"WELCOME to the First Annual Joe Bob Briggs Dusk-to-Dawn
Friday the 13th Marathon. I'm rested. I'm limber. I went to the gym
today, did two minutes on the treadmill. And you'll notice that I don't
have a single Old Milwaukee Tall Boy tonight. Instead we have [showing]
the Caffeine Twelve-Pack. Six coffees on one side, six Jolt Colas on the
other. Keep one of these handy, and you'll eventually need a sledgehammer
in your life, you know what I mean? Tonight we're gonna show as many of
the "Friday the 13th" movies as we CAN show by the time the sun comes
up--I think we'll get about six of em in. Are you guys ready for this? Are
you guys READY for this? [camera swings around to reveal crew] Jay, Ernie,
we're doing an ALL-NIGHTER. Do you get the concept? Poor babies, had to
get up early so we could start the show at 8 o'clock. Here. [passing out
coffees and colas] Let's start the medication now. Turn the camera back
around, you guys are disgusting.
Okay, first up is the original
"Friday the 13th," and what can I say that hasn't been said before? This
is the one that started it all. Friday, June 13th, 1980. The dawn of the
eighties. The dawn of the modern slasher film. You know what other flick
premiered that same day? The Shining. It was a wicked week, wasn't it?
But I ask you: which film had the greater impact? Eight sequels--I rest my
case, thank you very much. Now many people would say that Halloween was
the first great slasher movie; it came out in 1978, I think. But the
problem with "Halloween" is that it had socially redeeming value; there
was a REASON that Michael Myers was killing all those teenagers. In
"Friday the 13th," we don't even know who's really doing the killing till
the very end, and it's not who we think it is, and the reason is kinda
lame, and even if you saw the movie, you probly don't remember what the
reason is. You're thinking, "I know who's killing everybody. EVERYBODY
knows who does the killing in 'Friday the 13th' movies." Well, if you
haven't seen it in a while, guess again--NOT IN THE FIRST ONE. What this
movie had was the greatest ad campaign in modern film history. Everybody
saw the commercials. Everybody GOT IT. Kids having sex; kids being
butchered because they were having too much sex. The simple equation that
made the slasher film what it is today. Leonard Maltin, I don't care what
you say about this being a "wretched" flick. Get some new lenses on your
goggles, buddy, because this is a GREAT movie. And we're gonna prove it
tonight, with this one, AND five of the sequels that follow it, and as we
go along, I'm gonna remind you of great moments in horror film history
that were DEFINED in this movie. We'll also trace Jason's development
throughout the series, and try and give you as much reason to blow off
that lame Halloween party you were invited to and party all night with us
instead. Don't wimp out on me. Okay, here's the drive-in totals for movie
Ten dead bodies. Knife to the stomach.
Throat-slitting. Cleaver through the back. Ax to the face.
Arrow through the forehead. Fire poker to the face. Frying pan
to the head. Head-hacking. And some nice violin music by Harry
Check it out, and at 6 a.m., we'll
call it a night.
[fading] Do we have those beenie weenies that Bill
likes? I don't want anybody gettin cranky on us. Okay, good."
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #1
"All right, let's talk
about Kevin Bacon. Does Kevin Bacon go around saying, "I'm proud to be in
the original 'Friday the 13th'"? No. You know what Kevin Bacon does? Kevin
Bacon tells people his first movie was Diner. You just saw him, right?
Second car to arrive at Camp Crystal Lake. Jeff. In the front seat. With
the banjo music. See, nobody gives this movie any respect. Kevin Bacon's
first movie was not "Diner." IN his first movie, Kevin Bacon was DINNER.
Just wanted to clear that up. Thank you. [fading]
By the way, I'm glad to
see the Dorothy Hammill do was still popular in 1980. What was
this--three, four years after the Olympics? Hadn't the Farrah Fawcett
taken over by then? Or was that BEFORE the Dorothy Hammill? See, this is
why women think men are clueless."
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #2
"Okay, we've just seen
several staples of the slasher film, first used in "Friday the 13th."
Fighting the snake with pillows--that was a one-time deal, that one really
didn't catch on. But the theme of the Dangerous Jokester we saw three
times. The crazy kid playing around on the archery range. Ned, the guy who
fakes drowning so he can get mouth-to-mouth from a girl. And then we saw
these kids being disrespectful to the local police officer, especially
when he asks if they've brought any marijuana with em. All the things
you're not supposed to do at camp--you WILL die for these offenses. It's
funny to me that these movies are always based on the idea of Old People
Wisdom coming true. If they say don't play with matches, you get burned up
by fire. If they say don't play with that stick, sure enough it puts your
eye out. Horse around, break the rules, and you are D-E-A-D meat. Now this
should be a clue to WHO'S DOING THE KILLING. That's all I'm gonna say.
Zipper lip. I won't give it away. We have a whole new generation that
needs to see this and, more importantly, UNDERSTAND IT.
love those characters like the cop. Some of the "Friday the 13th" sequels
try to class things up and get rid of those types, and then others go
totally the opposite way and get completely whacked on us. But nothing
gets in the way of the plot: they go into the woods, but they don't come
out of the woods."
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #3
"Kids playing "Strip
Monopoly," smoking grass, drinking beer, having sex out of wedlock. And
they laugh at the old geek who says "You're doomed. You're all
dooooooomed." That's something that wasn't invented in this movie, but
it's also a standard item in a horror flick. If the old geek says you're
doomed, then you're by-God doomed. It doesn't matter that he's crazy. He
knows what he's talking about BECAUSE he's crazy. I'm surprised I have to
explain this stuff. And by the way: About how long do you think Kevin
Bacon is gonna last? I'd say the boy's hormones are about to do him in,
what do you think?
Does anybody still play that Kevin Bacon game?
ERNIE (O.S.): Joe Bob, you're still on
ERNIE (O.S.): Camera 2's not on.
What do you
mean, Camera 2's not on? [peering past Camera 2] Where'd Jay
ERNIE (O.S.): I think he went to bathroom.
He went to
the bathroom? Doesn't he know we're in the middle of the show
ERNIE (O.S.): Just stick with Camera 1 for now.
can't believe he'd go the head right in the middle of the show. All right,
well, roll it, I guess."
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #4
"Three dead bodies
since the last commercial break, and Steve the Rhodes Scholar camp leader
still doesn't know diddly squat, does he? It's very important in a "Friday
the 13th" that, no matter how many people die, nobody ever finds out
anybody's dead until the last 20 minutes of the movie. Otherwise, they
would just hike their hineys out of there, right? By the way, lemme
commend the TNT editing department for that wonderful ax-in-the-face.
Usually those things don't make it through. Outstanding. We missed the
cleaver up through the bed, skewering Kevin Bacon and protruding out the
front of his chest, but I think we got the general idea there. It's too
bad that some of this stuff gets edited out, because this is one of the
early efforts of the great Tom Savini, the special-effects master who went
on to direct the remake of Night of the Living Dead. All Tom's BEST work
is EXACTLY what they cut out. It's like, the better job he does, the more
they wanna cut it, because it looks too REAL. If he was a really lame
artist, I guess they would like it.
Ernie, the light on this
camera's not going on again.
ERNIE (O.S.): All right, we'll go find
NOW you're going to find him?"
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #5
"Okay, Bill and Alice
find a bloody ax in a bloody bed and decide to SPLIT UP. Wonderful plan.
It never occurs to em that maybe the power in the camp went out for a
REASON. Darn! That's Bing Crosby's son playing Bill... and I can't
concentrate until I know if Jay's back on his camera. Jay, are you there?
[no answer] I'm sorry, but this is crazy. [walking, camera follows] Let's
go to the bathroom and get his hiney back out here. I've never heard of
such a thing in all my years of "MonsterVision." All two of em. He better
have a REALLY good excuse for being in here for so long.
in here? [sees bloody handprint on mirror] What the-- Oh, I get it. [picks
up half-eaten donut off sink--it oozes red jelly] It's a little Halloween
prank. That's very funny, Jay. The jelly on the mirror--nice touch. Okay,
let's roll the movie. Ernie, will you get someone else on Camera
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #6
"It's Betsy Palmer.
It's a deranged Betsy Palmer doing all the killing. Now how many people
remember this? Can we have a show of hands? You thought it was Jason in a
hockey mask, right? But in the first movie, it was Betsy Palmer, killing
all the camp counselors because all they care about is having sex, and two
of em were having sex when her young Jason drowned at summer camp--and
isn't it great when Alice nails her with a fire poker, but she gets up and
starts talking in Jason's voice? Betsy Palmer, of "I've Got a Secret"
fame--and yes, indeed, Betsy has a secret. "Kill her, Mommy, kill her."
And that's Adrienne King as Alice, doing a fine job--she's a great
screamer, don't you think?--as we now watch the final brutal bloody
catfight between the innocent camp counselor and the demonic mother, in
the classic by producer/director Sean Cunningham, "Friday the
[fading] Was Betsy Palmer on "I've Got a Secret" or "What's
My Line?" What's Betsy's line? Serial killer. Uh, is my head cut off?
ERNIE (O.S.): We're working on that."
"Friday the 13th" Outro
"There you have it. The original
"Friday the 13th," and doesn't Jason Voorhees look weird when he comes up out of
Crystal Lake there at the end? We'll put that up on our board as we trace
the evolution of Jason. [attaching picture] Okay, right now he's kind of a
12-year-old zombie--very skinny. Not like the Jason we'll come to know and
love in later flicks. But they EXPLAIN that in the plots of these movies.
They really do. Anyhow, we're gonna watch "Friday the 13th, Part 2," in
just a minute here, and it does pick up just exactly where this one left
off; I think it happens two months later, in horror-film time.
first it's time for a special Halloween visit from someone whose evolution
I'D like to trace, if you know what I mean, [enters] our own TNT Mail
Girl, Rusty. I was gonna ask if you wanted to go trick-or-treating with me
later, but it looks like we're gonna be HERE all night.
Oh, that's a shame. And you have your costume on and
MAIL GIRL: No, it looks cute.
Anyway, I want you to know that I took a nice, long nap today so I could
make it through the night.
You took a nap?
MAIL GIRL: Uh
MAIL GIRL: Well, where else would I take
I just never thought about that. Were you wearing, like, a
little silk nightie? Or did you just strip down to your skivvies and sleep
MAIL GIRL: [beat, then] Boxer shorts and a t-shirt.
Okay? Can we move on now?
One of those little tight
MAIL GIRL: I don't have the letter I was originally gonna
bring out--I seem to have misplaced my mail bag, but I just found this one
in my dressing room. Maybe you can read IT.
It's not open yet.
[opens letter--done w/magazine cut-outs] Interesting
"You are through. Go back to where
you came from. I hate you."
It's not signed.
MAIL GIRL: One
of your happy fans, huh?
Where'd you get this?
MAIL GIRL: It
was sitting on the vanity in my dressing room.
envelope] Hey, guys, you forgot to put a stamp on the
MAIL GIRL: Maybe it's a threat from someone inside
No, it's these jokesters again. Real cute, guys. Ha ha. You're
gonna have to do better than that next time. [to Rusty] Hey, since we
can't go trick-or-treating, maybe later we can play
Pin-the-Tail-on-Joe-Bob. I'll blindfold you, and you can try and find my
MAIL GIRL: You just keep up that positive attitude.
Is that a yes or a no? That was a no, wasn't it? All right,
let's watch "Friday the 13th, Part 2." The story picks right up with the
same girl, Adrienne King, in the first scene, and I don't wanna give the
story away, but this is actually the FIRST film to star Jason himself. And
in some ways I think it's a little better made than the first one--they
spent some extra bucks on it. And those drive-in totals are: [totals don't
come on screen] Eleven dead bodies. One dead dog. Ice pick through the
skull. Uh, hello? Drive-in totals? Is there a reason they're not coming
ERNIE (O.S.): Uh, the chyron guy is missing.
here. The chyron guy is gone?
ERNIE (O.S.): Just finish the totals,
we'll find him.
Allll right. Where was I? Ice pick through the
skull. One strangulation. Claw hammer to the back of the head. Machete to
the throat. Cleaver through the head. Double spear through the body.
Machete to the shoulder. Pitchfork Fu. Chainsaw Fu. Four stars. Check it
out, and then we'll be back with more useless information to clog up your
brain and make you get senile faster.
[fading] You know, heads are
gonna roll around HERE if you guys don't quit messing around."
Note: Golden Compass cost over $180,000,000 to make and was such a big flop (grossing less than half of cost) that Warner Brothers took over New Line in February 2008, firing founder Robert Shaye and his partner Michael Lynne. Warner plans to let 40-year-old New Line continue to make edgier films including Final Destination 4 and a remake of Friday the 13th, and Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings sequel "Hobbit" is unlikely to be cancelled given his track record with JRR Tolkien movies.