Kaplansky, Joan Baez and Martina McBride.

So I guess this was an evening to unwind and get myself un-upset. And I have therapy tomorrow and I'm trying really hard to keep my demons at bay and keep an open mind. I've had a wild time recently and I just feel like I'm in the middle of a fire right now...and the only way to get out is through it...so I gotta figure out how to do that without getting burned too badly.

And as everyone has probably gathered by now, I was/am recently rebelling against medication. And I just read a chapter in a book I have about the whole medication shit and about the "nonconcordance" of patients with this illness. "you are more likely to become nonconcordant if you are...younger...severely ill...recently hospitalized...and lack of supportive family structure, a spouse, or friends to rely on." I think I've got the younger part, lack of support...was hospitalized in September...and if you go by my depressions- yes I can be severely ill. Go me...I'm a perfect candidate to be stupid and play with fire.

Then there is this lovely paragraph, "Because the consequences of discontinuing medication is not always immediate (that is, you can feel better, temporally, after stopping your medication), you may feel that you are "in the clear" and can go on living your life without medication. Unfortunately, your good feelings can be due to the hypomania that often develops shortly after medication is withdrawn. This hypomania is often the first stage in the evolution of a serious manic episode."

I'm fairly sure most people that have talked to me in the last week would say I've been acting way up there...kept getting weird looks especially with the fast talking...and the way my mind has sprung into action with regards to creativity and problem-solving (at least in my opinion).

But anyway...I will go back on meds, I'm just waiting until Monday, when I see my pdoc again...I just can't take what I've been on. It made me physically ill...to the point when I would take the meds I'd want to throw it all up...and then I finally figured out something very important: hair loss/thinning is a side effect to Depakote...I've been dealing with this for a while and then in the last two months or so, it's gotten really bad, even other people are noticing how thin my hair is, and you can see where the hair is gone too. That is highly embarrassing...and I'm sorry I can't deal with the nausea and hair loss side effects. Both make for me being in a bad mood often.

And then I wonder if I just need a mood stabilizer- I had really stopped the anti-depressant I was on even longer ago- mainly because when it came time to take meds and I felt like puking, I knew the stabilizer was more important...stopping the anti- d didn't seem to have an effect. The Seroquel...I don't think I mind taking...but I ran out...and as luck would have it, my insurance company is being a butt-head and not renewing my prescriptions but wanted me to pay full price...so I need to get the guts up to call them and tell them this is bull shit- which would they rather pay for- prescriptions or a long hospital stay. So I guess my problem is both personal and insurance related.

So yeah...those are my recent thoughts. I do have good things going on, talked to my dad last night and we had a wonderful talk...and I just remember thanking God that night for him finding me again. And then my boyfriend will be visiting this weekend- Friday evening all the way until late Monday morning/early afternoon. So that is something to look forward to. Also, my research project with a professor is getting approved this week, so I get to start that...a news reporter that has been talking with me for months now and putting together a report is airing that report tomorrow, so I'm super excited about that...they are putting the broadcast on the net after the news, so I'll get to see it tomorrow! And finally, I joined a campus support group and that starts up this Thursday and I'm really looking forward to that. I think that covers the new, recent good events.

I guess I will get back to doing music stuff, or maybe just listen (I've got Dar Williams, Farewell to the Old me going now...coincidence lol?). But just wanted to get a few thoughts out. I'm just really nervous about my therapy session tomorrow morning. Almost cancelled it multiple times, but I'm going forward. Outta be interesting and I hope to God a good session, I don't think I could take a bad one.

So yeah...just chillin' until tomorrow. Not tired, obviously, so I think I'll just enjoy my music.

Night.

2-9
From The Ashes
Martina McBride

My right hand holds matches
My left holds my past
I hope the wind catches
And burns it down fast
I'm gonna step into the fire
With my failures and my shame
And wave goodbye to yesterday
As I dance among the flames So

Chorus:
Don't try to save me now
Let the walls of my world all burn down
Just stand back and wait 'til the smoke finally passes
And I will rise
From the ashes
From the ashes
From the ashes

For all that I'm losing 
Much more will I gain
The hard part is choosing 
To change what needs changed
My step will be much lighter
With these demons off my chest
I'm born a better spirit
And lay the old to rest

Repeat Chorus

I'll walk away stronger
I will be flyin' 
Higher and truer
Than I've flown before

My right hand holds matches
My left holds my past
I hope the wind catches
And burns it down fast

2-9
Concrete Angel
Martina McBride

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back
Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it'll be too late

Repeat Chorus

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Repeat Chorus

2-9
Reluctant Daughter
Martina McBride

Jesus, tell my Father
I want to be His child again
Tell Him what my name is
In case He's forgotten

Tell Him I'm the woman
At the well
Drawing water
And I'm sorry if I've been His
Reluctant daughter

Jesus, tell my angels
To keep me in their prayers
Remind them how I need
To feel them everywhere

Tell 'em I'm ready to drink
Living water
I don't want my angels to think
I'm His
Reluctant daughter

Jesus, tell my Father
I want to come to heaven
Tell Him to shout my name out
So I won't be forgotten

2-9
"Shield Of Faith"
Alison Krauss

Sometimes I'm battle weary
I forget to use my shield
The arrows pierce my armor
And I stumble in the filed

A shield won't do much good if it's hangin' by your side
Keep the shield of faith before you if you want to stay alive

I'll think my life is over
But the Lord he comes to me
He heals my wounded spirit
And he sets me on my feet

A shield won't do much good if it's hangin' by your side
Keep the shield of faith before you if you want to stay alive

Sometimes your battle weary
But the war's already won
Keep your head and hold your shield high
'Til your days of life are done

A shield won't do much good if it's hangin' by your side
Keep the shield of faith before you if you want to stay alive

Keep the shield of faith before you if you want to stay alive

2-9
Feeling good still! Got a little bit of sleep last night. I'm rearing to go this morning- working on a project, had quick meeting with prof, will meet again with her later as well. Then I have two kiddo's to do therapy with and then an update meeting with a third- busy day!!! Then it's time for STUDYING! Have a test tomorrow morning...may do all nighter for this one....I really need a good grade on it, to make up for a few things I've already done this semester.

But it's all good! And at the end of the week, my boyfriend is coming for a visit- I am so excited, he'll be here from Friday evening until Monday! And get to meet so many of the important people in my life. So I'm VERY excited about that.

So it's all good :-)

2-9...midnight
Still in the glorious mood and mind set of below. I got about two hours sleep last night and I felt WONDERFUL the next day (Sunday)...I felt some of my creativity return, which really helped the kid I was working with...See what I've been missing!!!!!!!!!!!

I am playing with fire I think...and it is so God-damned enticing. Do I feel in control...I'm not so sure...but at the same time, I don't care. I want to be released from the shackles that have consumed me...me trying to fit into a freakin' normal world. It's not fucking working. The hours I keep do not want to conform with the rest of the world.

And I feel like a freakin' zombie medicated. I just always feel like there is something missing! I figured out what- a SPARK...a spark of freakin' life. I want that back, I want to experience life again...I want my high's back, I want fast talking, fast thinking, creative, hyper Erin back. I want her back so badly. Just don't want what comes after- perhaps this time I could tame that? Surely I could- I've seen the worst of it.

But I want the fire back inside me...that is what has been missing...and I want it back damnit.

2-8
Wow last night I realized one thing. When there's no meds my night time hallucinations appear again- I've had them since I was in my teens and they went away for a substantial amount of time (thank goodness...they are a nightmare), but they returned again last night- what the fuck? I was annoyed to say the least, scared to say the least. But luckily I got a good two hours of sleep despite it all!!

On to working with my kiddo for the remainder of the weekend! Wish me luck!

2-8
Felt I should add to this, since I'm on a rant/rave tonight.

2-7
I hate medication. I probably shouldn't post this...but at the moment, the only thing going through my head: