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"Battle Of The Fans"

By Erin - ardent SKipper

CATEGORY: Parody (real life), Star Wars/X-Files crossover?
DISCLAIMER: MWAHAHAHAHA, I don't have to write one for this story, unless someone owns me and the other X-Philes.
SUMMARY:A supposed showdown between all the X-Philes. But, since we don't know who wins until the end of the series, something goes wrong ... Intrigued yet?
SPOILERS: Minor references to Pusher, Triangle, End Game, Redux 2, Memento Mori, Zero Sum and Fight the Future
ARCHIVING: Contact author - NOT Brianna L - at
Shinner = Scully / Skinner.
Fricker = Scully / Frohike.
Swagger = Skinner / Maggie.


I adjusted the leather band around my waist and made sure my black pant-leggings were tucked neatly underneath my boots, which looked like the ones used for English Riding. I dusted off any hair on my black uniform. I made sure my dark braid was tight, put on my face of steel, and made sure my eyebrows would look initmidating if necessary. My companions stared at me strangely - alright, I was going a little bit over board on appearances, but at least I wasn't biting my gloves like they were. For we were all nervous.

I lead my small company down the hall to the Room. There was no other name for it. As I approached took a deep breath, and opened the door. It was quite a sight, all the different types of X-Philes were sitting in their own platforms. We walked past the largest singular group first, the Shippers. The females were dressed in the Triangle-Scully wear, thought not all of them were wearing red. One gave me a small smile, while another tried to burn into me a piercing glare, nice try. The few males were dressed in gray T-Shirts, jeans, and someone were wearing bullet proof vests, memories of Pusher.

Then we went past the largest collective group, the Noromos. They were dressed in nice suits, keeping the platonic air. One girl wearing a sharp suit, made of leather, waved at me. I returned it with a solemn salute. Then we went past the Slashers. They were Krycek-Leather, Mulder-Ties, and Skinner-Glasses. I sniffed and walked past them quickly. My companions and I went to our designated platform. Then I looked down the line at those who were fewer and fewer in number.

There were the Shinners, dressed in outfits from the episode End Game, or Redux 2. Then came the Swaggers (Maggie/Skinner), and after that came the more minor fans. And, this is what our uniforms were like. The choices were navy, brown, and black. Everyone had agreed the color should be Krycek and Scully friendly. The design and fabric varied, the group I represented wore leather bands around their waist, with boots over their leggings (loose leggings at that). Leather gloves and a cross stitched on the top of the sleeve completed the ensemble. Most had either gold or silver crosses to represent Scullys, I prefered Celtic Crosses, so I chose that design. That was us, the Skippers (also known as SKippers). I walked over to Maggie, a fellow Skipper who wore dark brown, was typing at her laptop. "Well," I said, "Any luck?"

She shook her head, "No, I can't get through to either General McGee, Samantha Lin, Leighca, Skipper Haven, you name it, I can't get it."

"Dammit!" I said, hitting the metal ring around the circle, "Without the Website Owners, we don't have a chance."

"I'm sorry," she said, "I don't know what's wrong, I've sent them tons of messages."

"Wait, what about hackers?"

"I never heard of those X-Philes," Maggie replied.

"No, hackers as in the people who mess up your computer," I explained.

"Oh," she said. She rubbed her tired eyes and said, "That's probably it."

"Well," I said, "If that's it, then we could probably somehow call this off till another time. Meanwhile, let's round up the usual suspects."

"The Shippers?" she suggested.

I shook my head, "The Shippers wouldn't do anything to ruin their chances of winning, besides, They don't have to hack to get in."

Maggie was silent for awhile, then she snapped her fingers. "I know, the Frickers! They are about as low on members as can be, and they can hack."

"Hmm, you're probably right, but if they hacked us, wouldn't the hack the big guys, too? I'm going to see if the Website Representatives from the other fans are here."

I walked down our platform while Maggie battled with the laptop. I first went up to the Shippers. Most were shocked to see me, but one of them came up and shook my hand. It paid to have friends. "Hello, Rachel."

"Hello, Fanny." I said. "Fanny, are your Website Owners here?"

"Yes," she said, while gesturing around her, "We would be pretty stupid not to bring our most ardent Shippers."

Well, that doesn't make sense, would they be the first that the Frickers would hack? "Yeah, you're right," I said. "Carry on." I saluted her then went to inspect the other groups.

I walked past the Noromos, and the girl who waved at me jumped down from the crowded platform. "Rachel," she called.

I turned to her, "Yes, Brianna?"

"Are your website owners here yet?"

"No." I said flatly. She furrowed her brow. "All together we are larger in number than the Shippers, but not if we're split up. What's the deal?"

I sighed. "I think someone's hacked into their screen names."

Her eyes widened, "Oh my gosh, everyone? Even the Skipper Zone?"

"The Skipper Zone, General McGee, the Haven, Skipper's World, everyone." She slumped in disappointment and went back up to her platform.

I walked past the Slashers, the Frickers certainly wouldn't hack them, but they could be possible suspects. I gathered up my courage and went up to their platform. They stopped what they were doing and stared my way. Why wouldn't they? A few there knew me, and that wasn't good. I walked up to one and said outright without formalities, "Did you b-words mess up the Skipper Websites?"

Theylaughed among themselves, "Are you kidding? You don't have a chance against us, we have support from people outside of our own. Victory is ours."

"We'll just see about that." I snapped and then turned to leave.

One called out, "The problem is not too far from the source." What the hell is that supposed to mean? I thought. I didn't stay to ask, though. Why bother?

I walked disgruntled, back to the the Skipper Platform. "Brigadier General!" a Navy-clad Skipper said running up to me.

"What is it?" I asked.

"The debate is about to start."

The Skippers walked with the other X-Philes to the main platform. Maggie shrugged her shoulders as she passed me. I was about to follow, when a Shipper came running up to me. "Gin?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah, Erin," she said, which was my Internet name, "I just found out about something, we can't let it go down."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Oh GIIINNN!" some Shipper screamed. Gin grimaced and followed the call.

"Oh Racheeel!" some Skipper yelled, I followed the call as well.

Then the X military -Files theme played from a huge organ. Skippers stood in attention, Shippers bowed their heads, all other fans knelt or collapsed onto the floor, except the Shinners who took a serious stance. Then He came out. Wearing a "magnificent" X studded, velvet robe, Chris Carter came out. He was floating on his X-File surfboard. He went to the middle of the huge platform and stood to be the one great, final judge. I was feeling sick.

"The meeting may come to order." said Chris Carter. "One at a time, I will listen to each side and see which side is the most practical and X-Filish for me to use at the end."

The Shippers stood up first. "Listen, Chris, after Pusher, Memento Mori, and the Movie, you can just ditch the relationship. There's too much implication and tension, we all agree."

"YEAH!!!" the Shippers cried out. Chris shifted in his seat. Then a Noromo stood up.

"Mr. Carter," he said, "you promised us that you wouldn't go there with any romance. In all the big myth-arc episodes, Mulder and Scully are at odds, the only tension here is the tension to rip out each other's throats." A loud hand-clapping followed.

Then a Shinner took the floor. "President Carter, Zero Sum and many other episodes have shown that Skinner loves Scully, it's obvious. And, the Noromos are right, you can't put together M & S." Then he invoked the Sacred Quote of the Non-Shippers, "The gap between two minds cannot be bridged by the heart." Everyone in the room, save the Shippers, exploded into a roaring applause.

But Chris' voice was on a big intercom system. I nodded to a Skipper, he nodded back, pulled out a gun, and went straight up to Chris Carter. He stood in front of CC and fired the gun in the air. That shut everyone up.

Then I stood up. "Carter, I'm afraid that this meeting must be declared null and void."

Everyone gasped, Carter rose from his "throne" and said, "Explain yourself, Minor."

I could feel myself turn white, but my voice was on an entirely different page, so I spoke without hesititation. "Sir, one of these groups here has hacked into the Skipper system and has prevented us from reached our Website Owners." Controversy rang out over the statement, and I tried to hold my face up without getting smacked in the head with something.

Chris Carter rested his chin on his hand. Then he spoke, "That's a serious accusation, can you prove it?" I was about to answer when a terrific explosion came through the roof.

"GET CC OUTTA HERE!" called his bodyguards, and the creator was out in a flash. Most of the fans got out, except for the Shipper Leaders, the Noromo Leaders, and the Skippers.

Then I heard Star Wars music. Dum dum du dum du dum du dummmm, DU DU DUM DUM DUDA DUDA DUUMMMMM. "Is Darth Vader here or something?" a Noromo remarked. I wondered the same thing. Then the Star Wars/X-Files Crossover fans came onto the platform, about 10 or so. They were dress like Luke, Han Solo, and Princess Leia.

Their leader was holding a Star Wars trilogy set with a bomb attatched to it, a switch would set it off. He spoke in a throaty voice, "There is one among you whose screen name is SWEETV. Make that person come forward." A Shipper dressed in Triangle Scullywear, only it was purple, turned around and tried to sneak away. "YOU STOP!" the SW/X-FC leader said. She stopped and turned around, the other Shippers looked at her, puzzled. It wasn't I had something against her personally, but what did she have to do with this? I finally found my voice.

"What is the meaning of this?" I demanded.

He turned to me and said, "You know who we are, this person over here," gesturing towards the Shipper, "promised that she would rally the groups to say that Scully was Mulder's sister. We paid her well, little did we know that she was a Shipper, and a back-stabbing traitor."

We all glared out her, but I think her fellow Shippers were the ones who were most upset. SWEETV said, "Well, you should've know I was lying. I mean, how can Mulder and Scully get together if they related?"

"Mulder and Scully don't get together." he replied coolly.

"Then who?" she said with a smart-alek tone.

"KRYCEK!" The SW/X-FC's and Skippers shouted together. "Yes, Krycek." the SW/X-FC leader said, "He's the closest to Han Solo."

"Alright then," I said, "We've found some common ground, but listen - Star Wars and X-Files are two different things, Scully isn't Samantha, I don't think CM is Mulder's father, either."

"BUT, HE IS!!!" they shouted together. I could tell that he was going to pull the switch.

"Put it down, they we can discuss like civilized Philes." He shook his head.


"NEVER!" he shouted, he was about to flick the switch when he fell to the ground, the others were also shot with paintballs when they tried to do it for him. I turned around to see General McGee, Samantha, Leighca, the Leader from the Haven, everyone was there. I was too shocked to give my superiors the proper salute, though.

I saw Maggie behind them, she smiled sadly and said, "If all else fails, run." I half-laughed, half-cried.

General McGee put a hand on my shoulder and said, "It was the only way, Brigadier General, you tried your best."

"It wasn't enough though," I said, turning to the paint-bleeding bodies.

I walked up to the leader's paint-splattered face and closed his eyes. "They would've been necessary allies." I said.

Samantha Lin nodded, "They went too far, Rachel, but look, the Skippers stayed here when all the others fled, in a way, we've won."

"That's right," said the Haven Leader, "Next time, we'll be here, next time we'll win."

I smiled slightly, then we watched the Shippers take care of the traitor, and the Noromos starting to pick up the pieces with the Skippers. "Yes," I said in a deep, philosphical tone, "Next time we will win."

We all looked philosophically at the sky as if we had this deep understanding, while Chris went by on his hoverboard and said, "Gosh, this would be good for the movie."


ERIN SAYS: "All feedback goes to Flames are used for my computer, and for laughs. Thank you. LONG LIVE THE SKIPPERS!"

BRIANNA SAYS: Thanks for letting me archive this here, Erin! And hey, I even got mentioned! J

Anyone else got a story suitable for archiving here - let me read it! I'll see what I can do. Thanks once again, Erin!

NOROMO VALUES by Brianna L ( Let me know if something looks wrong, or if you have comments, critisism, praise, suggestions.
Not in frames but table-heavy so Netscapers, tread lightly. Sitemap, disclaimer.
Spoiler free for Australian teev. Lawyers and Shippers, fuck off, everyone else, enjoy.
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