2-12
WTF…no concentrating, everything happening at once. Why does life keep doing this to me. Come on, can’t I get my feet under me just this once! So on with my car saga- car was towed the other day (I sorta created my own spot for about two hours why I went to class- but really two hours- I should have just gotten a ticket) Anyway, so it was towed and I was a mess. It was awful…and I had to work with my boss that day…ugh, we vented to each other the entire way to one of my kids’ homes. We are a pair.
And so I am worked up by the time I get home. I call the cops, they tell me where they towed it. At first I called the place and I thought they said it would be four hundred to get it- however, being upset, that was not the case…it was forty. Also, I had a HUGE test to take this morning, but I am so freakin’ worked up about the car and just everything. About a half hour before the test, one of my prof’s takes me to get my car and I get back with about ten minutes to spare and I try to study. Notice the word try. I finally get in to take the test (side note: I get extended test time and distraction reduced testing site- meaning I take the test in a room by myself)…so I have a little panic attack for the first twenty minutes…and then about an hour into the test I can finally calm down enough to take it…I think I do an okay job.
So here I am now trying to study, for another BIG test tomorrow….and I can’t concentrate for anything. My mind will not focus at all. It’s driving me nuts. I feel like I have felt before…life gets a little out of control, my mind gets out of control, my feelings become difficult and my concentration goes out the window. I feel unorganized and that everything is getting away from me…I really want to just get it together, but I just can’t seem to. How annoying is that. We won’t even venture into the thoughts I am having…a lot. Fun times let me tell you. So if I don’t seem like I am around much, it’s because I can’t concentrate on anything longer than a few minutes, my work schedule is nutty, cuz, well I’m nuts. I have to go visit my boyfriend at a different college this weekend…which means driving over mountains…however that might not happen because it will be a wintry mix and freezing rain, so it’s a little stressful between us (besides the fact that I am on the downside of things). And that’s just the surface of my problems…I just am not in the mood to go into the full details of every crappy thing that is going on currently in my life. Just too much at once, and I don’t have the mental energy to think/talk about it more. It’s just hard.
I hope everyone else is doing alright and hopefully will get to talk to ya’ll soon. Take care of yourselves!

2-6
Ya know the normalcy I have been wanting for so long- well it’s totally not here…I feel out of control almost. Like I am at the edge of sanity, trying my best to not go over. Some days I do feel fine, but then there are days…days where I wish all this shit would just stop. I just want to find peace within myself…but it is just something that keeps alluding me. Like I thought I was finally feeling happy this week etc…but no, all of the sudden I get catapulted down again…although its not really down. It’s like I am very hyper, very awake, aware etc, spending more money than usual, more social, getting more work done, BUT at the SAME time I am now feeling somewhat depressed! What is that about. How can I feel good and bad at the same time…I don’t quite understand it. I am also very very agitated (don’t piss me off lol)…trouble sleeping again and of course lack of appetite. How can all of these contradictory emotions rage around me!?!? Again, I feel a little slipping…yuck first time I’ve acknowledged this. It’s a rough thing to admit, especially since I have been doing so well. I just want this madness to stop. That is what if feels like- madness. I can’t get my thoughts to slow down, they jump from one subject to the next, and I’m talking too fast…but I’m agitated and feeling somewhat depressed at the same time. The urge to want to cut has been HUGE. I am worried…last night I slept with a box of blades…I didn’t take the blades out at all or anything. But it scares because first I hardly had any urges…then slowly I thought about cutting more, then I felt the urges come on, now I’m sleeping with a box of blades…you can see where this is going. I just feel the need to do something to myself…I don’t understand this need. I have read a lot of books, I’ve researched and accumulated information. But there are still some things that allude my grasp. This is one of them. I don’t understand why I can’t stabilize myself, I don’t understand why I want to hurt myself. I don’t understand why I don’t think I’m worth anything. As you can see, I don’t understand a lot of things.
All of this is a very odd feeling to me. It’s like I can stand outside myself and see what is wrong, but I can’t stop things from happening! I am still an emotional wreck. I can see myself slipping, but I have much trouble stopping the fall! Granted I have a kickass therapist who is helping, and hopefully soon a better psychiatrist…but still. I just want my mind to be at peace. No suicidal thoughts, no urges, no thinking I’m worthless, no racing thoughts, no thinking I’m perfectly fine thoughts- I just want NORMAL thoughts! Wouldn’t that be nice for a change.
I feel different, and I know this feeling all to well. I am falling. So now, how do I stop.

2-3
Hurting…I hurt so bad its not even funny. Psychology has another good aspect to studying it. I really do learn a lot about myself. The other day in one of my psych classes we talked about how opposites are really pretty close together relationship wise. The whole ‘the opposite of love is not hate but indifference’. So I tried to be indifferent to my father but that is just not true…I hate him. Which means I also have the capacity to love him. Which that just sucks! A lot of people want me to get in touch with him again. But I propose this question: why put myself in the position to be hurt again, to have rejection, to be abandoned? I’m not dumb. I have had enough hurt in my life, don’t you think? I have tried very long and hard to not be able to get hurt again…so why would I open myself up to that again. It’s hard saying you were hurt, several times over. First by my fathers parents and siblings, then by my mothers siblings. There is a lot of hurt and abandonment. Even my mom…after the divorce, she abandoned me as a mother, I was forced to take on her confident role, even though my step dad was there. I knew too much, was told too much at such a young age. And then I lost him (my father)…but eventually I gained my brother…and then lost him again. That’s all its been, gain and lose, gain and lose. Why would I want to put myself in that position again. Who would put themselves in a position to be hurt? I can’t go through that again, I just can’t.

It is very hard for me to confront the feelings associated with my father…its like there is so much ‘stuff,’ that I’m not capable of dealing with…too much crap…ugh. And I don’t know what exactly the cause is- but I feel like cutting WAY more than normal…I’ve come to the point where I’ve almost done it. Thank God I have a roommate! And will power to say no. This stinks. It really does.

Some days it is just a real big struggle…I know you guys know what it is like. I am even having trouble putting it into words. I haven’t been able to write in such a long time, its really beginning to bother me. Writing has been a big outlet for me always. Sometimes I feel lost without it, its something I loved doing. I don’t know, maybe its that I’m busy all the time, school/work etc and just don’t have that kind of mental energy anymore. I don’t even know what to write really. As you can tell I’m just kind of floundering around and not really making sense. Maybe its b/c its in the wee hours of the morning and I’m hyper and can’t keep my thoughts together. I really don’t know why I keep writing…ugh.

I think perhaps I am rambling on because I am having an urge currently and am trying to work through it. It’s rough just sitting here, taking the mental abuse…my thoughts tormenting me…taunting me to do it. The want being so great… the line b/w want and need used to be so blurred, but then of course very black and white…well now its being blurred again…I hate that. Cutting is a choice, but what makes it hard is when you can’t tell the difference b/w a want and a need. I fear this may be one of those nights I sleep with a razor but do not cross the line :-/ Weird I know, and a lot of cutters can’t do that…but its like I’m reaffirming my strength in not cutting, to come so close and still not doing it.