Monstervision Host Segments for

Friday the 13th, Part 6:Jason Lives

Host segments for Friday the 13th, Part 6
"Friday the 13th Part 6:Jason Lives" Intro


[Joe Bob is asleep]
ERNIE (O.S.): Joe Bob?
[startled] What?
ERNIE (O.S.): Movie's over.
It's over? Okay, let's go to the board. Wait a minute, did I miss Part 6?
ERNIE (O.S.): No, you're okay.
Okay. Whoo! I actually feel kinda refreshed. All right, I guess we have to cover Part 4 here, too. Okay, here's Jason in Part 4, wearing pretty much the same ensemble as Part 3. He was played by the same guy who played "The Creature from the Black Lagoon," Ted White. Ted refused to socialize with the cast because he thought the other actors would lose their fear of him onscreen. Once during a break he wandered away for a minute and ran into a couple of stoned hippies, who looked at him and stopped dead in their tracks. Ted White said he heard em falling over brush for ten minutes screaming and yelling.

In Part 5, Jason was actually Roy the paramedic, which explains why he's wearing coveralls and a hockey mask WITHOUT the ax mark. They don't say who played Jason in Tommy's dreams, so I guess it was the same guy, Richard Wieand. I'm sure I'll get bombarded now by all the geeks who run "Friday the 13th" websites. I say that with the utmost affection and respect. I love you guys.

Okay, time for Part 6. This is the movie that asks the question, "Why should we try to kill him anymore?" You know, Jason's always had the ability to levitate himself all over Crystal Lake, jumpin out of refrigerators if he has to, in constant search of Teen Veal. And in this one, NOTHIN can kill him. Metal gatepost through his head--no problem for Jason. Eight pistol shots. Three shotgun blasts. Boulder dropped on his brain. Drownin. Nope. Don't work. But I've come up with the only REAL way to kill Jason. What would happen if you did the ONE THING that Jason couldn't stand, the ONE THING that would be just as deadly to Jason as Kryptonite is to Superman? What if Paramount Pictures refused to renegotiate Jason's contract? Would that make him mad or what? I can see him now, tryin to bust through backlot security to ENFORCE his sequel clause, to RESURRECT his videocassette rights. Now we're talkin movie. In the meantime, what we got is Jason gettin zapped back to life by a bolt of lightnin, sticking his fist through Arnold Horshack's stomach, and then sayin "Let's boogie." Oh, shoot, I didn't do the cards for the drive-in totals. We'll just do em orally. We have:

Fourteen dead bodies, including one girl who tries to buy off Jason with an American express card.
One dead undead body.
No breasts.
Fourteen gallons of blood (low for the series).
Face-eating worms.
Corpse-staking.
Teen shishkebobbing.
Two motor vehicle chases, one with crash-and-burn.
Bimbo's face shoved through a cheap prefab wall.
Knife through head.
Paint-the-room-red bimbo-jerking.
Head ripping.
Police officer head-compacting.
Dart through the forehead.
Sheriff crushing.
Head rolls.
Stomach rolls.
Arm rolls.
Leg rolls.
Gratuitous Boy Scout lesson.
Gratuitous June bug squishing.
Lightning Fu.
Whiskey bottle Fu.
Evinrude Fu.

Three stars.

Check it out and we'll be-- Just, check it out."


"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives" Commercial Break #1

"Part 6 had the same problems with the motion picture ratings board that Part 5 had, so basically we're not seeing diddly squat of the special effects. The best one we just missed is where Jason reached into Ron Palillo's stomach--that's Arnold Horshack--pulled out his guts and dropped his heart on the ground, where it lay there steaming. The MPAA made em cut THAT, and then, of course, TNT got a hold of it, and now it looks like he just gets PUSHED to death. You'd think at four in the morning they'd throw us a bone.

Did you guys recognize Tony Goldwyn in the VW bug? From "Ghost." And the cute redhead doin the ole mud-crawl was Nancy McLoughlin, the wife of writer/director Tom McLoughlin. He wanted to infuse a little satire into the series, hence all the lines like "I've seen enough horror movies to know that any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly." But I guess she DOESN'T know that any lake where 63 people have been brutally murdered by three different crazed psychopaths isn't a real good place to open up a SUMMER CAMP. Okay, roll it.

[fading] Some people take these movies really seriously. They write books called "Psychological Reflections on Cinematic Terror: Jungian Archetypes in Horror Films," and "Recreational Terror: Women & The Pleasures of Horror Film Viewing." And they say things like, "Maybe Jason is a sort of renaissance man in reverse, a return to the basic primal urges in man while forsaking our techno-modern utopia that negatively reinforces our hotheaded ambitions to pitchfork our neighbors to death, disembowel the cocky creeps and howl in the moonlight over their freshly flayed and gutted corpses." Yeah, and I'm a reverted adolescent with castration anxiety wearing a macho facade to attract the women I subliminally fear. Right? Okay, maybe I AM that. But still."


"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives" Commercial Break #2

"I personally feel that this is the first "Friday the 13th" where Jason is truly supernatural. One COULD make the case that he lived underwater for 22 years, and then he rose from the dead when his mother was decapitated by the lake. But someone says in one the sequels that he didn't drown after all, that he was just living some brain-damaged life in the woods the whole time. So I'm gonna go with that. But this one definitely features a zombie Jason. And the kid playing Tommy here is Thom Mathews from "Return of the Living Dead." Which is kinda thematic--

[lights flicker and then GO OUT. We see Joe Bob lit very dimly] What happened? [no answer] Ernie? I can't see a thing. Um, Chris, you wanna go to the movie and then come get me outta here?"


"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives" Commercial Break #3

[still dark, we BARELY see Joe Bob bumping around in the dark] What'd I do with that flashlight? Dang, it's dark in here--ow! Where is everybody? Dave, can you turn off that camera and help me?


"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives" Commercial Break #4

[set is lit with flashlights, candles, lava lamp] Are we rolling?
CAMERAMAN (O.S.): Yeah.
Okay, it's just me and Dave now. I said I'd stay up with you guys, and I'm gonna stay up with you guys. I'm sure this is all a big joke on the part of my crew, who will all be fired on Monday. Dave, can you see me okay? Wait, I got it. [opens refrigerator, light goes on] Now I can see, AND grab an Old Milwaukee, since the night is almost over. I admit it--I did stash one or two cans in here. What's this? [takes script out of fridge--there's blood on it]
Ernie's script? Hey, Ernie, wherever you are! I've seen the strawberry jelly bit! I know it's not blood! [touches it] "It's blood. Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go hide now." [takes off]


"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives" Commercial Break #5

[set is lit the same way, fridge open. Handmade sign propped up on chair reads "Roll the flick."]


"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives" Commercial Break #6

[set is lit the same way, fridge open. Handmade sign propped up on chair reads "Now for the thrilling conclusion of 'Friday the 13th Part VI.'"]


"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives" Outro

"Joe Bob Briggs here, apologizing to Ted for anything bad I've ever said about him. Ted, it was all in jest, but if you took any of it seriously, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sure we can work this out. I've tried to do the best show I could. I can tone it down a little if that's what you want. Maybe have Jane on for Barbarella--would you like that? Or even "On Golden Pond." We can make it more of a family show. I'll stop talkin about women's patooties all the time and-- [WHITE NOISE, SCREEN GOES TO SNOW STATIC]

Back to Monstervision
Or
Joe Bob's review of Friday the 13th, Part 4 as printed the week it came out
Joe Bob's review of Friday the 13th part 7: The New Blood
Joe Bob's review of Friday the 13th part 8: Jason takes Manhattan
If he can make it there, he can make it anywhere


Alice Cooper's promo for Friday The 13th 6: Man Behind The Mask

courtesy MTV
Fun facts:
Alice Cooper and his original band made the song "The Man With the Golden Gun" intended for the James Bond movie of the same name (1974), but the movie producers deemed Alice "too controversial" and went with another song of the same title sung by Lulu for the movie. The Alice version of "Man with the Golden Gun" appears on the band's 1974 album, "Muscle of Love." He later did the title song "He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)" for Friday The 13th sequel "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" (1986)
Host segment transcript for 10/31/98 broadcast 1998 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved