If I did not feel wrong for the mistakes I make, I would be a shallow person.
I?m not shallow.

A stroke of genius in my favor, for telling events with certain measure.

I Burn.

Disappear for the day
That last entry was late last night after mush drinking at a party. I wish I was not as repetitive. Today went to waste, woke up at 9 and did nothing but recover from the poison. Watched 3 moves, and gained some unhealthy sleep. My body is sore from the gym yesterday, and I finally went to the store at 11pm, just to say I did something. I get so alone some times. Then I think of Lindsay, then I get sad. Se doing well, at a tournament all weaken. Her ambition at that age will all ways surprise me. That?s one of the thing I love about her. well Im making a list of things to do tomorrow so all keep busy. but Over all, im enjoying my life.

Crying Down The Empty Bottle
Do my own thing, and drink to hearts content. I cared so much for people around me. Watch there drinks, watch who they talked to. Refused to let some go home with others. I care so much. But the one I care the most about is 200 miles away. I feel so helpless, so god damn helpless. I see the worst in men, and the anger in man. I hate it all, I want to be there for her. I want to protect her from all the pain I see. I want to stop crying in my fears. I want to stop. Stop checking the phone every 5 min, stop wondering if your alright. I hate all men, I hate myself. I?m a piece of shit. I hate being so nice, I hate being so concerned. I hate letting others love me. Damn it. Why must I get so fearful, I?m so demanding, I?m so pathetic. I see other couples and want that love, I see my self and know I got it. I?m in love and she loves me. But I feel bad. So bad for the distance so bad for the way I makes both of us feel. So bad that I can?t hold her each night, so bad that I can wake to that beautiful face. So bad that I can bee there. Why must I live this way, always in complication. Why must I suffer. I know not of any acts tonight. I know only of the night mare my mind shows me. I think the worst, and pray that does not happen. I an broken and I cant call. Why, why must I wait. damn the phone, damn the msg. Damn you all that taunt me. I?m in love, and I feel there is nothing I can do to fully express it. Please be safe in the morning, or I can?t go on.

Breath Deep
These times are so accepting and yet my mind is unbelieving. It is so, and that happiness now comes too easy. I?ve often seen the world with a tortured soul. Can a dream become so real? I?m Undeserving, and accepting everything. I must be prejudice, I must judge, I must lead. But help me so and keep the interest, help to believe, help for myself.
Breath Deep.

I?ll talk about the good things later.
Words cannot possibly describe my Anger right now.

?Lord, please save me from your followers?

Silver flame in lanterns light
Must I be so argumentative, if only for the better. But I only hear of the worst. I curse my own words, I wish all things to be better. Still not, shall I ever win? Still not, will my words betaken so far. What do I want more than the tongue of a dreamer? Nothing. To speak only in beauty, and be the Giver. That?s not me, I am hurtful.I am sad, but I see only the best in others. I?m a perfect Optimist. So said is the life of this dreamer. Dreamer by heart but flawed, with a human mind. No need to continue; no need to speak on matters I concern. I fail with instinct, I fail with conceits. Damn all men in my world, damn all shadows in my sleep. Must I follow my own nature? I?ll be the Martyr.


Its been a long week at school. Tests, and heavy reading with lack of books. ?But nothing else matters any more. When I?m with you.? I get to go Lindsay, and hang with the Fokes. I need this break, well off to go play Obsession.
Thanks for the beautiful poem Lin.
(I love every thing you do for me)

I feel sick
Sick of school, sick of friends. Things just build and build, every ones in a bad mood. Every ones got problems now. No ones talking any more. 2 more days, 2 more days to fight the masses. 2 more days till I don?t care. No more angst, no more gossiped. I hate it all. People just forget how to get along over night. My names bob, and I had a bad day. It must be your fault. Must I care any more? Fix my problem, and ill show no credit. Help me out and I never return it. To each his own. To each myself. O me, to my own side of things, to my own anger at all. My anger will join, join the many and grow. No
I do not like hate, nor to I know of its advantage. Hate = pain, pain is appealing to some people. Not me, I wish not to grow with this custom.
And it pains me, to say I hate people.

Long Nails

Such a distance makes me Sad. This is so hard to endure each night. I live my own worries in my sleep. I awake each morning to a cold side; hoping to see your face in the morning. Then I want to cry. I want to scream out in a blind anger. So mad at what I must accept, Each morning.

Such a absence makes me Worry. Jealousy consumes my heart. I hate all thing near you. I hate my self for such reckless timing. Daily antics I wish to effect. Many names of which I know of no intent. A late night insight to a deeper understanding, but only said by tongue. So much I wish to know, Cut short.

Such a Person makes me Love. Unspeakable devotion, kingly respect. Assurance so unguarded, so pure I want to never awake from this fairytale. So perfect. I want it to last, and I want to be there. Such an aggressive passion, such a tender mind. The way of hope. So little I understand, Wanting more.

Such things that make me Regret.
Nothing.

For Us.

Just another Death.
My Shadow dream has resurfaced in my sleep. I?ve all most gone a year this time. Its always changing, the faces change, the objects change, the world is always different. Yet the same thing happens. I still get just as scared as when I was 6. Waking up to a cold sweet, dry mouth, and exhausted. I?ve had the same dream, for years, and I still can?t explain it, I can?t even remember it. I just know the feeling; I know nothing of how to describe it. I?ve yet to encounter any thing in my life that can come close to describe it.
What I do know?
I feel helpless, forced to fight. I?m not fighting to win. I can?t win. I fight, so I can live long and fight some more.

It make no since.