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"Swerving In My Lane"

By Weasel

RATING: PG-13, implied sexual situation
DISCLAIMER: The characters in this story, as well as their office, belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and the FOX Network. Hallmark Moments belong to the Hallmark Greeting Card Company. No money is being made.
SUMMARY: Skinner and Mulder have a little debate. Scully and I are going to sit here on this fence and swing our legs.
ARCHIVING: Gossamer yes. Others please notify me first.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The word "mundane" appears by permission of Amanda Finch, who also offered some suggestions on how to make this more read-a-licious. Thanks to Trelawney for the beta read.


Scully sat on the floor of the basement office leaning up against the file cabinet. Her pantyhose were on the floor next to her, rolled up into a ball and she could see one of her new gray suede shoes lying on its side under the desk. The other shoe was missing in action along with her underwear. She was slowly shaking her head back and forth, and occasionally she would crease her forehead and purse her lips as if to speak, but no words came out.

She was recalling that it had started out as a normal day. She didn't feel any different when she got up this morning, and she had no hidden agenda when she came down to the basement and said good morning to her partner. They had had a conversation that was so typical of their normal daily exchange that it was mundane. Mulder had been telling her about an article he had seen published somewhere that explained the physics of long distance space travel, thus proving that aliens could indeed survive a trip of many light years even if their normal life span were roughly the same as a human's. After confirming that said article had appeared in The Dissenter's Journal, she had proceeded to debate the facts he was quoting.

Scully had let her voice fall into the carefully metered recitation of facts that she always used to convey to Mulder the fact that she found this conversation ridiculous. She knew that the tone of voice was just as important as the content, because Mulder probably wasn't listening to her anyway. So she focused her eyes on the far wall and pulled up as much information as she possibly could to disprove his allegations. Then came the strange part. Mulder walked over to her and stood about two inches away from her. As she continued to bombard him with data, he reached up and put his index finger to her lips, in the universal Shhh sign. That in itself would not have been strange. It would in fact have been a very normal beginning to a typical day. It was her reaction to that finger on her lips that had changed the course of ... the day? The week? Their lives?

As near as she could tell, at that exact moment a wild sprite had taken over her mind, and before she could quite control herself, she had licked Mulder's finger. Not just a normal, little-sisterly, "get your finger away from my mouth" lick. She could have probably bluffed her way out of that. But a slow, wet lick that started at the soft webbing between his fingers and continued up to the tip of his finger, with a little flourish at the end. And if she were really honest with herself, she would have to admit that she remembered giving him a look. With an eyebrow. And not the standard doubtful eyebrow, but a sultry eyebrow.

"Oh my god ... " said Scully as she continued to shake her head.

If Mulder noticed his partner's first words in over twenty minutes, his appearance didn't register it. He was sitting in his chair with his elbows on the desk, and his hands were clenched together so tightly that they were white. His pants were in a puddle around his ankles and his shirt had one lonely button left over on top and a hole on bottom. He didn't know what had happened to his tie. The last he remembered he had suggested to Scully that she use it to ...

"Oh Jesus ... " he muttered, dropping his head back down onto his hands. He could swear that he had not planned on anything like this happening. He had just gotten up and come to work. Playing his time worn role in this little saga they shared. He had been touting some wild theory as if it were gospel and Scully had been reciting her oh-so-predictable response. He had gotten tired of the game and had decided to get a little closer to Scully to see if she had used the peach scented lotion that morning. Ok, so he had touched her lips, but that had happened before with much less than the earth shattering effect it had had this particular morning. All he did was touch her lips, and then she ... she LICKED his finger. No, she didn't just lick his finger; she made love to it. It had stopped him cold. His brain had dropped straight down to his groin, stopping along the way to take his heart with it and to punch him in the stomach. He had stood perfectly still for what seemed like an eternity, just looking at his finger. Just looking at his finger where she had licked it and left a glistening trail of saliva that felt cool as it evaporated in the air conditioning of the basement. He had stood and stared at it until from somewhere deep in his body, his brain, heart and groin had shouted in unison, "Let's see if there's more where that came from." There had been.

Which left them where they were now. Sitting in the office. Rejoicing that no one had stopped by to talk to either of them thirty minutes ago. Although anyone who walked in right now would probably have a pretty good idea of what had occurred. Mulder suddenly wanted to be away from the office. And he wanted Scully to be away from the office with him. He wanted to see if he could recreate the experiment under different circumstances. He pulled up his pants and picked up his phone.

"Put me through to A. D. Skinner immediately, it's an emergency."

Scully looked up at him, a smile playing around the corner of her mouth.

"Good morning Sir. I'm sorry that I disturbed you, but I have something very important to tell you. Agent Scully and I will be leaving. " After a pause he continued, "Well, we will most definitely be leaving the building right now. We won't be back today. I'm not sure if we will ever be back."

Scully's head stopped shaking. Her eyes grew wide.

"You see Sir, Agent Scully and I have recently become involved in an intimate personal relationship." He thought he saw Scully's eye tic.

"Yes, well, uh, thank you Sir. I appreciate your saying that. But I am sure that you can see that changes will have to be made in our working relationship. There are strict rules of protocol that are being broken here."

"Oh really? It would be? Well, even if there are no specific regulations against this type of behavior, it is obvious that we will not be able to continue to work as partners when we have a personal relationship. Our perspective and our priorities will be skewed. We would certainly be putting ourselves and others in jeopardy in the field."

"Sir, that is really kind of you, but I just don't think that the X-Files can continue if Agent Scully and I are personally involved. The dynamic that we have created as a team will be destroyed. Our work will suffer." "Yes, we are both professionals. But our single-minded dedication to the job, not to mention the ability to travel on a whim, has been a result of a complete lack of social or home life on both our parts. If we lose that, or should I say, gain that, we will be totally ineffective in our fight against the conspiracy we seek to destroy. "

"But Sir. That's easy for you to say. You have a cushy desk job and an amazing ability to completely conceal your home life. Agent Scully and I will not have such an easy time keeping our relationship quiet. There are already people who speculate about a possible personal relationship between the two of us that absolutely did not exist until about forty - er, I mean a short time ago."

"Yes, it's a little funny ... "

"Next weekend, Sir? I'm not sure. I'll have to ask her. "

"Yes, I realize that you care about Agent Scully and I and would like to see us happy, but I think you overestimate the quality of relationship that either of us will be capable of. We are both introverted and self-centered, and I have some severe emotional shortcomings. I am sure that any relationship that we manage to develop will be nothing more than an annoying succession of sappy Hallmark moments and petty arguments that will be uncomfortable for those who happen to witness it. Sir, did you ever watch Moonlighting? "

"No? Well, anyway. Yes, we will take the rest of the day off, and come in to see you Monday morning. Thank you, Sir. Oh, really? Well, thank you. Yes, she is. Yes, I will. Good-bye, Sir. "

Mulder pulled Scully's shoe out of his chair and handed it to her. "We have the day off. Would you like some lunch? "

"Sure. Whatever," Scully's head resumed its shaking.

"Oh, and we're supposed to have dinner with the Skinners next Saturday." Mulder reached down to help her up and gently guided her out the door. Just as he turned the lights off, Scully stopped.

"Wait," she said, "we can't leave ... my uh, underwear here. The janitors." Scully began to search under the desk and behind the file cabinet. Mulder let her look for a few minutes before clearing his throat to get her attention.

"What?" said Scully looking up at him. Mulder avoided eye contact as he reached into his pocket and pulled out Scully's black panties.

"You weren't going to show those to Frohike, were you?" she nailed him with a glare as she yanked her underwear out of his hand.

"No, of course of not, " he replied, indignant. "I was just hoping ... Well I have a page in my scrapbook called "Partners I have had" and I thought ... "

Mulder was turning off the lights when he felt Scully stuff something into his jacket pocket. As they left the office he thought to himself that this relationship might just work out after all.


MELANIE SAYS: Yes, they are longer than the story, shut up already.

In an effort to present the Noromo point of view accurately I had to do some research into exactly WHY Mulder and Scully shouldn't do some horizontal bonding. I have to say that the following web sites and their handlers made me actually consider some extreme possibilities, and I recommend them to anyone who wants to learn more about the Noromo Manifesto:

"Shippers hear your run-of-the-mill sappy love song and really believe it could be "The Mulder & Scully song." Noromos hear your run-of-the-mill sappy love song and think, "What a load of shit. Why don't they play some decent songs?" "

Mulder and Scully HATE EACH OTHER!!!
Of course [slaps her forehead]. They HATE each other. How could I have missed all the clues?

And HEY, play nice with your Noromo cousins. Don't flame people just for being different. Especially not Brianna at Noromo Values, because I get the feeling that she doesn't take kindly to sass from shippers.

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BRIANNA SAYS: You rock, Melanie! Isn't this a clever little story? Another one I love. The trick to reading this story is remembering that it is humour before story ... at least, in the alphabet it is.
And thanks for the plug. :-) Melanie hangs around MASHEO's discussion board, so if you want to catch up with her, try there! (And of course EMAIL her feedback!)

NOROMO VALUES by Brianna L ( Let me know if something looks wrong, or if you have comments, critisism, praise, suggestions.
Not in frames but table-heavy so Netscapers, tread lightly. Sitemap, disclaimer.
Spoiler free for Australian teev. Lawyers and Shippers, fuck off, everyone else, enjoy.
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