SEPTEMBER RANTS 2003

9-29
Alright- more people in my corner. A psychiatrist who actually listens to his patient- who would have thought! I've started 1000mg of Depakote and he is thinking Bipolar. I don't particularly like labels- basically, I am going to fix having all of these up's and down's and find a balance in my life. What a balance is, I don't know?! I have a feeling I might have some bad reactions to perhaps being "normal" for once. Honestly, I am used to being able to do so much and accomplish so much...and on the flip side, I'm used to dealing with Depression. However, as the years have gone by, each depression is getting worse. I don't know how many more of those I could survive without a suicide attempt or completion. This last time was scary, as I had planned it once again, even wrote out my suicide letters. I couldn't even do daily functions such as cleaning, laundry, shower- nothing. Scary times.

But now, I am getting my head screwed on straight. I'm looking forward to the day when my high's aren't so high and my low's aren't so low. Part of me is picturing my future- being able to get up in the morning- daily plan in hand- get up, shower, finish hw, go to class, go to work, take some for organizing or laundry or something, then settle in for hw. Then weekends, filled with spending time downtown, the river, parks, the book store.

And increasingly, right now, I find myself wanting to do things alone. I think I want to find myself. In the past- I have generally been quite a socialable person, but recent events have had me hold up. I want to "know" myself. Who am I alone? And I pick and choose my friends carefully these days- trust is just such a big issue with me and it's actually grown harder to trust people. And- with all of my mental health issues right now, I'd like to wait on picking up more friends until I have that under control- it's too much to be going through all of that and trying to begin new relationships. I need to be stable first.

And stability is what I'm hoping to find. I just want myself to be stable. I want to know what my "normal" is...I don't think I have a clear sense of what that is- or even what I'm capable of. That is what I am looking forward to. What am I when I'm not suicidally depressed and not super duper high on life? Hell- what is it to be organized in life!!!?? That is one battle I've got to win at some point. I need to get my mind focused and organized, because currently it is just pretty much in chaos.

Anyway- so those are my thoughts for the night. It will be interesting to see how the next couple days and weeks play out- let's hope for the best. Hope- probably the strongest component to me. Even while planning my suicide, I think a smidgen of hope still remained- otherwise, I'd be dead. I sincerely hope that the "hope" does not get so small again...it's in danger of disappearing all together.

But I think I am going to keep it together...I am trying and fighting...I never give up...especially not without a good fight. And I'm in a fighting mood- it's my nature, what can I say. A survivor- just keep going. Just gotta keep going. Well that's it for the rants- night all!


9-29
Finally feeling validated…what a life saver. For three long years I’ve been at the mercy of doctors and counselors who would not listen to me. No Erin, you are just depressed, that’s all. Here, try another anti-depressant, it will make you feel better. Here, go into the hospital for a little “rest” and get your feet back under you. Blah, blah, blah. Every depression is a crushing one, every depression is suicidal, every year depression comes back. And then there are those times I feel invincible. The times where I do anything and everything. The times where I accomplish ten times the amount of a normal person. The times that make my depression that much worse. The times where I have delusions, I have way more energy than normal and I don’t sleep.

I do go up and down, I know it, and have known it. I see it so clearly, and even have a timeline now that leaves no doubt. No doubt at all. And finally, FINALLY someone believes me. I don’t think I could thank my prof enough for the gift she gave me yesterday, just by saying I believe you and have believed you.

This last depression of mine was bad…the worst yet…and I can’t help but believe that I won’t continue to make it out of these depressions without a suicide attempt. And then the fact that I can feel so damn good the rest of the time and do so much. I can’t take it much more going between the two- something needs to give…no one can live cycling through a crushing depression and then to be larger than life.

But someone believes me, and that gives me the strength to do what I need to do- be my own advocate, show them what I have known for years, prove that I live with this demon and no anti-depressant (I mean really- four anti-d’s later and here I am) or hospital visit (hmm, five hospital visits later and here I am) is going to fix this. I’m ready to buck up and do what I need to do to live.

9-26
Road trip anyone? I wonder how far I can drive in one night? I am tired of sitting around doing nothing right now. Since I lost all of my freakin friends when I was depressed and suicidal...I dont' have much to do...so I am off...I wanna see how many miles I can drive from now until tomorrow.

Or, maybe I will get drunk for the first time...I've been wondering about that, maybe its time I tried it.

Later all.

9-26
Okay- who wants a new brain? Mine is currently up for auction to the highest bidder. :-) Seriously...who wants it- because I don't!!!

Today is another day...another day of me talking a lot...poor people who I have called today lol...and the people who talk to me on instant messenger...can't tell you how many times I've heard "STOP typing Erin, let me read and respond first!) because I tend to just keep talking as I think etc and there is like twenty messages from me to everyone's one message. Can't help it though! Too bad my job was cancelled for tonight! Now what am I going to do with my energy...rollerblading has just made me even more pumped up.

I was talking to one of the mom's I work for and she commented on how after I do a two hours session with her son (who weighs a lot and I do a lot of physical play), that I am even more hyper than where I began, whereas the other therapists are gasping for breath. I thought that was funny hehe.

So why am I ranting up here right now...because I've called everyone I know to talk to and no one is online right now, so I've got to talk somehow! So lucky website. So now I'm trying to figure out what I want to say. I'm a little cautious...don't want to say anything that will make me sound nuts, but man, the thoughts going through my head...phew- am I thinking creatively and looking at the "big picture". I love these moments...I get the best idea's and as long as I implement them soon, I'm good to go!

I am so glad I have work to do this weekend...get rid of my energy (though knowing me, it will have the opposite effect).

Oh and I was thinking- damn, look at my earlier posts from this week...can we say "depressed"...I was going to commit suicide next week...obviously that is not on tap anymore...I'm better now lol.

Man- I have the dumbest songs stuck in my head right now- lucky for you all, I can't sing lol.

Oh well, guess I outta find something to do or write about- later all!

9-26
Note to self: When in a VERY elevated mood- don't post on own website- very dumb lol. Second note to self: When not taking medication- don't say anything :-) oops! Third note to self: Took every bit of medication today...only skipped one day, go me.

Finally note to self: AM VERY HYPER still...thoughts are still racing, I can't sit still, I am typing a ton. Um yeah...that about covers it :-)

9-25
Somebody stop my fuckin mind…besides being super de duper hyper, my freakin mind is racing like it’s on nascar. But now not just good thoughts are going through, but bad ones too…omg…how do you stop your head from swimming in thoughts, how do I get my foot to stop shaking and get my hands to stay still. And how in the world do I get my head to stop spinning long enough for me to hang onto a thought!!

I feel as though I can walk on water right now, but at the same time I’m telling myself I need to go pick up a razor and have fun? WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

Well, here comes another hundred thoughts racing by…not to mention the stupid freakin idea’s I’ve gotten…at least I’m creative! I’m sure I’m about to commit myself to a hundred things and then not be able to do it…but hell, I feel like doing tons of stuff, I’m going to do them. Alright, I’m out to do more work!

9-25
I feel fucking HYPER right now!!! Wahoo...My mind is racing, my fingers can hardly keep up (and let me tell you- that rarely happens!) I feel so freakin high- for no reason at all...this is great!!! High on life lol. I love this mood- it's also the time when I get the most accomplished...let's see, I did major updates to my message board, some to my website...done my rounds of a thousand emails and its not even late yet! Hell yeah! I can do anything right now...let's see today...I had to give a battery of tests to a child, meetings, classes, dinner/talk, emails, everything! Can't wait for tomorrow- I have tons to do and this weekend as well. More work is good work....ugh, can't keep my thoughts straight now...freakin going to fast...anyone know how to stop them? Then again, this is when I am my most productive and creative, better get a shit load done while I can. I'm outta here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9-25
I slipped and began my decent off the cliff…only to be strongly yanked back…back to the world of the living. Death has consumed my life, consumed my mind, and consumed my body.

Yeah, I chose to die…the choice was before me last week, and it was then that I had made my decision. Next week was the time, I had a method, and I had my letters written…I had it all in order. Only thing to do was wait for my time to come. I’m glad I had time to wait.

I have been living with the most violent thoughts in my head…some of which are displayed in the rants below. It was ugly…and it tormented me every day and every night. Death constantly on my mind, preparations being made, all the while I’m trying to drown out plea’s to save my life. From support groups at day treatment, support groups online, to my best friend checking in on me, telling me that he can’t lose me, to a prof promising to have enough will to make me live, to a counselor showing how much she cares.

I told myself that I didn’t care. I told myself that nothing would matter, as long as I’m dead. It wouldn’t matter that I would never hear one of the kids I work with speak, it wouldn’t matter if my brothers grew up without a sister, it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t matter who I would hurt. I told myself lies, and believed them.

The last week or two has been pure hell. I made the decision to kill myself, without even really realizing I had made the decision. And so I sat wondering why I couldn’t get stuff through my head, why I wouldn’t fight for myself, why I couldn’t fight anymore. Until then I realized…I had already made the choice in my head…I just hadn’t said it out loud until two nights ago. I just said it, “I want to die, I want to kill myself.” And then I knew the choice had been made…had been made a while ago.

And so, up until about 1:00 yesterday, I thought I was going to die. I thought, this is it...my final resting place.

But that was before I met my match, before I talked to the only person, besides my guidance counselor from high school, that could talk me out of my decision. And now…now my mind is in an all out war. My fighting side has declared war on the dark side. Which side will win? I haven’t determined that yet.

But this morning, I’m fed, I’m showered, I’m dressed and am facing the day. Razors are thrown out, medication taken. Well almost all of my medication. As a little self test for myself, I am going off Effexor for two days, see how my mood is, then tomorrow I am going to start taking it again and see how my mood is. I am leery of meds, so I figure I’d do an early test.

But anyway…so here I am…I am battling somewhat…I am fighting…trying to really give myself the will to live. Do I have it yet? Probably not, but at least I’m not taking this lying down.

I went to the edge, began to fall…but was pulled back…now I look down, but turn and look back to what I’d miss. Ready, set…fight.

9-24
Live, live, live…Die, die, die. What a fucking choice. Alright, I’m laying it out. I want to fucking cry…please, I just want to cry. I’ve never wanted something so bad in my life. That’s all I want. Just a good, long cry. I don’t care if I fucking cry the rest of my life, everyday…as long as I cry. I want to take down every wall I’ve ever erected. I want to cast out depression for ever more. I want to be “normal.” I want to forget these thoughts…I want to lose the scars. Forever, I will have to look at “die” carved into my arm. I want to take a fucking knife and make a mess of that. I want to be the girl who every one else seems to see. I want to be my extroverted self and have lots of friends. I want to be the life of the party. I want A’s and B’s instead of C’s and D’s. I want to be able to sit here and concentrate without a problem.

But above all else, I want to fucking cry.

Flip side- dying…suicide…murdering myself…taking my own life. However you want to put it. No more cares, my final ultimate selfish act. No more anything. No having to worry about tears coming, or who knows, as I’m having my last breath, perhaps I’ll finally cry. No more fighting the walls in my head. No more being the “successful” girl who has no friends, no life, bad grades and scarred arms. No more thoughts of suicide every single fucking day. No more depression every damned year. No more hospital. Sure, I could say all the things I’d be missing- but if I’m dead, then I wouldn’t miss them, now would I. That’s the great peaceful thing about death- it won’t matter once I’m dead. I will finally have peace…a release. I will get what I wanted for seven years.

So what do I do? Who the hell knows! God-damned the voice in my head…leave me the fuck alone.

I don’t know how to get happy again. I don’t know how to get the “will” to live. I don’t know how to get my strength back. People want me to live…well I have no fucking idea how to live anymore. I’m a poor excuse for a human being and I don’t deserve to live. I don’t have a life as it is. And of course, I hear this quote: "Death is not the most tragic loss in life. The most tragic loss is what dies inside of you while you’re still alive." I’ve already died inside…killing myself physically…well that would be icing on the cake, wouldn’t it. Inside I feel like a failure, a loss cause. I can’t battle this depression anymore. Look what it’s doing to me!!!! I shouldn’t feel worthless, I’m at my dream college, my dream job…though my grades suck, grad school may not be an option, but hey, there is always a plan B right? Well, what if I don’t want a plan B? What if I don’t want to hear my parents yell at me for failing, yell at me for things that happened for which they do not believe. Yell at me for having depression. Or spending my nights alone, no one to call, no one to chill with, because all my friendships have gone away. I hate that! What a lonely life to lead. Of me just always making up for what I’ve lost, whether it be grades, classes, friends, family, money, everything. I can’t get ahead.

Ah what the fuck am I talking about all of this for. Right now, in this moment, I do not have the will to live. I don’t…so it’s like what is the point of doing anything, when you have lost that will, that faith, the hope. What will save me now? Getting that will back. And I have to be the one to get it back. Talked to a prof today, she said she’d have enough will for me…just wish it worked that way.

So Erin’s mission this week- find a will to live. Without that, I’m screwed…without that… yeah, I won’t go there right now. Hope you guys have a better evening than me.

9-23
Choose life? Choose death? Inpatient? Outpatient? Semester off? Independence? What choices to make. But I am more concentrated on the bigger decision at hand: Live…or die? That decision impacts everything I do from here on out. Either I choose to live, no matter what, and make it through….or I choose to die and say the hell with it all. And I honestly do not know which to choose. Part of me wants to live for sure, as I’m still here, part of me says that years down the road I will be alright, successful etc. Part of me wants to show the strength and courage I have inside, just because I enjoy being a source of strength. Then, the bigger part of me doesn’t want to do anything.

The bigger part of me wishes to cease to exist just because I don’t want to live, I don’t want to make the journey, I don’t want to care about anything. What is the pain that I’m feeling? The pain of the fact that I was helpless as a child. But yeah sure I can get over that with time. How I don’t know, but I could, I think.

What I can’t stand right now is my head. All day long I hear voices telling me to die, yelling/screaming (though I can’t make it out sometimes). I tell them to shut up or go away or leave me alone, but constant they remain. The music stops and there they are, sitting quietly, they get louder. My head never shuts up! It constantly goes…how the hell do you live a life while inside something is telling you to die all the time. I’m telling you, it drives a person to insanity.

And so at the current moment I am just grasping, trying to figure out if I have any will left in my to live. Do I want to carry on my life? And as I think about that, god, my thoughts keep going to death and how peaceful it would be to just stop. Ahhhh, back and forth, back and forth. Help me, save me…no, no, no. Something’s got to give, what do I do? Do I carry on? Can I carry on? Or is death just too much of a good thing right now.

Black and white, everything’s black and white. Gotta get past that, gotta see plan b’s…semester off? Is it worth it? Inpatient? Is that worth it, will that relieve the suicidal thoughts? What will relieve them?

I’m scared, death is firmly planted in my brain, more than I thought. And with those thoughts raging throughout my head, how do I get the will to live? I don’t know, I just don’t know.

9-22
I’m at the edge again looking over. I’m at that point again…the point where I decide: Do I let the darkness consume me completely or do I make another stand. This is the closest I’ve been to deciding on the former…just letting go, giving in. Death equals peace in my mind. And so I’m looking over the edge and this time wanting to jump. Just let it consume, live in the darkness, die by the darkness…just give in, it’d be so much easier than fighting. I’m tired of fighting, so tired of fighting. At 13 I had my first serious suicidal thoughts. I should have killed myself then and saved myself the trouble of what I’ve gone through since then. It would have saved me the trouble of making that decision now.

I am so consumed with suicidal thoughts right now, it really is driving me insane. Plus hearing ‘the whisper’ saying “die Erin” literally all day does not fair well either, or anything else telling me how bad I am. My voice is enough, but I have to throw in a few others now. I can’t live with my head never quieting. I just can’t.

I have talked…I’ve talked about the abuse, and how I “feel” about it all. But everyone still seems to think there is one more wall in me, well I don’t f***ing know what could be left. I have bared my soul, I’ve spoken to several different people about it…yet here I am, wanting to end my life more than ever.

Suicide has never been more real than it is now. The only other time I remember being this serious is when I was 17 and had planned my suicide…had the crazy ass dream about dying. The thoughts consumed me then as well. But luckily I had a fight with someone that drove me to the breaking point before I was ready to commit the act.

And now…now I think the thoughts have been magnified. I can’t shut down my head. Hell, I’ve now have “die” scarred onto my forearm…who wants to live with that reminder? So here I am, praying for a miracle, though plans are being made in my head, suicide letters already written. A few more issues to clear up. And me, looking for some hope, so sliver of life, some flicker of light that will tell me things will be okay soon. Because, honestly, I cannot live another few weeks stuck this bad in the depression…I just can’t do it.

So these are my thoughts, love ‘em or hate ‘em…at this point, I’m beyond caring...night.

9-20
I want to take you all through my head. Here are my thoughts, this is what I live through each day.
I can’t feel…I feel anger…I feel fear- but I don’t feel sadness. When someone is gone, I am not sad…I might miss their company, but no I do not feel sadness. I think of lost time as a child and even now, and no I am not sad. I think of broken times and the wreck of my life and no I don’t feel sadness. I look at my scared arms and only feel anger. I sit at my laptop, pound out my thoughts…check messages a hundred times, write a hundred emails, do work etc.

The phone does not ring of someone my age, nor are there events on my calendar to do with friends. I’ve lost them all. I think of the kids I work with- they bring me so much joy, but even now sometimes it’s a chore to get to do therapy. Get me there and I’ll do it, but the thought sometimes I can’t get joy from.
I’ve left a mess of my schooling. A series of D’s, C’s, an F…few B’s thrown in there. Now I prepare for summer school for a class that seems insurmountable. I may not even graduate on time. I ask myself how I can even get into grad school with my sucky grades. I have the experience for sure, but ugh. Just my future feels somewhat fragile as I ponder whether I even want a future.

I feel cut off from my family, even my little brothers who I used to be so close with. My mom I definitely feel a split, I was never close to my step-father as it was. And of course my biological father just re-entered my life, so he’s still far away.
I feel cut off from people my own age, because right now I don’t have the energy or will or strength to do anything fun. Besides- I have no one to do them with. Work is good…one of the few things that bring me even a hint of happiness. I know I’m good at what I do, and few are at my level. When I’m “on,” I’m really on and nothing can touch me as I enter these kids’ worlds and get them to come out and play. Nothing more special on Earth.

Nighttime…a.k.a. Hell on Earth. The thoughts that remained partially hidden throughout the day come out to play. Deep down I hear the whisper “die Erin” a lot…rarely is it above a whisper, but I hear it all right. Then I hear my own voice…telling me it’s tired…I am tired. I’ve come out with the abuse…I’ve talked about it…it’s no longer a secret. Not much in my head is a secret anymore. But the talking hasn’t released me, hasn’t given me peace. First, I know deep down in my heart, my family and I need to have weekly therapy session for like a year to get through all the “crud” that has built up. But that will never happen, as my mom does not believe in talk therapy. So I am forced to become the healed one who cannot let her demons go, because every time I come into contact with them, I’m reminded.

And so I wonder what’s the point any more? I don’t have a will to live. I don’t think I will stop this depression that comes back every single year. Yeah sure, maybe I’ll get well in a few weeks…but six months, a year from now…there is almost no doubt to the fact that I will be down again. I really don’t see how I will pull out of this. Day Treatment for what, eight days? My therapist for a year now. And yet here I am, as dead inside as ever.
And now I feel a release…a peace coming soon. Death is becoming a major idea in my head. The thought of just not existing any longer brings me peace, just because I can’t stand to wake up in the morning to face the whisper and to face myself. I’m tired of the voice telling to die and other things. I can’t stand it anymore, which is why I let it out now. I can’t quiet it!
And then there is my own voice, the one fighting, the one sometimes losing, the one that gets tired. And right now I’m tired.
So suicide is what my thought is now. Just to release me, just to have peace. I just want to be left alone. Please, I just want to be left alone in peace.

The Whisper
Deep down inside,
I hear it’s bidding,
Its message I can’t escape,
No matter how much I’ve tired.

The whisper lies below,
Never loud, never quiet-
It stays constant,
Forever my foe.

‘Die Erin’ is its call,
Beckoning deep within,
Making me slowly mad-
Leading to a fall.

Perhaps the last secret to let go,
I know this voice inside
Cannot be me, cannot reside with me,
And its strength does grow.

I become weaker, as it matures,
I wonder what others will think,
I wonder if this is real-
I suddenly feel insecure.

Its thoughts lead me down,
I don’t know how to escape-
How to shut it down,
Before I begin to drown.

This voice never deters,
It brings me to this suicide-
I’m losing my will,
To fight this whisper.

9-19 (again)
Below is a poem I wrote a while back…but it seems to convey how I feel right now. I know people don’t want to hear this- but as I stated before…no will to live. I just…it just takes so much to want to wake up in the morning. Every morning I ask why? Why do I have to rise? Why do I live? Every year it’s the same thing. I am fine then I crash and the crash fucks everything up. I’m just finally tired of it. Being depressed can exhaust you and after a while you just want to ask: what’s the point. Just end it and be done with it.

It is a torment every single day. I live with this war in my head and it’s just driving me insane. Sure I function- I get my school work done, I get my work done for my job. But it’s so hard (well, work is fun at times still). But what an effort I have to put forth these days. It’s just so much.

And the whole no feeling thing sucks. Sadness I can’t touch. Rage/Anger I’ve got down and I think fear as well. But sadness, can’t even imagine. Intellectually I’ve got it all down pat, I know exactly how I should be feeling etc…but I can’t ‘feel’ it and that is driving me up the wall. It’s not like I can wave a magic wand to feel sadness, to cry. But I’m just at a loss as to what else to do. I have talked about my abuse and how I feel about it all, I’ve let just about everything out of the bag! What else!

So I feel I’m at the end. Lately I’ve felt a certain peace…it seems as I grow more comfortable with the thought of death. Be it Heaven or Hell or nothingness that I end up in…I don’t even care, because nothing could compare to the Hell I live in now. Trapped inside this mind of mine…I refuse to live in this world unhappy. And I don’t see happiness factoring in any time soon.

The best way I can explain how I feel is: no will to live. And as my last line of this poem states- I’m at peace with this forever decision I’m about to make. (Don't worry, I'm still here).

The Forever Decision
Thinking thoughts so insane,
Waging this war in my head.
Standing here in the rain,
Wishing this would all stop
And I'd finally feel no pain.

All day I live with this mask-
Smiling and laughing throughout my days,
While wondering how long this can last.
Finally, the cover falls
As the night falls fast.

The war rages on throughout the night.
The body becoming the battlefield,
The soul determined to fight.
Red forever stains this night,
I'm slowly losing my sight.

Darkness descends over my eyes,
The light I can no longer see.
I'm caught within these lies,
No where to turn, no where to run-
It's time to say my goodbye's

The forever decision
That I'm about to make
Shows my clouded vision
And that I can no longer cope-
I make my final incision.

Left alone to die,
Just as I was alone alive.
I do not wonder why;
My life has no meaning,
Nothing left to do but sigh.

It's all over and done,
I cannot turn back now.
My darkness has won-
I give in, I give up,
I can no longer run.

As dawn nears, I begin to fade.
I've already lived life too much,
The debt I've finally paid,
And I am finally at peace
With the forever decision that I've made.

9-19
I have no will to live. Honestly, I do not. It’s been three years on this journey to recovery. Four full inpatient visits, one partial. A couple counselors, finally a good one. A few psychiatrist, finally a good one. But here I am. Cuts up and down the arm, thoughts of no will. Thoughts of wondering why the hell I keep going…what is the point? I can’t touch some of my feelings. I’ve been talking- a lot! I’ve been getting stuff out…I’ve tried doing different things. I’ve tried so much this time- but this time its different. I feel different…As bad as this may sound…I feel like I’m finally feeling at peace…with the thought of dying. Like I think peace and I think death…that has never happened before. So I don’t know what to do. I feel at the end of my rope (no pun intended). Well, these are just thoughts, I’m off to work right now. Catch you all later.

9-16
I just want to die.
Is that too much to ask for?
Dying would solve all my problems-
Please, I just want to say my final good bye

This uneasy feeling
Leaves me out of control,
Wondering what’s friend or foe-
Am I really healing?

I just want to die.
And be left in peace,
Something I’ve never had,
Nor even a good cry.

Everything is damned up in my head,
I can’t release, yet I can’t keep it in-
While this thought always crosses my mind:
Am I better off dead?

Why live through this pain?
Why take on these feelings?
Why let go and lose control
And border on insane?

I just want peace;
Peace I know I can’t get here;
Peace I know does not exist
Until from life I’m released.

Let me end the torment.
Let me put an end to these unkind thoughts
That range forever throughout my mind.
With this decision, let me be content.

I just want to die.
I want to break this forever cycle,
I am too broken to fix-
Just let me have this one last cry.

9-14
Okay, this is a quote rant…I just recently came across a bunch of quotes…some from “Cutting” by Steven Levenkron, some from the book “Unholy ghost,” and some from Marilee Strong’s “A Bright Red Scream.”

Anyway, here I go, first quote, “Everyone wants me to feel the feelings, “ says Lindsay. “They say I have all these options: I can call people, I can talk to people. I know I have options but they are not even on the same level as cutting. If they were, I wouldn’t have to go to such extremes.”

I definitely feel this way. If you think about it…to cut, to harm your own skin enough to draw blood and sometimes require stitches…that takes a lot of numbing, a lot of pain…emotional pain. The body’s job is to protect itself…if something hurts you remove yourself from that situation (i.e. putting your hand on a hot burner…you instantly remove your hand). With cutting, we just keep going until we numb ourselves from the emotional pain we feel. The pain becomes real, tangible…something we can deal with. Yeah, sure, I can call a hundred different people, go out etc…but that doesn’t help these feelings, doesn’t help this pain.

”I push aside the knowledge that I’m leading a double life of sorts: As a promising young woman without a past, or with a past made up to fit a life she wants for herself so badly that anything invented is bound to be a better choice than the actual past.”
“I push aside too the impression that although many people feel close to me, no one has a whole picture of me, and this is bound to catch up with me sooner or later.”

Those quotes are from “A Shining Affliction.” I identify with these because to the outside world I’m this promising young woman who seems to have the world at her feet. Good school, awesome job…jovial, outgoing etc. I let people feel close to me…but they aren’t ever really close. I keep everybody, and I mean everybody, at some sort of distance. Never too close. I can’t do it.  

The next few quotes have to do with suicide…because that is how I’m feeling right now:
“Courting the idea is different from the real impulse. “when he begged for help, we took him and locked him up,” another friend of mine says, speaking of her husband. “not till then. Wishing to be out of the situation you are in- feeling helpless and unable to cope- is not the same thing as wishing to be dead. If I actually wished to be dead, even my children’s welfare would have no meaning.”

I know this difference because I have felt both. There have been times when I just wanted an end to the pain…and then at times I wanted an end to all life. The latter is obviously harder to control…and that is how I felt last October when I checked myself into the hospital…at that time I knew I wanted to die, so unless I got help right that minute, I was gone. And right now…honestly, right now I am teetering on the edge…of both sides. 

“Death’s edge is so abrupt and near that many people who expect a short and momentary dive may be astounded to find that it is bottomless , and change their minds and start to scream when they are half way down.”

This is obviously what happens when we call 911 after overdosing or calling a friend etc. I felt like this three years ago. I saw death’s edge in a dream where I thought I was dead, shot in the head. It is the most vivid dream I have ever, ever experienced and the most frightening. That dream, that memory will still haunt me from time to time. Shortly after that dream I was all set to kill myself…and then it came to me again and I realized the bottomless pit and got help. I screamed about three/fourths the way down…thank goodness. 

“Many people who briefly verge on suicide undergo a mental somersault for a terrifying interval during which they’re upside down, their perspective topsy-turvy, skidding, churning; and this is why I got rid of the bullets for my .22.”

This is me now. I got rid of my five bottles of prescription pills. I am currently in a mental somersault…and my mind is churning. I don’t trust myself….not much at all. I know if I had a bunch of pills in my possession I’d be dead for sure or at least in the E.R.
And that is why I got rid of my pills…equivalent to the bullets.

”I felt completely alone. Everyone else…seemed to be moving through their days peacefully, laughing and having fun. I resented them because they were having such an easy time of it and because I felt utterly cut off from them emotionally. I felt angry because there was no way they could understand what I was experiencing. Their very presence seemed to magnify my sense of isolation.”

Yes, I definitely identify with this quote- I feel so isolated and alone. I see people laughing, joking and hell even crying…and yet I can do none of that. I want to join in, I want to laugh, to cry, to feel…but can’t. And so yeah, I feel angry at times…it serves to drive me further into a depression.

"I never felt seriously suicidal, but this combination of gruesome days and sleepless nights often led me to feel that my life was not worth living. Some days were better than others, raising the elusive hope that I might be emerging from my difficulty. For the most part, though, I dragged along, feeling barely alive."

Wow, I felt these thoughts came from my head…I feel barely alive right now…just dragging me through the days…however I have felt seriously suicidal, like last weekend, last night and a few other times. I am barely holding on by a thread…barely alive…but the point is: I am alive.

And that concludes my quote fest and how I feel right now. My new med Seroquel is seriously knocking me on my ass, ugh. Makes me feel groggy the whole rest of the day. But it puts me to sleep for about six hours. Anyway, time to begin another day…another day of fighting, swearing and praying I live through it. See y’all later.

9-13
Okay, this is what I looked up today:
How the trauma may affect your life

The trauma usually does not end when the abuse stops. Child sexual abuse can affect your life in many ways. You may:

• hate your body
• not trust anyone
• find intimacy in relationships very difficult 'I struggled with depression for years. I have only recently understood how it is connected to the abuse I suffered as a child.'
• feel sex is disgusting or humiliating
• often 'space out' and not feel present 'A big thing for me has been to learn to feel connected to the world again. For years I felt like a zombie, it was like I wasn't connected to my feelings or to other people.'
• be affected physically
• sometimes feel crazy 'without reason'
• force yourself to be busy and 'on the move' all the time
• feel angry at someone or angry at everyone.

My thoughts—I hate my body, I don’t trust anyone (well, like one?), no intimacy for me very much, sexual relations is revolting to me sometimes, I can feel disconnected from the world, I have most certainly felt crazy for now reason, I force myself to stay busy and on the move constantly, and I feel angry at myself…and others I guess. Yikes. Go me, I feel or am almost all of those.  Boy doesn’t life suck now. I guess I am still just having trouble understanding why such abuse affects me in those ways now.

So yeah, just thinking and looking up stuff…

9-12
Scroll down past the lyrics and you get the rant :-)

I will never know
 Myself until I do this on my own
 And I will never feel
 Anything else, until my wounds are healed
 I will never be anything
 till I break away from me
 I will break away
 I'll find myself today

Words that came straight out of my head (thanks to linkin park)…wow. Then the next set:

 I wanna heal
 I wanna feel
 What I thought was never real
 I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
 Erase all the pain till it's gone
 I wanna heal
 I wanna feel
 Like I’m close to something real
 I want to find something Ive wanted all along
 Somewhere I belong

Exactly how I have been feeling lately. I do want to heal, to feel. I want to let go of all this pain! I want to belong for goodness sake! But then other thoughts into in…more linkin park: 
Breaking the Habit

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safer in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Cultured my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again

I dont want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
Cuz I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

So yeah, not too happy thoughts, but what the Hell, I do think that sometimes. I’m just messed up and confused right now, trying to figure out the right path to me being healthy. I am taking an under- load in college now, two classes and a research team. Work has been reduced a little as well. So I am ready to face my demons I think. I can’t take it anymore, I can’t take the pain, I can’t take the stress. This guilt…this shame…this sadness…this anger and fear! I can’t take it anymore. I want to die for all of them, I want to bleed for them. If I am going to make something of my future, I know I have to do it now. If I don’t, I will die. I know it. I can’t keep cycling through these good and bad moments, because the bad keeps getting worse. I don’t know if I could live through another depression. I honestly believe this. So now, its time to let it out. All those feelings pent up- I want them out. I want them real, I want to see them, to feel them, to experience them.

Now I say all of this- much easier to type…now its time to say them out loud, to do as I say…I hope…I pray…it time to hear the sound of letting go.

9-12
I take that back- this is how I really feel, with some parts in bold, like they were taken straight from my head.
Somewhere I belong

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I'd let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
When all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to loose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didnt fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everwhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to loose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain til its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something Ive wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything
till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something Ive wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong

Somewhere I belong
 

9-12
I found some lyrics...again by linkin park, that explain how I feel completely:
Easier to Run

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something more
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a path

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just watching in the sun
All of my helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
It’s so much simpler to change

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It’s easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It’s easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

9-11
Sad…
I am very, very, very sad. I am ready to have a good cry. I’m ready to let it all out. I’m ready. I want to hear the sound of letting go, I want to learn how to have fun, I want to learn who “me” is, I want to learn how to enjoy life, I want to know what its like to actually want to get up in the morning. I’m so tired of hiding inside anger, inside sadness and depression, inside shame and guilt and letting fear control me. (all the core feelings!)

I’m tired of reliving the abuse I suffered again and again in my head. I’m tired of bad thoughts consuming who I am and making my life a wreck. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy…other people around me are happy- what lets them be happy why I sit here contemplating suicide. I was abused- physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally…there I said it. It’s real, it happened. And it affects me. I believe I have no self worth, that I’m no good…that I don’t even deserve to live. All I do is let people down constantly…but that is in my head. The reality? I hardly ever let people down and I go the extra mile. But I go that extra mile so often that if I jump back down to the average, to reality, people think I am letting them down because I kept up at such a high level. But hell, I’m only one person.
And…I am sad. I am sad and I don’t know why…I’m still trying to understand why I am sad. What is sadness, what is the feeling, what is causing it?

Angry...
I am extremely angry…as if most people couldn’t figure that out. I’m angry at the people who have hurt me and continued to hurt me. I’m angry at myself for allowing them to do so. I’m angry that I’m angry lol. I’m angry that I have to go through all of this and my life suffers because of it. I’m 20 years old, few if any real friends…I don’t know how to have fun, how to enjoy life…I don’t know how to be a twenty year old. I don’t know how to cry, I don’t know how to just be alone with myself and not let negative thoughts ruin it. I don’t know how to be intimate with someone I love, I don’t know how to trust anyone for even a friend. I don’t know how to love myself, or even believe that I am an acceptable person to people. I constantly think I am unworthy of any positive thoughts from anyone. My assumption is always that I’m a ‘bad’ person or that I’ve done something wrong…never that I’ve done something right.
And so, your damn right that I am angry. I am angry that I am like this!

Scared...
I am very scared. I have had this feeling for a while…one of being scared of recovery as weird as that sounds. I have been the ‘secret keeper’ almost all of my life…so then to let these secrets out and no longer be the keeper…puts a whole new perspective on life. To think that I may even be a tad bit happy…incredibly powerful feelings rise up. Do I deserve it? Is it allowed? Will negative thoughts take it away from me? I am so used to being all of these negative feelings…what is this life without them. I can’t fathom it. But now at least I want it, I do. I just have to get myself motivated to get there. But am I scared about this new life? Yeah, your damn right I am.

What else do I fear? I fear I would be forever stuck in this cycle of depression, but one day it may actually kill me. I am afraid of killing myself…of harming myself more. Those thoughts pound through my head more than fifty times a day! It’s constant, a constant fight to push them away. And I am pushing them away, no matter how hard that is some days. It’s enough to bring anyone to their knee’s. But I’m here, trying to make it through…I just fear that its not enough.

And so there, there are three very core feelings out. I have one set left- shame/guilt…but I may have to save that. I want to stay safe tonight and bringing those out significantly decrease the probability of  my staying safe. I’m exhausted, I think sleep sounds good now. Night.

9-10
Okay…I’ve entered Partial Hospitalization…its quite a different experience. I’ve been inpatient, outpatient, but never in between. I think I like this better. I can be safe at night, for the most part I believe. But during the day I get treatment. It’s been nice. I’ve been somewhat quiet the last two days. I like to take in my surroundings and I guess get a feel for other patients and the staff.

It is quite hard for me to talk. I guess in talking, it makes everything a little more real. That hey, yeah I did go through this and this is how I feel about it. So much has happened and I feel like its hit me like a train wreck. In one year I have learned so much about myself and what has happened to me. I guess this final piece…this sexual abuse (there I said it), I guess it final boiled me over from everything else I was feeling. It was the last thing I could take. All my failures, all my flaws, everything I hate about myself- it all just came to a head…and I wanted to kill myself. Really and truly I did. I didn’t see the point in living if I was not enjoying life. I didn’t see why I had to live when I didn’t care enough about myself to like myself…and therefore, why would anyone choose to like me?

I have definitely realized how isolated I am. I don’t have any friends really except two and one lives far away. I have no support structure. Yeah, I have a therapist I go see (who kicks ass), I just started this day treatment (though only temporary)…I have two friends I can say things to every once in a while. But other than that, no real support structure. And that kind of has me down. I just don’t know how to reach out to people. I honestly don’t think I trust anyone enough for that. So many secrets in my head and so few people to trust them with.

To some extent I also need to learn the importance of staying on medication. As some of you know, I definitely went off the Wellbutrin- just didn’t see the point in taking it, I didn’t see it making a dramatic impact on my mood. And my mood goes up and down constantly. When I’m hyper and happy, I am a “yes” girl- I take on a billion things fully believing that I can do them, then depression hits and down I go and I don’t think I can do anything at all. Plays hell with school and work! But perhaps now I am seeing a pdoc I can get these moods regulated…wouldn’t that be nice?

Not sure what else to process tonight. I just know for the first time in weeks upon weeks, I am looking forward to the next day. And yeah, I take joy in that, because for me its all about steps when I am pulling myself back up. Every little thing positive is a big step for me. As I look at it:

Day Treatment Program: $400 a day
Therapist: $60 a session
Effexor: $50 a bottle
Wanting to wake up in the morning: Priceless

9-8
I am absolutely swamped right now. My boss’s left me with a  ton of work and no oversight- lucky me. So I spent my weekend working the whole time, not sure I saw the light of day besides morning walking to Chandler. I am in an 8 X 12 study room now. Artificial light, laptop and ugly scars to look at. Work is done…now its time for sleep and then I will wake early to do hw…what a freakin effort. Ahhh. I just want to…yeah, I won’t say. Let’s just say I was smart enough to give a friend a few “prized” possessions. Thank God I have some reason in me. Let’s hope it holds out until tomorrow.

9-7
I got up today, despite my prayers otherwise. I got up, took the trash out, got my clothes on and got to work, where I am now waiting for my boss’s to show up. I have band-aids on each wrist. I’m tired…very tired. Every movement this morning took like five times the strength it used to. Last night I made it through by doing this: renting three movies and getting my favorite soda. I watched them all in a row and by the time I finished I was tired so I turned over and went to bed. Not a bad way to keep from doing stuff.

I’m here kickin’, wondering what next week will bring. I don’t know what is in store for me, how my moods will change, where I will end up.

What I hate is that right now I’m in crisis mode, like so many times before. What does that mean? It means I can’t talk about what’s eating me up, because I have to concentrate on being safe, on getting out of this large black pit. And I do want…I look at past writings and miss being in that state! It’s amazing how things can change…and I have the added luck to see how things progress. I went back almost a year ago- same pattern almost! Incredible. Though a year ago, I was just starting therapy and the beginnings of everything was started, so no wonder I ended up in the hospital. And now…now I don’t know what to think…other than what the hell am I going to do?

Phew…I think I’m tired of writing…this is how I feel and I am at the point to where I don’t know what to do anymore. As I said before…the war between what I would lose if I took a “break” and what I would lose if I don’t, is ranging in my head. What a nasty war let me tell you. I have been fighting this war for three years now…well out loud…I fought it internally for longer. But really…I think its about time a side won, don’t you?

 One Last Breath

Running blindly through this maze,
Darkness falling over my eyes-
Creating this deathly haze.

Wishing to finally mend,
Prayers are shouted into the wind,
Let me meet my end!

Searching for this serene peace,
Wanting, searching, losing-
I just want a release.

Adrift and lost at sea,
This is a deep ocean of troubled times;
Land I do not see.

I don’t know what I hope to find,
Some answers to the endless questions
That rage through my mind.

But all I find is anger and sadness,
With a hint of a certain pain-
All pushing me toward this madness.

Running to my death,
I stop and think:
This is my one last breath.

Life flashes before my eyes,
The good, the bad, the unmentionable;
It’s enough to make me want to cry.

But brave I remain,
Up until this last breath
I hide my pain.

There, my thoughts in my favorite form.  

9-7
Trying to make sense of my life
I am ruled by others and all of the responsibilities that I can’t say no to. More than anything right now, I want to chill, as I’ve stated. I need help…a lot of it. But I refuse to get it. Honestly, I don’t trust myself right now…at all. I am holding on by a thread here. I am thanking God right now that I gave away my pills…smartest decision I’ve made in years- I would be dead or dying right now otherwise- that is how little I trust myself. Don’t think I haven’t thought of other methods- I have, but let’s just say my alternate way is too hard to get a hold of.

I should be going to the ER, I should be going away for a minimum of a couple days. I am unsafe to myself and my arms have born the brunt of that. But I don’t go, I don’t allow myself to take that kind of time to myself.

Why? Because I have school- a very important presentation to give on Wednesday, two classes where absences could fail me…I have work…I trained new students this weekend and now I must spend the next two weeks getting them acclimated to the programs. Without me, it will be detrimental to their training- hell I may notlose my job, but I’d come pretty damn close to it, not to mention the fact that I just got this job and I worked my ass off to get the freakin job. Then there are the kids I work with. As one parent told me the other day, despite the kids having one or two other therapists- I am carrying the kids, I am pushing them, without me they’d be stagnant…I have these kids lives in my hands and for me to just leave. I would consider it irresponsible. Or rather I look at it like this…if I go away- it better be for good.

I just keep thinking of everything that is at stake, but at the same time I am just trying to sort out the thoughts in my head… and the more I just resent everything. If I didn’t have so much to do- I could get the help I really need. But I can’t.

Then there is the parents I’d have to deal with- boy would I hear it if I went back to a hospital. I can’t even imagine it…it’d be like three years ago when they thought things were peachy and I dropped the depression/suicidal bomb on them. They think everything is fine right now and that life is perfect. I’d even probably get yelled at for seeking help…as messed up as that sounds- that’s my family.

And so those are the arguments raging back and forth right now…everything I’d lose if I don’t seek major help and everything I’d lose if I do. What a choice to have to make. Well, personally I’d rather trust myself and not have to worry about all of this…but I just…I just want out. Sadness, anger and all of those other stupid feelings- I want to be through with them. Memories and thoughts I just want to erase.

Alright, perhaps I’ll sleep now…I have hw and a room to clean…but the effort? Just too much- I want to go to sleep and not wake up…if only it were my perfect world.

9-6
Phew what a vent. I wrote that about five minutes ago and I just kept going. I just feel like what I'm doing is cyclical...never-ending...tiring. I mean I'm sure things I've recently thought about are having a severe impact on the thoughts in my head...but it keeps happening. I won't say I don't know why I'm suicidal all of the sudden. Obviously not, but still. Why do I keep returning to the same pattern, of being better than not...over and over and over again.

I'm just...just...so tired. So very tired. I'm tired of all my feelings, I'm tired of being sad, but having no way to express it. I'm tired of all the secrets I keep.

I'm sure some of you know the type of tiredness I am talking about. "The tiredness"...when things wind down and you just feel nothing, no joy in anything.  A friend of mine asked me to list everything that I needed, regardless of other people. I know the answer to that for sure, it's just so hard to say because of the consequences.

What I want and need more than anything is a break from my life...somewhere to go, to get intensive therapy, to get time away from people, to get a chance to put my life back together for good. I just need all of this pain, all of this sadness, all of this shit to be over and done with.

But the consequences of such action- wow they far out-weigh anything I could ever want for myself. I don't think I could possibly be that selfish...then again, I could- if I didn't know the consequences, hence suicide. But as I've said in the past-  suicide just permanently hides me from temporary problems and cut short a life I could have lived well.

But I wonder...what happens when you don't care enough to want to live a life well...which is where I am at now. Again, I gotta go. Maybe I'll go stare at a wall...I get about as much joy out of that as I do living life.

9-6
Something has to give. Right now I'm thinking my life. I have gotten progressively worse. I don't enjoy anything right now. Nothing. Not even work which I hold near and dear to my heart. When I'm working and I fail to find joy in what I'm doing- I know something is drastically wrong.

Everyday is an effort to me...an effort to get up, an effort to shower, an effort to attend classes. Then its an effort to go to bed at night and do the whole thing all over again. Hell, it's even a f***ing effort to smile...since when has it been an effort for me to smile! I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't seem to do anything...Yet I have so much to do...so much. If I were to take time off for anything right now, it would have a severe impact on several things around me. And so I'm in a quandary. I know I need help...badly.  But the consequences of such actions I know would be so big, its like I'd rather die than live through them...as selfish, irresponsible and immature as that may sound. I just have gone through the consequences before and they are never good and make things worse for a while. So why go through them again, because you know I'm just going to get f***ing depressed again. I mean that is me right? Go get better for a while, have things run smoothly...then BOOM I go down again because its a fucking fun time let me tell you.

Well I am sick and fucking tired!!! SICK AND TIRED OF IT! I want out...I just want fucking out. I am finding no joy in anything- nothing...so what is the point of living if you find no joy in anything? I don't know if there is one!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alright I'm outta here.

9-4
I know why I gave all my pills to my best friend. Because I would have taken them tonight. I swear, I would have. I’m too tired to drive out and get more- but had they been here, you can bet your ass I would have swallowed a bunch of each. I feel so lost and I just feel like I’m slipping further and further down. I don’t know why, why am I being swallowed up. I just feel like shit. Plain and simple. And as Susanna Kaysen said on Girl Interrupted- “I just wanted to make the shit stop.” Well that is exactly how I feel. I don’t experience too often the kind of depression where you sleep all the time and don’t want to do work, but that is how I feel now. I just want to sleep all day and do jack shit. And that is impacting my school work as I am already playing catch-up. And all of that feeds into my depression. Every moment of my day is consumed with ‘bad’ thoughts.

Either I’m thinking of suicide, thinking of cutting, flashing back, or trying to just figure out what the hell is going on with me. Ahhh, it feels like this is cyclical…I’m always getting better, then also the sudden boom, new topic I have never discussed and down I go- right in the middle of school and everything. I can’t stand it.

I know this path, I used to travel it every six months…well I am there again. But this time I have so much more at stake. Time off for a hospital means bad news for school, research team and the kids I work with. I think I’d feel even worse! So what to do!!??

9-4
Damn it all to hell.

9-3
My favorite line in all of my poetry I think:

The first scar
Never to far
Where blade and flesh met
Never to forget

9-3
So do ya'll think I just quit everything and become a hermit in the woods? That is what I'm feeling like doing right now- I'm just a little sick of life right now. Not that I'm thinking suicide, more isolation. I guess I feel isolated enough from people that I might as well make it physical as well! Anyway, that is my rant, I'd rather keep the rest private. Though my poem below pretty describes how I am doing exactly.

9-3
Broken Cutter
"Hate me"
Carved into my arm,
Is this cause for alarm?

Cuts wrapped around my wrist,
Suddenly I feel lost-
I think of what the cuts have cost.

Definite stares at my arms-
They wonder why there is so much red,
I think I’d rather be dead.

I just would like to cry out why,
Why can’t I cry?!
Why can’t I just say goodbye?!

I’m just tired of staying strong,
I’m getting worn down here-
My life is being ruled by fear.

So I sit here and ponder,
Why I feel so much strain,
And why numbness overcame pain.

Why did I cut again?
Why have I thrown everything away?
Just for some thoughts gone astray.

So here I lay,
Nothing to utter
For I am a broken cutter.

9-3
Okay, time for Erin’s thoughts on abuse:

Well I recently got some interesting perspectives on abuse…while originally I went to a lecture on more ‘courtship abuse’, I got quite an overview on different forms of abuse. Everyone knows the typical, if they hit you stuff or force intercourse upon you…but what about the more subtle forms of abuse. Further, I thought about the types of abuse I witnessed. The lecturer asked us to raise our hand if we knew anyone who had, not hit the other person, but instead hurt themselves by punching/kicking a wall…I raised mine because my father broke his wrist punching a wall instead of my mom. Then later, he asked those who knew of someone who threatened to kill themselves to get someone to stay with them. My brother- big time, I know several instances where he threatened to do so.

Then of course there is the abuse. The guilt trips, the no win situation, the putting me down, the degrading of successes, emphasizing failure…etc. One of the more interesting things I thought about is when he said some abusers use emotional extreme’s to control people…oh man is that my mom. You don’t get a better example. She must have me wrapped around her finger. Which of course makes me mad. I think my mom know’s every trick in the book…but then again she had the best teachers in her own parents. Same old stuff. I wondered too, during the lecture, if I might have some of those abusive qualities. I like to find fault in myself and I’d have to say I’m not without it, at least in my opinion. I don’t think I do it on purpose, but its just in me to do so. Like in arguments- I have a very hard time seeing someone else’s side and will argue my point until the other person backs down. At least I used to be that way- I know I am a lot more tolerant these days.

But anyway, I mostly just thought about abuse in general and how for so many years I just assumed I was completely un-abused because I only learned about overt abuse and not the subtler forms.

Which brings me to the one kind of abuse I can’t talk about. But need to get out. I have recognized it and its not like I can ignore it any longer. It happened to me, I can’t deny it, only deal with it. It obviously has had a large impact on me, I just need to know why and how and how to get better. I don’t know why, but I’m feeling particularly brave and wanting to talk…so I hope its more than just a fleeting moment and when I awake tomorrow I’ll still want to talk. It’s like I get these openings and I go for them before they close up. But it’s one thing thinking/typing and  a whole other thing to say it. Like I heard recently, talking about it makes it real…for me that is a very true statement. If I leave it in my denial box, then it must not be real, it must not exist in my conscious world. But it is all very real and has a very real effect on me. It’s time I realize this. Yeah, so that’s about it, I’m ready for sleep. My deep thoughts have run their course! Take care all.

9-1
So many months past-
Thrown away with one blade;
It all happened so fast,
My heart, I’ve betrayed.

The skin is my battleground,
For words I cannot utter.
My body is bound,
To this broken cutter.

This pain has become numb
I’ve lost the hurt inside
To pain I’ve succumb
It’s about time I’ve cried.

Red ran down last night,
Across my hand, across my pride;
Surely I’ve lost my sight,
Pain and numbness collide.

I throw the towel in,
The white flag departs-
Here, take my skin-
But you can’t have my heart.

9-1
What suicide would do for me:

There would be no more me, no more Erin in school, no more therapist to the kids, no more daughter of a broken mother, no more sister to my brothers. No more football games in the cul-de-sac, no more late night snuggles watching the Cosby show. No more long talks with my best friend and how we do not need men. No more understanding autism with a favorite prof, no more five minute turn two hour conversations on all that is psychology. No more “deep” dollar worth conversations with my soul mate, no more hiking in the woods and appreciating nature. No more therapy sessions to laugh through, no more therapy sessions trying to be brave. No more miracle idea’s to help the kids talk, no more smiles and sweet kisses. No getting to hear a first word or even a last.

No more pain, no more thoughts. No more flashbacks, no more scars. No more dry tears, no more blades. No more blood, no more shaking hands. No more intrusive thoughts, no more thoughts about death. No more Erin.

I wouldn’t feel the pain I feel now, I wouldn’t have to stand here and take the rest of this shit. I won’t have to deal with things better off left for dead…I won’t have to remember things from my denial box. I won’t have to fake my happiness, I won’t have to be too brave to cry.

But more than what suicide would do for me- what will it do for others. That is why I’m here…couldn’t stand the sad faces, couldn’t stand others teaching my brothers what I should have…I couldn’t stand not hearing a child’s first word, I couldn’t stand leaving them without their safety net. I can’t ignore the lives I’ve touched…I can’t be selfish enough to end it. There must be some good I’ve done somewhere…

I make this list now…to remind myself when I get too far gone to see the good things I’d miss and to recognize the bad. When my depression hits, there is no arguing- its all bad and I’m all worthless.

What does suicide do for me? Just permanently hides me from temporary problems and cut short a life I could have lived well.

9-1
My Two Lives
One life: successful student, a few close friends, gets along well with professors, popular psychology student. I get along well, spending my time with the kids, then come home and hang out. After that, it’s time to study. My mood can stay up, can stay fairly happy. Denial…denial is a wonderful things.

My second life: filled with terrible anxiety, constantly wondering if I’m good enough for anything, I wake up worried everyday, go to class- fight to pay attention, fight to stay organized, I go to work, the two hours a day I’m in my element, come home- look at my disorganized mess, so I spend the next fanatical few hours organizing/working or I may say ‘shove it’ and end up playing online. Everyday I get flashbacks, either from cutting/suicide stuff (one look at my arm…) or other events, I find something to hate about myself and thus I end up just plain hating myself. Massive anxiety prevents me from doing some simple things- so I slip on further down.

But, I have a smile, I have a laugh and a little box I can dump things in. I spend my day covering that all up…rarely do they show their ugly face, but I know its there, I know what I’m hiding. And I think it eats me up inside. No wonder sleep doesn’t come easy, or I skip a few meals or create more scars or curl up in a fit of panic.

I think I would rather just have a blank slate in my mind- just forget, move on and stuff all the memories from this moment on. Though, knowing me, some part of me would know all is not quite right. So I’m always screwed lol.

So here is me, locked into two worlds…one day one will consume all of me, but I know in my heart- I can’t live in denial forever.

9-1

8-31
This is the End
Trying to find myself through this maze,
Is impossible while stuck in this haze.

Staring out into the ocean so serene,
Just makes me want to scream.

I’ve finally answered my question-
I’m stuck in this depression.

No way out for me,
Just staying adrift at sea.

I belong to that which is crimson-
It has finally won,

I have no more to give,
I don’t think I really want to live.

With that my story is done;
The end has begun.

My last goodbye-
I just want to die.

It’s all coming to the end,
No more time left to mend.

Time for no more pain-
From this life I abstain.

No more do I have to bend-
For this is the end.

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