Baseball and Football
What is a hermit?
Little Leaguer: Dad,
what does a ballplayer do when his eyesight starts going bad?
Why does a pitcher raise one
leg when he pitches?
Why was the new shortstop like Cinderella?
do you get if you cross a lizard with a baseball player?
eighteen legs and catches flies?
Little League Vampire: Dad,
what's the best way to hold a bat?
Why did the Brookside Angels have a ghost on their team?
To add a little team spirit.
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, ""Very well, But you realize that we've got all the good players, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and the best coaches."
The devil snickered, "I know, and that's all right, We've got all the umpires."
A baseball scout found a remarkable prospect--a horse who was a pretty good fielder and who hit the ball every time he was up at bat. The scout got him a try-out with a big league team. Up at bat, the horse slammed the ball into far left field and stood at the plate, watching it go. "Run!" the manager screamed, "Run!" "Are you kidding?" answered the horse. "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby."
"Did you hear the joke about the fast pitch?"
Never mind, you just missed it."
"Did you hear the joke about the pop fly?"
"Never mind. It's way over your head."
"Did you hear the joke about your pitching style?"
"Never mind. It's foul."
The Umpire Is Always Right
The greatest hitter in the world
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.
When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and bail carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Baseball in Heaven
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?
"The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"
A Spaniard name Jose came to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game. To his dismay he found that all the seats were sold out. However, the management gave him a high seat by the flagpole. When he returned to his home country his friends asked him, "What kind of people are those Americans?" He said, "Fine people, they gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started that all stood up and sang 'Jose can you see.'"
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