1-19 1-14 Does this pain ever end? Heaven hear my prayer, This constant battle in my mind, Someone please hear my silent screams; I must be free from this gleaming gray Leaving me frightened, "Dear Diary"
Dear, dear
diary, I want to tell my secrets 1-7 Family Portrait" Momma please stop cryin, I can't
stand the sound
Febuary Rants
What to write? A lot of thoughts have been flying through my mind. I’ve had
a lot of time for reflection. Well…not a lot- I was helping with some training
this weekend for the organization I work for. Well I’ll go for one of my larger
thoughts.
I’ve noticed a very weird occurrence with me. I have like this internal dialogue
that is completely different from what I may say or do. Like I can be talking
to someone, but its like I am standing outside of myself watching. Completely
separated from myself. It’s so weird! It happened today when I was on the phone
with someone. I was talking to them, but it was like ‘I’ was not really doing
the talking, I was outside myself thinking totally different thoughts and whatnot.
I don’t even sound like me when that happens. Geez, it’s the oddest thing. The
outside me and the inside me are separate, almost totally. And I’m pretty sure
that is not the best way to be.
Next thought: my defenses. I am so well defended, that somehow I am able to
hide ‘me’ from me if that makes any sense. Like I try to think deep down, access
previous feelings off limits and I can’t do it. I mean I really can’t. There’s
like this wall that is standing between me and my inner thoughts. I can’t for
the life of me get through. And again, there is this inner dialogue that is
always going. Like I’ve told people in the past, my body may be tired etc, ready
for sleep…but my mind is wide awake and stays awake. And, I am afraid of the
night. Well not really afraid of the night, but just what happens, if I don’t
take Ambien to help. If I don’t, then that means I will go to bed thinking,
taking longer to fall asleep. And my night thoughts are normally my foe. I hate
them, they are never good. And I have too many flashbacks of the ‘dark’ time
in my life. I don’t want to revisit that. So I like to fall straight asleep
when its time with no thoughts.
What else? Oh yeah- can someone PLEASE tell me how to cry?! I can’t do it…I
saw a sad, though uplifting, movie this weekend and I was prolly the only dry
eye in there etc. Ugh! It didn’t used to bother me so much, but now that I am
aware of it and everyone else seems to be able to do it. Kinda then gets annoying,
ya know? Also, I’m guessing its another way I can express my emotions. Because
right now I’d like nothing more than to cut. It’s the first time in a long while
that the want has been this big. Like I really, really want to do it. So bad
its almost like my arms are aching for it. But of course I refrain from doing
so. If I were to travel down that road…well lets just say its not a pretty road
to take. But boy is this hard. Thank god I get extremely busy starting next
week!
Okay this is getting hard. Also, previously when I’ve read things on self injury
or dark things etc, I wouldn’t be triggered, but tonight I am getting triggered,
at least the want is intensified.
Ya know, sometimes I wonder where my body gets all its energy…I mean really-
I go to school, work a bunch of hours (which is physically/emotionally draining)
and I have a constant battle raged within my head. I don’t know how I keep up.
Then again, my body could just be pretending to keep up, but inside its bone
tired. I’m good at that.
Anyway, I talked to my mom tonight. She wants to get to know ‘me’ as an adult.
Where we don’t just talk about my little bro’s etc. An attempt I guess at trying
to get to know me. But that will never happen. If she were to know what I really
thought, she wouldn’t want to know me very much. And really, she understands
nothing about depression, self injury, suicidal thoughts etc. Those thoughts
are a lot of what consume me. I don’t even tell my boyfriend what I am thinking
most the time. I can be in a completely serene moment and suddenly get flashes
of me cutting myself or bad thoughts etc. Not what most people want to hear.
Especially my mom. Besides, who wants to shatter the image she has of me, or
what I keep up. Today she was telling me how much everyone in our community
comments on me etc. (good things!) and how I have touched so many people’s (especially
kids in our comm..) lives…and still young to have done so etc. But the thought
that was running through my head was…then why aren’t I good enough for you.
I mean she tells me how much she loves me blah blah blah and how proud she is
etc etc…but when she says those things to me, they just seem empty. I mean she
says them with emotion etc…but my feelings when she says them is that of emptiness.
No other way to really describe it. So my question is why? Why do I get that
feeling when she says those things? Why do I never feel good enough? That…that
is what forever haunts me. Yet at the same thing it is what drives me. I can
always do better.
And so I am here. Thinking one thing, and acting another way, being a different
way on the outside. Yet, I want to say some things so badly…but I can’t. I can’t
even get it out in therapy…so many times its just like my mind goes blank when
I’m in there…there is no more internal dialogue…just laughing, smiling, avoiding
and just not sure what to think/do…but the minute I leave the room it returns.
It’s quite annoying…not fun to be a jackass in therapy. Oh well.
That’s about all I can say for now. I’m just tired, worn down. I will be safe
tonight, hopefully…a friend is coming over. So I hope you guys are doing well
and talk to you later. Take care.
Empty
Feeling empty inside
Rushing to find myself
Before she disappears
She can run, but she cannot hide
It’s so hard to see
Past the fog, past the chaos
That reigns free in my mind
Striving to release the real me
Will this madness ever end
Or forever shall I bear this burden
My debt never paid
Hoping I won’t break, I yet again bend
I’ve been to Hell and back
But the struggle lies not with in the fall
But the rising ever so tall
While praying its hope I never lack
Step by step, day by day
A piece of me gets rebuilt
Until again I’m made whole
And able to find my own way
Along this way I’ve lost myself again
So try to keep it together
Pull myself back on track
And once again begin to mend
1-18
If ever a movie has moved me, its the new movie Antwone Fisher. Wow. I found
myself in that movie in some many ways, so many levels. I can't go into it tonight,
I need to go to bed, but I am leaving you with a poem from the movie...one that
struck right down to my soul and its truth is out for all to see.
Who will cry for the little boy,
Lost and all alone?
Who will cry for the little boy,
Abandoned without his own?
Who will cry for the little boy?
He cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He never had for keeps.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He walked the burning sand.
Who will cry for the little boy?
The boy inside the man.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Who knows well hurt and pain.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He died and died again.
Who will cry for the little boy?
A good boy he tried to be.
Who will cry for the little boy,
Who cries inside of me?
More powerful than words I could ever write. This one is also very apt for the
moment:
She Won't Cry
You see the pain that lies in her eyes,
But, alas, her eyes are dry,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.
You see the anger that burns from her gaze,
The madness that sets her eyes ablaze,
She won't cry. No, she won't cry.
You see the fear that closes her eyes,
The smile she wears is but a disguise,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.
You see the hope that is finally dead,
She cannot trust for her heart has been bled,
She won't cry. No, she won't cry.
You see the love that lies within,
But she shall never love again,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.
You see death's hand that has glazed her eyes,
No one saw her die inside,
They won't cry.
No, they won't cry.
I will try to post something tomorrow about the thoughts swirling through out
my head...so maybe tomorrow night. Hope everyone has a great day. Take care.
Man, what a looooong day. Maybe I should just leave it at that lol. I had therapy
and then work the rest of the day as well as moving myself in. So that makes
for a long day. And therapy…was rough this morning, so it meant for an even
longer day. Lucky for me, when I’m working with the kids, I can solely concentrate
on them, but for my car rides…it makes for long car rides…and a lonely dorm
room (I’m one of the few back already). My defenses are notably sky high again.
It stinks, I can’t begin to tell you. And apparently I’m pretty well defended…which
I guess could give rise to the notion that I’m pretty wounded inside. Very wounded.
I do not like that…at all. Saying that…in the open…really gets me down…it gets
me sad. I’ve defended myself for so long…gotten so good at it, what am I, if
not just this guarded person no one gets to know. And- what have I got to be
so wounded about. So my childhood wasn’t the best- plenty have had it much worse…so
I do not speak to my biological father…lots of people don’t. So I don’t have
the best relationship with my mom- lots of people don’t. What gives me the right
to feel so wounded? Or have I just been so guarded for so long that I just don’t
even know what hurts anymore…or what can hurt. I protect myself so I can’t get
hurt…so I don’t feel sad. I act peachy-keen around my mom so she doesn’t think
I am screwed up, so she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong- because heaven
forbid she do anything wrong. So I lock myself up inside…in my world, it’s the
safest place to be.
So now I sit here…just wondering what could be so bad as to warrant these kinds
of defenses, this kind of wound. And around and around I go with myself. I have
myself so locked up, even I don’t know how to get to some of these places…so
how do I ever get better if I don’t even have the keys to my mind, my heart.
Man, I hate feeling this way…on the verge of tears, but unable to cry. Really,
I can’t. I try, I really do try, but I can’t. So I sit here, feeling this way…not
feeling very happy at all. But hey, that is my life after-all. Seemingly so
very happy…inside so very not happy, empty really.
Alone with my thoughts, no one around, or even close by…my smile is wiped off
my face, my face rather gaunt, war-torn. Eyes a little red, but nothing flowing.
My mouth tightly drawn. And my thoughts run freely to my hands to this screen.
So why can’t I do this in therapy. Where suddenly I am smiling non-stop- literally…I’m
laughing and EXTREMELY fidgety. I can’t keep my thoughts straight, I can’t answer
anything straight up, my mind is constantly trying to find good answers, but
not deep answers. It does not know how to offer anything up freely. All the
while this is going on, I’m desperately trying to break free, trying to open
up and get the hell out of all this. But no, I’m slammed down again and again
with an inability to get through. My defenses take over and rule me. It wants
to wall in whatever it is that lies in my mind, in my heart. Afraid for it to
be let out. But what is ‘it’? What can’t be let out. I don’t understand. In
fact, I really don’t understand me at all.
Well, I can certainly see this is going to be a long night. My intense need
to cut is much larger tonight than it ever was at home. I’ve been pushed, I’ve
pushed myself, will I pay the price? Are my defenses alerting me that I’m getting
to close to breaking it all down? Will I cut to make sure I don’t go there?
I probably won’t knowing me. I really have come too far to let that slip. That
would send me spiraling downward again…wondering if I’d make it back again.
But damn, that want is hard to resist. But it can be done. I will do it. Night
all, I can’t take this sitting here any longer, time for the thoughts to stop
and sleep to come (via ambient…)
When does my heart begin to mend?
Forever lead astray,
Wishing I’d find a place to stay.
I lay my soul to bare,
Wishing to be free,
Wishing I could just be.
In me will forever bind
My life to this never-ending pain,
Chaining me to this life so insane.
Seeing freedom only in my dreams
Makes me pray for a better day,
Where light shines my way.
Forever stained with the darker days.
I’ve worn my pain upon the flesh;
Pain and freedom have begun to mesh.
Wondering how far I can bend.
Is that the breaking point I see?
Or what’s become the life of me?
Security left behind in the past,
Madness closing in fast,
I close my eyes one last time:
Tell me, is freedom a crime?
1-7
I found a few more songs that struck me that I will put here at the bottom of
this quick rant. I have definitely got to not write anything when I am on Ambien…which
for parts of the last rant I was lol. Couldn’t sleep, went to bed around 3:30
or so…even with Ambien (for those that don’t know- its sleep medication) I have
been good with my meds lately, not skipping…which is way good, considering I
was probably off them for about two weeks or more. Not a good thing. Today is
an okay day- I get to meet up with a friend, see my guidance counselor from
high school, run some errands etc. Still pretty somber at my house with my Dad’s
friend extremely sick. We’ll see how that goes.
Really not much to say, I’m pretty neutral right now. So I will catch you all
later…enjoy the lyrics.
Cuz you're the only one that I know who'll keep them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I know you'll keep them, and this is what I've done
I've been a bad, bad girl for so long
I don't know how to change what went wrong
Daddy's little girl when he went away
What did it teach me? That love leaves
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you're the only one that I know who'll keep them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I know you'll keep them, and this is what I've done
I've been down every road you could go
I made some bad choices as you know
Seems I have the whole world cradled in my hands
But its just like me not to understand
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you're the only one that I know who'll keep them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I've been a bad, bad girl
I learned my lessons
I turned myself around
I've got a guardian angel tattooed on my shoulder
She's been watching over me
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you're the only one that I know who'll keep them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secret
I've been a bad, bad girl
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you're the only one that I know who'll keep them
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been a bad, bad girl
"Lonely Girl"
(feat. Linda Perry)
I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize
Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again
Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try
I'm lookin' for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin' is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem
Do you even know who you are?
I'm still tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No
Sorry girl, tell a tale for me
Cuz I'm wondering how you really feel
I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you
Cuz I'm just tryin' to make all my dreams come true
Do you even know who you are?
Oh, yeah, yeah
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Oh, I wanted to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, oh I guess not
Do you even know who you are?
Oh, I'm tryin' to find
A rising dream or a superstar?
Oh, I have a all these dreams
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No, no
Do you even know what you are?
A rising dream or a fallen star?
Is life good to you or is it bad?
"My Vietnam"
Daddy was a soldier he taught me about freedom
Peace and all the great things that we take advantage of
Once I fed the homeless, I'll never forget
I look upon thier faces as I treated them with respect
And
This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score
Momma was a lunitic, she liked to push my buttons
She said I wasn't good enough, but I guess I wasn't trying
Never like school that much, they tried to teach me better
But I just wasn't hearing it because I thought I was already pretty clever
And
This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
They keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score
This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
They keep on dropping bombs
And I keep score
What do you expect from me?
What am I not giving you?
What could I do for you to make me OK in your eyes?
This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
They keep on dropping bombs
And I keep score
This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score
This is my Vietnam
This is my Vietnam
These are all Pink songs by the way if you couldn’t tell. Take care all.
Well, I figured out one thing tonight: I don’t deal with death well…at all…in
fact I run away as fast as I can. My step father’s best friend may die soon-
he is extremely sick, which I just found out tonight…and I just couldn’t deal
with it. I know him also…I don’t know, when all this came down, I felt like
running far away from it all…couldn’t really comfort anyone…I use humor when
stuff happens, and I know when people are sad they don’t appreciate my humor…so
I don’t know what to do. I guess it all goes back to me not being able to deal
with grief and sadness. This has gotten me down a bit too. And of course, no
real outlet to express myself…well to another person.
Ya know, it takes a lot of my strength to keep everything in, not really having
an outlet to talk things over. Gets tiring after a while. And I am definitely
tired of fighting. Thank God I return to campus next week…I honestly don’t think
I could last another week at home…without cutting or something. It has reached
that point…at least I know my limits.
Well, I wasn’t as big of a jackass in therapy today. Was more open, but still
a little off. There are still a few things I would do anything to avoid. Ugh,
I just feel kinda blah down, ya know?
Anyway…I REALLY want to thank those that were in chat tonight, I had so much
fun! I’m so glad we got together and all talked. Definitly have to do it more
often you guys! I hope you all had good nights…who knows how mine will go…talk
to you all later. Take care.
P.S. I am leaving ya’ll with a song that really struck me:
Uh, uh, some deep shit, uh, uh
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said
You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you'll see
I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't leave
Daddy please stop yellin, I can't stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too
I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away
Don't wanna go back to that place, but don't have
no choice, no way
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I've seen
I don't want love to destroy me like it did my
family
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't leave
In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes
naturally I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a step-brother anyways
And I don't want my mom to have to change her
last name
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
(I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
Let's play pretend act and like it comes so naturally
(I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't leave)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
(I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't leave)
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Turn around please
Remember that the night you left you took my
shining star?
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Don't leave us here alone
Mom will be nicer
I'll be so much better, I'll tell my brother
Oh, I won't spill the milk at dinner
I'll be so much better, I'll do everything right
I'll be your little girl forever
I'll go to sleep at night
January Rants
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February Rants
January Rants
Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
November Rants
