================================
Shah Pravinchandra Kasturchand's
ENGLISH HUMOUR PAGE
================================
<
Freedom to laugh loudly,very loudly
==========================
MUNNABHAI MBBS DICTIONARY
Dinesh Vora
==========================
[1] Antibody - Against everyone
[2] Artery - The study of fine paintings
[3] Bacteria - Back door to a cafeteria
[4] Benign - What you be after you be eight
[5] Bowel - Letters like a,e,i,o,u
[6] Caesarian Section - A district in Rome
[7] Cardiology - Advanced study of Poker playing
[8] Cat Scan - Searching for lost kitty
[9] Chronic - Neck of a crow
[10] Coma - Punctuation mark
[11] Cortisone - Area around local court
[12] Cyst - A short for sister
[13] Diagnosis - Person with slanted nose
[14] Dilate - The late British Princess Diana
[15] Dislocation - In this place
[16] Duodenum - Couple in blue jeans
[17] Enema - Not a friend
[18] False Labor - Pretending to work
[19] Genes - Blue denim
[20] Groin - To mash to a pulp / smile
[21] Hernia - She is close by
[22] Hymen - Greeting to several males
[23] Impotent - distinguished / well-known
[24] Labor Pain - Hurt at work
[25] Lactose - People without feet
[26] Lymph - Walk unsteadily
[27] Menopause - Men no wait
[28] Microbes - Small dressing gowns
[29] Obesity - City of Obe
[30] Pacemaker - Winner of Nobel Peace Prize
[31] Protein - in favor of teens
[32] Pulse – Grain
[33] Pus - Small cat
[34] Red Blood Count – Dracula
[35] Rupture – Ecstasy
[36] Secretion – Hiding anything
[37] Subcutaneous – Not cute enough
[38] Suture - Gujrati for "what do you want"
[39] Tablet - Small table
[40] Tumor - Extra pair
[41] Ultrasound - Radical noise
[42] Urine - Opposite of you are out
[43] Varicose - Very close
[44] Vas Deferens – Extremely different
[45] Vein - At what time?
[46] Vitreous Humor –Both witty & fun
=========================================
======================
Humor from Great Minds
======================
1. As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes, and I can't
remember the other two...
-- Sir Norman Wisdom
2. One of the most difficult things in
the world is to convince a woman that even
a bargain costs money.
-- Edgar Watson Howe
3. A true friend is one who overlooks
your failures and tolerates your success!
-- Doug Larson
4. A harmful truth is always better then
...a useful lie!
-- Eric Bolton
5. When I was a kid I used to pray every
night for a new bike. Then I realized that
The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Erno Philips
6. I only go to work on days that don't
end in a 'y'.
-- Robert Paul
7. We spend the first twelve months of
our children's liv! es teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling
them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller
8. Laughter is the closest distance
between two people.
-- Victor Borge
9. Start every day with a smile and
get it over with.
-- W.C. Fields
10. Everything is funny as long as
it is happening to somebody else.
-- Will Rogers
11. Always get married early in
the morning. That way, if it doesn't
work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney
12. Women now have choices. They can
be married, not married, have a job, not
have a job, be married with children,
unmarried with children. Men have the
same choice we've always had: work or prison.
-- Tim Allen
13. If you never want to see a man again,
say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want
to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
-- Rita Rudner
14. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't
want to be there when it happens.
-- Woody Allen
15. Advice is what we ask for when
we already know the answer but wish we
didn't.
-- Erica Jong
16. Don't take life too seriously,
you'll never get out of it alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard
17. Always and never are two words
you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson
18. In life, it's not who you know
that's important, it's how your wife
found out.
-- Joey Adams
19. I've been in love with the same
woman for forty-one years. If my wife
finds out, she'll kill me.
-- Henry Youngman
20. Have you noticed that all the
people in favor of birth control are
already born ?
-- Benny
12/28/2006
=======================================
==============================
Funny Quotes by Great Minds
Which make u laugh
till u fall.........
==============================
1. Every man should get married
some time; after all,happiness
is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous
2. Bachelors should be heavily
taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
3. Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
4. I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
5. A psychiatrist is a person who
will give you expensive answers
that your wife will give you for
free.
--Anonymous
6. Bachelors know more about women
than married men; if they didn't,
they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
7. Men have a better time than
women; for one thing, they marry
later; for another thing, they
die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
8. "A man without a woman is like
a fish without a bicycle."
- U2
9. Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering
10.When a newly married couple
smiles, everyone knows why. When
a ten-year married couple smiles,
everyone wonders why.
11.Love is blind but marriage is
an eye-opener.
12.When a man opens the door of
his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car
is new or the wife.
13. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
14. I asked my wife, "Where do
you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Some where I have never
been!" I told her, "How about the
kitchen?"
--Anonymous
15. We always hold hands. If I let
go, she shops
16. My wife was in beauty saloon
for two hours. That was only for
the estimate.
--Anonymous
17.She got a mudpack and looked
great for two days. Then the mud
fell off.
--Anonymous
18. She ran after the garbage
truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" Following her
down the street I yelled, "No,
jump in."
--Anonymous
19. Badd Teddy recently explained
to me why he refuses to get to
married. He says "the wedding rings
look like miniature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous
20. If your dog is barking at the
back door and your wife yelling
at the front door, who do you let
in first?
The Dog of course... at least
he'll shut up after u let him in!
--Anonymous
21.A man placed some flowers on
the grave of his dearly parted
mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling
at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, 'Why did u
have to die? Why did you have to
die?" The first man approached
him and said, "Sir, I don't wish
to interfere with your private
grief, but this demonstration of
pain in is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so?
Deeply? A child? A parent?"The
mourner took a moment to
collect himself, then replied
"My wife's first husband."
22.A couple came upon a wishing
well. The husband leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish,
too. But she leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a
while but then smiled "
It really works
12/26/2006
=================================
============
Short Jokes
============
Once in a jungle all the animals
were eating PAN PARAG PAN MASALA
But girraffe was not eating. Why?
Because Oonche log oonchi pasand
MANIKCHAND
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Girl's excuses:
Phone mat kiya karo dear,
mom hoti hai near,
papa se lagta hai fear,
baat nahin hoti hai clear
Isliye SMS kiya karo dear
without fear n very clear
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ ++
Q: Agar do pipal ke Pedon ko ek rassi se
baandh diya jaye to us rassi ko kya kahenge?
A: Us rassi ko bolengey NOKIA - Connecting pipal
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Ek yug tha jab log apne ghar ke dwar pe
likhte the: ATITHI DEVO BHAVA
Phir likha: SHUBH LABH
Phir likhne lage: U R WELCOME
Aur ab likhte hain: KUTTON SE SAVDHAN
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Khuda kare tujhe khushiyan hazaar mile,
mujhse bhi achche yaar mile,
meri galfriend tujhe raakhi baandhe
aur tujhe ek aur behan ka pyar mile
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper
that we use to write one exam.
Join us in promoting the noble cause
of saving trees. SAY NO TO EXAMS
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Ek ladka ek ladki k saath baitha tha.
2nd day doosri ladki k saath deha gaya.
3rd day koi aur ladki thi.
4th day kisi nayi ladki ke saath tha
Moral: Ladkiyan badal jaati hain, ladke nahin
badaltey
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate hue): Nahin sir.
Boss: Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++
12/9/2006
===============================
=======================
GRE Vs Normal
=======================
**********************************
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their
abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to
refrain from catapulting perilous
projectiles.
A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses
should not throw stones.
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate,asteroid minim.
NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
********* ********* *********
GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with
resplendence are not truly auriferous.
NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not
gold.
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must
be interdicted.
NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of
rendering any testimony.
NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
************ ********* ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.
NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate
accumulates no congeries of small, green,biophytic
plant.
NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical
plumage tend to congregate.
NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous
profundity.
NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is
contiguous to rectitude.
NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of
precipitately departed lactile fluid.
NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to
indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative
maneuvers.
NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new
tricks
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate
cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal
cachinnation.
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous
chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion
renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a
dull boy.
************ ********* *********
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours
having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous
materials, there is conflagration.
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
10/2/2006
************** END***************
=======================
Why Boys visit Temples?
=======================
A temple is the only place where
boys can find:
Pooja
Bhavana
Shraddha
Arati
Archana
Aradhana
Shanti
Jyoti
and finally
MUKTI
9/30/2006
===============
Humor from Great Minds
========================
�As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes, and
I can't remember the other two...�
Sir Norman Wisdom
�One of the most difficult things in
the world is to convince a woman
that even a bargain costs money.�
Edgar Watson Howe
�A true friend is one who overlooks
your failures and tolerates your
success!�
Doug Larson
�A harmful truth is always better
then...a useful lie!�
Eric Bolton
�When I was a kid I used to pray
every night for a new bike. Then
I realized that The Lord doesn't
work that way, so I stole one
and asked him to forgive me.�
Erno Philips
� I only go to work on days that
don't end in a 'y'.�
Robert Paul
�We spend the first twelve months
of our children's liv! es teaching
them to walk and talk and the
next twelve telling them to sit
down and shut up.�
Phyllis Diller
�Laughter is the closest distance
between two people.�
Victor Borge
�Start every day with a smile and
get it over with.�
W.C. Fields
�Everything is funny as long as it
is happening to somebody else.�
Will Rogers
�Always get married early in the
morning. That way, if it doesn't
work out, you haven't wasted a
whole day.�
Mickey Rooney
�Women now have choices. They
can be married, not married, have
a job, not have a job, be married
with children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've
always had: work or prison.�
Tim Allen
�If you never want to see a man
again, say, 'I love you, I want to
marry you. I want to have children...
' - they leave skid marks.�
Rita Rudner
�I'm not afraid to die. I just don't
want to be there when it happens.�
Woody Allen
�Advice is what we ask for when
we already know the answer but
wish we didn't.�
Erica Jong
�Don't take life too seriously, you'll
never get out of it alive.�
Elbert Hubbard
�Always and never are two words
you should always remember never
to use.�
Wendell Johnson
�In life, it's not who you know that's
important, it's how your wife found
out.�
Joey Adams
�I've been in love with the same
woman for forty-one years. If my
wife finds out, she'll kill me.�
Henry Youngman
�Have you noticed that all the people
in favor of birth control are already
born ?�
Benny Hill
" Nothin is Impossible in this world.
The word Impossible itself says I'm
Possible"
Hussain
11/13/2005
=======END=========
===============
Is this sense of humor?
===============
1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and
I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy
every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because
it's illegal to kill them.
4. Don't take life too seriously;
No one gets out alive.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the
beer holder.
6. I'm not a complete idiot --
Some parts are missing.
7. Out of my mind.
Back in five minutes.
8. God must love stupid people;
He made so many.
9. Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.
10. Being "over the hill" is much
better than being under it!
11. Wrinkled Was Not One of the
things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
12. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
13. A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance
14. Stupidity is not a handicap.
Park elsewhere!
15. A picture is worth a thousand
words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
16. Ham and eggs - A day's work for a
chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
17. The trouble with life is there's no
background music.
18. I smile! Because I don't know
what the hell is going on
======END=============
======================
*Students Study Stupidity Seriously*
==========================
STUDENT: But I don't think I deserve a zero
on this exam.
TEACHER: Neither do I, but it's the lowest
mark I can give you.
-------------
FATHER: How are your grades, son?
SON: Under water, Dad.
FATHER: Under water? What do you mean?
SON: They're below C level
--------------
Girl: What did you get that little medal for?
Boy: For singing
Girl: What did you get the big one for?
Boy: For stopping!
---------------
A team of engineers were required to
measure the height of a flag pole.
They only had a measuring tape,
and were getting quite frustrated
trying to keep the tape along the pole.
It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician
comes along, finds out their problem, and
proceeds to remove the pole from the
ground where he can measure it easily.
When he leaves, one engineer says to
the other: "Just like a mathematician!
We needed to know the height, and he
gave us the length!"
------------------
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed
my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil �till I get there
------------------
Why did your sister separate the thread
from the needle ?
Because the needle had something
in it's eye.
------------------
Billy: Do you write with your right or
left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil!
-------------------
Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look
through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window
--------------------
=======END===========
====================
!&@$ Light Humour/Humor $@&!
====================
------------------------------------------
Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
------------------------------------------
Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers
harrasing students
------------------------------------------
Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard
work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday
-------------------------------------------
Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?......
japan
-------------------------------------------
Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a
lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to
attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to
go so far!!!
--------------------------------------------
Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example
of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father
got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only
after I was born.
---------------------------------------------
Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,
potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is
my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:Right you are.How do you
know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old
and she is half mad.
----------------------------------------------
Student:(to teacher)Ma'am my pen
has run out of ink.
Teacher:Go run after it.
----------------------------------------------
Teacher:Ramu,get up.How can you
sleep in my class?
Ramu:I can teacher,if you keep you
voice down.
--------------------------------------------
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our
bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy
bangs on the door and says, 'God,
are you still in there?'
-------------------------------------------
Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,
answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight
--------------------------------------------
========END=============
============
BODY CABINET
============
BRAIN - PRIME MINISTER
HEAD - EDUCATION MINISTER
EAR - COMMUNICATION MINISTER
STOMACH - FOOD AND AGRICULTURE MINISTER
HEART - FINANCE MINISTER
HAND - LABOUR MINISTER
NOSE - HEALTH MINISTER
TEETH - INDUSTRIAL AND CIVIL SUPPLIES MINISTER
EYES - LAW MINISTER
SKIN - DEFENCE MINISTER
LEG - TRANSPORT MINISTER
TONGUE - MINISTER FOR INFORMATION AND BROADCASTING
LUNGS - HOME MINISTER
8:45 AM 5/5/2005
======end=======
===================
Rebuild same word
==================
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
8:59 AM 5/13/2005
======END==========
=======================
DO YOU KNOW THESE AGES?
=======================
1.AGE THAT IS VISIBLE - IMAGE
2.AGE THAT IS HEAVY - LUGGAGE
3.AGE THAT IS YOUNG - TEENAGE
4.AGE THAT IS CHARGED- POSTAGE
5.AGE THAT BRINGS NEWS- MESSAGE
6.AGE THAT FACE DANGER- COURAGE
7.AGE THAT IMPRISONS - CAGE
8.AGE MADE IN HEAVEN - MARRIAGE
2:22 PM 4/17/2005
====end====
=======================
Why will India lose World Cup 2006?
Experts will let you know that 2008.
10:16 AM 2/15/2005
=======================
==================
Did I read that sign right?
==================
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER
STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG
AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU
HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD
ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK
====End=====
===============================
SMS COLLECTION
===============================
1) Dil mein aansuyo ke mele hain
Tum bin hum bohat akele hain
Sab kuch chod kar tumeh MMS karte hain
Dekho hum kitne vele hain
* vele = lazy (vele is a Punjabi word)
2.Har desh ki ek sarhadd hoti hai
bache ki bhi ek jidd hoti hai
aur kitna intzaar karru tere sms ka
Kanjosi ki bhi koi hadd hoti hai
3.kayi raaz aise hote hain jo dikhaye nahi jaate
kayi kisse aise hote hain jo sunaye nahi jaate
kayi dil aise hote hain jo tode nahi jaate
aur aap jaise dost aise hote hain jo chode nahi jaate.
4.Yaad karte hai tumhe tanhai mein,
dil dooba hai gamo ki gehrai mein,
hume mat dhoondna duniya ki bhid mein,
hum millenge tumhe tumhari parchaai mein.....
5.Humse door jayoge kaise,
Dil se hume bhulayoge kaise,
Hum to vo khusboo hain jo aapki saanso mein
baste hain,
Khud ki saanso ko rok payoge kaise
6. Har baar dil se yeh paigaam aaye
JubaaN kholu to tera he naam aaye
Tum he kyon bhaye dil ko kya malum
Jab nazroo ke saamne haseen tmaam aaye
7.Mere Dil, Jiger, Kidney, Liver ho tum
waqt-bewaqt aaye vo fever ho tum
Doob kar jisme marr jayu vo River ho tum
Mere jeevan mein ab to forever ho tum...
8.You must be a good runner because you are
always running in my mind, you must be a good
thief because you have
stolen my heart, and i am always a bad shooter
because I Miss You Always...
9. Shaam hote hii ye Dil udaas hota hai
Toote khwaboo ke siwa kuch na pass hota hai
Tumahri yaad aise waqt bohat aati hai
Bandar jab koi aas-paas hota hai..
10.Door waadiyoN mein dhundley badal chupkar
parvat se milne ka
intzaar karte hain, Dil mein tamaam hasarteiN liye
hum aapka intzaar karte hain
11.Kya aankheiN hain aapki, kya baatein hain aapki..
us khuda ne kuch aisa aapko bnaya hai...
maano..."Shhhsss...KOI Hai" se bhoot nikal aaya hai
12.Aap kya jaano hum kitna yaad karte hain
maano ya na maano har pal fariyaad karte hain
Roz khat likhte hain CARTOON NETWORK ko
aur aapko play karne ki maang karte hain....
waaaaahhhhhhhhh...
13.Phool khilte rahein zindgi ki raah mein
hassi chamakti rahe aapki nigaah mein
kadam kadam par mile khushi ki bhaar aapko
dil deta hai yehi dua baar-baar aapko
14. L O V E
L = Lake of Sorrow
O = Ocean of Tears
V = Valley of Death
E = End of life....
15.Friendship is like a glass
handle it with care
because once broken cannot be mended
and even if mended....
a crack is always there !!!
16.When Nights are long & Friends are few,
I sit by my Window & think of u.
a silent whisper a silent tear.
with all my Heart i wish you were here.
17.When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God
that everyone should have a friend like you....
Why should only i suffer!!!
18.When the time comes for you to give your heart to
someone make
sure that u select someone who will never break your
heart coz broken
hearts have no spare parts.
19.Teri yaad mein humne kalam uthaayi
liya paper aur tasveer aapki bnayi
socha tha ki usko dil se laga kar rakhenge
magar vo to bacho ko daraane ke kaam aayi...
20.Badi asaani se dil lgaaye jaate hain
par badi mushkil se waade nibhaye jaate hain
le jaati hai mohabbat un raaho par
jaha diye nahi dil jalaaye jaate
=====End============
===================
Incomplete.....Imperfect Girl
===================
WOMAN has MAN in it.
SHE has HE in it.
Mrs. has Mr. in it.
LADY has LAD in it.
MISTERESS has MISTER in it.
MADAM has ADAM in it.
HOSTESS has HOST in it.
FEMALE has MALE in it..........and so on
.....the list is unending
SO NO need to be proud .
...Girls are always incomplete without Boys
.........ha..ha..ha...ha
====End=========
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The
teacher asks
Tommy if he can spell 'before'.
He stands up and says, �Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.�
The teacher says, �No, that's wrong. Can anyone else
spell before?�
Another little boy stands up and says, �Before,
B-E-F-O-O-R.�
Again the teacher says, �No, that's wrong.� The
teacher asks, �Little
Johnny, can you spell
'before'?�
Little Johnny stands up and says, �Before,
B-E-F-O-R-E.�
�Excellent, Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?�
Little Johnny says, �That's easy. Two plus two be
fore.�
========================
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates,
Saint Peter
tells him, �You look
like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that
some people will
go to sneak into
Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?�
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, �Could I
have a blackboard
and some
chalk?�
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and
chalk instantly
appear. Einstein
proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his theory of
relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. �You really ARE
Einstein!� he says.
�Welcome to
heaven!�
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter
asks for
credentials.
Picasso asks, �Mind if I use that blackboard and
chalk?�
Saint Peter says, �Go ahead.�
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a
truly stunning mural
with just a few
strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. �Surely you are the great artist
you claim to be!�
he says. �Come on
in!�
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter
scratches his head and
says, �Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove
their identity. How
can you prove
yours?�
George W. looks bewildered and says, �Who are Einstein
and Picasso?�
Saint Peter sighs and says, �Come on in,
======end=====
My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in
trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with your cute circular face,
conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your
triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set,
but when a vector of magnitude (likeness)
from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians
made a tangent to my heart,it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real
roots,
which only you can solve by making
good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial
functions but if I do so, you can integrate me
====end======
====================
LAUGH OUT LOUD, ITS FUNNY
====================
Foolman opens his lunch box in the middle of the road....
why ?
Just to confirm whether he is going to or coming back
from the office
----
A woman had 8 sons all named Kevin. On asking how
she managed to call one in particular She replied:
That's easy. I call them by their surname !
----
A man was returning after completing the last rituals of
his wife.
Suddenly the sky flashed with lightning,clouds roared
and started raining heavily.
He said unto himself:"She seems to have reached her home."
----
Foolman enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside
and closes it.
Wife observes the whole episode
Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife askes Why
are you doing this?
Foolman replies: Doctor told to check sugar level regularly.
----
Cleverman:Can u spell a word that has more than 100 letters
in it?
Foolman: Postoffice.
----
Foolman:How much are you studied?
Cleverman:B.A.
Foolman:Strange!Only two letters and
that too in wrong order.
-----
Foolman:Doctor,When I am talking I can't see a man;
I only hear him.
Doctor: When does it happen?
Foolman:When I am talking on telephone.
----
Fiancee asks Foolman:"Foolman dear, if we get engaged,
will you give me a ring?"
"Sure" replies Foolman, "Whats your phone #?"
======end======
===============
Grafitti
===============
� my insomnia is so bad, i can't even sleep on the job.
� people have one thing in common: they are all different.
� a bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without
providing you with company.
� God is the one who pulls you from the wreckage of your own
decisions.
� We come to love not by finding the perfect person but by
learning to
see an imperfect person perfectly!
� Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
� The probability of someone watching you is proportional to
the stupidity
of your action.
� Half the fun of being alive is not knowing what tomorrow
will bring. The other
half is pretending you don't care.
� Be thankful to problems. If they were less difficult, someone
with less ability
might have your job.
� Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
� Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to
recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
� All things come to him who waits, but they come sooner if
he goes out to
see what's wrong.
� It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has
plenty of work to do.
� I either want less corruption, or more chances to participate
in it.
� A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw
away. A real friend
is someone you can use over and over again.
� No man is as clever as his mother thinks he is or as dumb as
his mother-in-law
thinks he is.
Flattery is hearing from others the things you have already
thought about yourself.
� If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense
making them.
� Never make the same mistake twice... there are so many
new ones to make
=====end=====
=================
We have not heard so far !
=================
1. Paper company that folded?
..
2. Brake company on the skids?
..
3. Bra manufacturers that went bust?
..
4. Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
..
5. Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
..
6. Baker who was short of dough?
..
7. Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
..
8. Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
..
9. Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
..
10. Downfall of the bungee suppliers? But I hear they're on
their way back up!
===End=====
Interesting Definations
School
A place where papa pays and son plays.
Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that
you can die rich.
Nurse
A person who wakes up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage
A contract in which a boy loses his bachelor's degree
and girl gets her master's degree.
Let's Laugh
One friend (to another)
Since last month your wife has been riding to
reduce her weight. Has anything happened ?
Second friend (Unhappily)
Yes the weight of the horse reduced by 10 Kgs.
Mother (to her son)
I had kept 2 pieces of sweet on the shelf last evening. But
now only
one is left ?
Son (Immediately)
It was darkness so I couldn't see the other piece.
Once upon a time there were three men, one from France, the
other from
Japan and the third one from India.
The French Said
Copper was discovered in our country so all copper wires are
our gifts.
The Japanese Said
Aluminium was discovered in our country so all Aluminium
wires are our gifts.
The Indian Said
No metal was discovered in our country so wireless is our gift.
Teacher asked his student
How do ants help us ?
One student (quickly ) answered
They help us to know the place where our mother has kept the
sweets
====End======
=========================
some romantic countries in the world.
=====================================
=======
H.O.L.L.A.N.D Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. Come Here�.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. Cute And Naughty Action that
developed into attraction
K.O.R.E.A. Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every
adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. & nbsp; Everything's Great, You Pretty
Thing!
M.A.N.I.L.A. May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
P.E.R.U. Phorget (Forget) Everyone... Remember
Us.
T.H.A.I.L.A.N.D. Totally Happy. Always In Love And
Never Dull.
======================end=============
=======
======================
Funny from funny friend in email
======================
u r Ultimate
u r Lovely
u r Likeable
u r Unique
In short... u r ULLU !!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I am getting married next week.
There will be small party
and only a few people will be invited.
Don't brings any gifts.
just brings SOMEONE to marry me.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Galileo : Great Mind
Einstein : Genius Mind
Newton : Extraordinary Mind
Bill Gates : Brilliant Mind
ME : Master Mind
YOU : Never Mind
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good Person : Its YOU
Good Friend : Its YOU again
Good Heart : That's YOU !
Good Will : Its also YOU !
Good Looking Ahh....
hold it. Its 2 much 4 u..... Now its ME
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I wanted 2 kill the SWEETEST, SMARTEST
& the most beautiful person on the earth,
but then I thought.........
SUICIDE is a crime.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I Look at the moon,
the moon is beautiful...
I look at you... I... I...I'd rather
look at the moon again...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Why do we drink water ?
Because we cannot eat it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Which letters R* cute* ?
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M
N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Ans.: Don't tell any 1 ok?
'U' and 'I'
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio
with a sports car around it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
kuch nahi bas tumhari shakal yaad aagayi
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The more you study. The more you know.
The more you know. The more you forget.
The more you forget. The less you know.
So why study
========end============
=========================
Laugh if you want to---------
=========================
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious
odours, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before
creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
======end=======
===============
Lessons for married life
===============
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are
thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least
100 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens. In the third year, they both speak
and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned
over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The
husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage,
he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook. But
the law allows only one wife.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of
chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like
toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that,
he is finished.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide
=======end==========
================================
E Q U A T I O N S:
================================
1. SSC + HSC + BTech + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT
2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.
3. One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally
since 1896
4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.
5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects
in Jurassic park.
6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand
+ Canada = a 4 minute song in Hindi movie.
7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability
+ personality + own production company = Kajol
8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your
mum's favorite serials.
9 . Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent
= Abhishek Bachchan
10. Any actor + Any actress + many movies
= David Dhawan
11 . 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda
12 . 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan
13 . 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk
= Sanjay Dutt
14 . 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol
16. One engagement + Two weddings
+ Three wedding songs + Four hundred
Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace
= One sooraj Barjataya Film
17. Software Engineer + No Work
= Forwards
======End==========
======================
What a question?
======================
1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over
here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed
high-heeled shoes stepson
your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local
anesthesia.....why don't you try
again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask..
stupidQuestion:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated
cement. We occassionaly
also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt
meets you after
years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife- beating ,isensitive
lout...it's just
the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone
call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu
tribes in Africa
marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb
witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in
your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a
piece of chalk and now
it's in flames
====End=========
============================
SMSSMSSMSSMSSMSSMSSMSSMSSMS S M S
============================
Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ?
Mind u - it's really very very
misplaced the JOKER.
Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality
catches the heart, You are blessed with both!.
FLATTERED?. Don't Be, it was sent to me, I just
wanted you to read it.
Shah Jahan Ne Taj Mahal Ki Har Deewar Ko
Dekha, Har Meenar Ko Dekha, Har Kaleen Ko Dekha,
Har Khidki Se Dekha... Aur Bola... Maa Kasam, Bahut
Kharcha Ho Gaya !!!
Good morning...Have u done two of the most
important things when you wake up today?
(1)Pray, so that u may live... 2)Take a bath-so
that others may live too!
Can u pronounc! e good english:- read along woof,
roof, loof, shoof, shoof,
woof, loof, roof, poof, woof woof, hoof, woof, roof,
shoof.
Test results:
U r a good dog.
Now stop barking.
Beta bola "papa papa mujhe bandar dekhna hai".
Papa bole, "Nahi bete, abhi
|nahi".
"Papa kyon ?" ..........
"Bete abhi bandar SMS padh raha hai"
I saw something in a shop window. It was stunning,
cute, simply adorable.. I
was supposed 2 buy it 4 u, then I realised it was my
reflection.
Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked
4 "world peace". That's impossible, he said. Then I
asked him 2 give u brains. He said "Let me try
world peace"
Falling in love is a sweet ambition, finding true love
is a life time mission.. Take my word, follow the
Indian tradition & marry ur dad's ugly decision.
From Mon to Sun, >From Jan To Dec, From birth
till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed.
For me, you've always been........... a headache !
1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U & ME laughing,
U & ME crying, U & ME dreaming, U & ME holding on,
U & ME... just U & ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL
& ME CHECKING U.
I cannot hide this from u any more. I don't want 2
hurt u and I feel it! 's best if I tell u, before you
hear it from someone else ............ Potato
Prices Have Gone Up !
Maine puchha chand se "dekha hai kahin mere yaar
sa hasin", chand ne kaha "saale itni upar se dikhta
hai kya".
If u save this msg, it means I'm cute. If u edit this,
I'm still cute. If u fwd this, u r spreading that i'm
cute & if u erase this, u r jealous of me coz i'm cute!
Zindagi mein tum bahut aage jaaoge, kyonki jahan
bhi tum jaooge, sab kahenge, chal be chal aage chal.
This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds.
5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1....
Error : No Brain Detected !!
I mixed RUM in water and got drunk. I mixed
BRANDY in water and got drunk. I mixed WHISKY
in water and got drunk again. Now I have decided
never to drink water again !! !!
Dark were those days, without your sight. When
I was in darkness, you gave me light. You gave
me strength 2 make life bright. Thank you so much
PHILIPS
========End=============
==============================
"Learn the Rules so you know how to break them
properly"
==============================
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is
grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu
card.
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football
and the game went into extra time.
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi
in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the
window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
=======end=======
==============
Good thinking
==============
1.If all the nations in the world are in debt
(Even US has got debts), where did all the
money go? (weird)
2.When dog food is new and improved tasting,
who tests it? (to be given a thought)
3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)
4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never
damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the
whole airplane made out of that stuff?
(very good thinking)
5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
(who knows)
6.Can you cry under water? (let me try)
7.Why do people say, "you've been working
like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
(i think they meant something else)
8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a
phone reversed? (God knows)
9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)
10.Can you get cornered in a round room?
(by ones eyes)
11.What does OK actually mean? (dont know)
12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they
sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)
13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
(seed)
14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil
is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made
from? (No comments)
15.What should one call a male ladybird?
(No comments)
16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then
was cured would they rememberthat they forgot?
(can somebody help )
17.Can you blow a balloon up under water?
(yes u can)
18.Why is it called a "building" when it is
already built? (strange isnt it)
19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound
and you turned on your radio would you be able
to hear it? (got to think scientifically)
20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and
you turn your headlights on, what happens?
(i dont have a change to try)
21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
(very nice)
22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own
it all the way down to the core of the earth?
(this is nice)
23.Why do most cars have speedometers that go
up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that
fast on any road? (stupid, break the law
====End=========
============
Confidential
============
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
...........................................
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who cares you
always and whom u like to be with when u r alone
the last and most important one.
################################
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
********************************************
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
********************************************
=================================
5. It's very, very important that these four women
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
don't know each $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
==============================
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
=======End=====================
SEND LOVE
10% OFF TO DAY
=====end======================
==============================
Funniest Newspaper Classifieds
(Excerpts from classified sections newspapers)
==============================
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try
us once; you'll
never
go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come
here first.
(check it out)
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of
children.
(howwww sweeeet)
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be
willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke
or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do
it carefully by
hand.
==========end============
===============
Some Vitals ? May not !
===============================
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air,it was blown away.then
I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack .
=============================
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems.
He created YOU.
=============================
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
==============================
TEACHER== Name four members of the cat family?
STUDENTS== Daddy cat,Mummy cat and two kittens !
==============================
Police man== Stop, stop, your headlights are
not working.
The Man== Move, move, even the brakes are
not working.
==============================
Why does history keep repeating it self?
Because we weren't listening the first time !
==============================
A Pathan pulled out 6 people from a burning house...
still he was in jail.......why?
because all the 6 were firebrigade staff !
==============================
"Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play the
violin after the operation?"
"yes of course...."
"Great ! i never could before"
==============================
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
why dosen't it rain on you?
===============================
When your life is in darkness pray to God ask Him to
free you from darkness and if after you pray and you
are still in darkness, please pay your
ELECTRICITY BILL
======End============
Priceless 'period' [. . .]
===============
An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it
correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is everything!
====end========
=========================================
One of my male friends told me that
he has'nt spoken to his wife for 18 months
- He doesn't like to interrupt her.
==========================================
===========
Not Juniors...?
===========
===
1
===
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
there are hundreds of them!"
===
2
===
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was
in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were
courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to
kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave
her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty! seconds later she said: "Then you used to
bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed
clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"
she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
============================
===============
Computer World
===============
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card,i can do
some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad�s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation,
it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for
another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your
========end========
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has
7777777777777 Problems.
So beware of
glance!
--------------------------------------
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in
future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.
---------------------------------------------
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
----------------------------------------------
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do ukeep telling
people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer:"So when I'm dead no one will dare
touch ur mom!"
-----------------------------------------
Foolman sent a SMS to his pregnant wife.
Two seconds later a report came to his phone
and he started dancing.
The report said, "DELIVERED".
---------------------------------------------
What's the difference between stress, tension
and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
======end==============
============================
ADVERTISEMENT FOR A WIFE
============================
FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must
have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.
SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of
the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a
wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and
successful career!
ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high.
However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden
upon the national interest.
MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and
understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family
unit.
IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my
current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the
injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility
could be an issue.
BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.
POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short
comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To
feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we
should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the
point)
CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent
working condition.
FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.
LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of
wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a
girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that
she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and
jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled a! nd
will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null
and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She
must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the
ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must
also be aerodynamically sound!!!
BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
SHAAYAR
Burri muddat keh baad eik arazoo jaagi hai, Key hum bee shaadi shooda ho
jaayeh, Kya bahaana shaadi karaney ka............... joh kurrey sarey sarey,
Yeah mai butaatah hoon ....... Kyoon key yaroo ub khud ghur keh kaam hotah
nahee sarey sarey.
ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be
averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be
one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit
from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.
SHARABI
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an
occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come
round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to
ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be
ample.
MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from x-ud,erm a
wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map
reading skills are a bonus.
BEGGAR
Allah kay naam peh koi eik biwi dey dey, Doosrey kee nahi to upni hee dey
dey, Allah terah bullah kurrey, Tujhey eik key balley doh dey dey, Hillery
hogi toh Monika bhi dey dey!
BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be
homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.
DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel
the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.
ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful
applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares
wins. Camouflage provided.
RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep
pace!
ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my
universe. Must have looks that are out of this world
===============
Foolman: "I'm sorry."
Cleverman: "I'm sorry, too."
Foolman: "I'm sorry, three."
Cleverman: "What are you sorry for?"
Foolman: "I'm sorry, five."
Cleverman:"My God,I am sure sick"
Foolman:"No, No Sir,I am sorry seven."
======end==========
================
Our Bar is presently closed
because it is not open.
=====end=========
=====================
"Can you speak this fast? "
Bhow Bhow How How Bhow Bhow
Bhow Vow How Vow Thou Bhow
"Yes."
"Then I must admit you must be an
Excellent Dog."
=====end=========
=============================
"Wanted a man to jump from top of the mountain.
Death is almost certain."
Still three candidates applied for it.
The first candidate demanded 2 million Pounds
Sterling for this job.
The second candidate demanded 4 million Pounds
Sterling for this job.
The third candidate demanded 6 million Pound
Sterling.
The interviewer asked the third candidate why
he wanted 6 million when other two were ready
to join for lesser amount.
He went near the interviewer and spoke softly:
"I will pay 2 million to the first one to do the job;
I wll give 2 million to you;
I will keep the 2 million."
"Sorry,I cannot give you this job.I will give it to
the first candidate.
He is my wife's only unmarried,unemployed brother."
=====End======
============================
Why the English Language Is Hard to Learn
============================
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the
esert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought
it as time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how
to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does strange things when the does are
present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to
now.
The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend
=======End============
===========================
IT-TERMINOLOGY/BOLLYWOOD FILMS
============================
Pentium II & Pentium I : Bade Mian Chhote Mian
Ctrl+C ... Ctrl+V : Duplicate
Ctrl+Alt+Del : Aakhri Raasta
Often changing job: Chalti Ka Naam Gaadee
Project Manager : Jallad
Project Leader : Khalnayak
Super User's passward : Gupt
Bill Gates : Humse Badhkar Kaun
Microsoft Corporation : Ustadon Ke Ustad
Internet : door Gagan Ki Chhaon Main
Operator - Computer : Main Khiladee Toon Anadee
Windows95 : Bade Dilwala
dos & Windows : do Raaste
Restore : Naya Jeevan
F1 : Guide
Hard Disc - Floppy Disc:Gharwali - Baharwali
Virus infected system : Pyar To Hona hee Tha
Anti Virus Kit : Soldier
Computer for Virus : Piya Ka Ghar
======End===========================
==================
Sanity and Insanity
==================
1. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a
woman.
Before marriage and after marriage.
.
2. When you get so drunk:
you kiss the person you'remarried to,
and the rest of time to others.
.
3. Never believe in 'love at first sight'.
It's always best to take a second look.
.
4. Having one child
makes you a parent;
having two
makes you a referee.
.
5. Marriage is a relationship in which
one person is always right
and the other is always wrong.
The other person is the husband!
.
6. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile.
I tried -
but they wanted cash.
.
7. A child's greatest period of growth is the month
after you've purchased new school uniforms.
.
8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
.
9. Don't marry the person you want to live with;
marry the one you cannot live without...
but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
.
10. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for
it.
.
11. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for
hurting me.
.
12. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do
not vote.
.
13. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
before you get tired.
.
14. Marriage is give and take.
You'd better give it to her;
or she'll take it anyway.
.
15. My wife and I always compromise.
I admit I'm wrong
and
she agrees with me.
.
16. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job
to others.
.
17. Ladies first. Pretty ladies more than first.
.
18. A successful marriage requires falling in love
many times, always with the same person.
.
19. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering
things more than doing them.
.
20. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes
his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
.
21. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions
between address books.
.
22. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your
parents have done it for you.
.
23. They call our language the mother tongue because
the father seldom gets to speak!
.
24. No Fear - I keep all my credit cards maxed out so
I never have to worry about identity theft.
.
25. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are
bad; An optimist hopes they are.
.
26. Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know
when you're finished.
.
27. Common sense is good to have, but never let it
master you for then it might deprive you of the foolish
things it's fun to do.
.
28. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste...
.
29 For checkbook security, I keep all my checks signed
so that thief cannot sign my checks
=====End=======
==================
G L O B A L I S A T I O N
==================
Question: What is the height of globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
Crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
Who was high on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
Tthis is sent to you by a Pakistani,
using Bill Gates technology
which he stole from the Japanese.
You are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Taiwanese-made chips,
and
Korean made monitors,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries
driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians
and finally sold to
you by Chinese!
G L O B A L I Z A T I O N
=====END==============
======================
Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings:
======================
1.
Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool at the other.
2.
Love affairs :
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.
3.
Marriage :
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master
4.
Divorce :
Future tense of marriage
5.
Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through "the minds of either".
6.
Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.
7.
Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.
8.
Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water-power ..
9.
Dictionary :
A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10.
Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on.
11.
Ecstasy :
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a
feeling you have never felt before.
12.
Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.
13.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.
15.
Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open
their mouth.
16.
Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know
more than you actually do.
17.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.
18.
Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
19.
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
20.
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
when dead.
21.
Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that
you actually look forward to the trip.
22.
Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.
23.
Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway
"See I am not injured yet."
24.
Pessimist :
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25.
Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26.
Father :
A banker provided by nature.
27.
Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got
caught.
28.
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when
you are early.
29.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.
30.
Doctor :
A person who cures your ills by pills, and kills you
with his bills.
31.
Computer Engineer :
One who gets paid for reading such mails
======END===========
That Men And Women Made
====================
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
The woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping
=========END=========
=============
Light the cigarette
=============
Question:
======
You are in a boat in the middle of a river.
You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette.
You don't have anything else with you in the boat?
How will you do it?
Answers:
=======
[1]
Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water.
So the boat will become LIGHTER........
using this LIGHTER you can light the other
cigarette.
[2]
Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it.
Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win,
you can light the cigarette
[3]
Start praising one cigarette;
the other will get jealous &
jealousy will burn the cigarette.
=======END============
====================================
Actual writings on Hospital charts.
====================================
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the
third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia
for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
============end===================
-----------------
Free haircut...
-----------------
There is a good old barber in Miami in US. One day a
florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he
goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: 'I am
sorry,
I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a
Community Service'. Florist is happy and leaves the
shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open
his shop,there is a Thank You Card and a dozen roses
waiting at his door. A Confectioner goes for a haircut
and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to
take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves
shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open
his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Cakes
waiting at his door. A Software Engineer goes for a
haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again
refuses the money saying that it was a community
service. The next morning when the Barber goes to open
his shop, guess what he finds there......
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free
haircut... with printouts of forwarded mail mentioning
about free haircut
====end=======
------------------------------
Software's qualifications
------------------------------
1. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 3.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.
3. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friendsis
that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you
accidentally dial "0" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
news.
11. Contractors out number permanent staff and are
more likely to get long-service awards.
12. AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read! this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding
it to your "friends".
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks
to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a No.9.
18. And now you are laughing at yourself!
====end======
---------------------
Use right words
---------------------
Our Foolman was travelling in a crowded bus. He was
carrying the passport size photograph of his son (for
college admission).?
Accidently,the photograph fell down from his pocket.
He started searching for it frantically and found it on
the floor, below the ends of a woman's saree.
He asked her "Can you lift that saree? I want to take
photograph"
The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he
had to be admitted to hospital. He was surprised to
see Buddhuram on the bed next to him,in a worse
condition. He explained what happened to him.
He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished
late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any
hotel.
So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner
whether he could stay there for the night. The Owner
replied "I have 2 grown-up daughters.?
Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether
he could stay there for the night.The Owner replied,
"I have 3 grown up daughters.? Sorry, I can't allow
you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have
grown-up daughters?".?
The Owner asked,"WHY?"
He replied, " I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The rest is history.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
"WORDS GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU
DON"T USE IT CORRECTLY."
====end=====
=================
First and second
=================
Smiling is the second best thing you can do
by your lips; of course you know first one ?
-
-Stop thinking weird,you stupid.
It is keeping your mouth shut
=========================
This SMS is strictly intended for
smart and cute readers.
Since you received this:
There must be a technical error.
The sender deeply appologises
=======
Welcome to www.human.com
Enter Password
*
**
***
****
*****
*******
Processing Please wait
-
-
-
Access Denied
u r not human
try www.monkey.com
==============
i want to meet u
i want to talk with u
i want to spend time with u
i want to admire u
but can't.
This Stupid Gate keeper
is saying:
The ZOO is CLOSED
============
=========
Child's psyche
=========
[1]How Ravan must be changing sides while in sleep?
And if he wants to wear a T-shirt?
[2]The thirsty crow dropped pebbles to take water
level up.Fool ! He should have used the straw
and drunk water.
[3]No body tells me the name of Ram's Pushpak plane.
=======E N D =====
------
Idiot
------
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself
an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well actually I don't," said the student,
"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself
=======E N D =====
===========
Sale of husbands
===========
A store called Husband Mart that sells husbands has
just opened. A woman can go there and choose a
husband from among many men. The store consists
of 6 floors.
As you open the door to any floor you can choose a
man from that floor or choose to go up to the next
floor.
But you cannot go back down to a previous floor,
except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to Husband Mart to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1-
These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and
says to herself,
"Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have
jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself,
"That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up
she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have
jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm,
better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" And
up she goes again.
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help
with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with
the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh,
mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me
further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely
as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice
day
====End======
---------------------
Dress for a kiss
--------------------
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a
pretty girl asked, 'I want to buy this material for a
new dress. How much does it cost?'
'Only one kiss per yard,' replied the smirking male
clerk.
'That's fine,' replied the girl. 'I'll take ten
yards.'
With expectation and anticipation written all over his
face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the
cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a
little old man standing beside her.
'Grandpa will pay the bill,' she smiled.
====End=====
-------------------
The Interview
-------------------
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS
OFFICER : WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW
CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE....?
OFFICER : MP !!!
CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?
OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURE
=====End======
A good friend is like a computer
I 'enter' ur life,
'save' u in my heart,
'format' ur problems,
'shift' u 2 opportunities &
never 'delete' u from my memory
====End======
---------------------
Foreign language
---------------------
Excerpt from a newspaper in Sri Lanka
"On 26th Dec '04 early morning several hrs
before the catastrophy happened, Honolulu
Tsunami Monitoring center have been trying
to call our Meteorological Dept. monitoring
center in Palekelle and Colombo but failed.
They also got in touch with presidents' office
however it was informed that she's out of the
island on a private vacation.
Finally they called Prime minister's secretariat,
but Prime minister was out on his morning walk.
Thinking at least it's best to keep him vigilant on
this, the Honolulu officials left the message with
the person who picked up the phone to inform
Prime minister that there's a Tsunami coming
from Indonesia.On prime minister's return,
the operator told prime minister about the
call, said T. Sunami from Indonesia is arriving
in 2 hrs. Prime minister promptly took action
to send a delegation to Katunayake Airport with
name boards ' Welcome Mr. T. Sunami - Indonesia."
====end========
-------------
Specimen
-------------
Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came
along and asked him for some money. The man
ignored him. But being a professional, the
beggar kept on pestering him. The man became
irritated when he realized that the beggar would
not leave him alone unless he parts with some
money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar,
"I do not have money,But if you tell me what
you want to do with the money, I will certainly
help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea",
replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a
cigarette instead of tea".He then took a pack of
cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to
the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke
as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky
from his pocket and told the beggar,
"Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff.
It is Really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles
the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar,
"I am going to the race course. Come with me
and I will arrange for some tickets and we will
place bets. If we win, you take the whole
amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest
offer by saying,
"Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on
horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked
the beggar to come to his home with him.
Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of
receiving at least something from the man.
But he still had his doubts and asked the man,
"Why do you want me to go to your house
with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see
how a man with no Bad habits looks like"
====end========
Once our Mr.Foolman applied to Medical School;
needless to say he never made it -
do you know why ?
These are the answers he gave ...
ANTIBODY - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
COMA - punctuation mark
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl
GENES - blue denim
HERNIA - she is close by
HYMEN - greeting to several males
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss
LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MICROBES - small dressing gowns
OBESITY - city of Obe
SECRETION - hiding anything
TABLET - small table
ULTRASOUND - radical noise
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of playing cards
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC - neck of a crow
====end=======
-------------------------------------------
Abbreviated computer terminology
-------------------------------------------
PCMCIA -People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
* ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
* SCSI - System Can't See It
* DOS - Defective Operating System
* BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
* IBM - I Blame Microsoft
* DEC - Do Expect Cuts
* CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
* OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
* WWW - World Wide Wait
* MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System
Hangs
* PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics
* COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
* AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
* LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
* MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
* WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
* MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools
Teenagers
*RISC - Reduced Into Silly
====end=====
=====================
Let us thank 'Unknown Authors'
for taking off our burden:
=====================
==============
Mad Examination
==============
Three patients in a mental institution prepare
for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free
to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the
institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top
of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming
pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool
and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both
legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses
to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me
why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered,
"Well Doc, I can't swim!"
*-*-*-*-End *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
==========
Potato Money
==========
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted
to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard
work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was
in prison for bank robbery.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and
mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that
garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen
showed up and dug up the entire garden,
without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to
his son telling him what happened, and asking
him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes,
Dad. It's the best I could do from here
===================
================
You will like to continue
================
Man runs home yelling "Pack your bags honey.
I just won the10 Million lotto.
Wife: Do I pack for the beach or mountains?
Man: Who cares? Just pack and get lost!
===================
A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard
in Punjab today........
Local people have so far found 500 bodies
and are still..... digging for more.
===================
Foolman, his wife,his son and daughter went
to a party.. he introduced his family to his friends
saying.." I am Foolman.. and this is my wife Jenny.
This is my kid and that is my kidney...!!"
======================
Dr Chopra psychotherapist wanted
'Sign board' to be painted in front of his
clinic but our Foolman painter painted
"Dr Chorpa Psycho The Rapist"
======END===========
==========
Drink's Digest
==========
One day Lord shiva decided to visit the earth and try some
alcohol.
So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Delhi and
asked the bartender: "What all do u have?"
Bartender: "We have whisky, rum, vodka, gin, beer
etc.".
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first, give me 5 bottles of
whisky".
After having 5 bottles of whisky, Lord shiva decided to try
Rum.
Bartender was shocked :"Who is this man, after having 5
bottles of
whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer.
After
having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him : "Sir, who are
you?? I
ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of
whisky, and
you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your
feet,
who are you"???
Lord Shiva : "VATS, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain".
Bartender: AB CHADH GAYEE ISKO!!!
=====E N D ======
====================
Promise me we are true friends
====================
I am lamp you are light
I am Coke you are Sprite
I am Sawan you are badal
I am Normal you are Pagal
I am Water you are Tanki
I am Tarzan you are Monkey
P o O o O o H ! ! !
*~*~*~*~*~
You r my sweet SONA
I don't want u 2 KHONA
I want a place in your heart's KONA
Otherwise i will start RONA
Atleast Good Morning to kar LONA
*~*~*~*~*~*
When u feel sad....
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,
"damn I am really so cute" u will overcome your sadness.
But don't make this a habit.....
Coz liars go to hell !!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*
A good Friend is like a computer
he ENTERS in your life SAVE himself
in your heart,FORMATS all your troubles
and never DELETE you from his heart.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
*~*~*~*~*~*
Govt. of India has introduced a new rule
"Good Looking people should be thrown out of the country!!!"
You are safe.....
Where should i hide
=====E N D ======
===========
Man and monkey
===========
My soul has been happy ever since I have seen you;
A small vaccuum in my life has been now fully filled;
Mad and jealous are they who say so on seeing you
That last trace of chimapanzi race has been sealed.
===============
======
Professor
======
A new lecturer was unable to control the class.The
guys were just talking without giving any attention
to him.
So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most
of the problem out. But he does not know how to
put it in English..
He went near the guy. Shouted "follow me" .
The guy followed him till he went out of the class.
Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted
"Don't follow me"
and went inside the class.
And then inside the Class :
..........................................
[1]
* Open the doors of the window.
Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window.
Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves -
take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal
just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class.
( meaning AFTER the class .. )
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please ..
I have winter in my nose today ...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal
especially of Silver.....
* Take 5 cm wire of any length....
[2]
About his family :
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)
[3]
# At the ground :
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
[4]
# To a boy, angrily :
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?
[5]
# Giving a punishment :
You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO
[6]
# Sir at his best :
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife.
By chance, he happened to see one of our
boys at the theatre, though the boy did
not see them. So the next day at school...
(to that boy ) - " Yesterday I saw you
WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre
======END=======
=================
[1] A teacher as wife is most ideal as they can wait
a bit for answer after asking a question.
=================
[2] "I want a husband who is obedient,mature, sensible
and who can brave the torments in life."
"Why don't you say straight that you want
a second hand husband?'
================
[3] I woke up with so terrible irritation and headache
that I thought to gulp down 1000 tylenol tablets at
a time and die.
'Oh God! What happened then?'
'What happened then? I took two tablets
and felt well and slept.'
================
[4] A very fat woman asked the doctor:
'Doctor,I have gained a lot of weight.Give me some
such effective medicine that....'
'Take these 500 tablets.'
'My God,how can I take 500 tabs at a time?'
'You have not to take it all at a time.Take one ,throw
it out from your fifth floor,go down without using lift,
collect it and come back to your flat using staircase.
Repeat this 500 times a day for some days.You will
be absolutely fine in no time.Okay?'
================
[5] 'O God,what has happened to you,my dear friend?
These bloody torn clothes,your head bleeding...
Let me take you to your home.'
'Oh no;I am coming from home only.'
=============END===============
==============
STUPID QUESTIONS
SMART ANSWERS:
==============
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What
do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no
one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married
on the same day and at the same time."
Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country,
======END=======
==================
Go on further smiling
==================
============
GOLDEN SMILES
============
Today, tommorow and yesterday there
will be one heart that would always beat
for you.
You know Whose?
your Own Stupid!!!
.
True friends are those
Who Care without hesitation;
Remember without Limitation;
Forgive without any Explanation;
Love even with little Communication!!!
.
The Golden words are:
'Don't cry in Love'
because for whom u r crying does
not deserve your tears
and the person who deserves it, will
never let u cry!!
.
What is sweet but not Honey,
Precious but not Money,
Bright but not Sunshine,
Improves with time but not Wine???
Its....Our Friendship!!!
.
Science has proved that Sugar melts
in water,
So please don't walk in rain,
otherwise i will lose such a SWEET
friend like U
======END=======
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by
a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
====END=====
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what
God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
******
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of
the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would
turn red in the face..
" "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
***********
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head
of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other
end of the table was a large pile of chocolate
chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.
********
================
AND THE BEST ONE IS----
================
The children had all been photographed, and the
teacherwas trying to persuade them each to buy a
copyof the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when
youare all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead."
======END========
======================
The 479-word story consists only
of words beginning
with a 'W' and only
17 of those words are hyphenated
compounds.
=======================
'Warm weather, Walter! Welcome
warm weather! We were
wishing winter would
wane, weren't we?'
'We were well wearied with
waiting,' whispered
Waiter wearily. Wan,
white, woe-begone was Walter;
wayward, willful, worn
with weakness,
wasted, waxing weaker whenever
winter's wild,
withering winds were
wailing. Wholly without
waywardness was Winifred,
Walter's wise, womanly
watcher, who, with winsome, wooing
way, was
well-beloved.
'We won't wait, Walter; while
weather's warm we'll
wander where woodlands
wave, won't we?'
Walter's wanton wretchedness
wholly waned. 'Why,
Winnie, we'll walk where
we went when we were with Willie;
we'll weave
wildflower wreaths, watch
woodmen working; woodlice, worms
wriggling;
windmills whirling;
watermills wheeling; we will win
wild
whortleberries, witness wheat
winnowed.'
Wisbeach woods were wild with
wildflowers; warm,
westerly winds whispered
where willows were waving;
wood-pigeons, wrens,
woodpeckers were warbling
wild woodnotes. Where Wisbeach
water-mill's waters,
which were wholly
waveless, widened, were
waterlilies, waxen white.
Winifred wove wreaths
with woodbine, whitehorn,
wallflowers; whilst Walter
whittled wooden
wedges with willow wands.
Wholly without warning, wild wet
winds woke within
Wisbeach woods,
whistling where Winifred wandered
with Walter;
weeping willows were
wailing weirdly; waging war with
wind-tossed waters.
Winifred's wary
watchfulness waked.
'Walter, we won't wait.'
'Which way, Winnie?'
Winifred wavered. 'Why, where were
we wandering?
Wisbeach woods widen
whichever way we walk. Where's
Wisbeach white
wicket, where's Winston's
water-mill?'
WistfuIly, Walter witnessed
Winifred's wonder.
'Winnie, Winnie, we were
wrong, wholly wrong; wandering
within wild ways.
Wayfaring weather-beaten
waifs, well-nigh worn-out.'
Winifred waited where, within
wattled woodwork
walls, wagons,
wheelbarrows, wains were waiting,
weighty with
withered wood. Walter,
warmly wrapped with Winifred's
well-worn wadded
waterproof, was wailing
woefully, wholly wearied. Winnie,
who, worn with
watching, well-nigh
weeping, was wistfully, wakefully
waiting Willie's
well-known whistle,
wholly wished Walter's well-being
warranted.
With well-timed wisdom, Walter was
wound with wide,
worsted wrappers,
which wonderfully well withstood
winter's withering,
whistling winds.
Wholly without warm wrappers was
Winifred, who, with
womanly wisdom, was
watching Walter's welfare, warding
Walter's
weakness.
'When will Willie wend where we
wait?' wearily
wondered Walter.
'Whist, Walter,' whispered Winnie,
'who was
whooping?'
'Whereabouts?'
Welcome whistling was waking
Wisbeach woods when
winter's windy warfare
waxed weaker.
'Winnie! Walter!'
Winifred's wakefulness was
well-grounded. 'We're
well, Willie; we're
where Winston's wagons wait.'
Without waiting, Willie was within
Winston's
woodwork walls.
'Welcome, welcome, Willie.' Winnie
was weeping with
weariness with
watching Walter, weak with
wayfaring.
'Why Winnie! Wise, watchful,
warm-hearted Winnie,'
Willie whispered
wheedlingly. 'We won't weep;
Walter's well. What was
Walter without
Winnie?'
Wholly wonderful was Winifred's
well-timed womanly
wisdom, which well
warranted weakly Walter's welfare.
Whenever
wandering within Wisbeach
woods with Winnie, Walter would
whisper, 'What was
Walter without Winnie?
Wise, watchful, warm-hearted
Winnie!'
=====END====
===============
Want to laugh or smile?
===============
Prof: Can you tell me anything about the great chemists
of the 17th century?
Student: They're all dead sir.
*
Did you hear about the absent minded professor who kissed
the door and slammed his wife?
*
Once in a hostel, a party was going on too loud. Soon a professor
sent a peon to the room. The peon arrived and said "Could you guys
turn down the volume? The professor next room says he can't read."
"Tell him", came the reply "that he should be ashamed of himself.
why i could read when i was barely five years old!"
*
So you say that the water available here is unsafe?"
"Yeah"
"So, tell me what precaution you take before drinking it?"
"Well, first we boil it."
"Yeah."
"Then we filter it."
"Yeah."
"Then we add chlorine."
"Yeah."
"Then to be on the safe side we drink beer."
*
Q: Who's a college guy?
A: One who can see three meanings to a word
having two meanings
=====END====
==================
Four Oll Who Reed and Right
For all who read and write
==================
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the
plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face it,
English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea,
nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught,
why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down;
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
====END====
================================
Kiddie Jokes [From unknown's email;with thanks.
================================
1.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
2.
Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"
Girl: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"
Girl: "Yes, it does it's all the letters from 'H 2 O'."
3.
Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
4.
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if i have any brothers or sisters
who will be coming to school." "That's nice of her to
take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are
the only child?"
She just said, "Thank goodness!"
5.
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "The whole body, Sir."
6.
A school girl was having an eye test.
"Can u read out the letters on the chart on the wall?"
asked the optician.
"Chart? Where?" asked the girl.
7.
A teacher was asking her class:
"What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do
something the law doesn't allow and 'ill egal' is a sick eagle."
8.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.
9.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : George!
10.
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY : Me!
11.
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson.
12.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid
mistakes in one day?
ALFRED : I get up early.
13.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise, you don't
have to keep yours.
14.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
15.
HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something
I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.
16.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow".
That's what I did.
17.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
DON : I hope you didn't either.
18.
GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
19.
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
20.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
21.
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about
your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
22.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
23.
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused
by biting insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.
24.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
ELLEN : All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
25.
The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly
program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium
this morning," he snapped. "Wouldn't it be better to hear one
at a time?" voice shouted, "Okay---you start."
26.
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
27.
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA : A new bike.
28.
TEACHER : If you had one dollar and you asked your father for
another, how many dollars
would you have?
VINCENT : One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
29.
TEACHER : If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the
other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
30.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
AMOS : I lost my quarter.
TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?
OLIVER : I was standing on it.
31.
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
32.
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he
was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
33.
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing
in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
34.
Daddy : Son, What do you want as Birthday gift ?
Son : I just want a radio dad, surrounded by a sports car.
35.
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on #My Dog# is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, it's the same dog!
36.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
37.
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
====END======
==============
Think a little
==============
Vegetable oil is made from vegetables;
Olive oil is made from olives;
baby oil made from ..........
==
Can you be Totally Partial?
==
A book about 'Failure' was a big success.
==
Doctors call their profession "Practice."
==
Feet smell;
nose runs?
==
The world is a stage.
All people are actors.
Where is audience?
Reply,O, Shakespeare.
==
Congratulations
I am not marrird.
Real congratulations.
==
Why is he in ambulance?
He slapped his wife.
==
Customer:Is this tea or coffee?
It smells like kerosin.
Waiter:It ought to be tea in that case.
Our coffee smells terpentine.
==
Kusum:I love poets.
Kamini:How?
Kusum:My first husband was a poet.
Second husband turned poet .
==
God created human.
He retired to rest.
Human built temple on Him.
They retired Him forever.
==
Man drinks;monkey drinks;
both gets drunk.
Man turns into a monkey after drunk.
Monkey remains monkey after drunk.
Animals are animals after all.
==
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
==
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
Ellen: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
==
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Didn't you say that was my lunch money.
==
Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you
have?
Student: A new bike.
==
Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the
other hand, what would I have?
Class: Big,long,wide hands!
==
My favourite songs:
==============
1.
==When in college==
Hum honge kaamiyaab,
Hum honge kaamiyaab
ek din.....
2.
==When giving interview==
Tu hi re.... Tu hi re...
tere binaaa main kaise jeeoo.n ?
3.
==Waiting for an interview result==
Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki..
aayee naaa kuch khabar
mere yaarki...
4.
==Just joined==
Tu cheez baDee hai mast mast.....
5.
==After some time==
Ye kahaan aa gaye hum ?
6.
==After some more time==
Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai,
mere jindagi kya ek kati Pathang hai
(booohoooo)
7.
==Floating the resume==
kabootar ja ja ja... kabootar ja ja ja...
8.
==when don't get a better offer==
Jeena yehaan, marna yehaan
iske siwa jaana kahan...
----------------------------
----------
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to
the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how
impossible, I look at your picture and
the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful
I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater
than this one?"
----------
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all
your worries, troubles and lighten your
burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't
have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
---------
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad
this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady.
Mom:Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Mom:He could do it only once for me years back.
He can't do it now.
-------
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming
home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
-------
A newly married to wife, "Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left
me a fortune?"
Wife replied sweetly: "Honey,"I'd have married
you,no matter who left you
a fortune."
--------
Father:"Son,let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He
wants to scare his parents."
-------
Interviewer:To whom do you owe your
success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer:"Wow, she must be some woman.
What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire."
-------
[1]
Woman: Doctor, please give me some medicine to
reduce my weight. My husband has given
me such wonderful birthday gift and I
can�t get into it.
Doctor: I shall give.Then you will soon be able to
wear your wonderful new dress.
Woman: A dress? I am talking of car.
[2]
Man : Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is
giving me headaches.
Doctor: Why?
Man : Because my wife is hitting me
on the head with it."
[3]
Father:Thanks a lot doctor for saving my son's life.
Doctor:It's God who has saved your son's life.
Just pay the fees at reception."
Father:Then I will pay it to God when I see Him."
[4]
A dentist�s patient was grumbling about the fee:
"Two hundred dollars for pulling out a tooth!
And it�s only a minute�s work."
"Well, if you wish," the dentist said, "I�ll take it out slowly."
[5]
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good and bad news," owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired
about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15
of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor"
[6]
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
=================
======================
FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
======================
A serious truth to make our Life 100 %
Successful
=========
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
=
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
=============
Hard Work=98
[H + A + R + D + W + O + R + K
8 + 1 + 18 + 4 + 23 + 15 + 18 + 11
= 98 %]
Knowledge=96
[K + N + O + W + L + E + D + G + E
11 + 14 + 15 + 23 + 12 + 5 + 4 + 7 + 5
= 96 %]
Love=54
[L + O + V + E = 1 2 + 15 + 22 + 5 = 54 %]
Luck=47
[L + U + C + K
12 + 21 + 3 + 11
= 47 %]
( None of them makes 100 % )
=======================
Then what makes 100 %
---------------------------------
Is it M O N E Y ?............. NO
[13 + 15 + 14 + 5 + 25 = 72 %]
L E A D E R S H I P����. NO
[12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16 = 97 % ]
=============================
Every Problem has a solution,
only if we perhaps change our
� A T T I T U D E �
Our ATTITUDE towards Life and work
that makes our Life 100 % Successful.
A T T I T U D E
1+ 20 + 20 + 9 + 20 + 21 + 4 + 5
= 100 %
=============
11:01 AM 8/6/2004
========================
[1]
Woman: Doctor, please give me some medicine to
reduce my weight. My husband has given
me such wonderful birthday gift and I
can�t get into it.
Doctor: I shall give.Then you will soon be able to
wear your wonderful new dress.
Woman: A dress? I am talking of car.
[2]
Man : Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is
giving me headaches.
Doctor: Why?
Man : Because my wife is hitting me
on the head with it."
[3]
Father:Thanks a lot doctor for saving my son's life.
Doctor:It's God who has saved your son's life.
Just pay the fees at reception."
Father:Then I will pay it to God when I see Him."
[4]
A dentist�s patient was grumbling about the fee:
"Two hundred dollars for pulling out a tooth!
And it�s only a minute�s work."
"Well, if you wish," the dentist said, "I�ll take it out slowly."
[5]
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good and bad news," owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired
about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15
of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor"
[6]
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
11:04 AM 7/28/2004
========================
[1]
Buddhuram:Will the bus take me to South Bombay?
Driver:Which portion?
Buddhuram:All of me intact,of course.
[2]
Buddhuram calls American Airlines:
'How much time it takes to fly to Los Angeles?'
'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant.
'Thank you.' says Buddhuram and hangs up.
[3]
Buddhuram goes to a TV shop and asks:
"Have you got a Colour TV?"
Shop owner said he had Colour TV.
Buddhuram:"Then show me one Black one?"
[4]
Buddhuram went to the booking counter
to buy a railway ticket for his wife.He was
third in the queue.
The first one asked: 'Give me one Punjab Mail.'
The second one asked: 'Give me one Kolkata Mail'
Buddhuram said: 'Give me one Frontier female.'
[5]
The ship was sinking.Buddhuram was in the ship.
Suddenly an American appeared by his side and
asked Buddhuram: "How far is land away from here?"
Buddhuram replied: "Two miles."
American said he could swim that long and jumped
into water.Surfacing he asked Buddhuram which
direction the land was.
Buddhuram said: "Downwards."
12:48 PM 7/18/2004
=========
1.
Buddhilal phones Buddhuram.
Buddhilal:Buddhu,It's me speaking here.
Buddhuram:Strange,It's me speaking here too.
=======
2.
John saw CURD first time and asked
Buddhuram what that CURD was.
Buddhuram explains to John:
'You see,the milk sleeping whole night
and in morning turning soft tight white;right !'
======
3.
Buddhuram was sending email to his friend.
Buddhilal was looking at computer from behind.
He shouted:Buddhu,I saw your pass word.
Buddhuram:No,you are kidding.
Buddhilal: No, I am not.It is * * * *
Buddhuram:Oh no.You are wrong. it is f o o l
======
4.
Buddhilal:Buddhu,Why are you keeping ONE of
your TWO swimming pools always empty?
Buddhuram:Well,one with full of water for swimmers.
And other empty for non-swimmers.
Buddhilal:What if nonswimmer jumps into water
filled pool?
Buddhuram:I will empty it by transferring
water into empty pool.
Now you know why I have two pools?
=======
11:11 AM 7/8/2004
==============
Strange and true !
==============
1.Helped once,you are remembered,
Whenever he is again in your need.
2.Money also can find happiness
If you know how to use it best.
3.Drink creates problems, it is true.
Coffee,milk do not solve them too.
4.If shooting people,were made legal,
World will be left, by one individual.
5.Forgiving your foes is a good thing,
Forgetting their names is suiciding.
6.Do you like to be watched by community?
Then enhance the level of your stupidity.
7.Life is breath;peace is the death.
Life to death takes away breath.
3:18 PM 7/4/2004
==================
============================
Great teachers and greater students !
--------------------------------------------------------
[1]
Teacher:John,,show the class from the map North America.
John: This it is !
Teacher:Right. Now boys,tell me who discovered America?
All boys: John !
[2]
Teacher:Jane,can you recall one important thing which is
seen to day and was not seen 10 years back?
Jane: Me!
[3]
Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Jane: No, I am Jane Watson.
[4]
Teacher:Henry, how could you make so many mistakes in
one day?
Henry: I got up ver early to day.
[5]
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And I promised to punish you if you broke it.
Student: Yes, sir, you can break your promise because I
broke my promise.
[6]
Teacher:Rodney,why do you always get so dirty?
Rodney:Well, I keep closer to the the ground than you.
[7]
Arnold:Sir,would you punish me for something
I didn't do?
Teacher:Certainly not.
Arnold:Thanks,sir,I didn't do homework.
[8]
Teacher: Why are you late?
Jay:Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Jay: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
[9]
Jimmy: I don't think I should get zero in this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest I could give you.
============
==============
ISN'T IT STRANGE?
---------------------------
Isn't it strange how Rs. 20/=
seems like such a large amount when you donate
it to temple, but such a small amount when you go
shopping?
Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you're
at temple, and how short they
seem when you're watching a good movie?
Isn't it strange that you can't find a word to say when
you're praying,
but you have no trouble thinking what to talk about
with a friend?
Isn't it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one
chapter of the Geeta,
but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to
concerts or games,
but they do whatever is possible to sit at the last row
in temple?
Isn't it strange how we need to know about an event for
temple 2- 3 days before the day so we can include it in
our agenda, but we can adjust it for other event at the
last minute?
Isn't it strange how difficult it is to learn a fact about
God to share it with others,
but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and
repeat gossip?
Isn't it strange how we believe everything that magazines
and newspapers say,
but we question the words in the Ramayana?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants a place in heaven,
but they don't want to believe, do, or say anything to get
there?
Isn't it strange how we send jokes in e-mails and they are
forwarded right away,
but when we are going to send messages about God, we
think about it twice before we
share it with others?
IT'S STRANGE; ISN'T IT?
=====END======
===============
Read it right.
Sarcasm at its best.
===============
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take
them while driving.
==============
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are
a referee.
=======
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right and the other is husband !
=======
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I
tried - but they wanted cash
=======
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school uniforms.
========
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
= ======
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the
one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do,
you'll regret it later.
====
You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it
====
True friends stab you in the front
====
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for
hurting me.
===
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not
vote.
===
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
before you get tired
===
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her
or she'll take it anyway.
===
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and
she agrees with
===
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to
others.
===
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
===
A successful marriage requires falling in love many
times, always with the same person.
===
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things
more than doing them.
===
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his
job, he still ends up with the same boss.
===
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions
between address books.
===
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents
have done it for you.
===
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools
talk because they have to say something
===
They call our language the mother tongue because the
father seldom gets to speak
=====END========
===================
Apply for a job or a leave.
This is the funniest English
at its the best.
===================
Excerpts from applications:
--------------------------------------
1.With reference to your advertisement for a
'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'...
As I am both for the past several years and
I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
2."Since I have to go to my village to sign papers
for sale of my father mother land along with my
wife, I request you to please sanction me
one-week leave".
3."Since I've to go to the cremation ground and
I may not return, please grant me
half day casual leave"
4."As I am studying in this school I am suffering
from headache. I request you to leave me today"
5."I am suffering from fever, please
declare holiday to the school"
6.As my headache is paining, please
grant me leave for the day.
7. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
8.As my Mother-in-law has expired and
I am responsible for it, please grant me
ten days leave.
9."My wife is suffering from sickness and as
I am her only husband at home I may be
granted leave".
=========
Sundry Smiles
=========
1.
Wife :If I die,what will you do?
Husband :May be I also will die.
Wife :Why?
Husband : A man may collapse if too much happiness
suddenly befalls his lot.
=======
2.
First:Come on,hide fast.My wife and my girl friend are
coming together this side.
Second:I was also going to tell you the same thing.
======
3.
Foolman enters shop & shouts, "Where's my free gift
with this oil?"
Shopkeeper: "There is no gift with this,Sir."
Foolman: "Look whats written here:' CHOLESTROL FREE' "
=========
4.
Foolman:How much have you studied?
Cleverman: B.A.
Foolman:Very surprising.Only two syllables and that
also in wrong order !
=========
5.
While waiting for a bus Foolman sees a truck being
towed away by another truck with a rope. He laughs,
breaks down, rolls on the ground
and cannot control his laughter.
Cleverman standing nearby calls him and asked
what it was but Foolman still could not
control himself, pointed at the towing truck & again
rolls on the ground and laughed.
Now Cleverman is annoyed, pulls Foolman up and
asks him what is so funny!?
Foolman says:"For towing one rope,two trucks
are required.!"
====END=====
===================
Request for increase in salary.
===================
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.
I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of
u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including
$weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Nora $haw
Reply to above by boss.
=================
Dear NOra,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays,
NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that
our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspapers are NOting the world's leading
ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the country may go into aNOther
recession. After the NOvember elections things may turn NO
well.
I have NOthing more to NOte NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours sincerely
NOvis NOrvey
====END=======
==========
EVER WONDER
==========
Why are they called stairs inside
but steps outside?
.
Why you don't ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
.
If love is blind, how can we
believe in love at first sight?
.
Why 'abbreviated' is such a long
word?
.
Why lemon juice is made with
artificial flavour, while
dishwashing liquid
Is made with real lemons?
.
How important does a person have to
be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just
murdered?
.
If money doesn't grow on trees then
why do banks have branches?
.
Why is it that people say they
*slept like a baby' when babies
wake up every 2 hours?
.
Why does a round pizza come in a
square box?
.
If a deaf person has to go to
court, is it still called a
hearing?
.
If you're driving at the speed of
light what would happen if you
turned on
the headlights?
.
Why does anyone bother phoning a
Psychic Hotline...If they are
really
psychic shouldn't they be calling
you?
.
Why, when you transport something
by car it's called a shipment and
when you
transport something by ship, it's
called cargo?
.
Why is it that when you're driving
and looking for an address you turn
down
the volume on the radio?
.
Why do they call a single T.V. a
set?
.
If vegetarians eat only vegetables
what do humanitarians eat?
.
If you break a mirror and get seven
years bad luck, could a good lawyer
get
you off in five?
.
Why are wrong numbers never busy?
.
Is there something you can take for
kleptomania?
.
Where does your lap go when you
stand up?
.
Why is a 'W' a 'Double-U' and not a
'Double-V'?
.
Why do they call them runways at
airports and not flyways?
3:00 PM 6/11/2004
====END========
WIFE: "What would you do if I died?
Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being
married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?
(with a hurtful look on her face).
" sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures
with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the
proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: she will use my
golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
8:41 AM 6/4/2004
===================
A friend of mine appeared in a pre-medical test
to qualify for his MBBS degree.He failed miserably;
but he did not know why he was turned out for his
medicine education.He showed me his QUESTION
PAPER AND SHOWED ME HIS ANSWER SHEET.
I realised the truth.
Let us look into it.
================
ANTIBODY - opposite of every body
ARTERY - the study of art
BENIGN - to be after eight
CAESARIAN - relating to Caesar of Italy
CARDIOLOGY - knowledge of playing Cards
CAT SCAN - searching for lost cat
CHRONIC - a crow's neck
COMA -vertically extended full stop rounded a little
at top,a period
DUODENUM - duo denium i.e.two jeans
HERNIA - her-near i.e.she is close by
IMPOTENT - important i.e.famous,well-known
LACTOSE - Feet lacking toes
PACEMAKER - Nobel Peace Prize=winner
PULSE - grain
RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula
TABLET - A table that is very very small.
====END====
========
Little Laugh
========
[1]
A very FAT lady once went to her friend's house
and presented him a goat.
The friend said why a buffalo?
The Fat lady said it was a goat,not a buffalo.
The friend said he was not asking her;he was asking the goat.
[2]
Two persons were looking for their lost wives.
One asked the other one how did his wife look like.
The other one said,"She is 5'9" , Fair, 36-24-36, Blue eyes"
and asked the first one,"And yours?"
The first one said,":Forget about mine. Let us look for yours"
====END======
=============================
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
=============================
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be
speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist.
Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national
PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The
cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer
Conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water.
" The sermon tonight: "Searching for
Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is
hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions. She is also
having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor
Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth
Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.
A BEAN supper will be held on Tuesday evening
in the church hall.
Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and
listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want
remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave
a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the
basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I
Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
====END===========
===========
Very amazing
===========
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
ttoal mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
amzanig huh?
Rgrades
====END====
=======
Happiness
=======
When my farher died,we sent letters to friends and
relatives informing them:
"My father has gone to his ''Heavenly abode."
They replied:"Very sorry to know......"
====END=====
======================================
ANSWER FOR THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS :
======================================
1. TELL ME A WORD, WITHOUT VOWELS ( MINIMUM LETTERS - 6 )
RHYTHM
2. TELL ME A WORD, HAVING ALL VOWELS (MAXIMUM LETTERS -9)
EDUCATION
3. "A BROWN FOX JUMPED QUICKLY OVER THE LAZY DOGS."
WHAT IS THE SPECIALITY OF THIS SENTENCE?
IT HAS ALL THE 26 ALPHABETS.
4. MARY'S FATHER HAS 5 DAUGHTERS, NAMELY, LALA, LELE, LILI, LOLO.
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE 5TH ONE?
MARY & NOT LULU.
5. ITS A 5 LETTER WORD. IT HAS ONE KIND OF PRONOUNCIATION. IF WE
REMOVE LAST 2 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME. IF WE REMOVE LAST 4
LETTERS, STILL IT REMAINS SAME. WHATZ IT?
QUEUE
6. ITS A 11 LETTER WORD. STARTS AND ENDS WITH "UND" . WHATZ IT?
UNDERGROUND.
7. ITS A 7 LETTER WORD.
IF WE REMOVE 1 LETTER FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE 2 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE 3 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE ALL THE LETTERS FROM IT, STILL
IT REMAINS SAME.
WHATZ IT ?
POSTBOX
====END====
===================
Some typical matrmonial ads
===================
FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish.
Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.
SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article.
One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now
looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses!
Has own house, car and successful career!
ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements
are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too
heavy a burden upon the national interest.
MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate
and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further
my family unit.
IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my
current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the
injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency.
Compatibility could be an issue.
BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.
POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences
and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to
share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social
responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society.................
(etc etc and never getting to the point)
CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in
excellent working condition.
FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.
PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants.
She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on
the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul.
And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!
BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with
====END====
=============
Some smart Replies
=============
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a
face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for
a face like yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same
time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us
together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
======END=====
=================
Foolman in full ?
=================
Foolman gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree,
sits on the branch regularly.
A man asks why he does this.
Foolman:"I've been promoted as branch manager."
=========
Once Foolman asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know Why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper
is leaking...
=========
Foolman: I haven't slept all night in the train.
Friend: Why?
Foolman: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why did'nt u exchange?
Foolman: there was nobody to exchange on the lower berths..
=========
Foolman-why are you all people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Foolman-If only the winner will get the cup,
why all others are running?
===========
Foolman had twins; he named them: Tin & Martin.
Again had twins & named: Peter & Repeater.
Again twins & named: Max & Climax.
Again next year same.
Disgusted Foolman named them: Tired & Retired !!
============
Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.
Foolman:- why did you come so far. Instead you could have
posted it.
=============
Foolman & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How will you divide your 3 children?
Foolman replied: Ok! We"ll apply next year.
She: No,My Lord.If I had relied on him,I would
not have any child.
=============
Foolman�s Wish :
When i die, i wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefuly in
his sleep; not screamin like all the passengers in the car he was
driving..
==============
Foolman at an Art Gallery:
I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call Modern Art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon Sir, that�s you in a mirror!
===============
A man asked Foolman: why Prime Minister Manmohan singh goes
walking at evening and not in the morning.
Foolman replied " Manmohan is PM, not AM
=======E N D =========
=======
Advance
=======
A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a
letter requesting the Rs.50. When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed to God, INDIA, they decided
to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.
The President was so amused, that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot
of money to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil
the kid.
The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided
to write a thank you note to God,which read:
"Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However,
I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan
in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 in
taxes
====END====
==========
God is lost
==========
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys.
Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the
little hellions*, she tried one last approach: she took
them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.
First, the older boy was admitted into the stern
minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the
desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then
challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?"
The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose
part way out of his chair and repeated the question,
"I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake
with dread; this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!
Stepping around from behind the desk, the
impassioned preacher now shouted his question,
"WHERE IS GOD!?"
At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted
out the door, running headlong into his little brother.
"What's wrong?
What's the matter?" his brother asked.
"It's awful! The church has LOST GOD
and they're BLAMING US!"
[*an impish, uncontrollable, or bothersome person,
esp. a child.]
====END======
==========
Matrimonial ads.
==========
A news paper had with following matrimonial
ads published in it.
BANKER:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits
me with her service.
CAR MECHANIC:
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition.
Should be above average and must run the household
at a good average.
DOCTOR:
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria,
making me desirous of marriage.
I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has
knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and
keeps away from all sins be it anacin, metacin or crocin.
I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects.
Apply or reply.
DRINKER:
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have
a soda factory.
I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only
when friends come home.
Friends come home only seven times a week.
Girl preferred will carry me home from bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial.
Sample should be ample.
LAWYER:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible
candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be
strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the
service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself.
Any objection would be overruled and will not
be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.
SOFTWARE ENGINEER:
Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI
with Security features
(privileges only for the Specific User especially
critical Functionalities).
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
Low Bugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by
the Next Build.
She must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, should
be USER FRIENDLY.
We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY
the product but we will assure it will never be
released to ANY OTHER Customer
====END=====
============
Argument in order
============
A man and his wife were in a court for their
divorce case. The problem was who should
take custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said:
'Your Honor. I brought the child into the
world with all the pain and labor. The child
should be in my custody.'
The judge turned to the husband and said :
'What do you have to say in your defense?'
The man sat for a while contemplating.....
then slowly rose. 'Your Honor.. If I put a
dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a
Pepsi comes out..... whose Pepsi is it .....
the machine's or mine?
=====END=======
========
Calculation
========
Teacher:In our country, we have 10 airports,
25 railway stations, 110 bus
stations.
Can you tell what my age is??
Student: Sir, 30 years,
Teacher: Oh brilliant! but how could you guess ?
Student:My brother is one andhalf wise and he
is 10 years old.
======END=======
=========
Fortune teller
=========
A Man came with his son to the Fortune teller.
Man:- Please tell me the future of my son.
Fortune teller :-Your son is great,
His hands tell me that he can make
any one go up and bring them back again.
Man:-What will he become.
Fortune teller: A lift man.
=====END========
========
Anticipation
========
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, butI don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet.
=====END======
==========
Obedience
==========
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this
morning, he told me to give up my seat
to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
====END=====
=======
Wealthwise
========
A newly married man asked his wife,
"Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly,
"I'd have married you.I don't wnat to
know who left you the fortune."
====END====
==========
Is it correct to call it a 'building'
when it is already built?
==
Vegetable oil is made from vegetables;
Olive oil is made from olives;
baby oil made from ..........
==
Can you be Totally Partial?
==
A book about 'Failure' was a big success.
==
Doctors call their profession "Practice."
==
Feet smell;
nose runs?
==
The world is a stage.
All people are actors.
Where is audience?
Reply,O, Shakespeare.
==
Congratulations
I am not marrird.
Real congratulations.
==
Why is he in ambulance?
He slapped his wife.
==
Customer:Is this tea or coffee?
It smells like kerosin.
Waiter:It ought to be tea in that case.
Our coffee smells terpentine.
==
Kusum:I love poets.
Kamini:How?
Kusum:My first husband was a poet.
Second husband turned poet .
==
God created human.
He retired to rest.
Human built temple on Him.
They retired Him forever.
==
Man drinks;monkey drinks;
both gets drunk.
Man turns into a monkey after drunk.
Monkey remains monkey after drunk.
Animals are animals after all.
==
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
==
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
Ellen: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
==
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Didn't you say that was my lunch money.
==
Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you
have?
Student: A new bike.
==
Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the
other hand, what would I have?
Class: Big,long,wide hands!
==
My favourite songs:
==============
1.
==When in college==
Hum honge kaamiyaab,
Hum honge kaamiyaab
ek din.....
2.
==When giving interview==
Tu hi re.... Tu hi re...
tere binaaa main kaise jeeoo.n ?
3.
==Waiting for an interview result==
Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki..
aayee naaa kuch khabar
mere yaarki...
4.
==Just joined==
Tu cheez baDee hai mast mast.....
5.
==After some time==
Ye kahaan aa gaye hum ?
6.
==After some more time==
Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai,
mere jindagi kya ek kati Pathang hai
(booohoooo)
7.
==Floating the resume==
kabootar ja ja ja... kabootar ja ja ja...
8.
==when don't get a better offer==
Jeena yehaan, marna yehaan
iske siwa jaana kahan...
----------------------------
----------
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to
the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how
impossible, I look at your picture and
the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful
I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater
than this one?"
----------
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all
your worries, troubles and lighten your
burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't
have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
---------
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad
this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady.
Mom:Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Mom:He could do it only once for me years back.
He can't do it now.
-------
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming
home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
-------
A newly married to wife, "Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left
me a fortune?"
Wife replied sweetly: "Honey,"I'd have married
you,no matter who left you
a fortune."
--------
Father:"Son,let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He
wants to scare his parents."
-------
Interviewer:To whom do you owe your
success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer:"Wow, she must be some woman.
What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire."
-------
[1]
Woman: Doctor, please give me some medicine to
reduce my weight. My husband has given
me such wonderful birthday gift and I
can�t get into it.
Doctor: I shall give.Then you will soon be able to
wear your wonderful new dress.
Woman: A dress? I am talking of car.
[2]
Man : Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is
giving me headaches.
Doctor: Why?
Man : Because my wife is hitting me
on the head with it."
[3]
Father:Thanks a lot doctor for saving my son's life.
Doctor:It's God who has saved your son's life.
Just pay the fees at reception."
Father:Then I will pay it to God when I see Him."
[4]
A dentist�s patient was grumbling about the fee:
"Two hundred dollars for pulling out a tooth!
And it�s only a minute�s work."
"Well, if you wish," the dentist said, "I�ll take it out slowly."
[5]
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good and bad news," owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired
about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15
of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor"
[6]
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
Sept. 5,2004
=================
========================
ha ha ha ha from others
========================
[1]
Woman: Doctor, please give me some medicine to
reduce my weight. My husband has given
me such wonderful birthday gift and I
can�t get into it.
Doctor: I shall give.Then you will soon be able to
wear your wonderful new dress.
Woman: A dress? I am talking of car.
[2]
Man : Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is
giving me headaches.
Doctor: Why?
Man : Because my wife is hitting me
on the head with it."
[3]
Father:Thanks a lot doctor for saving my son's life.
Doctor:It's God who has saved your son's life.
Just pay the fees at reception."
Father:Then I will pay it to God when I see Him."
[4]
A dentist�s patient was grumbling about the fee:
"Two hundred dollars for pulling out a tooth!
And it�s only a minute�s work."
"Well, if you wish," the dentist said, "I�ll take it out slowly."
[5]
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good and bad news," owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired
about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15
of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor"
[6]
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
[August 09,2004]
=================
======================
FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
======================
A serious truth to make our Life 100 %
Successful
=========
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
=
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
=============
Hard Work=98
[H + A + R + D + W + O + R + K
8 + 1 + 18 + 4 + 23 + 15 + 18 + 11
= 98 %]
Knowledge=96
[K + N + O + W + L + E + D + G + E
11 + 14 + 15 + 23 + 12 + 5 + 4 + 7 + 5
= 96 %]
Love=54
[L + O + V + E = 1 2 + 15 + 22 + 5 = 54 %]
Luck=47
[L + U + C + K
12 + 21 + 3 + 11
= 47 %]
( None of them makes 100 % )
=======================
Then what makes 100 %
---------------------------------
Is it M O N E Y ?............. NO
[13 + 15 + 14 + 5 + 25 = 72 %]
L E A D E R S H I P����. NO
[12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16 = 97 % ]
=============================
Every Problem has a solution,
only if we perhaps change our
� A T T I T U D E �
Our ATTITUDE towards Life and work
that makes our Life 100 % Successful.
A T T I T U D E
1+ 20 + 20 + 9 + 20 + 21 + 4 + 5
= 100 %
=============
=============
[1]
Woman: Doctor, please give me some medicine to
reduce my weight. My husband has given
me such wonderful birthday gift and I
can�t get into it.
Doctor: I shall give.Then you will soon be able to
wear your wonderful new dress.
Woman: A dress? I am talking of car.
[2]
Man : Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is
giving me headaches.
Doctor: Why?
Man : Because my wife is hitting me
on the head with it."
[3]
Father:Thanks a lot doctor for saving my son's life.
Doctor:It's God who has saved your son's life.
Just pay the fees at reception."
Father:Then I will pay it to God when I see Him."
[4]
A dentist�s patient was grumbling about the fee:
"Two hundred dollars for pulling out a tooth!
And it�s only a minute�s work."
"Well, if you wish," the dentist said, "I�ll take it out slowly."
[5]
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good and bad news," owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired
about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15
of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor"
[6]
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
july 28,2004
=========
[1]
Buddhuram:Will the bus take me to South Bombay?
Driver:Which portion?
Buddhuram:All of me intact,of course.
[2]
Buddhuram calls American Airlines:
'How much time it takes to fly to Los Angeles?'
'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant.
'Thank you.' says Buddhuram and hangs up.
[3]
Buddhuram goes to a TV shop and asks:
"Have you got a Colour TV?"
Shop owner said he had Colour TV.
Buddhuram:"Then show me one Black one?"
[4]
Buddhuram went to the booking counter
to buy a railway ticket for his wife.He was
third in the queue.
The first one asked: 'Give me one Punjab Mail.'
The second one asked: 'Give me one Kolkata Mail'
Buddhuram said: 'Give me one Frontier female.'
[5]
The ship was sinking.Buddhuram was in the ship.
Suddenly an American appeared by his side and
asked Buddhuram: "How far is land away from here?"
Buddhuram replied: "Two miles."
American said he could swim that long and jumped
into water.Surfacing he asked Buddhuram which
direction the land was.
Buddhuram said: "Downwards."
July 18,2004
=======
1.
Buddhilal phones Buddhuram.
Buddhilal:Buddhu,It's me speaking here.
Buddhuram:Strange,It's me speaking here too.
=======
2.
John saw CURD first time and asked
Buddhuram what that CURD was.
Buddhuram explains to John:
'You see,the milk sleeping whole night
and in morning turning soft tight white;right !'
======
3.
Buddhuram was sending email to his friend.
Buddhilal was looking at computer from behind.
He shouted:Buddhu,I saw your pass word.
Buddhuram:No,you are kidding.
Buddhilal: No, I am not.It is * * * *
Buddhuram:Oh no.You are wrong. it is f o o l
======
4.
Buddhilal:Buddhu,Why are you keeping ONE of
your TWO swimming pools always empty?
Buddhuram:Well,one with full of water for swimmers.
And other empty for non-swimmers.
Buddhilal:What if nonswimmer jumps into water
filled pool?
Buddhuram:I will empty it by transferring
water into empty pool.
Now you know why I have two pools?
July 8,2004
======
==============
Strange and true !
==============
1.Helped once,you are remembered,
Whenever he is again in your need.
2.Money also can find happiness
If you know how to use it best.
3.Drink creates problems, it is true.
Coffee,milk do not solve them too.
4.If shooting people,were made legal,
World will be left, by one individual.
5.Forgiving your foes is a good thing,
Forgetting their names is suiciding.
6.Do you like to be watched by community?
Then enhance the level of your stupidity.
7.Life is breath;peace is the death.
Life to death takes away breath.
3:18 PM 7/4/2004
==================
=================================
Great teachers and greater students !
--------------------------------
[1]
Teacher:John,,show the class from
the map North America.
John: This it is !
Teacher:Right. Now boys,tell me who
discovered America?
All boys: John !
[2]
Teacher:Jane,can you recall one
important thing which is seen to
day and was not seen 10 years back?
Jane: Me!
[3]
Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Jane: No, I am Jane Watson.
[4]
Teacher:Henry, how could you make
so many mistakes in one day?
Henry: I got up very early to day.
[5]
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And I promised to punish
you if you broke it.
Student: Yes sir,you can break
yours as I broke mine.
[6]
Teacher:Rodney,why do you always get so dirty?
Rodney:Well, I keep closer to the the ground than you.
[7]
Arnold:Sir,would you punish me for something
I didn't do?
Teacher:Certainly not.
Arnold:Thanks,sir,I didn't do homework.
[8]
Teacher: Why are you late?
Jay:Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Jay: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
[9]
Jimmy: I don't think I should get zero in this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest I could give you.
============
june 22,2004
============
==============
ISN'T IT STRANGE?
---------------------------
Isn't it strange how Rs. 20/=
seems like such a large amount when
you donate it to temple,
but such a small amount
when you go shopping?
Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem
so long when you're at temple,
and how short they seem when you're
watching a good movie?
Isn't it strange that you can't
find a word to say when you're
praying, but you have no trouble
thinking what to talk about with
a friend?
Isn't it strange how difficult
and boring it is to read one chapter
of the Geeta,
but how easy it is to read 100
pages of a popular novel?
Isn't it strange how everyone
wants front-row-tickets to concerts
or games, but they do whatever
is possible to sit at the last
row in temple?
Isn't it strange how we need
to know about an event for
temple 2- 3 days before the day
so we can include it in our agenda,
but we can adjust it for other
event at the last minute?
Isn't it strange how difficult it
is to learn a fact about God to
share it with others,
but how easy it is to learn,
understand, extend and repeat gossip?
Isn't it strange how we believe
everything that magazines and
newspapers say,
but we question the words in
the Ramayana?
Isn't it strange how everyone
wants a place in heaven,
but they don't want to believe,
do, or say anything to get there?
Isn't it strange how we send jokes
in e-mails and they are forwarded
right away,
but when we are going to send
messages about God, we think
about it twice before we share
it with others?
IT'S STRANGE; ISN'T IT?
=================
===============
Read it right.
Sarcasm at its best.
===============
Regular naps prevent old age...
especially if you take
them while driving.
===================
Having one child makes you a parent;
having two you are a referee.
=======
Marriage is a relationship in which
one person is always right and
the other is husband !
=======
I believe we should all pay our tax
with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash
=======
A child's greatest period of growth
is the month after
you've purchased new school uniforms.
========
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have
no talent.
= ======
Don't marry the person you want to
live with, marry the one you cannot
live without,,, but whatever you do,
you'll regret it later.
====
You can't buy love . . . but you
pay heavily for it
====
True friends stab you in the front
====
Forgiveness is giving up my right
to hate you for
hurting me.
===
Bad officials are elected by good
citizens who do not
vote.
===
Laziness is nothing more than the
habit of resting
before you get tired
===
Marriage is give and take. You'd
better give it to her
or she'll take it anyway.
===
My wife and I always compromise.
I admit I'm wrong and
she agrees with
===
Those who can't laugh at themselves
leave the job to
others.
===
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
===
A successful marriage requires
falling in love many
times, always with the same person.
===
You're getting old when you enjoy
remembering things
more than doing them.
===
It doesn't matter how often a married
man changes his
job, he still ends up with the same boss.
===
Real friends are the ones who survive
transitions between address books.
===
Saving is the best thing. Especially
when your parents have done it for you.
===
Wise men talk because they have
something to say; fools
talk because they have to say something
===
They call our language the mother tongue
because the father seldom gets to speak
====================
june,21,2004
===================
Apply for a job or a leave.
This is the funniest English
at its the best.
===================
Excerpts from applications:
--------------------------------------
1.With reference to your advertisement for a
'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'...
As I am both for the past several years and
I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
2."Since I have to go to my village to sign papers
for sale of my father mother land along with my
wife, I request you to please sanction me
one-week leave".
3."Since I've to go to the cremation ground and
I may not return, please grant me
half day casual leave"
4."As I am studying in this school I am suffering
from headache. I request you to leave me today"
5."I am suffering from fever, please
declare holiday to the school"
6.As my headache is paining, please
grant me leave for the day.
7. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
8.As my Mother-in-law has expired and
I am responsible for it, please grant me
ten days leave.
9."My wife is suffering from sickness and as
I am her only husband at home I may be
granted leave".
---------
June 18,2004
---------
========
1.
Wife :If I die,what will you do?
Husband :May be I also will die.
Wife :Why?
Husband : A man may collapse if
too much happiness suddenly
befalls his lot.
=======
2.
First:Come on,hide fast.My wife
and my girl friend are coming
together this side.
Second:I was also going to tell
you the same thing.
======
2A.
Foolman at an art gallery "I suppose this
horrible looking thing is what you
call a modern Art?"
Art Dealer "Thats a mirror, Sir!"
=====
3.
Foolman enters shop & shouts,
"Where's my free gift with this oil?"
Shopkeeper: "There is no gift with this,Sir."
Foolman: "Look whats written here:
' CHOLESTROL FREE' "
=========
4.
Foolman:How much have you studied?
Cleverman: B.A.
Foolman:Very surprising.Only
two syllables and that also
in wrong order !
=========
5.
While waiting for a bus Foolman
sees a truck being towed away by
another truck with a rope. He laughs,
breaks down, rolls on the ground
and cannot control his laughter.
Cleverman standing nearby calls
him and asked what it was but
Foolman still could not control
himself, pointed at the towing
truck & again rolls on the ground
and laughed.
Now Cleverman is annoyed, pulls
Foolman up and asks him what is so funny!?
Foolman says:"For towing one rope,two trucks are required.!"
========
======================
Request for increase in salary.
=======================
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need
$ome thing mo$t de$perately.
I think you $hould be
under$tanding of the need$ of u$
worker$ who have given $o much
$upport including $weat and
$ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what
I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Nora $haw
============
Reply to above by boss.
=================
Dear NOra,
I kNOw you have been working
very hard. NOwadays, NOthing
much has changed. You must have
NOticed that our company is NOt
doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspapers are NOting
the world's leading ecoNOmists
are NOt sure if the country may
go into aNOther recession. After
the NOvember elections things
may turn NO well.
I have NOthing more to NOte NOw.
You kNOw what I mean.
Yours sincerely
NOvis NOrvey
june 15,2004
===========
=========
1.
Judge:There are a few witnesses
present who have seen you steailng.
Still you say you are innocent?
Thief:Yes,your honour,I am
innocent.There are many many more,
not present here, who have not
seen me stealing.
====
2.
A retiring judge was being honourd.
His big portrait was unveiled
and hanged on the wall of the
court room.
Finally he rose to address
the audience:"This is the very
court room from where I have
hanged many in my judgments.
To day you are hanging me alive
in the very same room.
What a natural justice?"
===
3.
Judge:You agree that you had
stolen the coat.Then why do
you ask for reducing the fine
amout by Ten Rupees?
Thief:Because I had spent
Ten Rupees on alteration
to make it fit me.
===
4.
The advocate was arguing the case
with a very high pitch.A donkey
brayed very loudly at that time.
The judge jokingly remarked:
"Would'nt it be proper if you
two don't argue simultaneously?"
The advocate did not say a thing
and he completed his arguments.
Now the judge started delivering
the judgment.The same donkey started
braying again.The advocate rose
from his seat and requested
the judge:"Will you please speak
lowly since your voice
is sending resounding echoes?"
===
5.
A man went to his advocate and
gave him the detailed case
history of the case he wanted
to file.
Then he asked him:"what do you
think the case will not go against?"
Advocate assured the client that
he sure will win the case.
The client rose to leave saying:
"I gave you the exact details
of my opponent."
===
12:43 PM 6/7/2004
===
===================
A friend of mine appeared in a
pre-medical test to qualify for
his MBBS degree.He failed miserably;
but he did not know why he was
turned out for his medicine education.
He showed me his QUESTION
PAPER AND SHOWED ME HIS ANSWER SHEET.
I realised the truth.
Let us look into it.
================
ANTIBODY - opposite of every body
ARTERY - the study of art
BENIGN - to be after eight
CAESARIAN - relating to Caesar of Italy
CARDIOLOGY - knowledge of playing Cards
CAT SCAN - searching for lost cat
CHRONIC - a crow's neck
COMA -vertically extended full stop rounded a little at top,a period
DUODENUM - duo denium i.e.two jeans
HERNIA - her-near i.e.she is close by
IMPOTENT - important i.e.famous,well-known
LACTOSE - Feet lacking toes
PACEMAKER - Nobel Peace Prize=winner
PULSE - grain
RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula
TABLET - A table that is very very small.
====End of a To-be Doctor=====
June 3,2004
*****
[1]
A very FAT lady once went to her
friend's house and presented him a goat.
The friend said why a buffalo?
The Fat lady said it was a goat,
not a buffalo.
The friend said he was not asking her;
he was asking the goat.
***
[2]
Two persons were looking for their
lost wives.
One asked the other one how did his
wife look like.
The other one said,"She is 5'9" ,
Fair, 36-24-36, Blue eyes"
and asked the first one,"And yours?"
The first one said,":Forget about mine.
Let us look for yours"
***
May 30,2004
=========
Happiness
==========
When my farher died,we sent
letters to friends and relatives
informing them:
"My father has gone
to his ''Heavenly abode."
They replied:
"Very sorry to know......"
12:55 PM 5/20/2004
===
-------------------------
du u rid end rite?
---------------------------
box boxes [boxen]
ox [oxes] oxen
mouse [mouses] mice
house houses [hice]
man men [mans]
pan [pans] [pen]
foot feet [foots]
boot boots [beet]
tooth teeth [tooths]
booth booths [beeth]
hat hats [hose]
cat cats [cose]
----------------------------
-------------------
No nonsense
-------------------
There is no egg in eggplant.
There is no ham in hamburger;
No apple, no pine in a pineapple.
Quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square
Guinea pig is neither Guinea nor a pig.
Fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce
Hammers don't ham
Teachers taught,but preachers not praught?
People recite at a play
Ship by truck
Send cargo by ship?
Noses that run
Feet smell.
House can burn up as it burns down;
You fill in a form by filling it out
An alarm goes off by going on.
12:31 PM 5/20/2004
-------------
======
[1]
----
Once I decided to try out modelling.
So I enter a herd of buffaloes and
resting my elbows on the back of
the cattle and posed for a photo.
Next day the photo appears on the
front page of a newspaper
with the caption !!
'Pravinchandra Shah,third from left!'
=====
[2]
-----
Q.What is the main reason for divorce?"
A."Marriage."
-----
may 12,04
=====
=======
1.
Customer: "Where's my free gift
with this oil?"
shopkeeper:"There is no free gift
with this item,sir."
Customer:Look here.It is clearly
written" CHOLESTROL FREE "
====
2.A non-american's 'Thank You' speech in
English to the guests at the conclusion
of his daughter's wedding party:
"I thank you all from bottom of my
heart and also from my wife's bottom."
====
3.An immigrant was coming out of the Airport.
It was a huge rush.The security guard asked
the immigrant: "WAIT PLEASE."
"170 Lbs.," the immigrant replied and
moved on...
====
4.A news paper reported on Government's
Family Plan policy:
"A person cannot have more than two
children per year."
===
5.Once I visited a bar in a five star hotel.
The man to my left told the bartender:
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
And the man's companion said:
"JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
Then the bartender asked me:
"AND YOU SIR?"
"PRAVINCHANDRA SHAH, MARRIED." me said.
May 8th,2004
====
======================
Professional Matrimonials
in a newspaper
=====================
[1] By a Banker:
-----------------
Wanted a wife with following assets:
[1]She should have interest in me;
[2]She must credit me daily with her service.
----------------
[2] By a Car Mechanic:
----------------
[a]She should be sturdy.
[b]She must be in working condition.
[c]She must have a good average on
household run.
-----------------
[3]Drink Addict:
------------------
[a]Wife with a father owning a soda factory.
[b]I drink occasionally with friends at
home;the friends visit only daily during
a week.
[c]She is expected to carry me from bar to car.
[d]Send me ample soda sample.
------------------
=================
A friend of an author asked the
author if he could lend his book
"How to become a millionaire?"
'Sure,' said the author and gave his book.
The friend found that half of the pages from
the book were missing.He pointed out to his
author friend.
'So what?',said the author;
"Half million should be sufficient
for you."
=============
An aged couple went near a 'Wish-Well.'
Here whatever you wish will be fulfilled.
The husband first went and wished
something.Then the wife went near and
silently wished something and suddenly
stumbled and fell into the well and died.
The husband could not believe this and
loudly said to God,"I can't believe you
fulfilled my wish so fast."
May 3rd,2004
================
=========================
The king promulgated the command that
people must carry a lantern at night
to avoid accidents.
Our Mr. Foolman was caught with unlit
lantern.
He argued that there was no mention
that people should carry a lighted
lantern.He was released.
The king rectified the promulgation
that people must carry a lighted
lantern.Mr.Foolman went out with a
lighted lantern kept under his overcoat.
On being caught he argued that there
was no provision that people should
carry it being seen
by others.By the time other rectification
was on
the way,electricity was invented and
Mr. Foolman
was saved from carrying any lantern
at all.
====================
A lawyer saw a bullock cart slowly
coming his way and the farmer was
sitting asleep on it.The lawyer
awoke the farmer and asked him what
would happen if the oxen stopped and
stood still on the road.The
farmer replied that he had tied a
bell in their necks so he would hear
the sound.To this the lawyer warned
him that the oxen might stand still
and move their necks and make the sound
and fool him.The farmer
told the lawyer that they were oxen,not
the lawyer.
========================
The driver was found drunk.The judge
ordered to cancell his license.The
police found that he was
not having the license at all.The
judge ordered the driver to obtain
a valid license so that his
order can be carried out.
=======================
Judge:Why don't you settle your
dispute mutually out side the court?
Plaintiff:Your Honour,we were doing
the very same thing.But the police
caught us and brought us here.
=====================
A friend of an author asked the
author if he could lend his book
"How to become a millionaire?"
'Sure,' said the author and gave his book.
The friend found that half of the pages from
the book were missing.He pointed out to his
author friend.'So what?',said the author;
"Half million should be sufficient for you."
=====================
An aged couple went near a 'Wish-Well.'
Here whatever you wish will be fulfilled.
The husband first went and wished
something.Then the wife went near and
silently wished something and suddenly
stumbled and fell into the well and died.
The husband could not believe this and
loudly said to God,"I can't believe you
fulfilled my wish so fast."
1:17 PM 4/29/2004
=================
[sundries;unknown source]
============
Q. Why do men always have a
STUPID look on their faces?
A. Probably because they ARE.
============
Q. What's different between
intelligent man & UFO ?
A.How do I know?
I have not seen either.
============
Q.What are two reasons why men
don't mind their own business?
A.Either they have no mind
or have no business.
============
Q.Why men chase women when
no intention of marrying.?
A.Do the dogs chase a car
with intention to drive?
================
[Thanks to unknown greats.
My efforts rewriting,editing.]
================
============================
Right person for right chair
===========================
Put around 100 bricks in some
particular order in a closed
room with an open window. Then
send 2-3 candidates into the room
and close it from outside. Leave
them alone and come back after 6
hours, and then analyse the situation:
1 If they are counting and recounting
the number of bricks
PUT THEM IN CASH
2 If they have messed up the whole
place with the brick
PUT THEM IN THE CLEARING DEPT
3 If they are arranging the bricks in
some other order
PUT THEM IN PLANNING
4 If they are throwing the bricks at
each other
PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS
5 if they are sleeping
PUT THEM IN SECURITY
6 If they have broken the bricks
into pieces
PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
7 If they are staring out of the window
PUT THEM IN THE NRI CELL
8 If they are sitting idle
PUT THEM IN HRD!
9 If they have thrown the bricks
out of the window
PUT THEM IN THE LOANS SECTIONS
10 If they are clinging onto the bricks
PUT THEM IN TREASURY
11 If they are talking to each other
and not a brick has moved
PUT THEM IN MANAGEMENT
12 If they say they have tried
different ombinations, yet not a brick has
MOVED PUT THEM IN SALES
13 If they have already left for the day
PUT THEM IN MARKETING
10:37 AM 4/9/2004
============================
One day, in a train :
TC to Sadhu :Baba kahan jaoge?
Sadhu :Jahan Ram Prabhuka ka janam
hua tha.
TC :Baba ticket dikhao.
Sadhu :Ticket to nahin hai....
TC :To phir chalo.
Baba :Kahan?
TC :Jaha Krishna Prabhukaka
janam hua tha.
[April 8th,2004]
=======================
Do you know what family means?
Here Is The Answer
========================
FAMILY =
========
(F)ather
(A)nd
(M)other
(I)
(L)ove
(Y)ou
========================
WHY does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because:
======
(W)ashing
(I)roning
(F)ood
(E)ntertainment
========================
WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because:
=========
(H)ousing
(U)nderstanding
(S)haring
(B)uying
(A)nd
(N)ever
(D)emanding
Do you know that a simple "HELLO"
can be a sweet one?
Especially from your loved ones.
The word HELLO means :
=================
(H)ow are you?
(E)verything all right?
(L)ike to hear from you
(L)ove to see you soon!
(O)bviously, I miss you ..
==========================
==========================
(:Some Real Facts :)
===Received in email===
==========================
1) Coca-Cola was originally green.
2) The most common name in the
world is Mohammed.
3) The name of all the continents
end with the same
letter that they start with.
4) The strongest muscle in the
body is the tongue.
5) There are two credit cards
for every person in the United States.
6) TYPEWRITER is the longest word
that can be made
using the letters only on one row
of the keyboard.
7) Women blink nearly twice
as much as men!!
8) You can't kill yourself by
holding your breath.
9) It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
10) People say "Bless you" when
you sneeze because
when you sneeze, your heart stops
for a millisecond.
11) It is physically impossible for
pigs to look up into the sky.
12) The "sixth sick sheik's sixth
sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the
English language.
13) If you sneeze too hard, you
can fracture a rib. If you try to
suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a
blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
14) Each king in a deck of playing
cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David .
Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts -
Charlemagne Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
15) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321 (BEST fACt)
16) If a statue of a person in the park
on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle. If the horse has
all four legs on the
ground, the person died of natural causes.
17) What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers and laser printers
all have in common? Ans. - All invented
by women.
18) Question - This is the only food
that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
19) A crocodile cannot stick its
tongue out.
20) A snail can sleep for three years.
21) All polar bears are left-handed.
22) Butterflies taste with their feet.
23) Elephants are the only animals that
can't jump.
24) In the last 4000 years, no new
animals have been domesticated.
25) On average, people fear spiders
more than they
do death.
26) Shakespeare invented the word
'assassination'
and 'bump'.
27) Stewardesses is the longest word
typed with only
the left hand.
28) The ant always falls over on its
right side when intoxicated.
29) The electric chair was invented
by a dentist.
30) The human heart creates enough
pressure when it
pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.
31) Rats multiply so quickly that in
18 months, two
rats could have over million descendants.
32) Wearing headphones for just an
hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
33) The cigarette lighter was invented
before the
match.
34) Most lipstick contains fish scales.
35) Like fingerprints, everyone's
tongue print is different
12:01 PM 4/3/2004
===================
===================
TENSION
[Received in email]
===================
The moment you are in tension
You will loose your attention
This will put you in total confusion
And you will feel the irritation
Which might spoil your personal relation
Ultimately you wont get cooperation
Which will cause complication
You�ll then need to watch your BP with caution
And you might have to take medication
Instead understand the situation
Try to think of a solution
Many problems will be solved by discussion
Which will work better in your profession
This is not my free suggestion
It is only for prevention
If you understand my intention
You�ll never come again to tension
==========================
Received in email from others
=========================
#1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on
her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father
receives as :
"Father, your daughter has been successful in
BED."
=====================================
#2
A husband, while he is on a business trip
to a hill station sends a telegram to
his wife :
"I wish you were here."
The message received by wife:
"I wish you were her."
=====================================
#3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to
railway station to return to her husband.
At the
reservation counter, while her turn came,
it was the last ticket. Taking pity on
a very old lady next to her in the queue,
she offered her berth to the old lady and
sent a telegram to her husband which
reached as:
"Shall be coming tomorrow; heavy
rush in the train; gave birth to an old lady."
====================================
#4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday
by throwing a party. So he goes to order
a birthday
cake.
The salesman asks him what message he
wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a
while and says:
let's put, "you are not getting older, you are
getting better".
The salesman asks:
"how do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put
"You are not getting older", at the top
and "You are getting better" at the bottom.
When the cake was opened the entire party
watched the message decorated
on the cake:
"You are not getting older at
the top' and
' You are getting better at the bottom'.
[April 03,04]
======================
Cleverman:Foolman,why are you not seen
now a days?Are you very busy?
Foolman:No, my friend.I do not need to
go out and see others.
Cleverman:What!
Foolman:I email my neighbours and
friends except those who do not have
email ids.They contact me from their
works.I work from home for the office.
Boss pays to my bankers.I pay through
my credit card #.I do the work-out on
treading mill.Washing machine washes
clothes;drier dries them.Pizza man
supplies meal.Dishwater cleanses dishes.
Air conditioner and heater keep
me cool and warm.
Cleverman:Vow! I also wish I have
electricity connection.
=================
[Cleverman and Foolman were travelling
in a train when Mr.Foolman saw passing
herd of sheep belonging to Mr. Cleverman]
Cleverman:Can you say how many sheep were there,Mr.Foolman?
Foolman:Oh yes,850 sheep they were.
Cleverman was aghast to hear the number
'cause it was very correct number.
Cleverman:My God,how could you count
all the heads of the sheep in a second?
Foolman:No no.It is very difficult to
count all the heads in a second.I have
a simpler formula.I just counted the legs
and divided it by 4.
===============
==============
Cleverman:Why are you keeping empty Beer
Bottles in your refrigerator,Mr.Foolman?
Foolman:It's not for you;It's for nondrinkers.
===============
Cleverman:Have you ever cheated railways,
Mr.Foolman?
Foolman: Oh yes;indeed several times.
Cleverman:How?
Foolman:I buy the ticket and then do
not travel;very simple,no?
===============
Cleverman:Why are you pushing your motor cycle,Mr.Foolman?You can drive to home.
Foolman:No,sorry.I cannot do it.I
forgot to bring keys.
==============
Foolman: I noted your Pass Word,
Mr.Cleverman.I saw it from behind.
Cleverman:Tell me what it is if you
really saw it.
Foolman:It is ****.ha ha ha !
=============
Cleverman:Tell me what results of 5+4?
Foolman:Simple.It's 9.
Cleverman:Now tell me what if it's 4+5?
Foolman:It's 6.
Cleverman:What?
Foolman :6.You can't fool me!You
reversed;so I also did.
=============
cleverman:Why are you weeping,Foolman?
Foolman:My brother informed me that
my mother expired in the hospital.
Cleverman consoled him and sat with
him for some time when the telephone rang.
Foolman listened to the phone and
started crying again very loudly.
Cleverman asked what happened.
Foolman:My sister just informed me
that her mother died.
=============
