Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

Friday the 13th, part 7: The New Blood

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)

movie poster Jason's still slicing up the teen veal, but his cleaver has turned a little droopy in this sequel that plays like FIRESTARTER with modern gardening equipment. Jason gets psycho-tele-Drew-Barrymored up out of the bottom of Crystal Lake where he's been getting moldy and losing hunks out of his face for the last year. Hot babe Lar Park Lincoln is trying to use her ESP brainwaves to suck her Daddy back up from the bottom of the lake since she feels guilty about making a pier collapse on him 10 years earlier by thinking real hard about how much she hated him for being a drunk. It's one of those things where she kind of scrunches up her eyes and stares at you like you just told her her panty-hose were ugly, and then your head explodes. What we end up with is a Jason-Buster. Jason out of line? Wham! Drop a telephone pole on him. Jason hacking off too many people? Kaplooey! Levitate a TV set onto his head. But first Jason has to kill quite a few yupsters for the usual excellent reasons--one because she's ugly, four for having sex out of wedlock, two for having sex in a van, two for having sex and smoking dope at the same time, one for urinating in the woods, two for skinny-dipping (always a no-no), two for letting their car break down, and one for being a psychiatrist. The big innovation in this sequel is they give Jason some kind of high-tech farm-implement sickle-and-spike stainless-steel Teen Chopper. One is literally PRUNED to death.
Seventeen dead bodies. (Twenty-four if you count the seven times Jason dies).
Five breasts.
One motor vehicle crash.
Heads roll.
Aardvarking in a van.
Aardvarking in a tent.
Aardvarking.
Throat spiking.
Dagger throwing (bulls-eye).
Sleeping-bag bashing.
Fist-through-spinal-cord elective surgery.
Excellent Poltergeist ripoff effects.
Brain-axing.
Head squeezing.
Face spiking.
Stomach knifing.
Machete-neck-hacking.
Nails-to-the-face.
Great stupid ending.
Pier Fu.
Sickle Fu.
Weedeater Fu.
Levitating Panasonic Fu.
With Jennifer Sullivan as Melissa, the girl so bitchy she deserves to die for makeup alone, and Kane Hodder as Jason. 3 stars

2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.

"Friday the 13th, part 7" availability on video and on DVD

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