a Birk, Prestigious Deacons, and Members of the NCAA Football 99 Congregation: "It is with great joy that I do humbly come to thee once again to bring thee the 'Football Simulation Gospel'. After some measure of personal crisis, (I will explain in depth soon) I felt that this Church Picnic was a wonderful way to urn to thine beloved pulpit."

It is an uplifting sight to see this packed house here at Mountaineer Field. What a blessing to see all 63,500 seats filled to capacity with thousands more standing upon these hallowed grounds around the playing field. Da Birk and the Deacons have done a fabulous job preparing our pot luck dinner which we will partake of after tonight's Sermon. Thank you Dear Brethren. I feel it appropriate to begin tonight's service with a rousing rendition of the Mountaineer Fight Song. So if thou wilt stand with me and....

"Hey, you on the podium!"

"Excuse me brother?"

"Yes, you, Reverend scrub-guy"

"Wherefore art thou? Step forth and speak thine peace brother."

"I ain't your brother, you ain't no reverend, and NCAA Football 99 is a pitiful game. Gamebreaker 99 rules! You verbose Jerk!"

"Brother Da Birk, doest thou knowest this man?"

"No Reverend, I do not know this man and his insane babblings!"

"Deacons hath thou invited this gentlemen to our service, as I see he doth surely need to hear 'The Word'.

The Deacons look at each other in curious dismay and reply with a hearty:

"No Reverend, shall we remove him from the premises?"

"Not just yet, I want this to be a spiritual gathering as this is the most hallowed of Stadiums."

"Yeah well too bad 'Reverend What's your face?'. I am the head of the Gamebreaker 99 Development team and I don't think you or this 'Da Birk character' or your so called 'Deacons' have now nor never did have an ounce of football in you in the first place."

"Sir, thou must refrain from such ludicrous uttering and take thine seat, I feel thou mayest learn something."

"Shut up you bum, I brought my staff here today to see if you had any guts to go with your stupid Sermons."

"Just how shall we determine that Dear Heckling Brother?"

"We have a football stadium, I have my staff and I say let's lace 'em up, strap 'em on, tee it up and go for broke Reverend goofball."

The crowd of 70,00 plus roars into a chant of "Do it Rev, Do it Rev, Do it Rev." The Reverend raises his arms bringing to mind Moses standing before the Red Sea and with a grin that even he cannot deny is evil turns to Da Birk and Deacon's Row and proclaims with a loud and thunderous voice -

"You heard the man, let's do this!"

The Gamebreaker 99 staff wins the toss and with the crowd of NCAA Football 99 partisans in an absolute frenzy of excitement, this impromptu game of lifetime is about to be underway.

In a flash, from out of the tunnel in the north end zone Brother Da Birk comes charging onto the field followed by the Deacons and the Reverend to an absolutely deafening, thunderous ovation. They are clad in Black Jerseys with Metallic Blue numbers, black pants with a Metallic Blue lightning bolt down the side and their helmets have NCAA 99 inscribed on them with an overlay design that is no doubt falling hail fire and brimstone. Obviously, Da Birk and The Reverend are prepared for anything.

Deacon Sammy has the ball teed up and the crowd explodes as he puts his foot into it. A gorgeous picture perfect kick sails deep into the end zone and can you believe it the GB Staff player is bringing out from nine yards deep? He is at the five, the ten, and oh my heavens a black and blue blur of mass destruction known to all as Da Birk hits him at the eleven, his feet leave the ground, he sails all the way back to the five and lands with a painful thud. Wait a minute, he is not moving, it is clear to see already that the GB Staff may have bitten off more than they can chew, as their return man is carried off the field.

First and ten for GB and they come out in a spread formation, Da Birk's squad lines up in an unusual version of the 3-4 which I believe came from the play submission section. The GB QB takes the snap, drops back and wow there comes Deacon Bob U from his Defensive End position and he just decapitated the ol' QB in the end zone for a safety. Boy did that hurt or what?

All right folks, 2 - 0, NCAA 99 on top ready to receive the kickoff.... It is wobbly and short, Deacon 3Man gathers it in at the 15, cuts to his right, gets a crushing block from Deacon Paul, hits the sideline, the 25, the 30, the 35, and you can turn out the lights he is going to go the distance. Talk about speed to burn Deacon 3Man got a block and it was over for the GB Staff, an 85-yard touchdown return and I do not think he even broke a sweat. The extra point is good which increases the NCAA 99 lead to 9 -0.

There is the kick, it is another beauty, taken at the goal-line, here comes the GB return man, to the five, the...jumping jail bate Batman there is Da Birk from out of nowhere again, the GB player's head jerks back and the ball is loose!!...It bounces at the five, Deacon Paul scoops it up on the run and he is into the end zone for another NCAA 99 score. The extra point is good. It is now 16 - 0 and this one is getting out of hand already.

What is this? The Reverend is preparing to kickoff. Here he comes, it is an on side kick, bodies are flying everywhere, there is a huge pile-up. Deacon Noles Fan in NE emerges from the pile with the ball like a thief in the night! NCAA 99 ball on the GB 35-yard line.

Deacon Mar-T steps under center, barks out the signals, Deacon 3Man goes in motion, Mar-T drops back, he has all day, looks deep, he lets it fly, a beautiful spiral, Deacon Drew Brees Fan is flying downfield all alone, he hauls it in at the five and high steps to pay dirt. What a throw and catch, and these guys are both quarterbacks, man that was a thing of beauty. The extra point brings our score to NCAA 99 - 23 GB Staff - 0.

There is the gun ending the first quarter. After a three and out by the GB staff the NCAA 99 team has it first and ten their own 15 yard line thanks to a lucky bounce on the GB Staff punt. Deacon Drew Brees Fan takes the snap, hands off to 3Man...it's a reverse, 3Man pitches back to Deacon Noles Fan in NE, he's got a crease, he's at the 25, the 30, the 35, the 40, oh what a move, the GB Staff free safety literally fell down, and he is gone - touchdown NCAA 99. What a run, this guy does not leave tracks in the snow. The extra point is good and it is now 30 - 0.

GB Staff has the ball first and ten at their own 10 yard line. There is the snap, pitch left to the tailback, and down he goes. Da Birk came up from his free safety position and knocked the guy right out of his helmet. Second down, there is the snap; it is a screen the blocks are out there.... Look out, Deacon Sammy smashes through the convoy, takes out three pulling linemen and The Reverend gobbles up the running back like a loaf of bread and two fish. Third down, the snap, it's an all out blitz, here they come, Da Birk is closing in, the Reverend is playing centerfield, Deacon Bob U is manhandling the left tackle, and Deacon Paul comes clean up the middle and lays out the GB Quarterback. I have never seen such a tenacious defensive effort.

Following a poor GB Staff punt, Da Birk's NCAA 99 squad has it 1st and 10 at their own 40-yard line. Deacon Mar T takes the snap, and gives to Deacon Bob U up the middle for a bruising 6-yard gain. This guy is a load. Mar T pivots, pitches to 3Man, he breaks a tackle, and another, he stiff arms the free safety, cuts left and he is in the clear! The 50, the 45, the 40, no one is gonna catch this guy from behind, and Mar T goes in for the score. The PAT is good and it is now NCAA 99 - 37 GB Staff - zero.

Again, the GB squad has their backs against their own endzone. First and 10, the QB takes the snap drops back, gets flushed out of the pocket by Deacon Bob U and Deacon Paul, he iss in trouble, and oh what a collision, Da Birk and The Reverend just had themselves an early dinner as they simultaneously met at the quarterback and sent him plummeting to the ground in a crumpled mass of destruction and pain.

Second down, the snap, the GB signal caller throws quick out to.... It is picked off, Deacon Sammy steps in front of the intended receiver and now he is headed into the end zone untouched. Talk about cat-like reflexes. Wow! There is the PAT and it is now 44 - zero. Here is the kickoff, no, again it is an on side, the ball takes a high bounce and it is loose, Deacon Noles Fan in NE snatches it out of mid air, nothing but green and celebration in front of him and he is taking it in for yet another NCAA 99 touchdown. Precision like this is astounding! The extra point is good. 51 - 0 in favor of Da Birk and the Deacons with The Reverend and we have just two minutes left in the first half.

First and 10 for the GB staff and they need points in the worst kind of way. The crowd is chanting: O-V-E-R R-A-T-E-D, O-V-E-R R-A-T-E-D! The quarterback drops back, here comes Bob U again, he tries to scramble, Paul is on his heels, he pivots and throws a lame duck deep, he has a man, and can you believe it? In true Darrel Green and Prime Time fashion, Da Birk and The Reverend baited the GB Staff QB into that throw, Da Birk leaps high into the air and makes an unreal fingertip catch, The Reverend arrives just in time to send the intended receiver reeling out of bounds and Da Birk is racing back up field.... Deacon Sammy is now clearing a path for him, another great block by Bob U, Deacon Paul springs him into the clear and he is now at the 15, the 10, the 5 and Da Birk is into the end zone! Touchdown NCAA 99! The PAT makes it NCAA 99 - 58 GB Staff - zero.

Here is the ensuing kickoff, the GB Staff return guy is at the 10, the 20, and the 25.... Ooohhhhhhh put the women and children to bed, did you see that hit. Deacon Sammy just tattooed the Riddell symbol onto this player's chest. 1st and 10 GB Staff. The quarterback drops back, he throws to the sideline and there is Deacon Drew Brees Fan to pick it off, he breaks a tackle, he has hemmed in....look out, he laterals to Deacon Mar T who races to paydirt. This is not even fair anymore. WOW! These guys are putting on a clinic. The extra point makes it 65 - 0.

Well, it is just about halftime and..... Wait a minute. What is this? A huge white towel just came hurtling out onto the field from the Gamebreaker Staff sideline. The Reverend sees the commotion and motions for Da Birk to accompany him over to see what is going on. The crowd is about to reinvent the Richter Scale Settings. This place is a madhouse. What? Can you believe this? They quit? No way! What? Yes the Gamebreaker 99 Staff team is giving up! Ladies and gentlemen, it was obvious from the start that they were overmatched and outgunned and they want no more. This game is being called as it stands. The final score will go down as NCAA Football 99 - 65 and the Gamebreaker 99 Staff - zero!

The Reverend is now once again taking the podium so let's listen in:

"Well Dear Brethren, that is what I call a real Holy Ghost kind stomping. The phrase 'Out behind the woodshed' comes to mind. I feel that I should hold off on the Message until our next church service as nothing I could say could possibly top the game you Dear Brethren just witnessed!"

Surely thou beloved members of our blessed congregation can take this one parting thought with thee as you leave the stadium tonight:

"Imitation is, has been and always will be the truest form of flattery, and a pretender is never going to be anything more than just exactly that!! So I say unto thee Dear Brethren, Do not pretend to play the finest football simulation ever, but rather do so. And that, my good Brethren can only be accomplished by Playing NCAA Football 99 and keeping in touch with Da Birk's NCAA Football 99 website and possibly attending a few good services here at Da Birk's NCAA 99 Cybernacle."