Monstervision Host Segments for

Friday the 13th (1980)



"Friday the 13th" Intro


"WELCOME to the First Annual Joe Bob Briggs Dusk-to-Dawn Friday the 13th Marathon. I'm rested. I'm limber. I went to the gym today, did two minutes on the treadmill. And you'll notice that I don't have a single Old Milwaukee Tall Boy tonight. Instead we have [showing] the Caffeine Twelve-Pack. Six coffees on one side, six Jolt Colas on the other. Keep one of these handy, and you'll eventually need a sledgehammer in your life, you know what I mean? Tonight we're gonna show as many of the "Friday the 13th" movies as we CAN show by the time the sun comes up--I think we'll get about six of em in. Are you guys ready for this? Are you guys READY for this? [camera swings around to reveal crew] Jay, Ernie, we're doing an ALL-NIGHTER. Do you get the concept? Poor babies, had to get up early so we could start the show at 8 o'clock. Here. [passing out coffees and colas] Let's start the medication now. Turn the camera back around, you guys are disgusting.

Okay, first up is the original "Friday the 13th," and what can I say that hasn't been said before? This is the one that started it all. Friday, June 13th, 1980. The dawn of the eighties. The dawn of the modern slasher film. You know what other flick premiered that same day? The Shining. It was a wicked week, wasn't it? But I ask you: which film had the greater impact? Eight sequels--I rest my case, thank you very much. Now many people would say that Halloween was the first great slasher movie; it came out in 1978, I think. But the problem with "Halloween" is that it had socially redeeming value; there was a REASON that Michael Myers was killing all those teenagers. In "Friday the 13th," we don't even know who's really doing the killing till the very end, and it's not who we think it is, and the reason is kinda lame, and even if you saw the movie, you probly don't remember what the reason is. You're thinking, "I know who's killing everybody. EVERYBODY knows who does the killing in 'Friday the 13th' movies." Well, if you haven't seen it in a while, guess again--NOT IN THE FIRST ONE. What this movie had was the greatest ad campaign in modern film history. Everybody saw the commercials. Everybody GOT IT. Kids having sex; kids being butchered because they were having too much sex. The simple equation that made the slasher film what it is today. Leonard Maltin, I don't care what you say about this being a "wretched" flick. Get some new lenses on your goggles, buddy, because this is a GREAT movie. And we're gonna prove it tonight, with this one, AND five of the sequels that follow it, and as we go along, I'm gonna remind you of great moments in horror film history that were DEFINED in this movie. We'll also trace Jason's development throughout the series, and try and give you as much reason to blow off that lame Halloween party you were invited to and party all night with us instead. Don't wimp out on me.
Okay, here's the drive-in totals for movie number one:

Ten dead bodies.
Knife to the stomach.
Throat-slitting.
Cleaver through the back.
Ax to the face.
Arrow through the forehead.
Fire poker to the face.
Frying pan to the head.
Head-hacking.
And some nice violin music by Harry Manfredini.

Four stars.

Check it out, and at 6 a.m., we'll call it a night.

[fading] Do we have those beenie weenies that Bill likes? I don't want anybody gettin cranky on us. Okay, good."


"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #1

"All right, let's talk about Kevin Bacon. Does Kevin Bacon go around saying, "I'm proud to be in the original 'Friday the 13th'"? No. You know what Kevin Bacon does? Kevin Bacon tells people his first movie was Diner. You just saw him, right? Second car to arrive at Camp Crystal Lake. Jeff. In the front seat. With the banjo music. See, nobody gives this movie any respect. Kevin Bacon's first movie was not "Diner." IN his first movie, Kevin Bacon was DINNER. Just wanted to clear that up. Thank you. [fading]

By the way, I'm glad to see the Dorothy Hammill do was still popular in 1980. What was this--three, four years after the Olympics? Hadn't the Farrah Fawcett taken over by then? Or was that BEFORE the Dorothy Hammill? See, this is why women think men are clueless."





"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #2

"Okay, we've just seen several staples of the slasher film, first used in "Friday the 13th." Fighting the snake with pillows--that was a one-time deal, that one really didn't catch on. But the theme of the Dangerous Jokester we saw three times. The crazy kid playing around on the archery range. Ned, the guy who fakes drowning so he can get mouth-to-mouth from a girl. And then we saw these kids being disrespectful to the local police officer, especially when he asks if they've brought any marijuana with em. All the things you're not supposed to do at camp--you WILL die for these offenses. It's funny to me that these movies are always based on the idea of Old People Wisdom coming true. If they say don't play with matches, you get burned up by fire. If they say don't play with that stick, sure enough it puts your eye out. Horse around, break the rules, and you are D-E-A-D meat. Now this should be a clue to WHO'S DOING THE KILLING. That's all I'm gonna say. Zipper lip. I won't give it away. We have a whole new generation that needs to see this and, more importantly, UNDERSTAND IT.

[fading] I love those characters like the cop. Some of the "Friday the 13th" sequels try to class things up and get rid of those types, and then others go totally the opposite way and get completely whacked on us. But nothing gets in the way of the plot: they go into the woods, but they don't come out of the woods."


"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #3

"Kids playing "Strip Monopoly," smoking grass, drinking beer, having sex out of wedlock. And they laugh at the old geek who says "You're doomed. You're all dooooooomed." That's something that wasn't invented in this movie, but it's also a standard item in a horror flick. If the old geek says you're doomed, then you're by-God doomed. It doesn't matter that he's crazy. He knows what he's talking about BECAUSE he's crazy. I'm surprised I have to explain this stuff. And by the way: About how long do you think Kevin Bacon is gonna last? I'd say the boy's hormones are about to do him in, what do you think?

Does anybody still play that Kevin Bacon game? Remember that--

ERNIE (O.S.): Joe Bob, you're still on 1.

What?

ERNIE (O.S.): Camera 2's not on.

What do you mean, Camera 2's not on? [peering past Camera 2] Where'd Jay go?

ERNIE (O.S.): I think he went to bathroom.

He went to the bathroom? Doesn't he know we're in the middle of the show here?

ERNIE (O.S.): Just stick with Camera 1 for now.

I can't believe he'd go the head right in the middle of the show. All right, well, roll it, I guess."


"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #4

"Three dead bodies since the last commercial break, and Steve the Rhodes Scholar camp leader still doesn't know diddly squat, does he? It's very important in a "Friday the 13th" that, no matter how many people die, nobody ever finds out anybody's dead until the last 20 minutes of the movie. Otherwise, they would just hike their hineys out of there, right? By the way, lemme commend the TNT editing department for that wonderful ax-in-the-face. Usually those things don't make it through. Outstanding. We missed the cleaver up through the bed, skewering Kevin Bacon and protruding out the front of his chest, but I think we got the general idea there. It's too bad that some of this stuff gets edited out, because this is one of the early efforts of the great Tom Savini, the special-effects master who went on to direct the remake of Night of the Living Dead. All Tom's BEST work is EXACTLY what they cut out. It's like, the better job he does, the more they wanna cut it, because it looks too REAL. If he was a really lame artist, I guess they would like it.

Ernie, the light on this camera's not going on again.

ERNIE (O.S.): All right, we'll go find him.

NOW you're going to find him?"


"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #5

"Okay, Bill and Alice find a bloody ax in a bloody bed and decide to SPLIT UP. Wonderful plan. It never occurs to em that maybe the power in the camp went out for a REASON. Darn! That's Bing Crosby's son playing Bill... and I can't concentrate until I know if Jay's back on his camera. Jay, are you there? [no answer] I'm sorry, but this is crazy. [walking, camera follows] Let's go to the bathroom and get his hiney back out here. I've never heard of such a thing in all my years of "MonsterVision." All two of em. He better have a REALLY good excuse for being in here for so long.

Jay, you in here? [sees bloody handprint on mirror] What the-- Oh, I get it. [picks up half-eaten donut off sink--it oozes red jelly] It's a little Halloween prank. That's very funny, Jay. The jelly on the mirror--nice touch. Okay, let's roll the movie. Ernie, will you get someone else on Camera 2?"


"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #6

"It's Betsy Palmer. It's a deranged Betsy Palmer doing all the killing. Now how many people remember this? Can we have a show of hands? You thought it was Jason in a hockey mask, right? But in the first movie, it was Betsy Palmer, killing all the camp counselors because all they care about is having sex, and two of em were having sex when her young Jason drowned at summer camp--and isn't it great when Alice nails her with a fire poker, but she gets up and starts talking in Jason's voice? Betsy Palmer, of "I've Got a Secret" fame--and yes, indeed, Betsy has a secret. "Kill her, Mommy, kill her." And that's Adrienne King as Alice, doing a fine job--she's a great screamer, don't you think?--as we now watch the final brutal bloody catfight between the innocent camp counselor and the demonic mother, in the classic by producer/director Sean Cunningham, "Friday the 13th."

[fading] Was Betsy Palmer on "I've Got a Secret" or "What's My Line?" What's Betsy's line? Serial killer. Uh, is my head cut off? ERNIE (O.S.): We're working on that."



"Friday the 13th" Outro

"There you have it. The original "Friday the 13th," and doesn't Jason Voorhees look weird when he comes up out of Crystal Lake there at the end? We'll put that up on our board as we trace the evolution of Jason. [attaching picture] Okay, right now he's kind of a 12-year-old zombie--very skinny. Not like the Jason we'll come to know and love in later flicks. But they EXPLAIN that in the plots of these movies. They really do. Anyhow, we're gonna watch "Friday the 13th, Part 2," in just a minute here, and it does pick up just exactly where this one left off; I think it happens two months later, in horror-film time.

But first it's time for a special Halloween visit from someone whose evolution I'D like to trace, if you know what I mean, [enters] our own TNT Mail Girl, Rusty. I was gonna ask if you wanted to go trick-or-treating with me later, but it looks like we're gonna be HERE all night.

MAIL GIRL: Oh, that's a shame. And you have your costume on and everything.

What costume?

MAIL GIRL: No, it looks cute. Anyway, I want you to know that I took a nice, long nap today so I could make it through the night.

You took a nap?

MAIL GIRL: Uh huh.

In bed?

MAIL GIRL: Well, where else would I take it?

I just never thought about that. Were you wearing, like, a little silk nightie? Or did you just strip down to your skivvies and sleep like that?

MAIL GIRL: [beat, then] Boxer shorts and a t-shirt. Okay? Can we move on now?

One of those little tight t-shirts?

MAIL GIRL: I don't have the letter I was originally gonna bring out--I seem to have misplaced my mail bag, but I just found this one in my dressing room. Maybe you can read IT.

It's not open yet. [opens letter--done w/magazine cut-outs] Interesting handwriting.

"Joe Bob,

"You are through. Go back to where you came from. I hate you."

It's not signed.

MAIL GIRL: One of your happy fans, huh?

Where'd you get this?

MAIL GIRL: It was sitting on the vanity in my dressing room.

[looking at envelope] Hey, guys, you forgot to put a stamp on the envelope.

MAIL GIRL: Maybe it's a threat from someone inside TNT.

No, it's these jokesters again. Real cute, guys. Ha ha. You're gonna have to do better than that next time. [to Rusty] Hey, since we can't go trick-or-treating, maybe later we can play Pin-the-Tail-on-Joe-Bob. I'll blindfold you, and you can try and find my hiney.

MAIL GIRL: You just keep up that positive attitude. [exits]

Is that a yes or a no? That was a no, wasn't it? All right, let's watch "Friday the 13th, Part 2." The story picks right up with the same girl, Adrienne King, in the first scene, and I don't wanna give the story away, but this is actually the FIRST film to star Jason himself. And in some ways I think it's a little better made than the first one--they spent some extra bucks on it. And those drive-in totals are: [totals don't come on screen] Eleven dead bodies. One dead dog. Ice pick through the skull. Uh, hello? Drive-in totals? Is there a reason they're not coming up?

ERNIE (O.S.): Uh, the chyron guy is missing.

Get outta here. The chyron guy is gone?

ERNIE (O.S.): Just finish the totals, we'll find him.

Allll right. Where was I? Ice pick through the skull. One strangulation. Claw hammer to the back of the head. Machete to the throat. Cleaver through the head. Double spear through the body. Machete to the shoulder. Pitchfork Fu. Chainsaw Fu. Four stars. Check it out, and then we'll be back with more useless information to clog up your brain and make you get senile faster.

[fading] You know, heads are gonna roll around HERE if you guys don't quit messing around."


Friday the 13th movies available from Amazon.com

Note: Golden Compass cost over $180,000,000 to make and was such a big flop (grossing less than half of cost) that Warner Brothers took over New Line in February 2008, firing founder Robert Shaye and his partner Michael Lynne. Warner plans to let 40-year-old New Line continue to make edgier films including Final Destination 4 and a remake of Friday the 13th, and Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings sequel "Hobbit" is unlikely to be cancelled given his track record with JRR Tolkien movies.

Monstervision host segments continue with Friday the 13th, Part 2

Betsy Palmer movies on cable this week:

Previous Betsy Palmer and Friday the 13th broadcasts:

The Fear: Halloween Night (1999, Betsy Palmer, sequel to the 1995 horror film
Oct 31, 2008  1:00 AM on SciFi Channel 

Queen Bee (1955, Joan Crawford, Betsy Palmer, Fay Wray. Domineering woman uses any means to get her way
Sep  2, 2008  12:15A EST on Turner Classic Movies

Murder, She Wrote: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (guest stars Betsy Palmer, Gale Storm)
Sep 10, 2008  07:00P on Hallmark Channel

           Friday the 13th 
Last seen Jan 26, 2007 on Bravo

           Friday the 13th, Part 2
(not scheduled lately)

           Friday the 13th, Part 3
July 14, 2008 on American Movie Classics

           Friday the 13th 4: The Final Chapter
(not scheduled lately)

           Friday the 13th part 5: A New Beginning
May 31, 2008 on Thrillermax

           Friday the 13th, Part 6: Jason Lives
March 15, 2007 on Cinemax
May 30, 2008 on Thrillermax

           Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988)
Jul 13, 2008 on American Movie Classics

           Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
Nov  5, 2006 on Showtime
Dec 22, 2006 on The Movie Channel
Jan 12, 2007 on Flix Movie Channel

           Jason X (2001, on a spaceship in 2455)
May 22, 2008 on USA Network

           Freddy vs. Jason (2003, up against Freddy Krueger of Nightmare on Elm Street)
July 7, 2007 on SciFi Channel
Jul 23, 2007 on USA Network

A Friday the 13th TV-series is occasionally seen on the SCIFI Channel
Fun fact:
The underwear firm BVD was founded in 1876 by three men named Bradley, Voorhees and Day.

John Bloom (Joe Bob Briggs) and Betsy Palmer at Frightmare Weekend in Grapevine, TX
(click to play 2006 clip)


Joe Bob Briggs reviews Sleepaway Camp 2 (15 dead bodies, 1 pathetic panty-raid)

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