Chicago,
The Lake Clinic…
“Patient is determined but sometimes I think he’s pushing himself too hard,
too fast. Patient was physically abused from an early age – remembers his
first forms of “discipline” around 4 or 5. Abuse continued through high
school until the abuser, his father, died. Also, patient was abused
emotionally and mentally. While the patient has not disclosed sexual abuse
something has occurred with the patient as he has conflicting ideas about
sex and violence. In order for me to provide “better” treatment, I need to
get the patient to disclose what this something might be. Was it his rape
of a girl named Margaret Saybrooke or another undisclosed incident?”
“Patient speaks of his daughter affectionately. Patient also has strong,
warm feelings for his sister. Patient is also very much “in love” with his
wife but because of conflicting emotions about violence is he is afraid of
intimacy with her. I believe the patient has an incredible disposition
towards tenderness and I believe he’s experienced compassion and “soft”
physical love. I believe he is very capable of being sexually intimate with
his wife in a non-violent way. He just has to realize it. This is very
important to him.”
“Patient relates the frequency of his intimate dreams have increased.
While he is not too forthcoming with details, I do believe he fantasizes of
having sex with his wife. Again, I believe he desperately desires this
contact with his wife.”
Simon Lake paused and took a breath. He tried to collect his thoughts and
continued.
“Patient has a hard time relaxing. He has clear symptoms of physical
anxiety. I have been using Xanax at a low dose to help treat him. Patient
responds will to the medications, however patient needs to learn relaxation
techniques in conjunction with the med.”
“Also, I am staring to see less and less of the patient’s alters as he
deals with his issues. “Rod” the romantic alter is capable of an abundance
of kindness. “Pete” is the alter capable of extreme violence. I believe
patient’s biggest internal struggle is between himself and Pete.”
“I have talked to the patient concerning certain issues. He despises his
father and has come to a certain peace with what he initially believed was
abandonment by his mother. He is afraid his wife hates him but is confident
whatever their problems, she would go back to him and they would work it
out.”
Again, Simon paused and looked at his watch. He was seeing Todd in 30
minutes for a session. At this session he was going to push for Pete to
come out.
*****
Todd usually not one to exercise, was doing just that, a combination of
sit-ups and pushups in his room. After finishing a set of sit-ups, he
glanced up, only to see Téa’s picture staring back at him.
He paused.
He didn’t know how it happened, it just did. Physically, his wife was very
attractive but it took him a while to realize it. He had always been
attracted to blondes – with long hair, who were tall with light eyes.
Michelle. Blair. He knew his father liked them like that. Tall. Pale.
Pretty. When he had told her, she wasn’t his type during those
uncomfortable contract negotiations, he’d meant it.
As he’d spent more time with her, he grew attracted to her. She wore her
clothes well and she was pretty in a very different way – in an “exotic”
way. Her brown wavy hair and her chocolate soulful eyes were so different –
so unique. His father wouldn’t have given Téa Delgado a second glance and
he liked that. It meant she was all his and he didn’t have to share her.
The first time she turned him on was when he saw her in the nightie after
she was screaming some nonsense about his bird.
The first time his physical attraction toward her scared him was on a cold
February night when she took her robe off in front of him.
And the first time he felt confident enough to make physical love to her
was on his wedding night.
Suddenly he felt a wave of pounding anxiety hit him. Pictures of women –
women he’d had – flashed through his mind and he saw…Marty. Briefly. He
choked. He’d make his peace with Marty. He had!!
Suddenly Téa entered his mind wearing that red nightgown looking very
appealing.
He gasped for breath – never one to have such erotic dreams – why was he
having them now?
She stood before him and smiled. He walked over to her, wearing what he was
wearing now, sweats, and forcibly took her in his arms and kissed her
with rough abandon. And she let him.
She laughed. She giggled.
“Let’s make love Todd…”
He tore at the flimsy material, ripping it off her body and then he tore at
his own clothes.
“Sometimes I catch you looking at me Todd like you want me. And you know
what? I like it when you do.”
Naked. They were both naked.
He looked around. It was empty.
“I need you Delgado.”
“My husband, Todd Manning, will make love to me tonight…”
He reached out and placed his hand on the back of her neck, staring into
her eyes. He followed the curve down her back and when he reached her naked
buttocks, he pulled her into him and this time, slowly, he kissed her –
tenderly, warmly. Like he envisioned kissing a woman.
He explored very inch of her. He walked around her, kissing the back of
her neck, strangely calm and relaxed.
“Delgado held my hand all night long…”
And while he did that he wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her breasts
- so firm. He felt his own body, hard, and he rubbed himself against her,
not ashamed to do so, moaning at how he delighted in these sensations
forbidden to him for far too long. He hands went lower, caressing her soft,
trim hair, exploring how wet she was for him. He really liked that that
effect he had on her.
They moved in rhythm – in synch – in urgent desire and she took a quick
turn, she faced him now and he took her, losing himself in the erotic flush
of her face.
“I love you Téa…”
She faded away from him, slowly…
“We’ll make this work…”
He was left gasping for breath on the floor of his sterile room, his sweats
moist from his explosion of passion.
“Oh God, not again. Not again!”
He stumbled to get up and tore off his damp bottoms throwing them in the
garbage. He went to the shower and washed off the evidence of his intimacy.
“It’s not violent. It’s not…” he muttered.
“Marty forgave you…”
“Blair cared for you…had your daughter…”
He saw a hard hand going past him. He heard a slap strike soft skin.
Michelle Smith took a beating for having sex with him and he never
knew…if…he never made his peace with her.
He shut off the water and dried himself off finally looking at the organ
which had caused so much pain to women he had come to care about. Limp. He
was now limp.
He leaned up against the bathroom wall and slid down it, running his hand
through his newly cut hair.
“I don’t understand…help me understand…” he muttered.
His head was quiet.
“You’re pushing me away Todd. Don’t do that. I’ll help you understand…”
“Pete?”
Pete’s voice was barely audible in his head.
“I’ll always be a part of you. Always.”
His body felt bad. He felt nauseous. His pulse was racing. He didn’t
feel calm at all. He was scared and nervous. He didn’t understand the
erotic, sensual dreams he was having. He didn’t understand what he was
feeling.
The medication Simon would give him would calm him down. He needed it.
Simon – the shrink. He had an appointment with him. He was late.
And then suddenly, he heard knocking on his door. It was him.
“C’Mon Todd! Open up! It’s Doctor Lake!”
Todd stumbled out into his room, grabbed a pair of pants and slid them on
all the while trying to take deep breaths to calm himself down…
TO BE CONTINUED…
